By now you’ve seen him. By now you’ve heard of him. He’s the father of UCLA Bruins phenom guard Lonzo Ball. His name is LaVar Ball, and he’s awful. On the all-time list of best LaVar’s/LeVar’s, he’s not even in the top three.
- LeVar Burton, host of Reading Rainbow
- LaVar Arrington, former NFL linebacker
- lavar, the Spanish word for “to wash”
- LaVar Ball, by default
He’s a the annoying dad of the best player on the Little League team, but on steroids. Both literally and figuratively. He’s using his kids’ fame to make a buck by honking his own merch, Big Baller Brand, which is basically just a poor man’s FILA.
The dude is an absolute monster, and I’m not just saying that because he has green teeth. I’m saying that based solely on the things he’s said. He’s already said his kids are better than Steph Curry. He’s said he could beat Michael Jordan one-on-one despite only averaging 2-points per game in college.
And the craziest thing of all, those aren’t even the craziest things he’s ever said. Here is a full list of ACTUAL* quotes he’s said that make him seem like even more of a monster than we already thought.
* – not actual.
“I was better than Michael Jordan back in the day.”
“Zune players were better than iPods back in the day.”
“If the Monstars would’ve stolen MY talent, they would’ve beaten the Tune Squad.”
“Lady In The Water is M. Night Shyamalan’s best movie.”
“Notice how neither Floyd Mayweather nor Conor McGregor never challenged ME to a fight. It’s because they know they’d lose.”
“Michael Jordan is the LaVar Ball of basketball.”
“I can bench press more than Ed Hochuli.”
“I’m weirder than Will Smith’s son.”
“If I captained the Titanic, it would’ve made it to New York safely and everyone would’ve survived.”
“If I directed Titanic, Jack would’ve found a way to share that floating door with Rose and survived.”
“I would’ve pushed Frank Underwood into the train tracks.”
“When it comes to me, people don’t question whether or not it’s Maybelline. They KNOW I’m born with it.”
“I look better shirtless than Ryan Gosling did in Crazy, Stupid, Love.”
“I’m probably the best at being humble.”
“LeBron James was in the movie Trainwreck. If I was in a movie, it would be called Train Arrives To Station Safely And On Time.”
“I chase waterfalls in my spare time.”
“The Kardashians try to keep up with ME.”
“I could swim faster than Michael Phelps.”
“I could smoke more pot than Michael Phelps.”
“My sons are better child athletes than Danny Almonte.”
“My sons are better at basketball than Air Bud.”
“Lena Dunham is so adorable.”
“Jesus walked on water? I can walk on air.”
“My smile is nicer than Steve Buscemi’s.”
“I’ve sold more Big Baller Brand gear than Lance Armstrong sold Livestrong bracelets.”
“Big Bang Theory is the funniest show on television.”
“People on Twitter are so friendly and nice.”