One example of Rondo’s humor can be found in his ritual to start each game.  Check out this video:

Rondo can, and should take this ritual further. He should maybe considering passing it off the opposing teams’ backboard to himself. He should set up an entire offensive line to snap it to him (like this). Maybe he should pass it to random fans who would then sign the ball and pass it back. Rondo, we believe in this ritual, let’s take it to the next level!

 • • •

This post was created by Bryce. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @BryceStuck

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Rondo’s Ritual appeared first on Korked Bats.

Things I Learned From Bulls v. Heat:

Chicago’s coach Tom Thibodeau has some serious cojones- benching his MVP point guard in crunch time (which lead to his team outscoring the Heat by 37 with Rose on the bench).

Derrick Rose’s dirty mustache has the opposite powers of Anthony Davis’ unibrow.

Whenever the Heat allow their opponents to go on a brief run and the camera crew cuts to a steamed Erik Spoelstra as he’s calling a timeout, he looks more upset than a kid who just got his Lunchable stolen.

Chris Bosh may be the most forgettable max-contract player since Joe Johnson… Wait, Joe Johnson still plays? البينجو

If LeBron James didn’t pass the ball to the open man, he’d be exactly like Carmelo Anthony.

Streaming the game from my desktop to my iPad so I can watch on an illegal third-party internet site in bed is more satisfying than torrenting the entire Chumbawumba discography and eating Sour Patch Kids.

NBA referee’s have the worst professional referee outfits- no question (and yes, Erin McGown made me call them “outfits”).

Shane Battier’s head wrinkles are a sight to behold.

After watching mutiple alley-oops and just plain old regular dunks, I am convinced the NCAA should change their “no hanging on the rim” rule . ماهي لعبة الروليت It is much more satisfying (as a dunker) to hang up there for a bit and stare down at the fools you just dunked over (or so my tall friend Kevin tells me).

Folks, I’m just warming up.  Get ready for plenty of playoff notes and analysis as the time approaches.  I’m so excited/nervous that fellow Korked Bats writers have put me on “Bubba Watson Watch” and are constantly standing with tissues and hugs ready to be distributed.

 • • •

This post was created by Bryce. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @BryceStuck

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Casual Observations From an Intense Game appeared first on Korked Bats.

In all seriousness, the NFL has a huge problem on its hands. Bill Simmons made an excellent point yesterday that it isn’t about coaches encouraging players to kill each other on the field, it’s about the fact that players are bigger, faster, and stronger than ever. Human beings weren’t meant to collide at such high speeds. The bigger problem is, to truly fix this problem, the NFL shouldn’t impose more fines and create more rules. They may very well have to change the nature of the game itself…

In all non-seriousness, this is what the NFL should do about it:

• Make helmets from the same material the Michelin man is made of (right). Puffy foam? Great. Marshmallows? Even better.
• For every two steps NFL players sprint, make them move in slow motion for three steps. Not quite sure how to implement this. But it’s something to consider.
• All linebackers must wear roller skates with one of the four wheels missing.
• Place electric dog collars on all defensive players, then create a force field bubble around the quarterback (you can still sack our QB, it’s just going to sting YOU a little).
• All players must wear Sockem Boppers (below) instead of gloves.

• Shoulder pads will be replaced with memory-foam pillows (let’s deal with players’ memory loss issues at the source). Plus, they could jump up and down on their pads without spilling their wine.
• Astroturf and field turf will be replaced with old, sweaty mats from your junior high gym class (for obvious reasons like absorption, durability, nostalgia, and diseases).
• Helmets will be outfitted with the same technology that exists in newer cars… whenever something undetected is approaching the rear, a faint beeping noise will alert the QB’s (yes, I realize I could have made an “approaching the rear” joke there, but this is a family-friendly web site).
• Airbags will be installed into all chest-protection padding (side-curtain air bags are expected in the next 6-8 months).
• Under-Armor mouthpieces will be designed with kevlar (you must protect this MOUF!)

Those are just a couple of the ways we can revolutionize football together!  Let’s just make sure we don’t trip over each other in the process.

• • •

This post was created by Bryce. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @BryceStuck

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Tackling the NFL’s Safety Issues appeared first on Korked Bats.

For example:

Odds of getting a hole in one: 5,000 to 1

Odds of winning the Powerball Jackpot: 175,223,510 to 1

Odds of striking it rich on Antiques Roadshow: 60,000 to 1

Odds of getting struck by lightning: 576,000:1

Odds of being killed on a 5-mile bus trip: 500,000,000 to 1

Odds of actually playing in the NCAA tournament: 32,000 to 1

Odds of being married to Kim Kardashian for more than 1 year: 5,251,522,978 to 1

Odds of making a half-court shot for $1 million:  5,000,000 to 1

Odds of being an astronaut: 13,200,000 to 1

To put it another way, it is more likely that you would get a hole in one on the day you won the Powerball Jackpot while subsequently getting hit by lightning before dying in a crash on your 5-mile bus trip, on your way home from playing in the NCAA tournament all on the day of your one-year anniversary to Kim Kardashian which you won along with a million dollars for making a half-court shot all the while being in space, than it would be for you to have a perfect bracket.

But go ahead and knock yourself out for that perfect bracket…

Note: thanks to many sites on the internet (and Kim Kardashian), including funny2.com for helping compile this list

• • •

This post was created by Bryce. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @BryceStuck

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post The Perfect Bracket appeared first on Korked Bats.

And this tweet got me thinking.  If I had to franchise tag one of my family members, who would I choose?!  I’d like to invite you inside my brain for the next few minutes as I decide who deserves this honor.

Note: My wife is excluded from this list for obvious reasons (like, if you don’t franchise tag your wife, you may be found in a ditch wearing an eye patch.  Don’t be found in a ditch wearing an eye patch.) Plus she’s my best friend. And no, I didn’t put that because she’s reading this. But honey, if you’re reading this, I love you. And I did the dishes. I promise.

The Candidates for My Family Franchise Tag:

Andy (far right)- The oldest of my brothers. Andy taught me most of the things I know about life. How do drive a car. How not to drive a car. How to get a speeding ticket. How to get out of a speeding ticket. How to ask a girl on a date. How to dump a girl after your date goes poorly. He makes a compelling case for the franchise tag. I can’t let some other family swoop in and take the guy that built the stadium that was my teenage years. This is going to be difficult.  His field vision is unparalleled and I think his lifetime record against me in driveway basketball has got to be something like 1392-4.

At the same time, I need to be objective. Andy is a human, and humans have flaws.  His vertical leap isn’t what it used to be. But he can also still put me in a headlock until I pass out… Gosh this is going to be tougher than I thought…

Trey (middle)– Only a year younger than me, Trey and I shared many friends growing up. Either I wasn’t cool enough and had to hang out with younger kids, or Trey was really cool and got to hang out with older kids. This remains to be seen. Either way, he and I have been through a lot. And by a lot, I mean we dated the same girl once. Talk about awkward family dinners. Regardless, Trey may be the fastest of the bunch and his small hands can come in handy when you drop candy or other things in between your car seat and the center console (you have to take all things into consideration here).

If I’m being honest, Trey has some serious flaws. He’s the shortest of the brothers (a fact which we remind him of frequently). He also gets confused for my mother sometimes. I can’t slap my franchise tag on a guy that gets confused with my mom, can I?

Kyle (far left)– the youngest of my brothers, Kyle is the wildcard. Kind of like Randy Moss, Kyle is high-risk and high-reward. By high-risk, I mean that once Kyle jumped off our 25 foot deck while drinking a can of Mountain Dew and had to clear 12 feet of concrete (horizontally) to land in our pool.  By high-reward, I mean that Kyle did this jump with the greatest of ease- it was a thing of beauty. I may or may not have filmed this and subsequently posted it to my MySpace page. God bless 2006. Seriously though, Kyle once scored 9 points in the final 2 minutes of a high school basketball game. His raw athletic ability and striking resemblance to David Beckham make him hard to pass up with the family franchise tag.

After a lot of thought and discussion with my GM (aka our dog Sophie), I think I’ve come to a conclusion. I need to stop talking to dogs. Also, I also think I’ve made my decision. I’m going to have to slap the family franchise tag (for 2012) on my brother Kyle. His size, speed, collection of cool hats, and rugged good looks just tipped him over the edge.  Plus he has the most years left in his prime.  I’m going to need to hit the negotiation table with Andy and Trey to see if we can work out a deal for them to stay in the family.

• • •

This post was created by Bryce. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @BryceStuck

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post The Family Franchise Tag appeared first on Korked Bats.

Well, because I live in the frozen tundra of Ohio, I don’t observe the normal summer hiatus. Rather, I begged the fine folks at Korked Bats to allow me a sabbatical, errr, Korked Battical for the past six weeks. Instead of using that time to come up with funny angles or clever narratives about the current sports landscape, I am using the fall back as far as sports blogging is concerned- “What did I do on my winter vacation?”

(I wouldn’t be true to myself if this weren’t a list, so buckle up, here we go)

1. The Super Bowl- after toying with the idea of making the 90 minute trek to Indianapolis to take in the sights and sounds of the Super Bowl, I decided it would be better to watch it in high definition with 40 of my friends. Final score: Giants: 21, Patriots: 17, Commercials: 1.5, My Stomach: 124.

2. Mission Linpossible- There isn’t much to write that hasn’t already been said. Regardless, I haven’t been this excited about a shifty Asian since Rush Hour 2 hit theaters. (hi-oh!) (Also, is Baron Davis the Chris Tucker of my analogy? No, he’s way too chubby.)

3. The Hunger Games- While this has nothing to do with sports, I want to honestly share what I’ve been up to.  About 100 pages in, and this book is unreal. No jokes, just #Truth.

4. Texas Hold-Em- for a brief time I attempted to channel my inner Doyle Brunson and win some money off my friends.  We had a formal poker night at my place that involved pizza, wings, and me losing most of my allowance money.  The only positive of the night was that my Missouri Tigers landed a victory against the Kansas Felons Jayhawks.

So as you can see, I had an incredibly relaxing six weeks.  But don’t worry, I’m ready to assume my normal spot on Fridays, throwing out arbitrary lists and my casual observations of what millionaires do with a ball full of air. Glad to be back.

The post What I Did On My Summer Vacation appeared first on Korked Bats.

Ok, so that was a joke. SportsCenter has been dedicating entire hours of their show to Tebow. He’s on every major channel, radio station, and web site. People cannot stop talking about him. The other day, SportsCenter’s Twitter account asked followers “why do you find Tim Tebow so popular and polarizing?” Instead of giving you my answer to that question (which is a. He does things that our logical brains believe to be impossible and b. the Man he worships was more popular and polarizing… wait, I just gave you my opinion, dang it!) I want to address the people who loathe Mr. Tebow, specifically my buddy Sean.

In my opinion, people who hate Tim Tebow are as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, or one of Tebow’s passes either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

I have a lame (duck) friend named Sean who used to be a Tim Tebow hater, and by “used to be,” I really mean, still is a Tim Tebow hater. لعبه bingo He hates the coverage he gets for doing something rather average. He hates that one person can represent millions of believers. I had hoped Tebow would grow on Sean like a colony of E. Coli on some room-temperature Canadian beef, but it just didn’t happen.

I try and tell him that Tebow is special, he’s different. It’s not about what we can understand or comprehend- but apparently that’s not enough. I try and explain that Tebow speaks with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. But Sean just won’t listen.

And here we stand at the end of the week, an epic battle before us. The pass-first Patriots and their #1 seed versus the Denver Tebows. It seems like a match-up of destiny- the teams are set to dash toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.  But what will be the result of this collision? Sean and I will be eagerly watching and rooting for our respective trains.

• • •

This post was created by Bryce. You can follow him on Twitter: @brycestuck

Also, be sure to follow Korked Bats and our up-to-the-minute sports jokes on Twitter: @korkedbats

Bryce would definitely wants to give credit to this site for inspiring some of the jokes in the post.

The post Why My Friend Sean Shouldn’t Hate Tim Tebow appeared first on Korked Bats.

Dirk’s Dramatic Reading:

We have no words for this video. No. Words.

• • •

CPR Done The Right Way:

Any time you can get a tough-guy to promote CPR, it’s going to be good. But toss in a British accent, and it’s a game-changer. There is ZERO excuse for people in the UK to not know CPR now. You hear me Brits!? NO EXCUSE!

• • •

Amputee Football:

No jokes here, this is just incredible to watch (and worth sharing).

Christmas Flash Mob:

I love Christmas. And I love flash mobs. And I love food courts. No other explanation necessary.

• • •

A Less Exciting Christmas Flash Mob:

Old people try so hard to remain hip. And by hip, I mean broken hip.

• • •

Pulling a tooth using a Nerf Gun:

Whenever you ask the question “is this going to hurt?” and the response you hear after is “I guess you’ll have to tell me afterwards,” you know it’s going to be a good video.

The post Friday Fun appeared first on Korked Bats.

If you know me, you know I love many things. LeBron James, gratuitous amounts of candy, freakishly tall people, pet Polar Bears, and the NBA. While I don’t have the time (or battery power required to run my laptop) to write about all of these things, I thought I’d at least take some time on Christmas Eve to give the faithful readers of Korked Bats an ultimate NBA preview.

Top 6 Teams

1. Miami Heat
2. Oklahoma City Thunder
3. Chicago Bulls
4. Dallas Mavericks
5. Team Edward
6. Darkhorse: Los Angeles Clippers

Top 6 MVP Competitors

1. Kevin Durant
2. Derrick Rose
3. Dirk Nowitzki
4. LeBron James
5. Tim Tebow
6. Darkhorse: Zach Randolph

3 Teams That Will Surprise You

1. Indiana Pacers
2. Minnesota Timberwolves
3. The Milwaukee Magicians… No seriously, this is a group of professional magicians that do local birthday parties who will absolutely surprise you (they knew my card every time!)

5 Things More Hated than Kris Humphries

1. Penn State
2. Human Trafficking
3. Yellow Starburst
4. Miami Heat
5. I guess that’s about it…

3 Things That Will Disappoint

1. Los Angeles Lakers
2. Charlotte Bobcats
3. Pittsburgh Pirates
4. My counting

The post Complete NBA Preview appeared first on Korked Bats.

Player Movement:

• LeBron (and “The Decision“), Bosh, Amare, Carmelo in 2010-2011
• The Phillies trotting out four legitimate Cy Young Contenders in a single rotation
• Ongoing Brett Favre Drama
• The Eagles Dream Team
• Pujols, Fielder, Reyes, CJ Wilson, and other winter meeting nonsense
• And now Chris Paul and Dwight Howard are stepping into the mix…

*Note: The seemingly countless scandals are highlighted by Ohio State Football’s “Tattoo-Gate,” Miami Hurricane Football’s “Stripper-Gate,” Penn State Football’s “Shower-Gate,” and Syracuse Basketball’s “Bernie-Gate” to name a few.

**Second Note: Of all the players that moved and all the Dream Teams that were formed, not a single one has yet to win a title (Heat, Phillies, Eagles). I’d be worried if I was an Angels fan (and I’m only partly saying that because I’m a sad St. Louis fan… partly).

So now that player movement is all we can focus on, I thought I’d save the NBA some trouble and create 5 Mega-Teams. We don’t needs all these small and middle-markets clogging up our consciousness. With these five teams, all trade rumors and free agency garbage will cease to exist. We can focus on the stars and the stars only. If you’re going to undertake an endeavor of this magnitude, you need to do it right. Below are the rules, teams, and intriguing match ups of what I’m dubbing the KBA (Korked Bats Association).

So here are the rules- 5 teams, 6 players per team, owners, and coaches are included. Owners have to be from that city and have enough cash to bankroll a team. Sorry, Mr. McCourt. Coaches have to have a strong connection to the city and be just good enough to lace up if they were ever needed in a pickup game. Each team will also have one celebrity on their roster (example, Jimmy Kimmel will play on the LA team). I’ll rename each team so they can create their own identities and establish a new brand. Anyone who doesn’t make the cut is forced to try out for NFL squads or hopefully reclaim some NCAA eligibility. There will be a 30 game season, with no more than 3 games in a single week.  Playoffs will be best of 3 series with the #1 seed getting a first round bye. Tim Donaghy and Joey Crawford are not allowed to officiate games.

(Also, Each Team’s Logo Is Included… You’re welcome.)

Chicago Shenanigans

Rolls off the tongue and I can totally see Obama, Kevin Love, and Dwight Howard being up to some Shenanigans.

Owner: Oprah Winfrey

Coach: Michael Jordan (also available to sub-in if needed)

Roster: Derrick Rose, Dwight Howard,  Kevin Love, Ricky Rubio, Steph Curry, and Barack Obama

Los Angeles Lady Lumps

Only so their slogan can be “The LA Lady Lumps… Check it out!” (You’re welcome.)

Owner: Jerry Jones (originally from LA)

Coach: Bill Murray (did you see his moves in Space Jam?)

Roster: Kobe Bryant, Joe Johnson, Pau Gasol, LaMarcus Aldridge, Manu Ginobli, and Jimmy Kimmel

New York Ninjas

I haven’t heard a single convincing argument as to why “Ninjas” isn’t a mainstream mascot yet!

Owner: Jay-Z

Coach: Eddie Murphy

Roster: Carmelo Anthony, Chris Paul, Amare Stoudemire, Al Horford, Blake Griffin, and Jerry Seinfeld

Miami Mafia

Pretty self-explanatory.  I can’t remember the last time I thought, “Man, what an outstanding citizen and contributer to society” when referring to a native of Miami.

Owner: Drew Rosenhaus (now it’s his turn to negotiate the other side of contracts)

Coach: Jose Conseco

Roster: Dwayne Wade, LeBron James, Chris Bosh, Marc Gasol, Russell Westbrook, and Ricky Martin

Boston Brady’s

Tom Brady basically owns the town anyway, why not name the team after him?

Owner: George H.W. Bush (originally from Boston)

Coach: Bill Simmons (probably the least fearsome on the basketball court, but he is the Boston Sports Guy after all.  Plus, he almost made a half-court shot in front of thousands of people once)

Roster: Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Rajon Rondo, Dirk Nowitzki, Kevin Durant, and Ben Affleck

Intriguing Matchups

Boston vs. Chicago (Obama versus Bush Sr.) – aka the Battle of the White House

Chicago vs. New York (Oprah vs. Seinfeld) – aka the Battle for our Television Hearts

New York vs. Los Angeles (Eddie Murphy vs. Bill Murray) – aka the Battle of Saturday Night Live

Miami vs. New York (Ricky Martin vs. Jay-Z) – aka the Battle of 99 problems

Boston vs. LA (Jerry Jones vs. Bush Sr.) – aka the Battle for Texas that isn’t Fought in Texas

Those are just some of the match ups you would have to look forward to. Trust me, you’ll love the KBA more than humans love swimming like dolphins. It will free up SportsCenter for highlights (like SportsCenter was originally intended), instead of their current fabricated drama. (A problem we’ve never seen before… right, MTV?)

The post The NBA We’ve Always Wanted appeared first on Korked Bats.