This post won’t go down as my funniest, but I still think that you should read it.

With the MLB season just starting up and Clemens once again taking the stand, echoes of past steroid conversations bounced around my brain and brought up some old feelings. I started out trying to write a silly take on the Clemens trial, but as I wrote, more than that started pouring out… I couldn’t fight it. This is what I ended up with. One man’s humble take on the current state of Major League Baseball.

With all of the steroids controversy in baseball over the years, sports fans have been forced to expand their knowledge of legal terms, for better or worse.

The separation of church and state is one of the staples of American culture. Maybe we need to institute the separation of sports and state. Hear me out.

Sports are great on their own. They give us something to care about.  They make every day of the week more than just another day of the week. They transcend the barriers of age, language and gender. They evoke emotions that only those we love closest can tap into. They unite us all, once strangers, under a single banner of fandom. “I don’t know you, sir, but for the next three hours we are brothers in arms. We are united for reasons bigger than ourselves. We. Are. Fans.”

So, after that inspiring speech about the majesty of sport, we have to talk about how professional sports, specifically Major League Baseball, have lost their way and betrayed those of us who’ve invested so much of ourselves into them.

The goal of the athlete is to be the best. To win. It’s a pure desire in and of itself. It’s the natural instinct of every human being to be the best they can, but we’ve perverted this nature. The gods of money and power have injected their venom into a pure idea, and our stadiums and our athletes and our fans have suffered.

I say we cut out all of the BS. Let’s stop elevating our athletes to demigod status. Let’s revere them for the right reasons, and not let a dollar amount be what defines players as great. Let’s save the term “star” for the hollywood types and stop caring what grade Mark Sanchez’s girlfriend is in and what god Tebow believes in.

Let’s let them be athletes. And if they cheat to get ahead, let’s let them settle it amongst themselves like the tribes of old. Let order be maintained by members of the tribe, not by the people who write fat checks from their summer homes in the Hamptons. They don’t know what it’s like inside the dugout and the clubhouse after a tough loss. They don’t deserve the right to dictate tribal law.

I don’t care if Roger Clemens did steroids. To be honest, he had to, to keep the game fair. It was a glitch in the system, not in the individual character of certain athletes. They had no real choice. Let’s take some of the responsibility ourselves too. Our  insatiable appetite for victory was fuel for the fire. It’s good to have your team lose sometimes. It makes the wins all the more sweet. You appreciate victory more when you’ve tasted the bitterness of defeat.

If Clemens lied under oath, that’s between him and the court. But as far as whether or not he used steroids… let’s stop taking it so personally. He doesn’t owe us anything. He was just trying to do his job the best he could in a system that only gets self-righteous when the press cameras are rolling.

If anything, we should praise him for throwing that broken bat at Piazza.

The post Roger Clemens on Trial for Perjury, Sports Fans Learn What the Word Perjury Means appeared first on Korked Bats.

The NCAA has recently decided to ban the use of hoodies amongst minority student athletes on all college campuses that border communities with neighborhood watch programs.

While admitting that this will result in a major loss of income generated by selling the popular form of sweatshirt, they feel that it is in the best interest of the students to pull them off the racks.

In an official statement, one NCAA representative said, “Oh, it’s definitely about race, but what can we say…? The thing about America is, people are super racist, and they’re allowed to carry guns.”

The national ban has sparked outrage and protests on college campuses all across the country, with minority students feeling particularly discriminated against.

When asked if the national hoodie-ban felt discriminatory against minority students, sophomore Miles Westbrook had this to say, “The ban’s only for minority students, right? Yea, I’d say that’s like, the definition of discrimination.”

While national polls that we just made up show most of the country as anti hoodie-ban, states in the Midwest and South show the highest approval ratings.

“If I see a minority wearin’ one-a dem hoods on their head, what I’m sposda think, huh? Course I’m gon ‘sume they’re some kinda gangster,” said John Smith of Tuscaloosa, Alabama. John Smith works at a tire burning plant and never graduated high school.

While the irony is clearly in the fact that hooded white men used to be the scariest thing on earth, it’s obvious that the tables have turned.

This has some former and current members of a certain elitist boys club quite upset: “Hoods were our thing, dammit! Now the blacks and the Jews took that away from us too! We can’t all have scary hoods! What kind of world would that be?!” said Karl Dipspit of the Beta chapter in Jackson, Mississippi.

Clearly, the hood controversy is far from over. Hopefully though, the media will continue to administer partisan debate with useless expert opinions weighing in only to foster irreconcilable points of view on an issue that’s simple in nature.

Until the smoke clears, this reporter will leave his hoodies in the closet, and next time I stop to get some candy, I’m staying away from the Skittles.

• • •

This post was created by Chris. Help him spread awareness on Twitter: @realchrisnester

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post NCAA Issues Nation-Wide Ban of Hoodies for Minority Student Athletes appeared first on Korked Bats.

In fact, he was so excited, and the win was so unexpected that his weak little heart and brain couldn’t handle it.

The buzzer sounded, the game was over, and Adam was dead.

As it turns out, Adam died of what doctor’s are now calling “Norfolk State Syndrome” (NSS).

With Norfolk State Syndrome, the human mind and internal organs undergo such an intense state of shock and awe that they shut down completely.

After some digging around, we found other instances of similar deaths diagnosed in previous years as “Sudden Sports Fan Death Syndrome” (SSFDS).

We also found that there’s a positive correlation between the number of these types of deaths and the month of the year, with the highest number of deaths occurring in March.

Over the past five years, there’s been a record number of deaths amongst Virginia Commonwealth fans, and coming in at a close second is fans of Butler University.

NSS has flown under the radar for too long. In order to make a difference, people need to know about this silent killer.

If something isn’t done soon, fans of mid-major conferences will be extinct by 2019.

Help us at Korked Bats spread awareness about Norfolk State Syndrome.

Please send checks or money orders to chris@korkedbats.com, or just your credit card information works too.

No donation is too small… or too big. Together, we can make a difference. Let’s spread awareness the best way this generation knows how: Social Media. (See: Kony 2012) Please, use the hashtag: #NorfolkSyndrome2012

• • •

This post was created by Chris. Help him spread awareness on Twitter: @realchrisnester

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Spreading Awareness: Norfolk State Syndrome appeared first on Korked Bats.

I come to you today with exciting news. Amidst the beginnings of Championship weekend and on the cusp of March Madness, my roommates and I have taken it upon ourselves to embark on a great adventure.

The adventure is a five man, round-robin tournament of Major League Baseball featuring Ken Griffey Jr. for Nintendo 64.

Questions and concerns may arise when first hearing about this tournament that started literally 20 minutes ago.

Questions like:

Will this put a strain on your friendships and house dynamic since you’re all roommates?

Who will drink the most Budweiser?

Wait, how old are you guys?

Don’t you idiots have jobs?

We’re prepared to answer these questions and more, and we encourage you to ask them at will.

The teams competing in this weekends events are as follows:

The 1997 Anaheim Angels

The 1997 Colorado Rockies

The 1997 New York Mets

The 1997 Arizona Diamondbacks

The 1997 Florida Marlins

Ladies and gentlemen, if you haven’t realized this yet, what this tournament means is that MLB greats like Larry Walker, Jim Edmonds, Bobby Bonilla and Tim Salmon will once again be competing for the ultimate prize: $10 and an air-brushed T-shirt recently purchased from a thrift store in Brooklyn.

-Deep into the first game, the Angels of Anaheim seem to have the Marlins hooked, lined and sunk.

As the action continues, I’ll keep all of our readers up to speed on the action via Twitter: @korkedbats and my personal Twitter: @realchrisnester.

This is a tournament of Champions. This is where legends are made, and N64’s are once again made relevant.

The post Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball appeared first on Korked Bats.

Earlier this week, the USA soccer team beat a tough Italian opponent 1-0 during a friendly exhibition match.

It was a good win for the Americans, and a bad loss for Italy since it was to the Americans… for the first time ever.

While no on-field controversy broke out during the match, there were these two dudes at this bar I was at watching the game that got really mad at each other. bwin

It was a classic drunken shouting match brought on by a combination of patriotism and alcoholism. بوكر هولدم

Let me give you the script of this wonderful event:

• • •

This post was created by Chris. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @realchrisnester

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post USA Beats Italy Sparking Drunken Debate at This One Bar appeared first on Korked Bats.

I’m coming out and officially saying it…

It’s my fault that Ryan Braun got off the hook.

It feels good to get that out there to a handful of readers. Here’s the story:

I remember it like it was yesterday…

It was Saturday, October 1. To most people, this was just another Saturday, but to Karl and I, it was the official start of a two-day Lord of the Rings marathon.

Sorry, let me give you some context here.

The guy who collected Braun’s urine and was supposed to FedEx it to the lab to get tested or whatever, is my homie Karl. I was over at his place right after Braun took a leak and peaced out.

I got over there sometime in the early after noon, just a few minutes after Braun left.

I showed up with the DVDs (special edition, with the maps and everything), five pizzas, a three pound bag of Hot tamales and about 2 gallons of Dr. Pepper 10.

I just let myself in because I know the code to his garage door, headed downstairs and was all like, “Yo dude, let’s kill these orcs!”

He was all like, “I need to go deliver this Ryan Braun urine before the place closes,” but I was all, “Nah man, FedEx is open 24hrs. The only thing we need to deliver right now is this hookah smoke to our brains, bro!”

Karl never had a chance.

Not only am I a very convincing debater (First Team All-State in high school), but I had an ungodly amount of everything that makes weekends great: Junk food, candy, diet soda, and fantasy DVDs.

Karl said that we could start the marathon if I promised that we would go deliver the urine after The Fellowship Of the Ring. Knowing that I had won, I agreed.

44 hours and three special edition DVDs later, Karl remembered that he forgot to make the delivery.

Can you really blame him though? Have you ever seen the Lord of the Rings trilogy start to finish?

I’m just glad that my boss didn’t make me take a drug test after that weekend (ifyaknowhwhatimsayin).

I think the real problem here is the MLB letting dweebs like Karl deliver urine for drug tests. They’re the real criminals here.

You know who isn’t a criminal…? Gandalf. That dude is so tight.

Anyway, Ryan Braun, you won, man. Only you and God know the truth, but for now you definitely owe me some signed baseball cards, or like a million dollars or something.

• • •

This post was created by Chris. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @realchrisnester

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post It’s My Fault Ryan Braun Got Off the Hook appeared first on Korked Bats.

BROOKLYN, NY – High Schooler Chase MacDermmit was sitting on a bench, smoking an American Spirit he had just rolled, when out of nowhere, a football came crashing towards his face.

Whether it was reflexes or pure primal instinct, MacDermmit reacted in time, making a rather miraculous catch. Needless to say, he felt good about it.

As bystanders and onlookers stood by and looked on, MacDermmit couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride come over him. He knew that they knew that he had just made great catch, and the rush from such instant glorification was intoxicating.

MacDermmit had his first  taste of physical pride, a feeling that, up until that moment, he had assumed only jocks and black people ever felt. He was hooked, and he was desperate for more.

As he returned to his public high school the following day, MacDermmit had a new sense of determination.

He threw away his cigarettes, took off his thick-framed, non-prescription glasses and, most importantly, stopped listening to Lana Del Ray.

It was like a scene from a Disney movie. This story truly is the type that should be made into a movie… I’m actually prepared to sell the rights to it for a reasonable price… But back to the story:

MacDermmit had turned over a new leaf, and he had his eye on the prize. He was determined to become the best wide-receiver his high school had ever scene.

Unfortunately for him, it isn’t football season anymore. Basketball season is more than halfway over as well, so MacDermmit decided to focus on a third sport where the skill of “catching” is key: baseball.

MacDermmit goes to see the coach.

“Coach,” he said, “I want to play second base.”

“Ok,” said the coach, “But we don’t really need a second…”

Unless we’re talking about sequels here, in which case, we could probably use a second and third. I’m talking about a trilogy, baby. “From Cigs to Center: The Chase MacDermmit Story, Parts I, II, and III.”… But back to the story:

“…baseman.”

“How about center field?” Asked the ambitious 17 year-old.

“Center field could use a fresh pair of legs,” said the coach with a smile.

They shake hands, and the story begins…

Speaking of fresh legs… Hollywood, right?? So if you or any of your agent friends are looking for the next big teen-drama series for a major production company, email me.

I write, I act, I’ve even done some directing/producing. Mostly indie stuff, like, neo-mumblecore stuff. Ideally, I’ll be playing the role of Chase MacDermmit, but we can talk more about that once we get into negotiations.

Email me with any questions at: Chase-ingthedream@hotmail.com.

Other potential trilogy names:

From Denim to the Diamond: The Chase MacDermmit Story

From the Dive Bar to the Dugout: The Chase MacDermmit Story

The Sandlot 4: The Chase MacDermmit Story

• • •

This post was created by Chris. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @realchrisnester

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Hipster Accidentally Catches Football While Smoking on Park Bench, Turns Life Around appeared first on Korked Bats.

Immediately following last night’s epic finish against rival North Carolina, Duke University’s Board of Religious Affairs voted unanimously to deify Austin Rivers.

Not many people know that Duke University is historically and currently associated with the United Methodist Church. Basically, this means that a bunch of Quakers founded what has become one of the top universities in America.

Little known fact: Quakers were notoriously good at basketball and recruiting. And oatmeals.

Most private institutions have religious affiliations to them: Georgetown – Catholicism; Brigham Young – Mormonism; Harvard – Capitalism. And, being private institutions, they are allowed certain privileges that public universities are not.

So, when a private university wants to deify a student athlete after what could be called a god-like performance in a game, no one can stop them…unless they’re Catholic. If they’re Catholic, the Pope can veto that crap.

Anyway, Rivers is now a god in a religion that claims to be monotheistic, and this is where they start running into some red tape.

Apparently, some Duke students and faculty take this religion thing pretty seriously and are upset at having to now worship a second god: “Yea, it kind of seems like the Religious Board doesn’t really understand what Methodists believe… I mean, the Bible makes it pretty clear that there’s only one God, so unless Austin Rivers is the second coming of Christ… wait a minute… maybe… he is. Oh man, this just got real,” said sophomore Reagen Mansfield.

While some are upset and confused, other university students and faculty have fully embraced the change: “I think it’s great,” said economics TA, Saj Patel. “I am no stranger to multiple deities, so to see my university embracing this Eastern concept is very encouraging.”

According to Junior feminist studies major, Annie Franz, it’s less about deity and more about gender: “Catholics have the Virgin Mary, but of course, in classic WASP fashion, we get another man looking down on us. At least he’s not white.”

The debate continues, but, at least for now, Protestants have another dude to hang pictures of in their living rooms.

• • •

This post was created by Chris. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @realchrisnester

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Austin Rivers Deified in Controversial Duke Religious Admin Decision appeared first on Korked Bats.

America and England have been in constant competition with each other ever since we decided that we didn’t want to pay their taxes anymore, and soccer is literally the only area where they’re still ahead.

But this past weekend, right before our very eyes, that all changed.

This past Saturday, American soccer player, Clint Dempsey, became the first of our people to score a hat trick in the European Premiere League.

This is a monumental accomplishment not only because three goals in any EPL game is impressive, but because on Saturday, we as a nation took a big step towards taking soccer from the English.

I know that you’re thinking, “But Chris, we’re already better at everything than England, why can’t we just let them keep soccer?” I’ll tell you why, friends.

We need to take soccer from England to get out of the economic recession. Hear me out.

Let’s use England as a case-study for this theory of mine.

England, A Case Study:

The people of England don’t have a lot going for them. They’re pale and sound like they have food in their mouths when they talk. But, they get on as if everything is fine because all they care about is their precious little football clubs.

Soccer is the life-force of every human being in England. It’s what they think about before they fall asleep at night, and it’s what gets them out of bed in the morning. They can’t live with out it. They’re addicts, junkies even, and they’ll chase that dragon wherever it leads… even if it means traveling abroad.

Exhibit A: The World Cup. 

The last world cup was in South Africa. South Africa is approximately 10,000 miles away from England, but that didn’t stop those crazy hooligans from getting into airplanes and making the trip. They couldn’t help themselves because they’re addicted to the stuff.

What resulted, was the economy of South Africa being instantly boosted, Nelson Mandela became president of Africa, and I’m pretty sure that AIDS got cured too… well, at least white people AIDS.

Look, I’ll have to check the facts on that last part, but the point remains: The economy was stimulated.

And we already have the stadiums and infrastructure to support major sporting events, which means that soccer money is all profit, baby. $$$!

What else do you need me to tell you? If I was reading this in front of a live audience, this is the part where I drop the mic and walk off stage.

Dammit, it feels so good to save America.

Listen to me, friends. If we all do our part, we can create a better world for our children. Not my children, I don’t  have any, and I’m pretty sure that all of  mankind will be sterile by 2025, but for those that are already here, I have a dream.

A dream that they shall see with their own eyes the day when America takes soccer and makes it her own thus saving ourselves, and, by default, the world.

Preach on, Brother Clint.

And everybody said…Amen.

• • •

This post was written by Chris. Follow his flawed theories on Twitter: @realchrisnester

Also, follow Korked Bats on Twitter for up-to-the-minute sports jokes: @korkedbats

The post Clint Dempsey: American Hero appeared first on Korked Bats.

Last week, on the Conan O’Brien show, America found out that American League MVP and Cy Young Winner Justin Verlander’s secret is eating Taco Bell the night before every game he starts.

It’s more than just a meal for him though, it’s a ritual. He gets the exact same thing every time: Three crunchy taco supremes, no tomato; one cheesy gordita crunch; one mexican pizza, no tomatoes.

I’m tempted to go on a tangent here about how no other professional athlete would, or could fill themselves up with such a toxic meal before a big game, but I think we’ve all come to that conclusion already.

What’s more important to focus on here, is the fact that we all need to make sure that Taco Bell takes this free gift and puts the “Verlander” onto it’s menu.

If the marketing team over at wherever Taco Bell gets their marketing done is worth anything at all, they will capitalize on this and create a menu combo item. It could be the new 5 Buck Box.

Who would eat the Verlander? I would eat the Verlander. Throw a drink in the mix and I think I’ve found a new favorite order.

So get your emails ready, and I’ll take care of the rest. All you have to do is copy and paste the following message and send it on over to Taco Bell. If enough of us do it, we’ll be enjoying “Verlanders” in no time:

To whom it may concern,

Hello, my name is [YOUR NAME] and I recently watched a video on the internet where Cy Young winning pitcher, Justin Verlander, mentioned that he regularly consumes your conveniently priced Mexican fare. He continued on, saying that he even orders the exact same menu items every time: Three crunchy taco supremes, no tomatoes; one cheesy gordita crunch; one Mexican pizza, no tomatoes.

As a semi-regular patron, I highly encourage you to take this combination of food and turn it into the most epic combo meal fast food has ever seen. Also, you should add a drink.

If you don’t do this, I will be very upset. I’ll take it personally, actually. Why wouldn’t you create the “Verlander Combo” or the “Verlander Box” or the “Cy Young Box” or the “Official Meal of the Best Pitcher in Baseball Box?” Feel free to use any of those titles, by the way. Or, just call it the “Verlander.”

“Welcome to Taco Bell, can I take your order?”  “Yes, you can. I’ll take three Verlanders, please.” “Great choice, sir.” “Thank you, competent employee.”

Every drive-thru interaction could be that beautiful.

Don’t be stupid, Taco Ball. Most people hate you, but I love you. Don’t break my heart like you break my bowels.

Best,

[YOUR NAME]

You’re welcome. Now get to petitioning!

• • •

This post was created by Chris. Follow him and all of his jokes on Twitter: @realchristnester

Also, follow Korked Bats and all of our up-to-the-minute sports jokes on Twitter: @korkedbats

The post Eat Taco Bell, Win the Cy Young appeared first on Korked Bats.