I normally couldn’t care less about any form of NASCAR, and even after yesterday, I probably still won’t for the foreseeable future. I’ve just never been able to get into it, which is shocking considering the general area of the country I’m from and the fact that several of my former classmates had literal shrines to Jeff Gordon and Kasey Kahne.

It just doesn’t interest me. However, today’s events took me way back to the days of playing Mario Kart for hours on end on the old Nintendo DS. NASCAR was actually action-packed this weekend, and if not for the sheer chaos on Sunday, I probably would have gone the entire day not even knowing that NASCAR was on.

Chase Briscoe went full-on Rainbow Road shortcut (if you know, you know) and tried to propel himself to the front of the pack today at the Indy Motor Speedway, much to the disappointment of fellow driver Denny Hamlin (barf).

I’ve often wondered why more drivers don’t just cut through the grass and introduce some chaos into the mix. Evidently, it’s “illegal,” (which is shocking considering the number of +70-year-old drivers I’ve seen cut across the highway median grass scot-free), even in NASCAR.

*Briscoe’s move was clearly intentional, whereas many elderly speedsters attempt this maneuver in the pursuit of a Hardee’s chicken biscuit at 5:45 a.m.*

You would think that NASCAR would want more highlights and risky plays like this to boost engagement and help people like me remember that you’re actually holding an event today, but instead it became more about what happened after the race.

Briscoe pulled out a red turtle shell and spun out Denny Hamlin from the lead late in the race leading to this confrontation in pit row afterward:

Eventually, cooler heads prevailed and the two drivers just kind of agreed to disagree over the way that the situation should’ve been handled.

In my book, even though the illegal move caused him to finish 26th, Chase Briscoe came out of today’s race looking like the real winner, even if it was in a true Ricky Bobby Talladega Nights comeback fashion. Denny Hamlin had a chance to be the Cal Naughton Jr. of the day and form a true “Shake & Bake” type friendship, but instead, he chose to respond in a way that is typical of any guy with the name “Denny”.

The post Chase Briscoe Going Full Mario Kart Actually Had Me Invested In NASCAR For A Brief Moment appeared first on Korked Bats.

Let’s not get it twisted here. While it may look like White Sox manager Tony La Russa was running out of the dugout to get in the mix after first baseman José Abreu was drilled in the head with an unintentional fastball, I can see right through this mild-mannered sprint by the 76-year-old skipper.

That’s the stride of a man who is mere moments away from pooping his pants.

We’ve all been there, and there’s no fear that comes close to comparing to it. It’ll send a chill down even the toughest man (or woman’s) spine, and will prompt some quick thinking and resourcefulness. Tony’s showing all the telltale signs:

The pale face, sweaty palms, inability to move/speak properly, yelling in a setting that doesn’t require that loud of a voice, and getting extremely close to the catcher’s face when speaking to him…

Tony either desperately has to relieve himself, or he’s under the influence of some impairing substance (and we’re not talking spider-tack, folks). However, I’m sure there’s no incident(s) in his past that would have us believe the latter *wink wink*, so it got me thinking…

What are the worst menu items introduced throughout the years by fast-food chains that are sure to make you terribly sick and lead to what many are now calling “The Tony Trot”?

The “Chizza” (KFC)

Ingredients: chicken, ham, pineapple, tomato sauce, cheese sauce, mozzarella.

This is one of the most repulsive things I’ve ever seen. At it’s best, it’s a terrible idea – at it’s worst, it’s this (a horrific idea). Perhaps the most despicable part is still the pineapple for me. People who put pineapple on pizza deserve the death penalty, and I guess this also applies on a “chizza”, but it’s just so otherworldly confusing. I’m also 99% sure that’s a piece of bologna in the picture on the right, which shockingly gives me no more peace than the single, thick-cut slice of ham does.

Onion Nuggets (McDonald’s)

Ingredients: literally just onions and month-old frying grease

I mean, did they even know onion rings existed? If you handed me one of these and I assumed it was a nice chicken nugget (because why would I have any reason to think otherwise) I would promptly beat you to within an inch of your life. This image just looks stale, and seeing the whole onion posted up against the box like a sidekick in a superhero movie makes me nearly gag.

“The School Lunch Smoothie” (Every Middle School in America)

Ingredients: More limitless than Bradley Cooper in Limitless

This was always the negative outcome proposed in any bet that was placed at the lunch table in middle school. I distinctly remember heated competitions would take place to determine who could make the most grotesque concoction, and the loser would have to drink the beverage entirely. In the picture above, I think the glass cup would make it so much worse. We would just tear the milk container completely open, and thank God it wasn’t see-through because the mental aspect was crucial in digesting these abominations if you were so unfortunate.

– Writer’s note: I’m about to make @Instagram drink one of these if they don’t hurry up and #FreeKorkedBats. Clock’s ticking guys, I know my middle school pals would love to get together one more time just to construct a nice tall glass of horror for whoever won’t give us our account back.

(*Credit to Ask.com, Eat This-Not That, and Ranker.com, for finding/compiling some of these absolute monstrosities.*)

The post A List Of Fast Food Items Most Likely To Make You Do “The Tony Trot” To The Nearest Restroom appeared first on Korked Bats.

After all, we haven’t seen anything this scary from someone with an origin story built on distributing books since Stephen King started writing horror stories in 1959.

The timeline and ever-evolving key characteristics needed to become an iconic villain are aligning more perfectly for Jeff right now than when his workers clock in for their fast-paced (absolutely no piss break included) 12-hour shifts at Amazon.

Here’s a few examples of what I’ve noticed:

The Evil/Creepy/Just Downright Weird Laugh

It’s rare to see any great villain that doesn’t have a laugh that will send chills down your spine. My personal favorite has to go to The Joker, played by the late Heath Ledger in 2008’s The Dark Knight.

However, on Monday, Jeff pulled out a laugh from the depths of hell after nearly ascending to the heavens, all within the span of about 20 minutes (suck on that, Elon).

The Accessibility to Breaking Edge Technology & Extreme Wealth

On June 5, 2019, Jeff Bezos literally lived out the beginning of the story of Dr. Otto Octavius. If that name doesn’t ring a bell, he was better known as “Doc Ock”, and appeared in Spider-Man 2…

There’s really not much left to say here, this video is just literally the exact same thing as in the movie.

You can tell just how aroused Jeff is in this video at the idea of every Amazon worker being strapped into one of these bad boys. Can you imagine the productivity increase in every Amazon factory in the world? Also, does anyone else find it ironic that the guy obsessed with productivity happens to have a “lazy” eye?

Let’s explore that next…

The Crazy Eyes

Remember Ed the Hyena from The Lion King?

Enough said. Jeff can both look into your eyes and also see what happened behind you with his right one. I wouldn’t even be slightly surprised to learn that his eye has deteriorated to that state due to the machine that reads his pupil to allow entry into his evil lair.

The Shiny Bald Head

Voldemort is undoubtedly the offspring of Jeff Bezos and vacation Mark Zuckerberg. The bald head, pasty (either sunscreen or human flesh covered) skin tone, and otherworldly speed to arrive at distant locations seemingly next-day (shoutout Amazon Prime), are all too obvious for me to ignore.

And Finally, Thousands of Loyal Minions

Hey Jeff, if you’re reading this, (and I’m sure you and Zuck are) could you please take a moment to #FreeKorkedBats on Instagram? I literally don’t know of anyone else above you in the hierarchy of getting things done on the World Wide Web.

The post Building The Perfect Villain: Jeff Bezos appeared first on Korked Bats.

(Also, this deep-fried image is just how I imagine Joe sees everything on DMT)

I know this has been a common complaint among many UFC fans over the last couple of years, so I decided to give my take on it.

It couldn’t have come at a better time, seeing as how Stephen A. and ESPN as a whole are in hot water right now in regards to talent placement and other comments recently made by some of their top-line personalities.

So, here’s just a few things/people/noises that I would rather hear over a Stephen A Smith led UFC broadcast:

#3: TikTok Influencer/UFC Reporter Addison Rae

Does she know what the UFC is? Probably not, but she still managed to make waves recently by taking a red carpet reporter-type role, causing several thousand Twitter egg “Capital J” journalists to collectively lose their minds over their 17-year-old college degrees they earned from WriteAboutSports University. Not me though, I would rather watch millions of the most cringe-worthy TikTok’s ever created over hearing Stephen A trying to break down a Khabib chokehold.

#2: The AMBER Alert System Noise

Nothing will awaken you from a good nap like this bad boy right here. Did a child in a location 6 hours away from me just get abducted, or are we under threat of the Earth being launched into the Sun? It’s hard to tell the difference based off this eardrum-piercing screech. And, honestly, what do they expect me to do with this information? Stop the abduction myself single-handedly? Literally, every vehicle in southern middle Tennessee looks like it would fit a typical AMBER Alert description.

Why don’t they tell Stephen A. to go stop it since he can apparently do everything? Just tell him to be careful if he has to cross borders where the people may speak another language. In his opinion, that would be bad for the image of the sport of child rescuing…

#1: Any Song By The Band “Sugarland“

Normally, any song by Sugarland and lead vocalist Jennifer Nettles is enough to make me want to remove myself from the modern world and become a monk that just sits on top of a mountain for days on end. Now, the song “Stuck Like Glue” and Stephen A.’s rambling are both battling for the title of the most annoying noise in the world, and it’s looking like it could be one of those eternal battles that even our children will one day discuss.

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And speaking of the UFC, if they’re going to sit back and allow Stephen A. talk about their sport, can’t they also give Korked Bats our Instagram account back?? #FREEKORKEDBATS

The post 3 Things I Would Rather Listen To Over Stephen A. Smith Trying To Analyze UFC Fights appeared first on Korked Bats.