I’m not one to place blame, but hear me out. How many diseases have the Vikings introduced into the world historically?

The first major pandemic occurring in the time of the Vikings (barely) was the Justinian plague. Some historians believe the plague of Justinian resulted in the deaths of an estimated 25–50 million people during the two centuries of its multiple recurrences, a death toll equivalent to 13–26% of the world’s population at the time of the first outbreak. The Justinian plague petered out in ca. AD 750, just before the Vikings raided England and Western Europe began, but not before the Vikings began roaming the Baltic Sea.

via this website

“Gee, grit, I havent heard of the Justinian plague. Is there another one I might register that the Vikings were responsible for?”

Glad you asked, hypothetical voice in my head, have you heard of smallpox?

Professor Eske Willerslev, of St John’s College, University of Cambridge, and director of The Lundbeck Foundation GeoGenetics Centre, University of Copenhagen, led the study.

He said: “We discovered new strains of smallpox in the teeth of Viking skeletons and found their genetic structure is different to the modern smallpox virus eradicated in the 20th century. We already knew Vikings were moving around Europe and beyond, and we now know they had smallpox. People travelling around the world quickly spread Covid-19 and it is likely Vikings spread smallpox. Just back then, they travelled by ship rather than by plane.

via this website

I’m not saying we should sharpen the pitchforks and light the torches yet, but this historical record of recklessly spreading disease must be in the forefront of the investigation.

#Vikinggate

The post The NFL’s COVID Outbreak And Other Diseases The Vikings Definitely Spread appeared first on Korked Bats.

We need to talk about Hornussen, but first I want to talk about this Hornussen hype video. It has everything you would expect from the production crew that brought you the 80’s Nickelodeon’s “Wild & Crazy Kids.” It has synthesized music, rhythmic cows, several slow motion clips of random things thrown in the air, headbands and oh that wonderful Star Wars opening crawl.

Now that that has been addressed we can talk about the game of games, Hornussen.

The earliest reference to Hornuss is found in the records of 1625 of the consistory of Lauperswil, canton Bern, in a complaint about the breaking of the Sabbath. Two men were fined the sum of 20 francs for playing Hornussen on Sunday.

via Hornussen Wikipedia page

The first reference to my new favorite game in recorded history is a complaint because the boys were getting rowdy on a Sunday? Count me in.

The Swiss-invented farmers golf requires a super long stick often made out of carbon fiber with a block of wood called a Träf at the end. You line up your drive and hit the “Hornuss” (basically a puck named after a hornet because it buzzes while its traveling at 180 miles-per-hour) toward your opponent who tries to swat your Horness with giant goddamn pizza paddles for some fucking reason. If your puck hits the ground you score a point (or something, I really don’t know yet).

This lies somewhere between golf and baseball with, on average, triple the follow through. Ken Griffey Jr. would dominate with that beautiful windmill swing. I’m all in on Hornussen, and I can finally stop attempting to understand the complicated piece of shit game called cricket.

As with anything interesting and fun, Red Bull gave it some wings. Red Bull’s version gets rid of the pizza flipping losers in the Back-40 and lets you long bomb radioactive Hornussi with no fears of killing livestock or kinfolk like you were a safety official at Chernobyl.

The post Grit is Horny, Horny for Hornussen appeared first on Korked Bats.

Well well well, what do we have here (insert random USA Today Sports writer)? Where in the absolute hell do they keep making little sniveling water-carrying pieces of shit like you? *Googles* Northwestern. Oh dammit.

September 16, 2020: “The Darkest Day in Big Ten History.”

Since I pulled my calendar out to note the date (per your request), I should probably find some more dates of interest so this masturbatory pantomime of a performance doesn’t go to waste.

Everyday from 1994-2009: “Jerry Sandusky”

On November 4, 2011, a grand jury that had been convened in September 2009, or earlier, indicted Sandusky on 40 counts of sex crimes against young boys. The indictment came after a three-year investigation that explored allegations of Sandusky having inappropriate contact with an underage boy over the course of four years, beginning when the boy was ten years old. The boy’s parents reported the incident to police in 2009. The grand jury identified eight boys who had been singled out for sexual advances or sexual assaults by Sandusky, taking place from 1994 through 2009. At least 20 of the incidents allegedly took place while Sandusky was still employed at Penn State.

via Jerry Sandusky’s Wikipedia page

Let’s keep going…

According to the first indictment, in 2002 assistant coach Mike McQueary, then a Penn State graduate assistant, said he walked in on Sandusky anally raping a ten-year-old boy. The next day, McQueary reported the incident to head coach Joe Paterno. (Later while testifying during the Sandusky trial, McQueary spoke about what he had relayed to Paterno: “I told him and I want to make sure I’m clear. I made sure he knew it was sexual and wrong. There was no doubt.”) Paterno told McQueary at the time, “You did what you had to do. It is my job now to figure out what we want to do.” At the Preliminary Hearing for Tim Curley and Gary Schultz, McQueary testified that Paterno was “shocked and saddened, kind of slumped back on his chair.” He said that Paterno told him: “‘I’m sorry you had to see that. It’s terrible.’ And he said, ‘I need to think and tell some people about what you saw and I’ll let you know what … what we’ll do next.'” Paterno then informed Penn State athletic director Tim Curley. At the Preliminary Hearing, McQueary also testified that he “believed” Sandusky was having “some type of intercourse” with the boy. He said that this was based on “the positioning” of Sandusky and the boy, but that he never saw “insertion” or “penetration” and is not “100 percent sure” that intercourse was occurring.

Let’s not forget those “Dark Days” at Penn State.

Everyday from 1990 to 2015 ( I don’t know the exact dates, but you get the point by now): Larry Nassar

265 girls. 265!

Larry Nassar is the reason I am cautious with my daughter (who loves gymnastics).

Michigan State University said that it first received a complaint against Nassar in 2014. A Title IX investigation into the complaint found no violation of policy and Nassar was allowed to continue treating patients under certain agreed upon restrictions, as stipulated by MSU College of Osteopathic Medicine Dean William Strampel. However, no monitoring was instituted. After allegations against Nassar were reported by The Indianapolis Star in September 2016, Nassar was fired by Michigan State for violating the 2014 agreement.

via USA Gymnastic’s Wikipedia page

And more…

The university faces lawsuits from 144 local and MSU athletes who say they were sexually assaulted by Larry Nassar. Michigan State University gymnastics coach Kathie Klages was suspended on February 13, 2017, and retired the next day, amidst the sexual abuse investigation of Nassar. Klages has been accused of dismissing sexual abuse complaints by former gymnasts against Nassar and pressuring them to stay silent. According to court documents, Klages was reportedly aware of sexual abuse allegations against Nassar as early as 1997.

More “Dark Days” happened at Michigan State.

Hell, many “Dark Days” happened at Michigan under Dr. Robert Anderson.

Many “Dark Days” happened at Ohio State under Dr. Richard Strauss.

On a day where we watched Kanye pee on a Grammy Award with laser-guided precision, I just cannot get this dumb lady’s headline off my mind. I should be work-shopping jokes on how I can’t run a spoon under the faucet without looking like I came off Daredevil Falls, but this asshole pisses into a literal cone and walks away untouched like Caitlyn Jenner on a vehicular manslaughter charge. Can’t even enjoy it.

You pretend the Big Ten has a soul? Not to mansplain here, Christine, but a conference is a piece of paper, in a folder, in a filing cabinet, in a rich man’s office. It gives a shit about none of us. No conference has a soul.

The only time a “soul” is mentioned is when some narcissistic piece of shit wants to cry out upwards from the cold sewage filled gutter they dwell. The only warmth provided is from a bullshit piece of paper someone told you was special.

Note this day, Christine.

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Sound the siren ???? #TakeSiren ????

The post The Conference That Brought Us Jerry Sandusky, Larry Nassar, & Several Other POS’s Apparently Has (Or Had) A Soul? appeared first on Korked Bats.

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I’ll answer this with a similar situation. My wife would wear these big annoying hoop earrings. We were on vacation once and were about to go scuba diving and she left them in. I ask “why would you wear those?” She follows with a “don’t worry about it.” I stopped worrying about it. On an old hard drive I have video of her being stared down by a barracuda that was obsessed with the dangly fishing lures that presented her carotid arteries as bullseyes.

We get back on the boat and she asks “why was he staring me down.” I passively respond with a “I wouldn’t worry about it.”

I explained it later that night, but for the time being it felt good.

Basically give it time. Marriage is a long ride and if the easy explanation isn’t accepted at first it’ll come around later. Use your time wisely and your arguments sparsely. You’ll get another shot (unlike the tomatoes that died in this standoff.)

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Egg rolls really are kind of trash. Not all fears are meant to be conquered. I’m afraid of clowns. I gain absolutely nothing by befriending a clown. Crab ran-goons are better. Or try a spring roll, they are the see through healthier version. Egg rolls will not improve your life. Go full Lonely Island and make them fear you. Don’t be a part of the system.

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No. We have the joy of dying one day.

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I hope to everything it is Trevor Bauer. You will not find a group of guys who loves some @BauerOutage more than us. Hell we’d work him into our logo if we were sure we wouldn’t get sued. Bauer forever and #FreeJoeKelly.

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It’s a bulldog. They were built to absorb everyone’s sadness with no chance of being happy themselves. They have short little legs with big bellies and faces that defy reason. This is a downhill battle. Keep trying to find the amount of activity they can handle or get a dog stroller. Just imagine being built like that. You’d be angry too.

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It gets a lot easier when you remove expectations. If you figure out how to do that please write a book and make millions. Sports are pain. No way around it.

The post Grit’s Mailbag appeared first on Korked Bats.

Either Sierra Nevada Celebration or Highland’s Cold Mountain gets the best beer nod, but the first Miller Lite I had w my pops was the best one I’ve ever had. I’ve also had a day old warm half drank Red Stripe I found in the shower one Sunday morning that gave me life again when Saturday’s headache was planning on putting me in the dirt. That beer was life changing. Chugged a beer when buddies died. Clinked cans when babies were born. Cheers’d shit beer with brothers I haven’t seen in a while. Those were great too. I don’t know @BigOrangePruitt, maybe the next beer is the best beer.

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Man. This is rough. I know your pain. You see a kid come up. You sweat over him as a damn Portland Sea Dog. He becomes family before he becomes a bat. Before the stardom you fall in love with the potential. You remember the first time he hits the lineup. You remember that late June call up in June of 2014. You remember his first hit in his first game against the Yankees in the 4th inning. It felt right. Then in 2018 he won every damn award available.

I know I’m not making this easy Cameron. Guess what? It’ll never be easy seeing him in Dodger Blue. You aren’t just a Sox fan. You are a Mookie fan. Plan accordingly.

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Jack McBrayer. That voice is equal parts Heaven, Hell, and those little huckleberries that used to stick to your shoelaces.

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Nobody puts Tom-Yam in the corner. Also it’s not crazy until it is.

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Antigua, Iceland, Yosemite

The post Grit’s Mailbag appeared first on Korked Bats.

Each week, grit makes a call to do beers. This is a recap of some of the beers sent into us. If you don’t see your beer here, follow @GRITknox  and  @KorkedBeers on Twitter and next time there’s a call to do beers, send us pics of your beers, and then DO BEERS.

We’re building the Internet’s (and social distancing’s) biggest and best bar each weekend. Join us and let’s do beers!

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Vanilla is a keyword here and life is imitating art.

3.8/10

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It’s a lemon on a bike. Sum’bitch is happy too. What is he delivering? A damn good time, that’s what.

7.1/10

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Look at me- wait err don’t look at me. I obviously didn’t get dressed. It ain’t hard beer people.

2.3/10

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I guess a “sorry for your loss” is in order since these sad beers are obviously mourning the death of their more attractive friend who is slightly off camera being lowered into his grave.

2.2/10

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“Mo Money, Mo Opinions.” That’s just plain damn dumb. Is it onion beer? I’m out.

3.4/10

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I think I like this more than I should (but it’s still not a lot.)

4.3/10

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Do you drink through the mask? Does it double filter the beer? Follow up w drinking one through a mask and I’ll rate it.

Rating pending.

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Just a 4-piece of handsome beer. Also, show some respect for yourself and clean your damn fridge. Everything looks half eaten.

I CANT RATE THIS BECAUSE THE BEERS LOOK UNCOMFORTABLE.

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What a happy beer.

5.2/10

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Now you’re just pissing me off. SHOW SOME ANKLE.

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Ooooooh- er my bad whoooooo. I like this. I assume this beer tastes as good as the feeling when you get a little too close to the fire pit on a cold night in the fall and singe some leg hair. (That means good.) Also how do you still have pumpkin in the spring?

7.2/10

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Me likey. Just give me a shitty drawing of an animal and a non-aggressive pun, and I’m in there fellas.

6.6/10

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This is the definition of quantity vs quality.

NEXT.

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I can’t judge this one.

MULLIGAN.

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Live it up. The bottle is trash,but live it up still.

3.5/10

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Random shapes? Is this a Rorschach test? I’ll fail, but the can passes.

6.2/10

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DOES NOT COUNT (but pour me a couple fingers.)

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Man, my eyes crossed NGL. Get a load of Scorsese.

4.8/10

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Home.

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REMINDER: DO NOT DO BEERS naked. ‘DO BEERS’ shirts and hats are available at korkedbats.com/store.

-grit

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FOLLOW:

Grit’s Twitter | Korked Beers Twitter | Korked Beers Instagram

The post WE DOIN’ BEERS?! appeared first on Korked Bats.

Each week, grit makes a call to do beers. This is a recap of some of the beers sent into us. If you don’t see your beer here, follow @GRITknox  and  @KorkedBeers on Twitter and next time there’s a call to do beers, send us pics of your beers, and then DO BEERS.

We’re building the Internet’s (and social distancing’s) biggest and best bar each weekend. Join us and let’s do beers!

After two back-to-back BYE weeks, we’re ready to give out some DO BEERS grades.

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A 21-year-old had the audacity to tell me he was hungover. I made a joke that if his liver was a tire, it’d still have the knobbly rubber hairs on it. It was a good joke. Shame I never got to share it with the internet. Where are we? Been awhile, my bad.

4.6/10

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He’s on a float with boots on. His jeans are tucked in his boots. How did this SOB get on that dollar store float without getting soaked. I hate everything this guy stands for.

3.6/10

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This can showed up to The Maxx in a Camaro IROC. If you were born in 1986 and never met your father *spoiler alert* it’s him. Basically I’m trying to say THIS CAN FUCKS.

8.5/10

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Doing pic.twitter.com/eaYjpenAn8

— Mitchell Page (@MtchllPg) May 8, 2020

Amnesty hour. I don’t know how to use a French press. Is it for pouring coffee in your curds & whey like this lovable geeked out elephant wants me to think? Please tell me.

7.2/10

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pic.twitter.com/uFirVXED3z

— Jimmy Mac (@Whiskey__Jim) May 8, 2020

This is a can that accidentally gets packed in your lunch. I mean you can’t not drink it. It was right next to the Mello Yellow and you were tired. It’s fine. You’re thirsty.

4.6/10

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Remember Mad magazine had the pages that you fold left to right and match creases to reveal an often sinister hidden meaning? Those sucked. This can also sucks.

3.2/10

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did / doing / gonna do pic.twitter.com/bz3hLWyvRj

— sam ellis (@sam_dot_pdf) May 9, 2020

Hey Siri, show image of a can of beer that leaves you thinking “meh.”

4.3/10

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@korkedbeers Haze for daze. pic.twitter.com/T4Exf4zYNG

— Alex Solot (@Aisolot) May 9, 2020

Puns are always a risk and seldom pay out. This one did.

6.2/10

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I CAN NOT SEE THE CAN. I WILL NOT RATE YOUR FACE BECAUSE I ASSUME YOU ARE A NICE PERSON. DO BETTER.

NO RATING.

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Man this just looks like a bad decision.

2.2/10

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This can looks like it’s hiding spring-loaded snakes. This can sucks.

3.7/10

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I long for the day turtles rebel. Them cute suckers are built for battle.

5/10

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Give the pup a sip. Now.

5.2/10

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Willy Wonka called and told me to tell you that “you were doing an okay job. Just okay.”

5.8/10

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If I removed the Hallmark X Travel Chanel background, I can now see that this can kinda sucks.

4.2/10

(Background and caption withheld, of course)

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Looking like a pop can of orange biscuits. Nope.

3.6/10

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Meh. It’s a dead apple.

3.6/10

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This one makes me weep for the world. Pickles are good. Beer is great. Pickle beer is something I’m willing to blindly go to war against anyone who thinks this is a good idea.

-10/10

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SHAMELESS PLUG!

Be like this adorable babe… GET YOURS HERE!

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SHAMELESS PLUG 2!

Be like THIS beast of a man… GET YOURS HERE!

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NOTE: If your beer didn’t make it in this week, keep drinkin’ and keep tweetin’!

-grit

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FOLLOW:

Grit’s Twitter | Korked Beers Twitter | Korked Beers Instagram

The post WE DOIN’ BEERS?! appeared first on Korked Bats.

Remember in the pre-pandemic times of September when you did your own thing and passed the Fair Pay to Play Act going full Leroy Jenkins on the NCAA’s asses?

SOURCE – On Monday, California Governor Gavin Newsom signed the Fair Pay to Play Act into law. The bill permits college athletes in the state to hire agents and be paid for endorsements. For the first time, student athletes will be allowed to promote products and companies and financially benefit from their college sports activities. The legislation bypasses an National Collegiate Athletic Association’s (NCAA) ban on players receiving any compensation aside from scholarships. Current NCAA regulations disallow student athletes from executing any endorsement deals or accepting payment for the use of their images. The new California law, which is scheduled to go into effect in 2023, would now allow them to reap the financial rewards for their athletic abilities. It would also bar the NCAA from retaliating against the colleges and student athletes.

The NCAA has a lot at stake. The organization realized over $1 billion in revenue and profits of about $27 million in 2018. The NCAA—along with college sports conferences—are fighting this law, arguing that it will bring chaos to college sports and “and make unattainable the goal of providing a fair and level playing field,” according to an NCAA statement. Sports economist Andy Schwarz, a supporter of the California law, asserts that college sports are already uneven and “the belief that talent is fairly evenly distributed across the country is blatantly false.” 

The NCAA wouldn’t have been able to continue in that current (however shitty) system. One state decides their players get paid while others do not? Who all else accepts it? How would have the NCAA punished other schools to not comply?

SOURCE – The NCAA is ratcheting up its opposition to a California bill that would allow college athletes in the state to earn compensation for the use of their own name, image or likeness, beginning in 2023.

In a letter to the chairs of two State Assembly committees last week, NCAA President Mark Emmert implied that if the bill becomes law as it is written, California schools could face the prospect of being prohibited from participating in NCAA championships. That includes 23 NCAA Division I schools, four of which are in the Pac-12 Conference.

The bill was passed with that opposition on the table. You were willing to turn yourself into the AAF and gamble that you would still get the same exposure with seasons filled with exhibition games. You were going to go full Peter Griffin. Never go full Peter Griffin.

The NCAA then chose to move forward seeing the calamity that gamble would cause, and enacted theirs to take place two years before your bill.

SOURCE – At its meeting this week, the Board of Governors supported rule changes to allow student-athletes to receive compensation for third-party endorsements both related to and separate from athletics. It also supports compensation for other student-athlete opportunities, such as social media, businesses they have started and personal appearances within the guiding principles originally outlined by the board in October.

While student-athletes would be permitted to identify themselves by sport and school, the use of conference and school logos, trademarks or other involvement would not be allowed. The board emphasized that at no point should a university or college pay student-athletes for name, image and likeness activities

Everyone got what they wanted and the problem is dissolved, correct? No. Now reports are coming out that you are canceling “nearly all in-person classes” through the fall semester.

I am doing my best to not be “I Need Football Guy,” but dammit I need football. America needs football. The players need football. Do what you have to do. Scan temps. Isolate the players. Collegiate athletes are connected to teams of doctors, much more than the typical person. Empty the stadiums if need be. Find a way. We need football.

Quit being weird, California. If you hold a grudge against the NCAA, don’t fight it out in front of the kids. Come to the table. Imagine the transfer portal if you shut the season down?

We live in COVID times now. We live in fear. Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. That is COVID; COVID is fear. Fear always exists. Do not allow the fear to win. Do the right thing.

-grit

The post An Open Letter to California appeared first on Korked Bats.

In this no sport hellscape, folks are finding new ways to torture themselves. This is a level I am not man enough to endure.

Imagine nurturing the demise of your colon like it’s a Tamagotchi. You water it. You give it proper sunlight. You give it a little Miracle Grow every other Sunday. You sing a little Bing Crosby to it because no one is judging you anymore and you heard it helps grow a healthier plant.

All the while it sits in silence. Waiting. Biding it’s time until it matures enough to serve its purpose. Its purpose is to kill. It was designed in a lab to torture.

This is some level six masochistic behavior. This is the long game. I will be along for the ride, from a safe distance, preferably upwind.

Godspeed.

-grit

The post To Reap or to Sow? The @actioncookbook Chronicles appeared first on Korked Bats.

Each week, grit makes a call to do beers. This is a recap of some of the beers sent into us. If you don’t see your beer here, follow @GRITknox  and  @KorkedBeers on Twitter and next time there’s a call to do beers, send us pics of your beers, and then DO BEERS.

We’re building the Internet’s (and social distancing’s) biggest and best bar each weekend. Join us and let’s do beers!

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If you get drunk enough, the colors line up. I don’t appreciate your trickeration, Pep Talk….

4.2/10

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Cheers pic.twitter.com/UTXI4tUYlr

— Mitchell Page (@MtchllPg) April 17, 2020

Somewhere in the history of New Orleans there is a second line musical milk man. This is his story.

5.4/10

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pic.twitter.com/NXuUq1Q49v

— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 17, 2020

I fell asleep looking at this can. That’s the only reason they put coffee in it.

2.6/10

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I like Deftones. I like beer. I like this can. Don’t know how I feel about a burping beaver being the delivery device as I ingest all three.

Still 6.4/10

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pic.twitter.com/dAQ0nrN0DG

— JRS (@ShadowVFL) April 17, 2020

Rikki-Tikki-Tavi was the first book I argued about. Lil’ second grade grit with a rat-tail fighting with some dumb dummy about good vs evil. Simpler times. Also, do better. This looks like when Alvin got in Dave’s medicine cabinet and housed all of his adderall.

5.2/10

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Fresh cut and a cripsy boi pic.twitter.com/t5BZYIwczg

— Fast Nasty (@fastnasty) April 17, 2020

See it’s cute, because the apples dead.

4.3/10

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pic.twitter.com/sbaUDZrVY1

— Ryan Jones (@_JonesRyan) April 17, 2020

Gonna ignore the can here and speak on the beauty of the beer fridge. That fridge has no concern for your leftover casseroles. That fridge has never had milk spilled in it. That fridge is an isolated island from the chaos of life. If you are reading this, give your beer fridge a boop for me.

One boop for beer fridge

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On it pic.twitter.com/qo1y4sq2gV

— Chris (@concretevol) April 17, 2020

My eyes hurt. No. Stop.

2.6/10

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You’ve been here before, good lookin’.

Whatever my last ranking was add 1/2 a point.

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@korkedbeers @pikespeakbeer Pike the golden says we’re doin beers! ? pic.twitter.com/9LEkaWmp0n

— Shanna Marie (@ShannaMoquin) April 18, 2020

I can’t stop looking at the goodest of bois. Give him beer boops.

5.2/10

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A fine can. A classic can.

7.2/10

Also, to answer the question…

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Meh. The more I see it, the less I like it.

4.2/10

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Looking like one hell of a good time. So far, it’s my favorite.

8.1/10

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Legalize creative cans.

5.8/10

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Gimme three of these and I’ll philosophize my ass off. That’s a word. Don’t look it up.

6.4/10

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Beers and westerns pic.twitter.com/NbK3HsXf2Y

— Ben Clayton (@BfClayt) April 18, 2020

Rarely does one side of the can tell the full story. Thank you for doing these beers.

6.6/10

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You thought about it. You did it. That’s the important thing. That can on the other hand is, how do the kids say, butt.

2.4/10

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We are almost out of the shelter in place. Keep doing beers with us here and stay safe.

-grit

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FOLLOW:

Grit’s Twitter | Korked Beers Twitter | Korked Beers Instagram

The post WE DOIN’ BEERS?! appeared first on Korked Bats.