BALTIMORE — NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced earlier today that free agent running back Ray Rice has been suspended 16 games for a tweet Rice sent out late Friday night admitting to obvious domestic violence.

The tweet in question is this one, which Goodell states is a blatant NFL rules violation:

“The proverbial black eye that our league has received on my watch must not continue,” Goodell said. “Mr. Rice is on the forefront of what we are trying to eliminate, and him bragging about domestic violence in a fast food restaurant is just too much for our league to tolerate.”

Rice’s spokesman Carl Janson claims the league, especially commissioner Goodell, are seriously overreacting to the tweet. “I firmly believe that the league is just trying to stop the flooding of negative press, especially with the backlash over the Deflategate scandal. Ray only beat his wife in a game of checkers, not the fast food joint. Ray and his wife have never even been to a Checkers. bet 365 In fact, I don’t know of anyone who has been to a Checkers.”

Checkers Restaurant, which operates 14 stores in the state of Maryland, said that the NFL has already contacted them about the surveillance video featuring Mr. and Mrs. Rice. “We have no idea what they are talking about,” said Checkers CEO Hamilton Frieze. “There is no footage of Ray Rice or any Baltimore Raven in any of our restaurants.” Frieze also stated that Goodell has been snooping around in disguise asking employees what went down. تنزيل لعبة روليت “Mr Goodell showed up Saturday afternoon in a fake mustache using a British accent asking if the fight was on their cell phones. العب روليت اون لاين ”

Janson went on to add that the Rice family was having a family night of board games in which Ray was dominating, including the game checkers as stated in the tweet.  “Ray was just talking a little trash publicly about his dominance that night, nothing malicious happened.”

Just to be safe, the Baltimore Ravens have even issued a statement claiming Janay Rice “deeply regrets the role she played in the incident that night.”

When told that the tweet was about the game checkers and not the fast food chain, Goodell seemed confused, but was still planning on upholding the suspension. “If I revoked the suspension over a clear misunderstanding, it would come across like I know what I’m doing, which I clearly don’t,” Goodell told reporters.

Ray Rice could not be reached for comment, but his publicist did admit Rice celebrated his checkers victory by punching his wife.

The post Roger Goodell Suspends Ray Rice Again, Just To Be Safe appeared first on Korked Bats.

BOSTON — In the wake of the yearly mass exodus of college basketball’s elite freshman, the nation’s top coaches scramble to fill their ever changing rosters by any means necessary.  Enter the 12th Man Camp, or “Scrub City” as it’s known by all the cooler and more popular kids.

The 12th Man Camp is a camp designed for the lesser, or zero-talented, hopefuls to show their stuff to the elite, and not so elite, NCAA schools looking for enough players for a good practice. The kids, who are all 0 or 1 star “athletes” (read: white guys), participate in a slew of 12th man activities, including awkward celebrations, handing towels to starters, standing at the back of the team huddle, and uncoordinated high fives.

“We are just happy that these kids, who first heard of basketball from watching High School Musical on repeat, get a chance to gain a spot at the end of a bench,” said camp organizer Willy Shelton. “These schools, mostly those who whiffed on the 5-star guys, are getting a great group of 12th men.” Shelton also added that these kids also might get to start one day, as soon as pigs fly.

Butler High School senior Tyler Drew said he was excited about the opportunity. “This is a real below-the-rim group, we are lauded more for our GPA than our PPG or ERA.” Drew was quickly reminded that ERA is a baseball stat.

Drew went on to say that there is a lot of focus on the players’ sideline celebrations. “I’ve been practicing my air guitar and my invisible bowl of cereal routine,” Drew said. “I’ve even come up with an invisible tweet thing, where I basically pretend I’m tweeting when the other team air balls.”

Most of the camp participants won’t receive athletic scholarships, but they will have the chance at a preferred walk-on spot. “I lose 6 kids every year,” Kentucky Wildcats head coach John Calipari said. “It’s nice to get kids that you know won’t leave. Guys who will never play, but still make you laugh along the way.”

The camp will run through the end of May at the Boston YMCA, or until all the kids are chosen or picked up by their parents.

The post Camp For College Basketball Scrubs Garners The Attention It Doesn’t Really Deserve appeared first on Korked Bats.

It’s that time of year. Time to shoot off the gun, signifying the start of America’s longest marathon, baseball season. Yes, baseball season is long. In fact, the only thing longer than baseball season isthe intro to House of Cards. However, it provides great excitement throughout. Unless you’re a Marlins fan. But why wait until October to figure out how your team will do? We have all of your 2014 MLB Predictions right here.

The American League East provides us with some of the best baseball you will ever see every single year. Now you are probably saying, “But aren’t the Blue Jays in the AL East?” And to that we respond: no one watches Blue Jays games, and we said the AL East provides some of the best baseball you will ever see. So, there.

American League East Standings Prediction

1) Boston Red Sox (97-65) Division Winner

2) New York Yankees (95-67) Wild Card

3) Tampa Bay Rays (88-74)

4) Baltimore Orioles (84-78)

5) Toronto Blue Jays (0-162, eh)

• • •

After winning their 3rd World Series in the last 900 years the Red Sox will rely on Mike Napoli, Dustin Pedroa, David Ortiz, and a dozen nameless bearded men to propel them back to the October Classic. The Sox will also keep Neil Diamond somewhat relevant by blaring out his hit “Sweet Caroline” at every home game for thousands of drunk Bean Towners to sing along with terribly.

• • •

2013 saw the Bronx Bombers have more injuries than wins, which prompted owner Hal Steinbrenner to go out and spend $4.5 billion for players from the 1996 NL All Star team. The Yankees will also try to get Derek Jeter his 6th World Series ring in his final year (as if he needed anything else). The Yankees will need a strong showing from the team trainers, A-Rod’s lawyers, and Dr James Andrews if they want to still have a team come October.

• • •

The 2013 Tampa Bay Rays finished strong and earned a wild card berth due to the great play of what’s his name, that one guy, old dude with the weird tooth, and AL Rookie Of The Year Wil Myers. The Joe Madden-led  Rays will win a lot of games, somehow, but their main 2014 goal should be looking to relocate to a city that has an actual Major League stadium and a fan base.

• • •

Orioles skipper Buck Showalter will hang his hopes on a bunch of young talent that you’ve probably never heard of because they play in Baltimore. The Orioles will try to stay just above .500 in 2014 to preserve Showalter’s job, which will save us all from his return to Baseball Tonight and ensure their young talent doesn’t end up playing for the Yankees next season.

• • •

The 2013 Blue Jays tried to play with the big boys in the off season and got burned terribly, mostly by the acquisition of R.A. Dickey. Dickey, who won the 2012 NL Cy Young Award with the Mets, was traded to the Blue Jays for prospects and turned out to be the baseball equivalent of magic beans. Other player signings, such as Mark Buehrle and Melky Cabrera, further prove that our maple syrup loving friends from the north just want players who might sound familiar to their 500 fans. This season will find the Blue Jays extending their playoff-less streak to 21 years. That’s right, the last Blue Jays pennant can now legally drink beer.

• • •

The American League Central should be filled with surprising baseball during the 2014 season, but it probably won’t be because it still has the Royals, White Sox, and Twins.

American League Central Standings Prediction

1) Cleveland Indians (98-64) Division Winner

2) Detroit Tigers (94-68) Wild Card

3) Kansas City Royals (83-79) Miss Out On The Playoffs, Again

4) Chicago White Sox (82-80)

5) Minnesota Twins (80-82)

• • •

The Cleveland Indians managed to make the playoffs during the 2013 season, their first trip since 2007, largely in part to post-PED Jason Giambi’s stellar .183 average and 9 home runs.  The Tribe will hitch their wagon to starting pitcher Justin Masterson and slugger Nick Swisher in hopes that the 2014 season doesn’t look like another crappy Major League sequel.

• • •

2013 saw the Tigers win the AL Central and then lose in the ALCS, then lose skipper Jim Leyland, then lose slugger Prince Fielder. While the Fielder trade saves the team thousands on craft services, it also eliminates an important bat from their lineup. The 2014 Tigers will rely heavily on Miguel Cabrera, Max Scherzer, and the managerial skills of Brad Ausmus, yes that Brad Ausmus, if they’re going to lose in the playoffs again.

• • •

The 2013 Royals made great strides to achieve mediocrity and keep their playoff-less streak going at 28 years and counting. The boys from Kansas City rode the talents of Billy Butler, Alex Gordon, and James Shields. They hope that 2014 will bring another year of above .500 ball and watching better teams than them in the postseason. At least their hosting of the 2012 All-Star Game was something good to remember from the past 28 years.

• • •

The 2013 Chicago White Sox held the distinction of having more credible talent on their coaching staff than on their active roster, and 2014 won’t be any different for Chicago’s south siders. The huge strike-out prone bat of Adam Dunn and the legit closer prowess of Addison Reed will be huge for the 2014 Sox, unless manager Robin Ventura decides to un-retire and convince hitting coach Harold Baines and newly appointed special advisor Jim Thome to relive their White Sox glory days.

• • •

Only 3 wins kept the 2013 Twins from sharing the AL Central cellar with the White Sox, and that credit goes to the reliable bat of Joe Mauer. To show how bad things were for the Twins during the 2013 season, their team leader in RBIs was Justin Morneau with 74, and he was traded to the Pirates on August 31st. Their leader in wins was Kevin Corria with 9. Not 9 complete games, but 9 wins total. Their leader in AVG, OBP, and hits was Joe Mauer, who only appeared in 113 games. While the  Twins have decided to move Mauer to 1st base for the 2014 season to protect his health, they have no plans to protect their fans’ health from what they plan to field this season.

• • •

There are good teams. There are bad teams. Then there’s 50 feet of crap. And then there’s the AL West. The West is that division that nobody really cares about. It is filled with teams that don’t really have any actual existing fans. The AL West also hasn’t won a World Series since George W. Bush’s 1st administration. You could say that the western division of the American League is the appendix of baseball. It’s there but not necessary.

American League West Standings Prediction

1) Oakland Athletics (97-65) Division Winner

2) Seattle Mariners (94-68)

3) Texas Rangers (90-72)

4) Anaheim Angels (84-78)

5) Houston Astros (LOL)

• • •

The 2013 A’s had a solid ride that led straight to another postseason defeat at the hands of [Team Name Here]. We predict that the 2014 A’s will repeat as the AL West sacrificial postseason lamb partly on their solid core of young pitching arms, steady reliable bats, and the sure fire fun that the movie Moneyball offered us.

• • •

The Mariners may be the only AL West team that will have a sellout this season due to Seahawk fans not having any other venue to be loud at in the off-season. The 2014 version of the Mariners will see a jump in wins due to the signing of perennial MVP candidate Robinson Cano, but will find themselves looking on the outside of the postseason because Cano can’t play all 9 positions at the same time.

• • •

The 2013 Rangers saw their streak of postseason appearances end at 3, which to some teams would be enough to try and make changes to reach the postseason again, but not the Rangers, who let their big name bat Ian Kinsler slip away to Detroit while brining in the jersey busting girth of Prince Fielder. 2014 should see these boys from Arlington watch as other teams have fun while they help Fielder pick bacon bits out of his goatee.

• • •

The Los Angeles Angles of Anaheim of 2013 should have been better than they were, considering their lineup consisted of a who’s who of overpriced and underplayed players. Their lineup is like an episode of The Price Is Right if everyone won everything. There are high hopes for the Angels in 2014 due in large part to Mike Trout, whose stellar bat and fielding remind everyone of a young Josh Hamilton. Not to be mistake for the old Josh Hamilton, who the Angels signed to take up space on the team’s disabled list.

• • •

At first glance we thought the 2013 Astros had put their team in the witness protection program because we couldn’t recognize any of the names, but we soon realized that the 2013 Astros were actually real-life players. The 2014 Astros will continue to trudge through baseball futility, hopeful of the day that MLB will shorten the season to 10 games so they won’t feel bad for wasting everyone’s time.

• • •

Click here to read our National League Preview

• • •

This post was created by Joe. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @JoeShowShow

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Korked Bats’ MLB Preview: American League appeared first on Korked Bats.

It’s that time of year. Time to shoot off the gun, signifying the start of America’s longest marathon, baseball season. Yes, baseball season is long. In fact, the only thing longer than baseball season is the intro to House of Cards. However, it provides great excitement throughout. Unless you’re a Marlins fan. But why wait until October to figure out how your team will do? We have all of your 2014 MLB Predictions right here.

The NL East has, for years, essentially been the Atlanta Braves Invitational due to the fact that they have won the NL East for what has felt like 290 straight years, except for the occasional Mets appearance and those 2 times the Marlins bought a World Series.

National League East Standings Prediction

1) Atlanta Braves (100-62) Division Winner

2) Philadelphia Phillies (90-72) Wild Card

3) Washington Nationals (87-75)

4) New York Mets (82-80)

5) Miami Marlins (3-159)

• • •

The Braves are still the class of the east, even if they took a tumble in the 2013 postseason against the Dodgers. There is proof that they clone their pitchers out of old DNA from the dugout, which pretty much sums up that the Braves aren’t human. Good luck fighting that NL East.

• • •

The 2013 Phillies were bogged down with bad pitching, injuries, Chase Utley’s hair, and Ryan Howard’s busy Subway commercial schedule. What should Philadelphia expect in 2014? Not a whole lot other than they won’t be as injured and new manager Ryne Sandberg, who is a Hall of Famer, is at least worth 20 more wins.

• • •

The Nationals seem content on just being competitive, proving that fact with their 2nd place finish last season in the East. While there wasn’t a playoff spot for them, it wouldn’t have mattered. Chances are the Nats would have shut down their best players and relied on random fans to finish out the season.

• • •

One would think that the Mets would have been good in 2013 after trading away their Cy Young Award Winner R.A. Dickey, but they somehow didn’t win the World Series? Weird. 2014 shouldn’t be any different for New York’s “other team,” unless of course every team on their schedule starts Bill Buckner at first base.

• • •

The Marlins can’t seem to win unless they spend money, unfortunately for Miami they only spend money on things like ugly stadiums, weird looking jerseys, and not enough talent to surround Giancarlo or Mike Stanton, or whatever he wants to be called this year. Fortunately for the Marlins, the Cubs and Astros still exist to keep them from being the laughing stock of baseball.

• • •

The NL Central is essentially a 3 team race between the Cardinals, Reds, and Pirates. Rumor has it that Commissioner Bud Selig is wanting to make a rule that makes losses to the Cubs only count 1/2 of a game since they aren’t a real baseball team anyways.

National League Central Standings Prediction

1) St. Louis Cardinals (101-61) Division Winner

2) Cincinnati Reds (98-64) Wild Card

3) Pittsburgh Pirates (88-74)

4) Milwaukee Brewers (79-83)

5) Chicago Cubs (What’s the point anymore?)

• • •

The Cardinals always seem to have the right players making the right plays at the right time, which brings about a very important question; Do the MLB big-wigs allow the Cardinals to cheat? The answer is yes, and 2014 will prove our point when the Cardinals cheat to win over 100 games and cheat to another World Series. Looking at you, Jhonny Peralta.

• • •

Only the Reds would part ways with the manager that had led them to their most successful run since Lou Pinella and bring in a guy who we’ve never heard of. The Reds still have a ton of talent to win games, but the season will still end in the usual way, a postseason loss followed by Cincinnati fans crying until the Bengals season starts. And then after the Bengals’ postseason loss, Cincinnati fans crying until the Reds season starts.

• • •

We would have picked the Pirates to win the division, but they like to take 20 year breaks in between postseason appearances. The 2013 Pirates snuck up on everyone and won a ton of games, in 2014 they have a better chance of sneaking up on the Pittsburgh Penguins. Still there is hope… no, no there isn’t. But hey, we’re calling it now, “Pittsburgh Pirates, 2034 NL Central Champs!”

• • •

The 2013 Brewers saw their best player, Ryan Braun, suspended for the season due to PEDs. The 2014 Brew Crew will see the same thing because Braun is stupid and didn’t learn his lesson. There isn’t much to look forward to if you’re a Brewers fan this season, but that’s nothing new. Hey, at least the Cubs will be worse, right?

• • •

Bleak. Don’t get your hopes up.

• • •

The NL West is that division where, if any of the 4 teams besides the Rockies won it, you really wouldn’t be surprised. Odds on favorite though is the Dodgers, who have taken on the role of “Yankees Of The West” for their excessive spending. Don’t be shocked to see the Rockies there at the end of the year though, because they kinda have to finish out the season. It’s the rules.

National League West Standings Prediction

1) Los Angeles Dodgers (160-2, according to the media) Division Winner

2) San Diego Padres (88-74)

3) Arizona Diamondbacks (84-78)

4) San Francisco Giants (81-81)

5) Colorado Rockies (How ’bout them Broncos?!)

• • •

The Dodgers just barely missed a chance at the World Series last year, but you wouldn’t have known the way Yasiel Puig celebrated like it was 1999 all throughout the off-season and into the spring. Los Angeles hopes Puig doesn’t wear himself out too much and helps give the Dodgers a legit chance at the series again. *hits ball in the gap* *bat flip* *fist pump* *double peace signs in the air* *Cha-Cha slide* *confusion as what to do during the “Charlie Brown” part of the Cha-Cha slide* *spin* *splits* *moonwalk* *safe at first*

• • •

We honestly don’t think the Padres will do much this season, but we just want the fans of San Diego to at least have something to cheer about. (Read: We need to improve our website’s San Diego traffic.) Maybe Tony Gwynn will come back from the dead and play… wait, what? Ok, so I just found out that Tony Gwynn is alive! Well, there’s something to cheer about, Padre fans!

• • •

We can’t really comment much on the Diamondbacks because we really don’t know any of their players. There may be a guy named Bloomquist who is decent, and some pitcher named Phil or Steve. Who knows? We do know that the limping guy from the 1988 World Series is their pitching coach or manager. We really should’ve Googled them before writing this.

• • •

The Giants always find a way to slither into the postseason and win, mostly due to their pitching, but all of that changes this year. “Why?” you ask. Wishful thinking. We don’t hate the Giants, it’s just hard to look at Bruce Bochy and his weird eyebrows. Plus, Hunter Pence always looks like he wants to kill you.

• • •

The Rockies have one thing going for them, they will almost certainly surpass the 2013 Broncos win total of 13, and that’s something to be proud of. The bad thing is that it will probably take the Rockies until mid May to do so. This team just isn’t that good at the MLB level, but they might be able to dominate some Little League games, Danny Almonte style, if they want to boost their moral. So keep that chin up, slugger!

• • •

Click here to read our American League Preview

• • •

This post was created by Joe. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @JoeShowShow

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Korked Bats’ MLB Preview: National League appeared first on Korked Bats.

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BOSTON — All-Pro Patriots quarterback and fashionista Tom Brady announced today that he hosting a Non-Super Bowl Party at his home on Super Bowl Sunday.

Brady, who has already stated publicly that he will not be watching the NFL’s biggest game of the year, has already begun mailing out his party invitations wrapped in twine and laced with a rustic-looking fabric. It’s a lavish invitation stemmed from an idea Brady claims to have gotten “off of Pinterest.” The invitations include strict rules of no football talk and a reminder to bring your favorite covered dish.

“Gisele and I are excited to throw this lil’ shindig for our friends,” Brady said while flat-ironing his hair. “We’re going to have good food, awesome games, and we are gonna watch the first three seasons of ‘Sex & The City’ that I just got on DVD!”

The invitation also includes a list of party games and activities could potentially happen throughout the night, like MASH, Twister, and maybe even a pillow fight if things get “totes silly.”

Patriots head coach Bill Belichik claimed he was given no choice but to attend. “I tried to get out of it, but Tom said he would hold his breath until I said yes, plus he said there would be Yoo-Hoo. I absolutely love Yoo-Hoo,” Belichick said with no emotion.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft claimed he was also guilted into attending after he lost Wes Welker last off-season. “Tom said I owed him for ‘making his BFF go away.’ He then laid on the floor of my office and threw a tantrum. What was I to do?”

When asked how many attendees he expects at his party, Brady said he expects at least a million people. This prompted his wife Gisele to add that she and Tom sent out around a dozen invitations. “Tommy went through about 20 packs of construction paper,” Gisele said. “He even made little RSVP cards, it was so adorable.”

Gisele also revealed that she is planning an alternate party just in case Tom’s party fails. “I don’t think Tommy realizes that it’s probably going to be just Coach Belichick, Mr. Kraft, and myself. So, I planned a little something just in case he gets upset.”

Upon hearing his wife’s alternate plan, Brady ran to his room, slammed the door, stomped around, and demanded ice cream and a new pair of Uggs or he wasn’t coming to the party. But not the Classic Short UGGs. Brady demanded the new chestnut colored Bailey Button Triplet UGGs.

Super Bowl XLVIII, and Tom Brady’s lame party, will be February 2nd at 6:30, with the Seattle Seahawks facing Tom’s BFF Wes Welker and the Denver Broncos.

• • •

This post was created by Joe. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @JoeShowShow

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Tom Brady To Host A Non-Super Bowl Party This Year appeared first on Korked Bats.

TUSCALOOSA , AL — Following their defeat at the hands of the Oklahoma Sooners in the Sugar Bowl, the University of Alabama was left wondering how they were going to retain departing quarterback A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend Katherine Webb.

“It’s going to be tough trying to keep someone who is a universally-known hottie here in Alabama, but it’s imperative we keep her part of the Crimson Tide family,” Alabama head coach Nick Saban told reporters.

Going back in history, Katherine Webb is the first hottie to reside in the state since Reese Witherspoon stayed at a Birmingham hotel during the three-week filming of Sweet Home Alabama. “We ain’t seen the likes of someone that purty since then,” said a guy sitting outside of a Tuscaloosa gas station.

Webb became a staple of every Crimson Tide televised game, due to the fact that cameramen fixated on her in the crowd after every play. In fact, they filmed her so much, four current 2014 commitments thought she was the Alabama’s head coach, bringing a rise to their recruiting numbers. It was that appeal that made the university trustees take her impending departure very seriously.

“She is not only the face of our football program, but the face of the entire university, maybe even the whole state. Heck, she’s not even just the face. She’s the body too,” University of Alabama President Dr. Judy L. Bonner said. “I mean I’m into dudes and all, but daaaaaang, that’s one fine piece of as…” Bonner continued before being interrupted.

Alabama Athletic Director Bill Battle went on to admit they previously approached Miss Webb about dating other athletes on other team. “Our lower revenue programs always need exposure, and while I’m grateful she hooked up with [A.J.] McCarron, she could have spread that affection to the young men on our golf team or tennis teams.”

Katherine Webb has stated recently that her relationship with McCarron is “a strong bond of loving reciprocity,” but that she always keeps the door open for a “Tom Brady or Shermar Moore type” to sweep her out of Alabama and get her more Twitter followers, something McCarron may or may not do depending on how he fares at the upcoming NFL Draft.

President Bonner expressed the importance of Miss Webb’s staying, comparing her to a pin-up model that boosted the morale of soldiers overseas. “I know after our boys lost that heartbreaker to Auburn in the Iron Bowl and then in the Sugar Bowl against Oklahoma, they really needed to look up and see an Alabama fan that didn’t look like a Jeff Foxworthy punch line.” Bonner then pulled out a poster of Webb and whispered quietly to herself, “Hubba hubba.”

“We are currently working on an offer for Miss Webb that includes several incentives such as a personal trainer, hair and makeup teams, and all the Alabama swag she can handle,” Battle said. When asked how long the offer was for, Battle said it’s a 5-year-deal or until “Webb gets fat.”

• • •

This post was created by Joe. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @JoeShowShow

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Alabama Working On A Deal To Keep Katherine Webb appeared first on Korked Bats.

DENVER — All-Pro quarterback and forehead enthusiast Peyton Manning announced today that he will possibly miss the playoffs due to his busy work schedule at his part-time job, Papa John’s.

Manning claimed there wasn’t anyone willing to work his Downtown Denver store this Sunday afternoon. “It’s all part of being the boss I guess,” Manning told reporters. “People want their pizza and I have to do my job to feed those hungry folks.” Manning later added, “Plus, I can’t get ANYONE to cover my shift. Everyone wants to watch the Broncos game.”

Broncos Head Coach John Fox said the news is troubling, but not really shocking. “Peyton has had to miss a couple practices in the past due to his busy work schedule, or as we’ve been referring to it, his ‘high ankle sprain.’ But he’s never had to miss a game. All week he’s been saying, ‘Papa needs me!’ It’s a little weird. Seems almost like a pizza cult.”

Manning, who owns 21 Denver-based Papa John’s franchised stores, said he expects the Broncos to be just fine without him. “It may be just one game I miss, but who knows how busy we will be with this new Colorado marijuana law. I expect [backup quarterback] Brock Osweiler to pull us through.”

Manning has recently become the face of the pizza chain after “Papa” John Schnatter couldn’t stay sober during Louisville basketball’s championship run in March/April 2013.

Manning added that the Broncos’ franchise is built a lot like his Papa John’s franchises. In fact, the Broncos’ mantra this season is a play on the notable Papa John’s slogan, “Better Ingredients, Better Pizza.” Manning said, “All season we’ve built our team around the saying “Better Players, Better Team.” Unfortunately, we came up with this slogan after our front office signed Wes Welker. But from here on out, we’re sticking to it.”

“Papa” John Schnatter also released a statement to attempt to help ease the absence of Manning from future Broncos games. The statement read:

“To all the faithful Broncos fans, I want to extend a congratulations on the season you helped cheer Peyton and the boys through, and as a thank you, I’m offering 30% off your next purchase of a hot and cheesy Papa John’s pizza (if you order during the first half of the next Broncos game). Who knows? Maybe Peyton himself might deliver the pizza you order! Manning is not only an expert on game-winning drives, but pizza delivery drives too! This deal excludes all meat lovers and specialty pizzas. One deal available per household. Offer good only at participating Papa John’s stores. Void where prohibited. GO BRONCOS!

Better Ingredients, Better Pizza… Papa John’s!”

The Broncos host the San Diego Chargers in the AFC Divisional Round of the NFL Playoffs this Sunday.

• • •

This post was created by Joe. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @JoeShowShow

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post REPORT: Peyton Manning May Miss Playoffs Due To Work Schedule At Papa John’s appeared first on Korked Bats.

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Washington Redskins head coach Mike Shanahan decided this weekend to shut down Redskins fans for the remainder of the year.

“After we, I mean I, decided to sit Robert Griffin III for the year, I started to think about the health of our fans, and I decided they didn’t need to see anymore games of ours this season,” Mike Shanahan said from his tanning bed. “After talking to [Owner] Dan Snyder, it just made sense for morale to replay our three wins this season in lieu of our future losses.”

Robert Griffin III, who recently became the highest paid sandwich artist in Subway’s history, said, “I’m sure the 20-30 people who show up for our home games will be upset, but at least at they won’t see more terrible football from us this year.”Shanahan added that his decision is also backed up by medical statistics. “We have spoken to many doctors, and they concluded that it’s not a healthy activity for people to watch Redskins football for the rest of the year. Fans were being admitted to local hospitals for high blood pressures and severe optic injuries. Mainly from stabbing their eyes with forks.” Shanahan continued, “We are only thinking of what’s best for everyone next season.”

Team owner Dan Snyder stated the organization might show reruns of The Big Bang Theory or How I Met Your Mother during games to keep the players spirits up. “That Sheldon Cooper could brighten anyone’s day, and our team could use some sunshine right now,” Snyder said.

When asked why he doesn’t show the same concern for the entire team the way he does form Griffin III, head coach Mike Shanahan said, “I’m trying to preserve the players our fans know. If anyone can name someone other than RGIII on this team, I’ll gladly shut them down as well.”

Shortly after his press conference, Shanahan admitted to shutting himself down in week 4 of the 2013 season, but stated he stuck around to see if John Elway would reply to his requests to un-retire and sign with the Redskins for the rest of the season.

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NEW ORLEANS- Former All-Pro quarterback and genetic lottery winner Archie Manning announced that he and his family have put their youngest son, Eli Manning, up for adoption.

The elder Manning, who is also father of quarterback Peyton Manning, stated Eli’s performance this season was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

“He’s close to setting a new league record for interceptions.” Archie said. “[Eli’s] mom is even on board with this decision, and she hates to let anything go. I mean, we kept [our other son] Cooper!”

Eli Manning, who turns 33-years-old in January, wasn’t really shocked about the news. “This isn’t the first time my dad tried this,” said Eli. “The last time, I was 10, and I threw 26 interceptions in a pee wee football season, so I had to spend a week with the Steinberg’s down the street.”

New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin said in his press conference last week that the Giants organization has passed on becoming the Eli’s newest legal guardian. “I mean, Eli is a good kid and won us a couple Super Bowls, but that’s a huge commitment and we just aren’t ready to be a dad right now. At least not for him.”

“Hopefully we can wrap this up before Peyton starts the playoffs,” Archie added. “I don’t need my favorite kid to be distracted by Eli and his awful play anymore. This may be Peyton’s last chance for another title.”

When asked who he would like to be adopted by, Eli said it really doesn’t matter. “It would be cool to call Cam Newton dad, or maybe Aaron Rodgers, but I’m sure I’ll end up with some like Tom Brady, which is fine because at least I know he will never beat me.”

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