Not the worst guess in the world. Cubs were coined the loveable losers. The Phillies were just losers. I’ll give these dweebs that one.

…Or fans of college sports…pic.twitter.com/BYjNnF4lJ1

— Awful Announcing (@awfulannouncing) June 4, 2024

Transfer portal, you morons! Again, kinda hard for someone who hasn’t taken their noses out of 1600’s French Literature in the last five years as the portal is a fairly new concept in college athletics. But that’s not all!

…Or the NBA.pic.twitter.com/1FGdDhWv39

— Awful Announcing (@awfulannouncing) June 4, 2024

Durant?! That’s all you got? Woof. That’s brutal. And maybe slightly racist? People are asking. But damn. These folks are stupid! Now look, was this blog solely written to make fun of NERDS! Who’s to say really? But yes. Yes, it was. “Austin, it’s 2024. Bullying isn’t cool anymore.” And to that sentiment, I’d agree with, bully sucks. However, pretentiousness still is prevalent. Mostly among people with high IQ’s, who read more than three books a decade, and contestants on Jeopardy! You know every contestant on that show looks down at someone who doesn’t know the difference between mid-1700 renaissance painters or who assassinated Dr. Humphrey Boyle in Sweden in 1872. So, if I – as one of those people who doesn’t know the answers to those made-up questions I just came up with – have a chance to get one over on these geniuses, you bet your ass I’m gonna take it. So suck it, nerds! Read a book, once in a while. And by book, I mean sports almanac, you doofuses!

The post BREAKING NEWS: ‘Jeopardy!’ Contestants Still Don’t Know Anything About Sports appeared first on Korked Bats.

Which ones did we miss?

The post SIXER: The Top 6 Athletes With Vegas Names (Live from Vegas) appeared first on Korked Bats.

You probably only clicked on this link if you are an Phoenix sports fan. in which case, it was an angry click. So allow me to preface this by saying: I love the city of Phoenix. I have friends who live there. It’s a gem of a city. And I have no ill will toward Phoenix or any of their pro sports teams. I like the Cardinals (currently the best new uniforms in the NFL, IMO), I think the Suns are dope, I hold no disdain toward the Diamondbacks (except for the fact they once employed Randy Johnson), and I, like everyone in Phoenix, never think negatively of the Coyotes mainly because we never think about the Coyotes.

So just know this blog does not come from a dick-ish place. I just legitimately have to ask…

Do Phoenix sports fans exist?

Look, people are asking. Phoenix sports fans, to me, are a lot like Los Angeles sports fans with the only difference being that I understand why LA sports fans don’t always show up to sporting events. Have you ever been to Southern California?! There is so much to do. The beach, the mountains, the Madame Tussauds Celebrity Wax Museum on Hollywood Blvd. But when Phoenix fans don’t show to games, what are they doing? Playing golf? Hiking the hills in the desert? Not that Phoenix is a boring city, because it’s far from it. But there is no beach. There is no skiing mountains. And the temperature is usually hotter than Sam Hartman (or the people who live in Phoenix… hubba, hubba). If I was a Phoenix resident, sports would be my life. It allows you something other than real estate to invest in while getting you in an air-conditioned building. But for whatever reason, Phoenix fans continue to disappoint (aside from maybe Suns fans – shoutout Suns in four!)

And by that, I mean… what is this, D-Backs fans?

The Diamondbacks haven’t been to the NLCS since Britney Spears shaved her head, and yet you can get into this year’s NLCS for cheaper than a month of Netflix. THAT SHOULD NOT BE THE CASE, SILICON DESERT. You have an exciting young MLB team that completely dismantled the 100-win Dodgers. Tickets to watch NLCS baseball in The Valley of the Sun should not be cheaper than tickets to Killers of the Flower Moon. But it’s not just the Diamondbacks. When you pair that with the fact that every two weeks we get a headline about how the Coyotes are looking for a new arena it feels like their days in the desert feel numbered. In their entire season last year, they drew 188k fans in 41 home games. That’s fewer than one Indianapolis 500 for an entire season. They average 4,600 fans per game. That’s lower than most high school graduations. Look, I get that ice sports and climates where komodo dragons call home don’t really mix, but still. And the Cardinals… well, they haven’t allowed a whole lot to cheer for since 2015. So I’ll give a pass there. But look, Phoenix, you have a team in the NLCS, maybe create more of a demand where the ticket to get in costs more than the beer at the game.

UPDATE (after the start of NLCS Game 3): If I’m going to knock them for the get-in price, I have to give props when they show up. The crowd for Game 3 looks solid, especially for a day game in a weekday. Well done, Phoenix. I’ll eat my words for this game. With that said, if the D-Backs lose this game, please don’t fail to show up for Game 4.

The post Do Phoenix Sports Fans Exist? appeared first on Korked Bats.

SKIIIIIP!!!

And this all comes a week after Stephen A. had to bust out the nametag for his new employee.

Look, I get it. I call my cohost by my wife’s name all the time and vice versa. It’s awkward and difficult to overcome. Imagine if Shania did this in his last gig. Like if he referred to Trent Dilfer as John Elway. That would just be awkward for everyone. And insulting to Elway. Maybe they need to bust out a swear jar at the Worldwide Leader. Best way to drive a point home is through their wallet. So listen, Shane. Take it from me. Start charging yourself a dollar every time you say “Skip.” Consider it an FCC violation. Even if it’s said in passing, like “I skipped breakfast this morning.” That way, Shawn, you eliminate that word/name out of your entire vocabulary. Trust me, Shakira. It’s the method that works best. When I first started on the air here in Chicago, I had a plethora of verbal ticks that I had to overcome, so we set up a jar. And once you have to start paying up, that’s when you really put thought into it, and before you know it, it’s muscle memory. It works, undisputed.

I also find it funny how Sharon dropped the ball in a segment where they were discussing Kadarius Toney. SKIIIIIIIIIIP!!!

The post Shannon Sharpe Can’t Stop Calling Stephen A. “Skip” appeared first on Korked Bats.

This original take came in a throwaway line on The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz by Chris Wittyngham before he became Quittyngham. And I felt like I needed to expound upon this take (that I doubt he even considered to be a take, more than just an outward thought). If we at Korked Bats ever start a company softball team, you better believe we’re naming ourselves the Vampires. For two reasons: 1. more teams need to be named the Vampires (*Stugotz voice* “THE VAMPS!”). And 2. Bats is in our name, so I feel like it’s only fitting. But anyway, here’s my argument for the mythical parasitical creature becoming a lovable team mascot…

Hello, Lads. More teams need to be nicknamed the Vampires

Let me start my argument with a simple question: Where would you rather go to college? At a university referred to as a Cardinal, where their mascot is a dumb – and creepy AF – tree, or where the mascot is a bloodsucking Don Juan with a widow’s peak? At a school of higher learning, would you rather rah rah for a human with a buckeye for a head, or root root for a fair-skinned, fanged, Animorphable bat? Would you rather cheer for an ominous red blob from the hills of western Kentucky or pull for a monster so terrifying it was the main star of four Y.A. novels written by author Stephanie Meyer, and later adapted into five full-length feature films starring Robert Pattinson?! OH HELL YEAH, amirite?! Actually, don’t answer that because Big Red is a dope ass mascot. Whatever the hell it is. But still. Vampires are doper than 99. Plus, like Aubrey Plaza, Vampires are having a moment. You check the trailer for that new Nic Cage movie?

And if we want to talk about their place in current popular culture, well, sorry Bruce Wayne, but vampires were the original Batman. And technically Batman was originally a vampire.

Like how are we gifting professional franchises the team nickname of KRAKEN before VAMPIRES? And it’s not just hockey. What about the JAZZ or the BROWNS? THE FREAKIN BROWNS?! Hell, that franchise already sucks the life out of 70,000 fans every Sunday. The rebrand there would be perfect. Hell, if we should expect any league to make this jump, we should be pleading with the NBA. They change mascots all the time and have dumb ones like Wizards. So surely one of their franchise will drive a stake through their own heart and roll with the Vamps instead. Here, I went ahead and mocked up a logo for you.

Did I just recycle the 76ers dribbling Benny Frank logo? Ok, maybe. But this is just a concept. If you want a truly original logo, here’s another completely unique logo I just whipped up on a whim.

Look, all I’m saying is: Vampires. Professional, collegiate, or our own company softball mascot. Collision course. The funniest thing to do would be to make a Vampire the mascot of a team with a different team nickname. If the Titans mascot can be a damn raccoon or the Chiefs mascot can be a wolf who robs banks, I’m pretty sure the Steelers could trade in Steely McBeam for Vampy McScream. Braves? Your mascot is a… well, we don’t even know what the hell Bloopy is. So why not exchange him out for a Hell, Dolphins, you should make your costumed mascot a blood-thirsty beautillion. Why? Why the hell not? And speaking of hell. Art Briles.

Cheers, Witty.

The post More Teams Should Be Nicknamed The ‘Vampires’ appeared first on Korked Bats.

A beloved name in sporting goods will soon be no more. Eastbay, a company whose mail catalog became a favorite of sports fans across the country, will reportedly cease operations in 2023. According to Wisconsin Public Radio, 210 workers will be laid off as part of the closure in Wausau, Wis.—the same town where the company was founded in 1980. Evolving from a small regional venture into a nationwide powerhouse, Eastbay began selling its own line of clothing in 1990. The company offered jerseys, jackets and other paraphernalia in team colors, as well as an array of sneakers from Nike, Adidas, Converse and other companies.

via Sports Illustrated

Every year at Christmas time, I always feel a little older. I feel a little more of my childhood dying. It’s the sad reality of growing up. But that feeling was expedited even more this year with the news that Eastbay is closing at the end of the year.

Shot. To. The. Heart.

Now, admittedly, I did absolutely nothing to keep Eastbay alive. I’ve never once made a purchase from Eastbay, whether it be online or the more popular option, via their catalog. But you can bet your ass I read the hell out of that catalog every single time it came to my house. Cover to cover. Item to item. I read it more thoroughly than any book assigned in school. If we had to do book reports on the quarterly catalog, my grades would’ve been high enough to get me into Harvard. From the sports jerseys to the baseball equipment to the sneakers that were way too overpriced. At least according to my mom. So I may not have bought much, but man, did I browse. With Eastbay, I was the epitome of the customer in the mall who told retail workers, “No, thanks. I’m just looking.” And if just browsing could raise stock prices, I would’ve single-handedly turned Eastbay into GameStop.

The catalog was nothing more than a picture book to give me ideas for Christmas. I’d hang onto each catalog for months, circling the top gifts inside that I wanted. And circle I did. There was no modesty in the amount I circled. A Tracy McGrady Houston Rockets jersey? Why not? Sure, I have no connection to Houston and don’t even like the Rockets. But with that Eastbay catalog, anything was possible. The world was my oyster. A Derrick Lee Cubs jersey? I’d wear it! What about an Emmitt Smith Cardinals jersey? That’d be dope! Ya know why? Because it’s featured on the pages of an Eastbay catalog.

So to Eastbay, the Victoria’s Secret catalog for young boys, thank you for the many years of hope and capitalism. You were a real one. And now, a little more of my childhood is dead.

The post Eastbay Is Dead, RIP In Peace To A Real One appeared first on Korked Bats.

• Is Jeff Saturday the greatest coach in the history of the NFL? People are asking.

• It was nice to see the Titans have some explosive plays on offense today. Feels like it’s been forever since they’ve had big plays that didn’t involve AJ Brown or Derrick Henry. Hopefully, this is a sign of things to come. – P.S. Does Derrick Henry get an assist for the flea-flicker touchdown pass to Nick Westbrook-Ikhine?

• The Broncos deserve to lose every game they mix and match their suspender tops and bottoms.

The suspenders are supposed to be one color. Ed McCaffery did not die for this. He’s not dead. But the point remains. He did not die for this. It’s honestly a worse look than whatever Russ wore in his most recent Subway commercial.

• Justin Fields is so good.

• The Bears are not. (…yet. Just wait until next year.)

• This entire FTX story has me riveted. Even though I know very little about crypto and/or what any of these stories are saying. All I know is that this crash is somehow larger than Enron’s crash. But no joke, never have I ever been so fascinated by a story I know so little about.

• Remember when Josh Allen used to be the joke of the league? When we all used to joke about how he’ll never truly be great. Very Kirk Cousins-esque almost. He would constantly produce dumb turnovers. But then overnight, he had a glow-up, got hot, and now he’s arguably the best quarterback in the NFL, if not, definitely top 3. It’s like when that chick in overalls and glasses from She’s All That took off her overalls and glasses and became popular. But every so often, you’re reminded that just because they look hot, they’re still a nerd. That’s Josh Allen this year. He’s super hot, but every so often he’ll have a 1 TD, 4 turnover game or maybe lose 9-6 to the Jaguars to remind you that underneath it all, he’s still that nerd.

• I’d still take Josh Allen as my team’s quarterback any day of the week.

• If Nick Westbrook-Ikhine keeps up this production and upward trajectory, the Titans will trade him on draft night.

• No, but seriously. The Raiders need a come-to-Jesus meeting because if Jeff Saturday can walk off the GetUp set one week and beat Josh McDaniels the next, then that’s not a good sign for Josh McDaniels. He was literally tweeting the Raiders a couple of weeks ago, and now he’s beating their ass.

And now they’re making Derek Carr’s mascara run.

• Guess it’s time to raise the banner in Lucas Oil.

The post Weekend Notes: Jeff Saturday Is The New Vince Lombardi, The Broncos Fashion Faux Pa, & WTF FTX? appeared first on Korked Bats.

‣ We’ll be throwing up a Cuba Gooding Jr. GIF this week, because that Titans loss was rough, especially considering I went into the game expecting it to be a Bills game part deux, but after 3 quarters with the Titans leading, I was roped in. Somehow while missing their starting quarterback (who is 2-1 with a 94 QB rating against the Chiefs as a Titan), 2/3 of the starting wide receiver corps, and their second-best defensive back, the Titans still nearly won in overtime against the best offense in football. In fact, in their last two meetings, Derrick Henry has as many touchdown passes as Patrick Mahomes. That’s not a knock at Mahomes, that’s a damn flex on that Vrabel-led defense. Also, enjoy defensive coordinator Shane Bowen now, Titans fans. He’ll be head coaching elsewhere in the league next season. And we all know what it’s like to lose a talented coordinator to a head coaching vacancy. *gives side eye to Todd Downing*

‣ Also, this happened:

Imagine stopping someone in a bathroom to drop that nugget on someone. Why do I constantly have AWKWARD MOMENTS WITH TITANS FANS IN BATHROOMS?!

‣ Star Wars has announced the cast for their new series The Acolyte.

I used to consider myself a fairly big Star Wars fan, but the deeper we get into this universe, the more lost I am. Also, who is naming these series? Feels like they’re just making up words now. The Acolyte? What’s the next Star Wars series going to be? The Banydon? Maybe The Roshtonel? The Acolyte sounds like a medication for elderly people you’d see commercials for on TV. “Talk to your doctor about Acolyte today.”

‣ I still think it’s too early for Christmas music. Let Thanksgiving breathe.

‣ That was pass interference by the Dolphins on Chase Claypool late in the Bears game.

‣ But hey, at least Justin Fields.

‣ Josh Allen could be injured. Injured bad. (Shout out the “kicked in the penis” kid.) That sucks for the NFL. Josh Allen is fun to watch (mostly when he’s not beating your team 41-7), but I will never feel sorry for any NFL team for injuries after watching the Titans set a record for the most injured players in NFL history last season. Sorry, not sorry. (But also, I’m kinda sorry.)

‣ AJ Brown sure is turning heel and being a dick to a franchise that was there for him through some rough trials. It’s really a shame. No need to piss on the Titans’ wide receiver-less grave.

‣ Dave Denholm is the radio voice of LAFC. I love the guy. Super fun and funny and incredibly great at what he does. Enjoy his winning call of the freaking MLS Cup.

‣ Frank Reich is known for quarterbacking the biggest comeback in NFL history and now known for coaching the biggest fallback in NFL history. Not sure what happened to the Colts, but man is it fascinating to watch. Like a wreck on the side of the interstate. I don’t want to gawk too much, because it could very easily happen to me, but man is it wild to witness.

‣ In case Elon Musk is reading this, this website does contain some **PARODY.**

‣ Watched M. Knight Shyamalan’s OLD over the weekend. To me, M. Knight is the Marcus Mariota of directors. After early success in his career, I want for him so bad to be great again, but he keeps falling flat. But I will never stop rooting for him to find the greatness he once had.

The post Josh Allen’s Boo Boo, Frank Reich, & The Titans Loss – Here Are My Monday Thoughts & Notes appeared first on Korked Bats.

Yo, Philadelphia, what the hell?! Save some good sports for the rest of us.

Like seriously, WTF is going on?! All of a sudden, Philadelphia is the epicenter of sports. The Eagles are playing like they’re quarterbacked by Donovan McNabb and coached by Andy Reid. And the Phillies are back in the World Series like Chase Utley is manning second and the Flyin’ Hawaiian Shane Victorino is making plays in right. But even then, the Phillies and Eagles were never fully dominant at the same time like they are right now. And with the Phillies and Eagles, we should expect them to be great every couple of years. It’s the fact that even the Sixers and Flyers are adding to the mix that makes us all feel like that Jackie Chan meme.

Sure, the Sixers are currently 0-3 to start this season, but let’s be real. We all know they’re going to be a player in the east come playoff time. I mean, they won’t win the East because they employ James Harden and well, the process just doesn’t account for going that deep into the playoffs. But they’ll still be good.

But the real shocker is the damn Flyers. Where the hell did this 4-1-0 start come from? I mean, yeah, John Tortorella is ALWAYS a great hire. He’s like a meaner Barry Trotz. But how the hell is he making this big of an impact so immediately? And we’re a big Torts blog. Always have been. Even when he hated puppies.

The Flyers won 25 games ALL of last season, and this year, they’ve already won 4 out of 5. Did the city of Philadelphia sell their soul? Like can they just chill out for a minute? Choose one team to be good and let the rest be mediocre like just about every other major market in the country. Please? And I’m not just saying this for the rest of the country’s sake. I’m saying this for YOUR sake, Philadelphia. Because your city’s infrastructure won’t be able to withstand a Phillies World Series title and Eagles Super Bowl in the same calendar year. Seriously, the Liberty Bell will get another crack. Fans will eat more than just horse crap off the street. I care about you, Philadelphia. My mom is from Philly. I have a soft spot for the city. This doesn’t come from a place of malice. This comes from a place of love. From a place of Brotherly Love. Trust us. You do NOT want that to happen. You will not be able to handle it. Broad Street won’t be able to handle it. Hell, that one dude with the Philadelphia Phanatic tattooed around his belly button won’t be able to handle it. He will literally die. So do us all a favor and just chill out for a bit.

P.S. I will admit, this video is dope as hell.

The post Hey Philadelphia, Can You Guys Just Cool It For A Bit?! appeared first on Korked Bats.

The post Surf’s Up: Raiders Fans Popping Bottles, Auburn Stadium Fights, & Urban Meyer appeared first on Korked Bats.