QB: Aaron Rodgers – Green Bay Packers – @aaronrodgers12
Ok, so this player is also very good at football. But he makes our fantasy twitter team due to his two-tweet tandem of

“If u don’t have a sense of humor, or if u take urself too seriously, you probably shouldn’t follow me. I quote jack handy, heavyweights…” “…the princess bride, etc. Please dont try n give me lessons on politics, I’m not impressed.” Hundreds of people tweeted the SECOND HALF of his sentence. Nuff said.

RB1: Chris Johnson – Tennessee Titans – @ChrisJohnson28
Chris Johnson is more entertaining on twitter than he is on the field. That being said, he is also harder to figure out when online. Enjoy the following… stuff:

“What da lick read”
“I think I want twins”
“Who up”
and my favorite recent tweet that makes no sense: “Now make me take this polo off”

RB2: Ryan Grant – Green Bay Packers – @RyanGrant25
He’s hilarious, interacts with fans and keeps up with pop culture.

“I’m so mad that I had to find out that Tom Cruise won the lead role over me by seeing the M I-4 trailer.. They could have told me lol”

WR1: Chad Ochocinco – New England Patriots – @Ochocinco
The athlete who coined the idea of athletes on twitter, and recently voted the second most valuable twitter user on the PLANET (behind Rainn Wilson of The Office). Chad interacts and entertains. It is impossible to pick out one of his tweets to list. Recently he tweeted about wanting to fight Vincent Wilfork and Albert Haynesworth, who combined would be 9x Chad’s weight.

WR2: Stev(i)e Johnson – Buffalo Bills – @StevieJohnson13
You’ve got to hand it to a guy who switches his name from Steve to Stevie midway through his twenties. Follow Bills breakout receiver Stevie J on twitter so he will potentially stop blaming God for his dropped passes.

TE: Rob Gronkowski – New England Patriots – @RobGronkowski
One of the guys that Tom Brady makes look like an All-Pro is a hilarious follow. He tweets about partying in Arizona and spanking celebrities on their birthday. العاب اون لاين

“Hey @KateUpton Happy Birthday!! Can I give you a B day spanky?”

K: Josh Scobee- Jacksonville Jaguars – @JoshScobee10
On the list because he is a professional football player and has a profile picture of himself golfing. Even HE knows how lame kickers look with their silly uni-facemasks.

D/ST: Chris Kluwe, Punter – Minnesota Vikings – @ChrisWarcraft
I know a punter wouldn’t score me any points in a regular fantasy football league (yet), but Chris Kluwe challenges for funniest athlete on twitter. Well, at least when he’s not posting about World of Warcraft. A punter who plays World of Warcraft. It all makes so much sense.

“Time to play Deus Ex and pass out on my couch. Hooray!”

The post Fantasy Football All-Twitter Team appeared first on Korked Bats.

It is important to keep in mind that fantasy football is just that. Fantasy. What works in the real world of football, doesn’t necessarily fly in the fantasy world.

The good thing about fantasy football is you never have to actually watch a football game. You have a stake in every game, whether good or bad, so you can just sit and stare at FantasyTracker on your computer screen and scream nonsense like, “Holy crap I need Thomas Jones to get 7 more yards rushing or 10 receiving! This MUST happen!” Thanks for the update.

Two years ago, I instigated a thrilling fantasy football stampeded to the playoffs after trading away Peyton Manning and Andre Johnson for Larry Johnson, picked up players of the caliber of Kolby Smith and Tyler Thigpen, and proceeded to finish the fantasy football season with a team built up entirely of Kansas City Chiefs. The Chiefs finished their season 1-7, but my fantasy football team finished out the year 6-2 and I upset the #2 overall seed in round one of the playoffs. How? The 2008 Chiefs lost 7 of their last 8 games, but these losses came in around 35-33 each week. 33 points for a team spreads quite well around a single fantasy team. This is a loophole in fantasy football. Bad defense holds no weight to potent offense.

Note: I realized there are leagues with individual defensive players. This is ridiculous. If you are in a league with these rules, go ahead and ALT+TAB back over to your World of Warcraft game and quit reading this post. You need to get a life.

So let us proceed into my fantasy football preview. Fantasy to take prevalence. Football to take a backseat to strategy. We’ll go position by position. I’ll list my top two options with reasons, then round out the top five in list form.

Let’s get started.

• • •

Quarterback

(1) Aaron Rodgers – Green Bay Packers – Now I know a lot of people are going to argue that Drew Brees should be the top QB picked, or Peyton. And, yes, those are both viable options. I’m nearly 100% sure all three will start a majority of games for their respective teams. Rodgers, though, is the only of the QBs who is on the upswing of their career. Increased experience means he is only getting better year by year. That, mixed with the fact that I have already drafted Rodgers in one of my fantasy football leagues, creates the perfect storm.

(2) Brodie Croyle – Kansas City Chiefs – Though I’m not 100% sure of the logistics of every individual fantasy football rule, owning Croyle on your team wouldn’t hurt your chances of meeting his wife:

Rounding It Out:

(3) Drew Brees

(4) Peyton Manning

(5) Gandalf the White

• • •

Running Back

RB: (1) Adrian Peterson – Minnesota Vikings – I may end up being wrong here, but I really feel like Chris Johnson will overrun himself in his “quest for 2,500 yards,” leading to some sort of injury. Players tend to underwhelm in seasons following their most remarkable. The Vikes will be forced to lean a little bit harder on Peterson this year, whom I believe will overcome his fumbling woes and return to perfect form.

(2) 8-bit Bo – Oakland Raiders – Unstoppable, and a 99 yard per carry average. Bo Knows.

Rounding It Out:

(3) Chris Johnson

(4) Ray Rice

(5) Jamaal Charles

• • •

Wide Receiver

WR: (1) Andre Johnson – Houston Texans – I am up on the Texans all around this year, and actually think they could make a run towards the playoffs (sounds like preseason Texans talk from every year, though). The biggest reason being the ever-growing consistency of Matt Schaub, and the ability that Johnson brings to the table. Double or triple coverage can’t slow down Johnson, who is also a huge threat in the red zone with his height.

(2) Matt Barnes – Los Angeles Lakers – Not only can Barnes pass the ball, but he has the ability to catch his own passes, mere inches from where they left. Since his trade to the Lakers, he should flourish.

Rounding It Out:

(3) Randy Moss

(4) Lynn Swan

(5) Whoever Drew Brees likes that week.

• • •

Tight End

TE: (1) Zach Miller – Oakland Raiders – When I pick Tight Ends, I tend to pick whoever has a new/bad QB, since the TE is often times the backup plan for fledgling flingers. Jason Campbell often flees the pockets, and Miller will be his go-to

(2) Tony Gonzalez – Kansas City Chiefs – Wait, what? He’s still traded to the Falcons? Dang it!

Rounding It Out:

(3) Inception had a tight ending (pun!)

(4) I hate anyone for the Chargers

(5) Dustin Keller

• • •

Kickers and Defense

Ok, here is where people would normally cover kickers and defenses, but, seriously, kickers aren’t humans, and defenses are a position play for 90% of teams, picking a defense playing a weak QB or offense.

• • •

What I’m saying is: fantasy football is trash. It forces you to follow every game, a marketing (genius) ploy to peak your interest. That being said, I’m in two leagues, so let’s play!

-Kyle

The post Kyle’s Fantasy Football Preview appeared first on Korked Bats.

Leonard Davis

45 lbs. more than Brian Moorman & Samari Rolle

• Leonard is the only child of L.A. and Sammie Lee Davis, but has 21 half-brothers and half-sisters (L.A. had 11 children from a previous marriage, while Sammie Lee had 10 children from a previous marriage). I don’t know whats cooler, having 21 half siblings or a mom named L.A. & a dad named Sammie Davis.

• He won state championship in basketball in high school. How annoying would it be to have to guard a man of his size? Big Baby doesn’t have anything on Big Leonard.

• Davis is the bassist in the heavy metal band Free Reign with Cowboys’ teammates Marc Colombo and Cory Procter with guitarist Justin Chapman. Ummm, heavy metal?

• According to Forbes, Davis was the highest paid NFL player and 19th overall athlete in the 12 month period ending June 2007, earning $25.4 million. I guess the Cowboys must have wanted to compensate for his weekly quadruple digit grocery bills.

So if you have a time machine and can travel back in time to the day before Thanksgiving, do not start Leonard Davis. But don’t tell him because I’m fairly positive he’d spread you on some saltines and eat you.

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To be honest with you, I really could have chosen any Oakland Raider this week to feature for this week’s Korked Bats Who Not to Start. After passing on big name guys such as Rich Gannon, Marques Tuiasosopo, Lamont Jordan, and Jerry Rice, I decided to chose JaMarcus Russell after considering his 48 quarterback rating and 2:9 touchdown to interception ratio. I’m pretty sure I could throw Junior Floyd out there and get more favorable results.

If you haven’t picked up on the fact that the Raiders have a bye this week, they do. Don’t feel dumb though. You are just a normal person who doesn’t pay attention to this pathetic franchise. The unfortunate thing for the Raiders is that while they won’t have to battle an NFL team this week, they will instead be facing an even more frightening task by spending more time with this guy:

As if getting beat nearly every game they play and an owner that makes Freddie Kruger look like the Walmart rollback smiley face, now guys, like JaMarcus Russell, who are unfortunate enough to call themselves Oakland Raider’s players must live in constant fear that they could be beaten at any time by their own coach, Tom Cable.

After physically beating three women followed by breaking Raider’s assistant Randy Hanson’s jaw (with what I can only assume a roundhouse kick to the face) it’s only logical that JaMarcus Russell is next.

Even I get angry watching JaMarcus Russell attempt to be a quarterback, so I can’t imagine how Tom Cable with his John McEnroe-esque anger management skills hasn’t instgated a violent situation in Oakland.

So don’t start JaMarcus this week because he’s not playing, he’s terrible, he wears ugly sweaters, he’s on the Raiders, his past two coaches have been Lane Kiffin & Tom Cable, and he’s probably going to get beat up soon.

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I’m going have to go ahead and say choosing the subject of this week’s Who Not To Start was the easiest decision I’ve made in quite a while. Well, maybe not as easy as my decision not to join Jeff in his beard growing experiment. Poor guy.

Anyway, as most of us know by now, except maybe these guys, Larry Johnson had a week to forget this past week. After publicly bashing his coach on Twitter, he took it to a whole new level and bashed one of our own.

In an attempt to kick him while he’s down, I officially name Larry Johnson this week’s Korked Bats’ Who Not To Start recipient.

No one calls my man Jared gay and gets away with it. لعبة على الانترنت

When I first heard about the comments I was very surprised and questioned his motive. After thinking about it a while I came to the conclusion that maybe Larry Johnson was the gay one and was taking out his insecurity on an undeserving Korked Bats writer.

Then the following picture was presented to me (Trust me, its real. No Photoshopping was involved.):

I’m going to be honest. I didn’t get the Christopher Street reference Larry made in his tweet to Jared. I think the reason is that I’m not gay. But by the looks of the picture above, LJ knows the area quite well and will probably be spending some time there now that he’s suspended from the NFL.

If you are yet to be convinced, here are some other reasons why I think Larry Johnson is a gaybird:

• Seriously, just look at the picture at the top of this post.
• He wears diapers
• He hates women. He has been arrested 4 times since 2003 for various assault charges on women. (Including waving a gun, pushing a woman to the ground, pushing a woman’s head, and spitting in a woman’s face) If you’re going to be gay that’s fine. You just don’t have to be so anti-woman. طريقة لعب بوكر Just ask this guy.
• He wears purple bandanas around his neck and points at people. Look:

All these reasons, coupled with the fact that he’s not even playing (even if he was, his 2.7 yards per carry and zero touchdowns this season didn’t exactly qualify him as a fantasy stud to begin with) should be enough for you to not only not play him this week, but cut him from your team immediately.

And Larry, if you somehow read this and it offends you, you probably shouldn’t tweet about me. Roger Goodell won’t be happy with you.

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Who Not To Start – Week 4:

The McQuistan Brothers

I was bored recently and tried to find ugliest player in the NFL. Yea, I do cool things with my free time. Anyway, I came across one of these McQuistan brothers and nearly lost my lunch…

…from two days before.

I instantly became intrigued as to how anyone could desire to look THAT unsightly. As I searched for more on this man I discovered that there is TWO of them. Gross, gross, gross. What does their mother think? “Well, I gave birth to 2 NFL players…but they are the two most hideous things anyone who has had the misfortune of laying eyes on them has ever seen or even imagined.”

Aww, is someone making fun of you? Well look at yourself.

And the winner is…

Just when I thought you couldn’t get any uglier, I come across this image.

And so I urge all of you who are in fantasy leagues that incorporate offensive linemen to get out of that league immediately because that’s just stupid. If you can’t leave it and join a real league, make sure you don’t start either of these brothers this week…or ever.

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This week I highly recommend that you DO NOT start any member of the Cleveland Browns’ secondary. I know anyone with half a brain hasn’t started any Browns player since legendary quarterback, Tim Couch, left the team, however they’ve hit an all time low in team chemistry recently. As if giving up 61 points in their first 2 games wasn’t a good enough indication of their horribleness, a recent fight that included 4 members of the secondary should be enough of a red flag to not start any of them at all costs.

And listen how awkwardly it all went down…

From NFL.com:

After a spirited practice, the Cleveland Browns were still in a playful mood so they decided to pull a prank on one of their rookies.

Coye Francies didn’t care for the joke.

The first-year cornerback, incensed over being soaked with water by some of his teammates, threw a bucket of ice and at least one errant punch during a skirmish in the Browns’ locker room Friday.

As the Browns returned from practice, a dripping-wet Francies stormed into the locker room lugging a Gatorade bucket full of ice. Before he could be stopped, Francies tossed the ice on cornerback Brandon McDonald, hitting him with cubes that covered the floor.

At that point, it wasn’t clear if Francies was playing along and messing with McDonald.

Then, Francies’ mood, and the vibe in the room, turned more serious.

Francies flung some more ice in the direction of safety Mike Adams before heading toward safety Abram Elam‘s corner cubicle. With the bucket on the floor, Francies then swung his arms at Elam, who deflected the blows. Pro Bowl nose tackle Shaun Rogers then stepped in, grabbed Francies by the back of the shirt and escorted him out a side door as other players came to help.

“Calm down, man,” Rogers told Francies as he pushed him outside.

That’s got to be embarrassing for everyone involved. I know exactly how this feels. It reminds me of a time in 8th grade on a school trip to Washington D.C. when I woke up to find that fellow Korked Bats writer, Austin Huff, had drawn all over my face. I almost pulled a Coye Francies. I didn’t say a word but Austin still tells me to this day I made the scariest face I’ve ever made as I proceeded to jump on top of him and hold his arms down and pondered punching him. I then realized I was being ridiculous so I just kind of looked at him awkwardly. I don’t recommend the course of action I took.

Now, I don’t know if unnecessary overreaction of harmless pranks leads to poor fantasy performance the following game, but it certainly can’t help.

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This week I highly recommend that you DO NOT start Barney Gorman (side note: I hear he goes by Tony Danza now). I know what you’re thinking. “But he’s the Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon!” Oh how the mighty have fallen. I haven’t done the research, because I am a sane human being despite what I may come across as, but I’m pretty sure he hasn’t seen a snap since the Eagles signed David Akers in 1999. It’s a true shame for a guy who went from rags to riches after developing an abnormally strong leg after years of kicking the broken hydraulic lever on his…ah, who am I kidding? I’m giving you a plot summary as if you haven’t seen the movie. It’s like FernGully, everyone and their mother has seen it. Most of us multiple times.

I am so certain that Gorman won’t get you points this week that I chose him over this guy:

Now that’s saying something (9 picks in 2 games, wow). But, after countless hours of analyzing team rosters, injuries, match ups, and past fantasy performances, I felt that the injury to Donovan McNabb and lack of playing time over the last decade qualifies Barney Gorman as a poor fantasy start this week.

Also, if you are in the closing weeks of your Fantasy Baseball League, don’t start Mel Clark. I heard from a very reliable inside source that he doesn’t have much left and is actually going to die six months after the end of the season from lung cancer.

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