The Yankees lost their 14th game out of the last 18 last night, losing to the Red Sox in 10 innings, 5-3, but somehow they still brought home a dub. One of the greatest MLB franchises ever just dropped a bobblehead honoring one of the greatest sitcoms ever, by honoring one of their greatest employees. Not Jeter. Not Gehrig. Not even George Herman Ruth, or George Steinbrenner, but rather a different George. Last night, they dropped a bobblehead in honor of their former assistant to the traveling secretary, George Costanza… and yada, yada, yada, it’s real, and it’s spectacular. It’s about time the Yankees partnered with Vandalay Industries. Seinfeld remains an iconic classic sitcom. And I know the older I get and the longer I hold on to this take, the more and more I sound like my parents honking Three’s Company or my grandparents attesting that The Andy Griffith Show is still the greatest sitcom of all time. But I feel like I still have a few more years to stand by this take before my millennial ass enters boomer territory. Seinfeld is on Netflix right now, so go start it. The first season or two might be a chore to get through, like most shows, but once it gets into a grove, it doesn’t look back for nine seasons – which is almost half as many seasons as it’s been since the Yankees won a World Series.

Look, it’s not often I’ll give the Evil Empire their props, but here I have to tip my cap like that little kid at Jeter’s last game. Here’s hoping Yankee Stadium went full Seinfeld and stocked the concession stands with pretzels that make people thirsty.

P.S. Larry David’s story of firing George Steinbrenner is an all-time story.

The post This Yankees Bobblehead Is Real, And It’s Spectacular appeared first on Korked Bats.

July 1st. 3 days before America celebrates their independence, we celebrate the Mets’ lack thereof. For many, it’s just another hot, sticky day in the thick of summer. But for Bobby Bonilla, it’s a hot, sticky day in the thick of summer with a cool milly being dropped into his checking account. In 2000, the Mets made a financial decision so gloriously ridiculous that only the Mets could. The Bob Valentine in a disguise of financial decisions. They decided to defer Bobby Bonilla’s $5.9 million contract, spreading it out over 25 years starting in 2011. Now, every July 1st, the Mets pay Bobby Bonilla $1.19 million. Yes. One point one nine million. Bobby Bonilla, who retired in 2001, is still making a cool million-plus every year for merely staying alive.

Imagine this: you’re sipping a cool drink sitting by the pool, playing in a charity celebrity softball game, chilling at a local bar avoiding your wife and kids, or whatever else retired MLB players do, when your phone buzzes with a notification. “$1.19 million has been deposited into your account.” That’s Bob’s reality. It’s the ultimate retirement plan. But how did this happen? The Mets, in a stroke of financial genius (or madness), thought they could invest the saved money and earn a higher return. The irony? Their investments tanked, and now they’re stuck with an annual reminder. It’s like Christmas, but instead of Christ being born, the Mets were just dumb. Meanwhile, Bob is Chuck winning the golden ticket. But instead of touring the chocolate factory with his gimpy grandpa, he can just buy the damn factory. July 1st isn’t just the first day of July. It’s forever a day to laugh at the Metropolitans. So, here’s to you, Bob Bonilla. May your first of July continue to be filled with laughter, joy, and the sweet sound of cash registers. And to the Mets, thank you for giving us this annual reminder that in the game of life, the Mets will always be good for a laugh. Can’t wait till you ink Grimace with the exact same contract!

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Hey Cubs, if you’re waiting for him to update his Twitter bio before you sign him, trust us, you’re going to be waiting for a while.

So just go ahead and sign him. He’s not going to look better anywhere else than he does in those blue pinstripes with the ivy placed directly behind him. Plus, the Cubs need this signing in the worst way. Aside from landing Shota Imanaga, the Cubs have been the lifeless body getting poked by a stick in the “c’mon do something” meme. They landed Dodgers prospect Michael Busch, which essentially eliminated themselves from landing Rhys Hoskins. And now it feels like they’re gonna miss out on blasting Belli bombs into the bleachers this summer.

I truly don’t think the Cubs realize just how easy it is to make a splash in the MLB offseason and literally steal headlines and attention for your club.

And it’s not like they have to do much to take the NL Central. They finished 2nd in the division last year. The Brewers not only lost their manager (to the Cubs), but they also traded Corbin Burnes away to the Orioles. And the Cardinals spent the offseason signing every single cover model of AARP Magazine. The only area they improved in is having more players who remember the days when MTV played music videos.

Look, if there’s anyone who understands procrastination, it’s me. So in a way, I respect the delay in actually getting anything done this offseason. But even I know to eventually get around to stuff. That’s still to be determined with the Cubs. So listen, Cubs. Sign Cody Bellinger.

And then get him to update his twitter bio.

The post Hey Cubs, You Can Go Ahead And Sign Cody Bellinger At Any Point Now appeared first on Korked Bats.

I feel like I should address up front that I am, by no means, a Cardinals fan. I’m sorry. I just don’t own any jorts. But if I was a Cardinals fan, I’d be pissed. Cardinals fans should forget the red birds. You should have red asses right now. Whenever you look at that finely dressed John Mozeliak, you should feel like Jesse Pinkman.

Aside from Kyle Gibson (the greatest pitcher in baseball history) and Sonny Gray, this team has not improved this offseason. Not only has Mo has missed on nearly every trade he’s made over the last decade (shout out, Randy Arozorena!), he’s also missed on every signing this offseason, but I can all but assure you he’s yet to miss an online sale at BrooksBrothers.com.

And this latest signing might as well be a slap to every Cardinals fan’s face.

Matt Carpenter –who last season’s best team in baseball Atlanta Braves said wasn’t good enough to be on their roster for more than a few days– is back with the birds on the bat. The hell?! Why?! Guess that .322 OBP was just too hard to pass up for Mo. I know from experience that the summers under the arch can get hot. I assume Carp fanning at pitches we’ll help cool things down. Then the Cardinals can save on in-stadium A/C, and if there’s one thing we know the Cardinals like to be, it’s save their stacks and stacks of cash. Just because birds say cheap, doesn’t mean you have to claim it too.

Personally, I thought the Cardinals were only supposed to parade old Cardinal greats on Opening Day, but now they’re doing it for 81 home games every year. Two years ago with Yadi and Pujols. Last year with Waino. And now this year with Carp and *checks notes* Lance Lynn?! Excuse me while I dry heave real quick. What’s on deck for next year, Mo? Gonna wait for Kolten Wong’s batting average to dip another .100 points before bringing him home? Maybe try kicking the tires on Lance Berkman again. Can’t wait to see The Rally Squirrel playing left and batting sixth next year.

The Cardinals front office is full of rednecks. That’s not a derogatory knock on social class, either. They have red necks because they’re perpetually creased from constantly looking back at the past. Remember 2011? David Freese! Remember? Do you remember? That old lady from Titanic remembers passionate in-car lovemaking from 84 years ago more vividly than we can remember when this franchise was a force in Major League Baseball. And if you’re a Cardinals fan getting offended by these words, you’re part of the problem. You’re getting mad at the wrong person. Don’t hate the blogger, hate the bowtie. He’s the one who rolls out the same product every year and expects 2011 results. And Mr. DeWitt lets him. Why? Because you keep buying tickets. And merch. And jorts.

The Cardinals may not have made the playoffs, but at least they made bank. How do I know? Cardinals president Bill Dewitt III isn’t really coy about where their priorities lie.

The fact that he is bragging about ticket sales in the offseason following their worst season since Todd Zeile was on the roster should tell you all you need to know. If this organization truly was all about winning, the way they used to be, they’d show it in every facet that they do business and they would not be pleased, with anything, until another Commissioners Trophy (or ‘piece of metal’ as the actual commissioner calls it) is hoisted in the 314. It’s just wild to me that on a week when the Cowboys brought back Mike McCarthy after a third straight disappointing year, the Cardinals one-upped them by bringing back Mo for another disappointing offseason. But hey, at least Mike McCarthy’s teams still make the playoffs.

The post If I Was A Cardinals Fan, I’d Be Pissed appeared first on Korked Bats.

2022:

2021:

2020:

Now sure, this year’s Padres team didn’t make sense as to why they failed spectacularly.

On paper, they’re the ’27 Yankees. But in real life, they’re every Yankees team over the last two decades (outside of 2009). Look, the Padres are Lucy with a football and their fans are Charlie Brown. And this year might have been the most deceiving yet. Because they somehow stole the playbook of their rivals up the 5 freeway and just spent more money than Harry and Lloyd in Aspen, racking up the third largest payroll in baseball. Only their IOU’s (which are as good as cash) go to their fans, because they still haven’t cashed in on any wins of substance yet. Sure, they got one over on their division rival last year in the postseason. For many, that was the NLDS, but for the Friars, it was their World Series. So I guess they have one trophy? Maybe they can melt down that trophy, turn it into a coin and spend that too.

Anyway, until next year I guess? Just don’t believe the Padres hype until the Padres prove they are no longer the Padres.

The post It’s Time For Our Annual “The Padres Will Padre Until They Prove They’re Not The Padres” Blog appeared first on Korked Bats.

The greatest gymnasts in the world can’t walk around with their foot in their mouth with as much as ease as that doofus Rob Manfred can. How can this guy be so bad at P.R.? If he’s not downplaying the World Series trophy (a trophy that’s literally named the Commissioner’s Trophy) as a “piece of metal” or publicly chastising his league’s players during a lockout (not a strike) started by the league’s owners, then he’s crapping on an entire market – one of only thirty in the Major Leagues – for actually supporting their team in the wake of one of the worst things a fan base can endure. What a – and I cannot stress this enough – tool. To give a sarcastic answer like that, basically spitting in the face of every A’s fan, how is this man allowed to be in charge of baseball? Having him as commissioner would be like hiring Cruella de Vil to run a canine adoption clinic.

A’s fans are down so bad right now, and in a last-ditch effort to try and save their team from their insatiably greedy overlords who “own” their team, they get kicked while they’re down by the one man who should be at very least pretending he’s got the fans’ best interest in heart. And sure, ol’ Madonna Mouth works for the owners, so he needs to protect their best interests at heart. I understand the role of a commissioner. But there’s a way to do it without making a public ass of yourself at every waking moment. Now, you may not be invested in this entire A’s relocation saga, but don’t worry. Whenever your favorite team is tied up in anything similar, you can rest assured the commissioner of the sport will unzip his pants and take a big ol’ dump all over your fanbase. The only people not rooting for the A’s to stay in Oakland are A’s ownership, the people of Las Vegas (except the ones who are still hungover from the Cup Final), and that gap-toothed doofus who commissions the sport, apparently. He remains the absolute worst. Get a clue, Manfred. Then get braces.

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Give ’em a break, it’s many of these people’s first time seeing an animal in the wild.

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Never in my life have I ever related to a pro-baseball team more than the Chicago Cubs this season. Over the weekend, leading up to the series finale of one of TV’s greatest shows (don’t @ me) Succession, the Cubs were swept by the previously last-place Cincinnati Reds. The sweep ultimately sent the Cubs to the cellar of the NL Central. But then Succession aired, and the Cubs trotted out on Memorial Day against the best team in the majors, the Tampa Bay Rays, and shut them out.

Was it the greatest win in the history of regular season baseball? People are asking.

The Rays came in fresh off a weekend series win over the NL’s best team, Los Angeles Dodgers, and having just hit their 100th and 101st home run of the season. The next best team in baseball has 90. And the Cubs proceeded to blank the hell out of them like **MAJOR SPOILER** Shiv did to “THE ELDEST BOY” Kendall.

Now sure, the Cubs only won 1-0, but it was as dominant of a 1-0 game you’d ever see. Some are saying the greatest 1-0 game in the history of baseball. Trust me, I was there. Were you? Didn’t think so. So you have to take my word for it.

Now these recent developments make me wonder: were the Cubs distracted by the final season of Succession? Personally, I and many other people were. So it’s easy to believe the Cubs were as well. Frankly, I was extremely productive on Monday as well. Having walked over 22,000 steps (not to brag) and doing a load of laundry. Well, at least putting it in the wash. I still need to move it to the dryer. But it’s all been since Succession ended. Coincidence? There are no coincidences.

Now you’re probably thinking: “It’s one game. So what?” First off, you can’t put together a winning streak without wining the first one. And that’s exactly what the Cubs did. Against MLB’s best team. Look, Succession is over, which means we’re looking for the next great show on TV. Will it be the Cubs? People are asking.

The post The Cubs Were Just Waiting For ‘Succession’ To End Before Turning It On This Summer appeared first on Korked Bats.

Cody Bellinger was recently placed on the Cubs injured list, which is weird, because I didn’t think the Cubs could put a Los Angeles Dodger on the IL. WHAAAAA?!

Yes, Cody is still a Dodger. Not my words. Those are the words of his Twitter bio… which I’m pretty sure is the most binding documentation in all of sports. So naturally, over the past month or so on Twitter, we have documented every day Cody has failed to update his Twitter. Why? First off: why not? People need to know. And second: we’re a dumb sports blog. What else are we going to do with our time?

Now you may be one who says “Who the hell cares?! He’s a Major League Baseball player. He has a few bigger things to worry about than updating his social media platforms” or “He clearly doesn’t live on the internet like you” or “Why did I even click on this link to read this?” If you are thinking any (or all) of these, then you must be as cool as JonnyCoolGuy, who apparently is not as cool of a guy as his Twitter name suggests.

“Who cares” Guy on the Internet is always my favorite. Especially on viral tweets. The irony is so clearly lost on them. But when the “who cares” comes from someone named JonnyCoolGuy, it does make you take a step back and wonder… wait, who DOES care?! Not only did JonnyCoolGuy unfollow us for a single (albeit consistent) tweet, he also hit us with the block.

More like JonnySavageGuy, amirite?! Dude’s clearly pissed that Cody Bellinger is still a Dodger. And judging by his profile picture of the centerfield scoreboard of Wrigley Field, it makes sense.

Anyway, please DO NOT tweet at JonnyCoolGuy and let him know that Cody Bellinger still hasn’t updated his Twitter bio. And that today is May 23rd.

The post To Us, Cody Bellinger Is Still A Los Angeles Dodger Because His Twitter Bio Says So appeared first on Korked Bats.

Joseph Pulitzer. Barbara Walters. Edward R. Murrow. And, of course, Bob Nightengale.

It is currently May 16th and no journalist, aside from USA Today’s Bob Nightengale, is willing to talk about what would happen if the season ended today. It should be talked about. It needs to be talked about. Because without talking about it, how would we know what playoff implications would be in order for such an early end to the season. And if the season somehow inexplicably ended before Memorial Day, the most pressing news would be the fact that the offseasons’ two biggest spenders, the New York Mets and San Diego Padres, wouldn’t be in the playoffs. Never mind the abnormality of the season ending on MAY 16th (!). Nope, it’s that the Padres and Mets would not be in the postseason. Would it be weird that the season ended a mere days after Mother’s Day? Sure. But it’d be even weirder to see two-historically disappointing franchises who spent big money this offseason fail to make the postseason. At least according to Bobby.

Now look, it’s not like this is anything far from the norm for ol’ Bobert. He loves tweeting narratives in real-time. When it comes to freezing cold takes, and/or just wrong reports, there’s no one finer than #BobNightenL.

However, we should give credit where credit is due. This is the man who inevitably broke the news that officially brought baseball back from their lockout last spring.

Oh, and don’t forget, Bob IS on Cameo.

The post Bob Nightengale Gave Us MLB’s First “If The Season Ended Today” …on May 16! appeared first on Korked Bats.