…and you thought Rebecca Black made crappy music videos.

First, did the Pac-10/12 not get Jay-Z’s memo about how auto-tune is dead? He specifically wrote a song about it to inform everyone else in the hip-hop game. This rule applies for everyone who makes music not named Cher. Since, well, she started the whole fad when she asked if we believed in life after love.

Second, the video begins with and is titled, “The Countdown Is Over.” Who exactly is counting down to the unveiling of the Pac-12’s new logo?

Third, around the :18 second mark, there is a goofy looking swimmer. Flailing his arms around like wacky waving inflatable flailing arm tube man. This swimmer has a USC Trojans swim cap on. Really, Pac-12-ish? Of all the amazing sports that USC has to offer (football, baseball, & heck, even basketball), you chose swimming?!

•

•

“Let’s see here, we need a sport to represent USC. What can we use? Johnson, check with the field hockey team. See if they’ll be in our video.”

“They can’t sir, they’re at a tournament in New Hampshire this weekend.”

“Well, that’s just great. What other sport are we going to use to help encompass the prestigious athletic program that the University of Southern California has to offer?!”

“We could get Steven Spielberg. He went to USC’s great film school.”

“C’mon Johnson. This is a video for the Pac-12’s sports! We need sports! Other than field hockey, what else does that school have to offer athletically?”

“How about swimming?”

“Yeah. That might just work. Let’s get the skinniest, palest, goofiest looking swimmer. That way people will be distracted and not even think twice about USC’s sports representative not wearing safety goggles and a skirt carrying a weird stick.”

Finally, this video just goes to prove that Washington State doesn’t have an athletics program. Their representative is an adult version of Manny from Modern Family wearing a Wazzu Cougars hat. So if you have wondered why Washington State has been relevant in society (with the exception of flying a flag at every ESPN College Gameday location), it’s because chubby Mark Cuban is the best representative for their athletic program that the Pac-12 could find.

You would think the Pac-10+2 would have learned that making a cheesy music video to promote something isn’t a good idea from Notre Dame.

The post The Pac-12’s Awkward Music Video appeared first on Korked Bats.

Let’s be honest. Texas A&M fans would have loved to go to the SEC because they wouldn’t have to worry about riding the Longhorns’ coattail anymore, they’d have better money disbursement, and they would be all but guaranteed victories in football and basketball whenever it is time to play the Mississippi schools.

Let’s be dishonest. Texas A&M athletic director Bill Byrne has good decision making skills.

The following email addressed to Bill Byrne is from an aggravated A&M fan after learning they would not be joining the Southeastern Conference.

Hey a–holes [edit]

I am a third generation aggie and class of ‘06. my family and I, including many extend family members have had season tickets at kyle field for up to 20 yrs.

We also tailgate spending a lot of time and money during the fall in college station. That all ended today

We are canceling our season tickets and will never again donate to the 12th man until there is all new board of regents minus Gene Stallings, a new ad, new president (that guy is a disgrace).

Dollar bill, I hope you have time to pull your tongue out of dodds butt to read this email

Sincere regards

[name redacted]

That’s serious business. What will a school due without this one guy’s family buying season tickets? This may be the end of Texas A&M. Not only their athletic department, but their entire institution will probably flounder as well.

After receiving this email, the next logical step for a 65 year old athletic director is…

The post How to Lose a Job in 10 Seconds appeared first on Korked Bats.

Over this past weekend I was lucky enough to catch the NCAA Lacrosse Final Four and all I can say is “WOW!” For those of you that missed it, an unranked Notre Dame squad was able to make it to the Championship game before finally losing to the Duke Blue Devils in overtime. It was an amazing show of an amazingly underrated sport.

As a former lacrosse player, I have a high appreciation of the sport. However, I know that most people would rather watch Women’s Basketball than some stick-ball game. Luckily, it is the end of the season, so I have some proposals to the National Lacrosse Association so that they can increase their viewers and improve their game.

(Comment if you read this)

1. Duke was able to hold the ball for the last 2.5 minutes of the game… You have got to insert a shot clock.

2. The sport is whiter than a Norwegian Ski team… Let some black people play.

3. Don’t Let Abercrombie come close to you.

?

Chip

4. Male lacrosse players wear a full set of pads and the girls only wear goggles… Guys, Stop Being Wimps!

5. Ride on your sticks and try to catch the Golden Snitch.

6. Don’t let Adam Lambert wear you as armor.

Is

7. Play it on Ice… Never mind, no one would watch that either.

8. The average collegiate players pads/helmet/stick cost over $400 combined… Be Less Expensive!

9. Don’t let your Referees wear rugby shorts.

The

10. Have a movie with Michael Jordan and Looney Toons.

11. Start calling it “The Crosse” to appeal to English speaking nations and “Le Crosse” to appeal to the French.

12. Don’t Commit Sexual Assault.

Coolest

13. Let little kids smile in your team pictures.

14. Please be less Guido.

15. And Most Important of all… Let More Beavers Play!

Ever

*Sorry, I just really wanted to put this picture in here.

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With the hiring of Derek Dooley, the only emotion I could feel was confused. Sure, I had been on the message boards and seen his name pop up, but I never thought that Louisiana Tech’s coach would ever get this big if a promotion. It’s like an NCAA assistant coordinator becoming an NFL head coach or something. Some of you are laughing at that last joke, but as I am writing this I am noticing too many similarities between Dooley and Kiffin that I really don’t care for…

1. Dooley is a good recruiter (ask Glenn Dorsey)
2. He is coming from a losing program
3. His dad is a legendary coach

It’s as if Mike Hamilton, UT’s athletic director, just got conned by a guy and then decided he likes his style (Not his fashion style, no one like’s Kiffin’s XXXL shirts). While the Dooley decision may have come from out of nowhere, at least Mike Hamilton didn’t pick any of these coaches…

Will Muschamp
Current:
Texas Defensive Coordinator and Head Coach-in-Waiting

Resume:
Defensive Coordinator for 2003 LSU BCS Champions
Miami Dolphins Asst. Coach of Defense
Defensive Coordinator of Auburn’s 7th ranked NCAA Defense
Regarded as one of the best recruiters in the nation

Why Him?:
Incredible Recruiter and Loves the SEC

Fun Fact:
Reads Care Bears books to his kids nearly every night

Chris Petersen
Current:
Boise State Head Coach

Resume:
Overall Coaching record of 49-4
Undefeated at home on the Blue Turf
Regarded as one of the best overall coaches in the nation

Why Him?:
Just look at that Resume

Fun Fact:
Has never gotten a ticket when pulled over

Jon Gruden
Current:
Monday Night Football Color Analyst

Resume:
Super Bowl winning Head Coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Youngest coach to ever win a Super Bowl
Only NFL Coach to never have started for an NCAA football team

Why Him?:
Started Coaching career as a Graduate Asst. for the Vols

Fun Fact:
Appeared on People’s 50 most beautiful people in 2001

David Cutcliffe
Current:
Head Coach of the Duke Blue Devils

Resume:
Ole Miss Head Coach for 6 years (only 1 losing season, his last)
Offensive Coordinator for Tennessee twice
Coached both Peyton and Eli Manning (Your welcome NFL)
Regarded as one of the best QB coaches in the nation

Why Him?:
Loved by Tennessee and Loved by Fulmer

Fun Fact:
Actually enjoys playing Farmville
Also the only coach on this list with a daughter

However, instead of getting one of these over qualified coaches that I just listed, the University of Tennessee decided to go with this guy…

Derek Dooley
Current:
University of Tennessee Head Coach

Resume:
Head Coach and Athletic Director of the Louisiana Tech Bulldogs
17-20 Overall Record
Miami Dolphins and LSU Tight Ends Coach
That’s all

Why Him?:
Everyone else turned Tennessee down…

All joking aside, this guy is definitely starting to grow on me. He may not have the best coaching record and he has an accent that is more country than Deliverance, but hey, at least my team is still better than all of the other KB writer’s teams… SUCK IT!

The post Derek Whooley? appeared first on Korked Bats.

Because today is a day in which we can all make fun of Lane Kiffin together. (Unless you are a USC fan. In which case, I apologize in advance for what/who you are about to receive.)

A majority of our readership comes from Knoxville and those readers are primarily Tennessee Volunteer fans. Finally they won’t get upset when we make Lane Kiffin jokes which happen more frequently than Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie adopting a kid.

And I’m going to be honest, I will never stop poking fun at Lane Kiffin. Not only because he is such an easy target, but because the man took my dream job as the head coach at Southern Cal. I applied for that job. So, I guess I am still looking for a job for after my May graduation. (coughHIREMEcough)

But yes, I am a little bitter. I have a better coaching resume than Kiffin. It’s just not fair.

Meanwhile, somewhere in St. Louis, Mark McGwire is thanking Lane Kiffin for taking the national media attention away from him.

However, back in Knoxville, Tennessee, all heck is breaking loose. And by heck, I mean an un-intimidating crowd of running and screaming white kids. Tennessee fans and students are very angry, as they should be. But these “riots” (or “marathons” as it appears in the video above) that have broken out on campus are comical. You would think with so many criminals at that school that they would be able to cause a better ruckus. But you must admit, the past year has been a roller coaster ride of emotions for everyone associated with Tennessee.

Here have been the recent thoughts of Tennessee football fans over the last 14 months. The good thoughts are in GREEN and the bad thoughts are in RED:

Lane Kiffin peaces out.
He named his son Knox. Why isn’t he staying for a while?
Our good recruits start de-committing.
We have lost all hope to continue our football program.

In the words of Rob Schneider in The Waterboy, “Oh know! We suck again!”

Honestly, Lane Kiffin is like Nick Nolte and Julia Roberts rolled into one with how much he loves trouble. He has been one of Korked Bats’ best friends. Every time sports news in this country would get slow, and we would have nothing to talk about on our radio show or write about on this site, Lane Kiffin would volunteer (no pun intended) to get himself in the media about something. Whether it be him calling out an SEC coach, getting another NCAA secondary violation, naming his son Monte Knox Kiffin (I’m sure he regrets that one now), his players getting arrested, how hot his wife is, or any thing else he has done in the last 14 months, Kiffin has given us some great material. So allow us to thank you, Lane.

How about the other side of this story?

Why exactly is USC going after Lane Kiffin? Last season, he had a bigger collection of NCAA secondary recruiting violations than Rip Taylor’s collection of confetti sticks. Isn’t USC in deep enough with all their NCAA violations? USC hiring Lane Kiffin to be their head coach is like a criminal on trial hiring Charles Manson as their lawyer. It’s probably not going to make the situation any easier.

However, with the return of Lane, Monte Kiffin and Norm Chow, USC is “bringing the band back together” and putting together one big reunion tour. Trojan fans are just hoping it turns out to be more like a Rolling Stones Reunion Tour as opposed to a Creed Reunion Tour.

“DOGgone it! Kiffin leaving makes me want to throw up! And then eat it.”
-Smokey (Tennessee’s Macot)

Anyway, in conclusion, good luck to Lane Kiffin in the near future. Not necessarily with success at USC, but more along the lines of making it out of Knoxville alive. You did a great job of bringing Tennessee Football back to relevance in college football… sort of. At very least you DID get them a lot of media attention that they, for sure, never would have received anyway.

The post Blame Kiffin appeared first on Korked Bats.

After reading the “Maggie Gyllenhaal: The 2009 SEC Football Season” post from a few days ago (give it a read if you haven’t yet), I felt it necessary to defend what I believe is STILL the cream of the crop when it comes to college football conferences.

Let me first address the issue of conference pride. I can’t for the life of me understand why the SEC is the only conference that seems to have any semblance of pride between its members. These are the teams you face each and every season and the better they perform on the national stage, the better it looks for your program when you get the chance to come away with a victory in a conference game. Members of the SEC know how tough it is to fight through conference play and it feels good to show the rest of the nation just how tough the battle was. Conference success also helps in recruiting, especially for the bottom feeders in the league as they are able to sell the idea of playing in the best conference in the country. I guess the other conferences don’t chant “Big 10! Big 10! Big 10!” or “Big 12! Big 12! Big 12!” because such chants would be like chanting “We’re #2! We’re #2!”. While that is still respectable, you just don’t do that.

In response to the previous post, comparing an Ole Miss fan celebrating a Bama National Championship, for example, is not comparable to an Orioles fan celebrating a Yankees crown. Why? Because in baseball, strength of schedule doesn’t mean anything. There are no polls, thus perception of the conference, or division in this case, is irrelevant.

Obviously the Southeastern Conference has been on top the last few years as agreed with in the previously mentioned post. But I respectfully disagree with the idea they weren’t the best yet again this year and won’t be for the foreseeable future.

While the bowl season didn’t turn out a favorable as some would have liked (its hard to not to underperform when you strive for perfection), I will still argue the SEC performed better than the other top conferences.

As you can see, the SEC had by far the most bowl eligible teams (10 out of 12 teams is a pretty good testament to the quality of the league from top to bottom) and managed to come away with the second best bowl record out of the top five football conferences (and if you think the Big East has a claim at being the best I recommend you give up your love for sports and pursue a different hobby).

What makes this bowl record even more impressive is the fact just about every team from the SEC faced a higher seeded opponent in their respective conference. Here’s a list of the bowl games SEC teams competed in and where each team ranked in their own conference. This was somewhat difficult since some conferences aren’t split up into two divisions but I tried my best. Let’s take a look (winners in bold):

And it’s not like Texas put some scrub in the game to take over for McCoy. Although Garrett Gilbert was a freshman, he was still the number 2 quarterback coming out of high school (just behind USC starter Matt Barkley), hardly an excuse. Facing adversity is a part of the game. Deal with it.

For anyone to tell me a conference who won the national championship for the fourth year straight, won another BCS bowl over a conference champion in a rout (Florida by 27 over Cinci), sent the most teams to the postseason, AND arguably had the best bowl performances, is kind of a head scratcher to me.

And to all the other conferences who think the SEC is starting to fall from grace, think again. The conference as a whole is young and if the following list of recruiting ranks doesn’t scream sustained dominance to you, I don’t know what to tell you.

The post SEC! SEC! SEC! appeared first on Korked Bats.

Following up from an earlier post, it seems that there is something much more destructive than the Heisman curse. I like to call it the “Curse of the Colt” (pretty original, huh?). It seems that America’s favorite Baby Face must be putting up some bad karma in his life and he just can’t seem to get a break. Let’s look a little into this…

The Good:

• Named “Colt”
• Has a really hot girlfriend
• Set 4 NCAA records including most wins by a Starting QB (44)
• Once swam 300 yards across a lake to save a man’s life
• Owns just about every piece of hardware a QB can receive (sans a Heisman)

I will admit, I have been a Colt McCoy fan since I first looked into those baby blue eyes (It was like the first time I heard the Beatles). Sure he may not be my favorite Texas Quarterback, but he has always been a class act and has carried this team upon his shoulders multiple times. Colt, you are a good kid and I know you will succeed in the NFL, but thanks to a couple bad breaks, you are going to be making a whole lot less money. All I can say is good luck, rookie.

*The word “unpronounceable” is pretty unpronounceable.

The post Good Colt/Bad Colt appeared first on Korked Bats.

The Alabama Crimson Tide won the BCS National Championship last night. Korked Bats would like to congratulate their team, coaches and staff, their fine university and all Bama fans across the country for their record 13th National Title. You’d be lying if you said that isn’t one of the most impressive records in sports. They are a darn good football team and very deserving of the crystal football.

However, last night was a bittersweet night for the rest of us… The typical college football fans. The fans that long for “next year”.

If you are like me, you get up at 8 am on Saturday mornings to watch ESPN’s College Gameday, then immediately after, you watch the Big Ten early afternoon games, then you watch the ACC mid-afternoon match-ups, followed by the SEC/Big 12 night game, and then finally, you stay up late to watch the Pac-10 teams finish up.

That’s what every fall Saturday looks like for me. I have a weekly sports talk radio show (which 80-90% of our show’s content in the fall is college football). So I have to be up to date on college football from ALL across the country.

So if you think this post is coming from some college kid who does some sports blog as a hobby, you’re right. But just know that this college kid with a sports blog watches more college football than most people. Probably even you.

So hopefully, you’ll read ALL that I have to say, because I never write anything on this site that I can’t back up. So let’s get to the purpose of this post.

The SEC, this year for the first time ever, produced two undefeated teams going into their conference championship. This speaks volumes for Alabama and Florida. They were able to make it through a tough SEC conference schedule without a loss. But it’s not just winning these games that stands out. It’s how big they won the games by.

Florida and Alabama, combined, played three regular season games that were closer than 10 points (one of which was Alabama’s 9 point win against LSU). That’s a two possession game and a convincing win.

Florida and Alabama could beat any team in the country. If not, they can definitely run with any team in the country. So obviously these two schools are above and beyond any other team in the SEC.

But after that the rest of the conference is pretty much a bore. (Sure, there is LSU and Ole Miss who nationally have had respect, but both teams lost games they shouldn’t have this season and did not live up to expectations.)

For the sake of my analogy, let’s call Florida and Alabama the bone structure, hair, and eyes of Maggie Gyllenhaal. They are the good features of her face. The features that make her look very attractive when looking from far away. Whereas the rest of the conference (this season) are the fat, wrinkles, and the horrible use of makeup that make Maggie Gyllenhaal uglier from up close.

Let’s dig deeper…

To start things off, Mississippi State and Vanderbilt are just awful. Vandy had 2 wins this year (Rice and I-AA Western Carolina) and the Bulldogs had 5. They would be considered something horrific about Maggie that makes you throw up in your mouth. Something like M.G. breast feeding in public. Gross.

The rest of the conference is head and shoulders above these two schools. But that’s nothing against the SEC. Every conference has bad teams that weigh their conference down. Baylor (Big XII), Indiana (Big Ten), Washington State (Pac-10), Duke (ACC), Louisville (Big East), just to name a few. They’re the bottom feeders. In this league, they’re primarly the people who chant “SEC, SEC, SEC” the loudest when really they have had nothing to contribute but wins for the successful schools. That’s why I am not even going to include them in my argument.

So when you take away those two schools, the rest of the conference is bowl eligible. That’s right, the rest of the conference had at least 6 wins. That is pretty impressive. It’s “hot”, if you will. But once you take a closer look, it doesn’t seem all that attractive. (The Maggie Gyllenhaal Effect)

Let’s begin with the non conference schedules of these teams.

The SEC’s non-conference schedule is easier than peeing your pants. The bowl eligible teams of the conference (everyone but Vandy and Miss St.) played 4 non-conference games against USA Today Top 25 ranked opponents. Ten of the twelve SEC schools scheduled a I-AA (or FCS) school. Ole Miss scheduled two I-AA schools. Not only that but these schools are scheduling the worst of Division 1. According to Sports Illustrated, the rankings of the non-conference games of the SEC are 93, 98, 102, 106, 107, 109, 110, 112, 113, 114, 115, 116, 119, and the worst, 120. (There are only 120 teams in Division 1/FBS)

(I will admit, Georgia did have one of, if not the, toughest schedule in the country. So Georgia, you are excused from this easy non-conference part of the argument.)

With the lack of difficulty outside your conference schedule, you have to assume you can chalk up 4 wins per team. So from there, each team only needs 2 wins within the conference to obtain bowl eligibility. So having 10 of 12 bowl eligible teams doesn’t seem all that special anymore.

Let’s now look at the bowl season.

The bowl season is a time of year when you are more easily able to determine which teams/conferences reign superior over others. A time when the SEC usually flexes their muscles with big wins which equate to a great bowl record…

The Music City Bowl
Kentucky (7-5) loses to Clemson (8-5), 21-13.

The Independence Bowl
Georgia (7-5) dominates Texas A&M (6-6), 44-20.
(Alright, once again, Georgia, you may be excused.)

The Chic-Fil-A Bowl
Tennessee (7-5) gets dominated by #11 Virginia Tech (9-3), 37-14.

The Outback Bowl
Auburn (7-5) barely beats Northwestern (8-4), 38-35 in Overtime
If you remember, Northwestern missed a field goal to win the game with no time remaining in regulation. If that kick goes through, Auburn loses to a Big Ten team.

The Capital One Bowl
#12 LSU (9-3) loses to #13 Penn State (10-2)

The PapaJohns.com Bowl
South Carolina (7-5) gets beat soundly by UConn (7-5), 20-7
SC scores on their final drive to save being shut out by a Big East school.

The Cotton Bowl
Ole Miss (8-4) pulls away from #19 Oklahoma State (9-3), 21-7
With the score tied 7-7 going into the fourth, Ole Miss pulls out the win off of six 4th quarter turnovers by Okie St.

The Liberty Bowl
Arkansas (7-5) squeaks by East Carolina (9-4), 20-17.
Much like the Outback Bowl, ECU has not one, but two chances to win the game if they don’t miss two field goals within the final two minutes of regulation. ECU plays in Conference USA.

These bowl games do not scream dominance. They do not scream America’s best conference. If these bowl taught us anything about the SEC, it’s that they are nothing special. Just like every other conference.

I’ve heard some SEC fans say that in nearly every SEC bowl game, the SEC team is paired up with a higher ranked team. For the most part, that is true. But then again, that is true EVERY year, not just this year. And in years past the SEC has won these games. A lot of times, pretty soundly with no late game pressure. So what is the excuse for this year?

Having Mississippi State, Vanderbilt, Tennessee, Kentucky, South Carolina, Arkansas, and/or Auburn fans bragging after Alabama’s National Championship about how “dominant the SEC is” is like an Orioles fan bragging about the Yankees winning the World Series because they come out of the AL East. Or a Sacramento Kings fan bragging that they come from the Pacific Division in the Western Conference, the same division that the NBA Champion Los Angeles Lakers come from. It’s like former Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler bragging that he is attractive, just because his daughter, Liv, is beautiful.

I don’t think there was one. Sparsity obviously spread amongst the country this season. The Big XII, ACC, and SEC were down. The Big Ten and Pac-10 were way up. The Big East… Well, the Big East was the Big East. The Mountain West proved through bowl season that they are a force to be reckoned with (their only loss was TCU in the Fiesta Bowl).

This season was a weird one and I can honestly sit here and tell you that I don’t think there was a conference that could call themselves the best conference in 2009. And even if there was one, it’s not saying much.

I know I am going to get some heat for this post. That’s fine. All I ask is that you do two things before you comment/berate me for writing this:

Number 2 is a tricky one. People are going to jump all over me over irrellivant topics/arguments. I go to the University of Missouri. Our football team got spanked by Navy. That’s right, Navy. It was embarrassing as a fan. I’d be lying if I said anything else.

However, I’m not arguing that Missouri could beat anyone in the SEC. (Although they are 4-0 against the SEC since 2005 with an average margin of victory of 20 points… But I’m not arguing that.)

I’m not arguing that the Big 12 is better than the SEC. The Big 12 was down this year. In other years, I would of had more of an argument. But I’m not saying the Big 12 is the best conference in college football. They’re not.

I’m not even arguing the fact that the SEC HAS been the best. They were. Especially in 2007 and 2008. And heck, having a team from your conference win the National Title the past four seasons is pretty dang impressive.

What I’m arguing is that the SEC is not the clear cut best conference in football this year like they have been in years past. Despite having Florida and Alabama, the rest of the conference isn’t strong enough to be donned the best conference. If arrogant SEC fans took their blinders off and looked at the overview of the conference this season, maybe they would see that.

So maybe you think this argument is Stranger Than Fiction, but let’s be honest there weren’t as many Happy Endings this season. But lucky for the SEC, they were able to have The Dark Knight bail out their career this year. Donnie Darko. (I wanted to work that movie in somehow)

Now, with that being said and the season ending last night… Let the countdown for August 2010 and brand new college football season begin!

The post Maggie Gyllenhaal: The 2009 SEC Football Season appeared first on Korked Bats.

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