Got a flat tire last night on the way to my company’s holiday party. So after changing the tire and driving the car back home, I hopped in one of the most wild Lyft rides of my life and live-tweeted it while it happened.

Now, after all that, I did have one dinkus try and claim I made this entire thing up. Honestly, I wish I did, because 1. that would mean I have a crap ton of time on my hand, and 2. I created the greatest and weirdest character since Ernest. But trust me, ol’ Richie is real. And he’s spectacular.

P.S. Shout out to this tweet…

I'm not making this up. I just completed an Uber ride with a driver named Clementine, who was smoking a cigar. She seemed unhappy, and now I know why.

— BizarroPK (@bizarroPK) December 14, 2023

The post A Live-Tweeting Of One Of The Weirdest Lyft Rides Of All Time appeared first on Korked Bats.

Hey Jason, mind if I pull you aside real quick? Bragging about steamrolling through $8 of toilet paper a day isn’t exactly the flex that I believe you think it is. Even in the height of the pandemic’s ‘toilet paper is our new cryptocurrency’ era, bragging about your TP usage just isn’t all you apparently imagine. However, I’m willing to bet it’s his sentence before the TP brag that gives us all the intel we need as to why this man is rummaging through toilet paper like a cat who snuck into the bathroom. A Big Mac and fries. The only question is how many?

Jason Whitlock was trying to defend paying the cost of Twitter Blue (shocker), because after the Great Blue Checkmark Purge of 2023, J-Dub’s account was still proudly verified and, like LeBron, he was called out for it. However, that social media merit badge very quickly turned into a skidmark. Side note: if you want to pay for Twitter Blue, by all means, go for it. Hell, Korked Bats’ main account has had Twitter Blue since Jack Dorsey was still captaining the ship, solely because it allows us to post longer videos to the platform – which, for what we do, is important. But we’re not going to hype or rip the cost of Twitter Blue (I mean, it was better when it was $2.99 a month, but whatevs), and we’re certainly not going to reveal the number of times we wipe our ass in a day.

Not to get too deep into the NextGen Stats powered by AW-ass, but this means Whitlock is going through SIX (6!) mega-rolls, which equates to 24 regular rolls EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Jason, in your defense of the blue checkmark receipt, you don’t exactly need to go touting that you spend that same cost in toilet paper PER DAY. I’m no Jason Whitlock fan, by any means, but I have to admit, I’m starting to get worried about him. There has to be something going on gastrically for the big guy. You need to see someone about that, boss? You feeling ok? Is it a hemmoroid problem? That last question is rhetorical, of course. I don’t really want to know about any inflammation in Jason Whitlock’s anus.

BONUS CONTENT! Here’s a quick power ranking of toilet paper brands:

5. Scott – I call this the high school toilet paper, because it’s cheap, it has all the sensitivity of sandpaper, and it’s stocked in what seems like every high school in America. The only reason this brand was ranked 5th is because I can’t think of a sixth toilet paper brand.

4. Quilted Northern – *Shaq voice* I’ll admit, I’m not really familiar with your game.

3. Angel Soft – affordable and comfortable enough.

2. Cottonelle – Puppies in your commercials certainly help. Plus, you can’t be more coarse than the others.

1. Charmin – maybe because it’s the softest TP out there or maybe it’s the bear saranating me about his heiny being clean

The post In The Biggest ‘Weird Flex, But Ok?’ of All-Time, Jason Whitlock Brags About Going Through $8 of Toilet Paper Per Day appeared first on Korked Bats.

What’s the one thing you should always hit on when talking on Chicago sports talk radio? Bears, right? Maybe Bulls. Right now maybe Sox or Cubs? Or – wait – how about early settlers who ventured out to sea in hopes of discovering new lands?

As part of this neverending Kim Mulkey jacket saga, my friends (and absolute legends) Laurence Holmes and Leila Rahimi asked me to hop on their show with them this afternoon. I was slotted right in between their interviews with Ian Happ and skipper David Ross. Just three guys who plan on being at Wrigley on Saturday. I’m sure your diehard “STICK TO SPORTS!” listeners loved hearing a segment of a country music radio host talking about wearing a couture runway jacket to a Cubs game. But that’s what I love about Bernstein and Holmes’ show. They go where the wind blows. And speaking of wind blowing, that leads me to the point of this blog. Because any sports talk radio hosts who will allow an in-studio guest to make subtle references to early world explorers are the kind of sports talk radio hosts I love. There’s no BIG RAZZ here. They seamlessly let me get away with dropping a nod to mine, and I assume most people’s, Spanish explorer and conquistador who was involved in expeditions in Nicaragua and the Yucatan Peninsula. We don’t talk about him enough frankly. On top of that, Leila firing back with a Juan Ponce de Leon blast. Dammit, I should’ve known she’d tag back with the Spanish explorer and conquistador known for leading the first official European expedition to Florida. Hat tip to you, Leila. Or I guess, metal armored helmet tip to you.

But then to cap it all off, Holmes worked in a Derrick Henry drop just because he knew it would jazz me up.

For anyone knew to Korked Bats, we are The #1 Derrick Henry Fan Site On The Internet, so if you bring up the king, we will bite EVERY. TIME. And I did today.

and naturally I would talk Derrick Henry on chicago sports talk radio pic.twitter.com/A3SUyyzDl2

— Austin Huff (@AustinHuff) April 19, 2023

Look… PEOPLE ARE ASKING.

You can listen to the full segment where on top of the jacket saga, we talk Jim Rome, NIL, country music, Pac-Man, 16-inch softball, and a crap ton of other random topics. Shout out to Laurence and Leila for having me on. Two of my favorite folks who do tremendous work.

The post I Went On Chicago Sports Talk Radio And We Kept Dropping References To Early World Explorers appeared first on Korked Bats.

What is old shall be made new again. Not to date myself, but I’m old enough to remember when Pizza Hut’s actually looked like huts. Back in the days when every kid didn’t get a participation trophy……….. wait. Nevermind. We always held our end-of-baseball/basketball/soccer season parties at Pizza Hut in which our head coach would then hand out the trophies. Dammit. But that’s beside the point. The point of this blog is that nature is healing itself. Pizza Huts are once again huts. They’re taking back the land they lost. They may have lost the initial battle, but in the end, no one truly out pizzas the Hut.

The post Nature Is Healing. appeared first on Korked Bats.

OK, you can only write with ONE type of pen for the rest of your life, which one are you picking? (ignoring the ink color) pic.twitter.com/vHhvfYQXxv

— 𝘾𝙝𝙧𝙞𝙨 𝙂𝙧𝙤𝙨𝙨𝙚 (@Chris_Grosse) January 25, 2023

Let me start by saying, I’m not picking #7. Good Lord, I’d have to be a serial killer to do so. And I haven’t killed enough people yet to be considered serial. However, I do think the vitriol surrounding #7 has been a little much.

Is #7 the best pen on there? Not at all. Far from it. But it’s not the Mr. Irrelevant in this draft either. (That would clearly go to #6) #7 has fair qualities. For one, everytime you pick up a #7, you know there’s going to be ink in it. That might be because people are choosing literally every other pen in the drawer before that one, but still, it always has ink. I’ll admit, at first, I was anti-#7. But after thinking about it more, I felt like that S.O.B. was reliable. And it never breaks, so it’s durable. And then I went on to give it an NFL comparison.

Plus, to add to Paully’s point, that’s the only pen in the bunch that can be used to kill your teacher who’s actually an alien just like Josh Hartnett did to John Stewart in The Faculty.

Speaking of that movie, if you’re a deadbeat drug addict like Josh Hartnett’s character, Zeke, #7 is the only pen you can use to store coke in. So that’s something to consider as well.

At the end of the day, #7 is water. While it may be more fun to pick a soda or sexier to pick a cocktail, #7 will always keep you hydrated.

So with all that said, I grew up on #1 and #4, so I’m choosing one of those.

The post In Defense Of #7 From That Viral ‘Pick Your Favorite Pen’ Meme appeared first on Korked Bats.

Yesterday, on November 1st, Mariah Carey dropped the following video, officially announcing the start of Christmas season.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Mariah Carey (@mariahcarey)

Not today, Satan Mariah Carey!

It’s time for Thanksgiving to get its groove back. To get its month back. It’s like Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are all siblings, and the middle child always gets neglected. It’s time we get back to giving Thanksgiving the respect it’s due. I mean, this is America, isn’t it? Why would we not count down the days and celebrate the absolute hell out of the one holiday that is all about food?! Sure, Christmas is commercialized which is why we go over the top with it, but why don’t we commercialize Turkey Day?! Where are our advent calendars and 12 days of Thanksgiving? Why don’t we debate if DIE HARD is a Thanksgiving movie? (I mean, technically it takes place at Christmas, but the movie originally came out in the summer… and if you split the difference? BOOM! Thanksgiving!) It’s time we give the gobble its due. If we’re going to murder countless turkeys every year the least we can do is celebrate them leading up to it while they’re still alive! All I’m saying is the native Americans and pilgrims didn’t die for this.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not some Ebineezer. I love Christmas. I love Christmas time. But I need some detox time after Halloween. I can’t go from watching Friday The 13th to celebrating December The 25th with a single ride on the Peloton, Mariah! And it’s not just the world’s biggest diva to blame. Some radio stations in Chicago are already flipping to Christmas music for the season. Are you kidding me?! It’s been in the 70’s this week. Forgive me for not wanting to jam out to White Christmas when I’m wearing shorts. There’s a time and a place for Christmas, and November is NOT it.

It used to be that Black Friday was actually on Friday and Christmas didn’t kick off until you saw Santa at the end of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. At what point do we say enough is enough? At what point do we not let our neighbor Christmas litter OUR yard with all of their kids’ toys? I say it’s right now. Let’s fight back for November. Now you might be saying: “Austin, didn’t you just yesterday rank November as the second most worthless month of the calendar year?” And to that I say………… Well, yes.

But still, that doeesn’t mean I don’t like Thanksgiving. So I will gladly join anyone else on the front lines in this war. It’s not a War on Christmas, like your aunt on Facebook likes to complain about every year. It’s a War FOR Thanksgiving. So Thanksgiving nation, let’s ride.

The post It’s Time To Give Thanksgiving Some Respect appeared first on Korked Bats.

Man, Russell. It’s bad enough you’ve proven yourself to be cringey internet video guy, cringey television commercial guy, and cringey jumbotron hypeman guy. But no need to further down this path and reveal you’re cringey traveler guy. Doing high knees on an airplane for FOUR HOURS?! What the hell, dude? Just please, we’re begging you, do something that we think is cool. Anything! The bar is set so low right now. You could’ve admitted to sleeping on the entire 8-hour flight and it would’ve been better for your public image. Anything but doing P90-X at 36,000 feet. So in honor of Russ’s airborne workout, I figured I’d drop the power rankings of worst 5 things you can do on a flight.

5. Talk to me

The absolute last thing I want to do on a flight is make small talk with someone I’m never going to see ever again. I’d rather be roughed up, bloodied, and dragged off a flight by a United flight attendant than have you ask me what I do for a living. It’s wasted breath. Wasted energy. And when I’m traveling, my energy is always at its lowest. I wish instead of a fasten seatbelt light, there was a fasten lips light. The only thing I think could make this worse than Russell Wilson doing high knees up and down the aisle is if it was Russell Wilson trying to initiate the conversation. Could you even imagine? You’re trying to get a little shut-eye or maybe watch Fast 9 when all of a sudden the guy next to you, who is oddly wearing a full Broncos uniform with pads, taps you on the shoulder and asks, “Hey, you ever do anything dangerous?”

4. Fire me

What’s up, Lane Kiffin?

3. High knees in the aisle

Look, I know. This may seem low in the power rankings of the most annoying things people can do on a flight. Because whether you were trying to catch a nap, maybe eat your pretzels, and/or watch a bad movie that will be infinitely better because you’re on a flight, someone doing calesthetics down the aisle would be distracting and annoying as hell. I get that. But I’d much rather put up with someone getting some cardio in as soon as the fasten seat belt sign turns off, then deal with the next two things on this list.

However, that doesn’t make doing high knees on a flight ok. Hell, even terrorists hijacking planes are courteous enough to not do high knees before storming the cockpit. To me, it’s very look-at-me-Louie. Like we get it dude, you’re trying to heal up before your London game and don’t want to waste any time. But on a flight when everyone’s already tired and stressed from traveling?

Plus, those overseas flights usually offer free movies. And good ones at that. For my one and only trip to London (for the Titans-Chargers game at Wembley – the ending sucked), I knocked out two movies on the flight: Truth or Dare (the ending also sucked) and Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (the whole thing sucked). Russ, watch a movie. Let it humanize you a little bit. I’m not asking. I’m begging. Please. Not for you, but for the rest of us.

2. Take their shoes off

I’ve never understood this one. It’s a plane, not a Payless. What the hell are you doing taking your shoes off? Even if you’re in flip-flops. You’re not at the beach yet. This isn’t your home. No one wants to see your fungus-filled toes and bunions. And we certainly don’t want to see them propped up on the seat in front of you. And I’m not even coming at this from a germs standpoint – even though I very well could. I just think it’s inconsiderate and gross for you to go all Johnny Appleseed on an airplane. I mean damn. Even Sasquatch would wear shoes on a plane.

1. Standing up as soon as a flight lands

I know this has kind of become the cliché to thing to complain about on flights, but that’s only because this is, without question, the most annoying thing anyone can do on a flight. And so many people still do it. I just flew on Sunday, and almost as soon as wheels hit tarmac, people were standing up grabbing their luggage out of the overhead compartment. Why?! Where the hell do you think you’re going? We’re in a cylinder tube. And we’re not even to the gate yet. And on top of all of that, we’re in a freaking single-file line. You’re not going to be able to Dr. Strange yourself to the gate, so sit your ass back down. Not that I love sitting next to you, because I don’t, but I certainly like it more than being eye level with your crotch. And the worst people are the ones who stand up and aren’t even in an aisle seat. They have to do that awkward head tilt to keep from scraping their scalp on the flight attendant pager button. No way that’s good for your neck, so just sit back down. Honestly – and I’m not sure who needs to hear this – but you don’t even need to stand up until the row two rows ahead of you (or maybe even the row directly ahead of you) stands up to get their bags. The same people who stand as soon as a flight lands are probably the same people who love doing the wave at sporting events. Or so you’d think, but if that were the case, you’d think they’d understand the simple philosophy of not standing until the people in the row ahead of you are standing. In my opinion, standing up on a flight before it reaches the gate might be the worst thing you can do as a human. Next to genocide, of course.

We don’t do honorable mentions, because there is no honor in a mention… BUT if we did: eating a smelly kind of food on a flight would be it. Anywhere from tuna to most any food item that’s heated up, to – I love fast food, but… – most warm fast food items. The smell is just too much to bear for a glorified grownup playground tunnel with seats.

The post In Honor of Russell Wilson Doing High Knees, Here Are The Top 5 Worst Things You Can Do On A Flight appeared first on Korked Bats.

For my day job, I host a morning radio show in Chicago. This morning we posted a video of my cohost and I at Country Thunder Wisconsin playing a football toss game.

The video did pretty well numbers wise (not to brag), but then I started to notice that many of the comments that were coming in were similar.

I dunno. What do you guys think? This is me…

And this is the guy from Dude Perfect.

Again… guy from Dude Perfect.

And me.

Is it there? *sigh* I guess.

This isn’t the first I’ve heard this.

My boss hit me with this shortly after I started in Chicago. I’ve had people tell me their kids believe it to be true. And of course a few people here and there on Twitter. But now it’s starting to become widespread. I mentioned it on Twitter today and people are starting to catch on.

Then the damn Cineboiz put together this photo.

Look, I’ve got nothing against the Dude Perfect guys. I know they sometimes get a lot of hate online, but that’s only because they’re literally making millions doing what all of us wish we could be doing: recording yourself doing trick shots with your friends. Plus, they’re just positive, good dudes. And people hate positivity on the internet. Do they go overly hyped for literally everything?

Dude Perfect Guy 1: Bro, I just got off the phone with my mom.

Other Dude Perfect Guys: WHAT?! WHHOOOAAAAAA!!! SSSSSIIIIICCCKKK!!! LETTTT’SSSS GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Maybe. But if you’re gonna hate them for that, then you’ve got a big ol’ stick up your but. The only problem I have is that now people like me, generic looking white guys with beards and backwards caps are now screwed. We will always be compared to the bearded guy on Dude Perfect. (His name is Tyler Toney, btw.) It kinda sucks. It’s probably very similar to what white dudes with bald heads go through being compared to anyone from Patrick Stewart to Adam Silver to Powder.

All in all, I guess there are worse people to be compared to. Way worse. Like Powder. But let me just lament, ok?

Anyway, until next time. Pound it. Noggin.

The post That Dude From Dude Perfect Has Ruined Wearing Backwards Hats And Having Beards For The Rest Of Us appeared first on Korked Bats.

Apple can go eat a massive pile of dirt.

I’m extremely pissed off with that half-eaten fruit right now. My laptop screen went black the other day. Like black black. To the point where I can’t even turn the lapper on. I could hear the startup chime but that was it. I tried everything you could think of and/or Google. Nothing worked. Like my screen. The most annoying part? I literally just paid a hefty price to fix this exact issue no more than a year ago. September to be exact. And now the same issue is happening again. Only this time, Apple told me there was nothing they could do. Keep in mind, this is the same company that refers to their Geek Squad of engineers as GENIUSES. They told me they couldn’t touch the damn thing because of the upcoming date on the calendar.

July 31st.

Korked Bats’ birthday, no less.

The reason that date is important is that on that date my laptop becomes “vintage.” And not like the cool type of vintage where you just found a retro Indiana Pacers rope hat in your dad’s attic, but more so the type of vintage where Apple will refuse to fix any product of a certain age after that date. Ridiculous right? How can a tech company refuse to offer service on their own products that are a half-decade old? That’s not even too old for Leonardo DiCaprio. Do the parents of Apple employees do the same with their children? Right when they turn old enough for kindergarten they send them on their way and tell them they can’t help them anymore? Here’s more kickers. They said if they tried to repair it in-store and needed to order parts, but those parts didn’t arrive before July 31, they would cancel the order, or if they sent the laptop away to be fixed, and it’s not done by July 31, it would be lost forever. I legit felt like I was on a hidden camera show when the dude was telling me this. “Coming this fall to Apple TV+!” But alas, I was not. But hey, maybe I could trade in the lapper for a newer model? Right? So the guy checked. I’d get $0.00 for it. Great, grand, awesome. So my only option now was to take the laptop home with me and keep it as a souvenir, to remember all the good times we had when the screen actually worked. Seriously. That was my ONLY OPTION. Take the thing home and use it as an expensive paperweight. Do people still use paperweights or are they as outdated as Apple thinks my 2016 laptop is?

Now, I should point out that I’m writing this on my walk back from the Lincoln Park Apple Store on my Apple iPhone, while listening to my Apple Air Pods, and tracking my steps on my Apple Watch. And later, I’ll probably have to finish this blog on my wife’s iPad. Admittedly, I’m in the cult. In fact, I’m too far deep into the cult. Like Tom Cruise with Scientology. I think I want out, but they have too much dirt on me. And if I threatened to leave, that’s when they’d come out with a new product that I HAVE TO HAVE. But that product will be “vintage” and essentially obsolete in half a decade too. But I’m still pretty sure I want out. This company has done less work while appearing to be busy than most of us at our daily jobs. While they should be on the clock actually fixing products, they’re constantly pooping on company time. When was the last time Apple did something innovative? And I know that’s never really been their song and dance. They’re never first to market with a product, but they’re better. But honestly, when was the last time they were better too? Amazon, that damn online bookstore, has been more innovative and produced better products than that rotting apple core.

Steve Jobs didn’t die for this. John Appleseed did not die for this. Tim Apple did not die for this. Mainly because that doofus is still alive screwing up the company I used to love the most.

And look, I know this whole blog is a total first-world problems. But guess what? We live in the first world. And it’s a problem.

Eat a massive pile of dirt, Apple.

The post EAT A MASSIVE PILE OF DIRT, APPLE! appeared first on Korked Bats.

I’m sure plenty of you will be heartbroken by this news; Choco Tacos are a top-tier ice cream selection for some people, and have been since their inception in the 1980s. I was certainly known to chow down on them when I was a kid. So it brings me no joy to be the bearer of bad news. Social media rumors don’t always prove to be true, but in the case of the Choco Taco, this one is sadly based in fact. RIP, Choco Taco, 1984-2022.

via The Takeout

Today is a tough day. Arguably the toughest Taco Tuesday of all time. Because today your tacos will be sprinkled with not only beef, lettuce and cheese, but also tears.

Am I to blame for this tasty treat’s demise? Maybe. Not to the level you try to pin on me for Bob Saget’s death, but I will admit, there were many times I passed on a Choco Taco for a strawberry shortcake bar, maybe a Drumstick, or quite possibly a frozen Snickers – not often for the Snickers bar though, because let’s be real, I’m not not made of money – but there were many times where I thought about getting a Choco Taco! And it’s the thought that counts, right? Unfortunately, not in capitalism.

But today isn’t a day for pointing fingers. That’s left for literally every other day on the Internet. Today is all about remembering what was lost. In the power rankings of Hispanic desserts, it goes #3. the mints you get at the cash register, #2. flan, and in the top overall spot, #1. The Choco Taco. And sure, ice cream sandwiches walked so Choco Tacos could run, but that’s also like saying Bob Cousy paved the way for Michael Jordan. They’re two different athletes with one being far superior in every single way. The Choco Taco stands alone. Or I guess I should say stood alone.

I remember when Taco Bell used to house the Choco Taco as its only desert alternative to the way-to-stale cinni-twists. This was back in the days of the quintessential 90s, back when Taco Bell interior was designed like a Lisa Frank wet dream. But now, like the old Saved By The Bell opening credits design of the old Taco Bell’s, the Choco Taco is nothing more than a fragment of our imagination. Gone to live with Toys R Us, pogs, Circuit City, and Tamagotchi’s in the great nostalgia in the sky. RIP in peace, ol’ friend. Buenos noches.

I will now open up the floor for eulogies of our favorite taco dessert.

The post 2022 Took Another Legend, RIP In Peace To The Choco Taco appeared first on Korked Bats.