Edward Charles “Chuck” Knoblauch

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Born in Houston, TX in 1968, Chuck Knoblauch knew he would have to work extra hard to overcome the obstacle of having a name that in German literally means “Charles Garlic“.

He spent twelve seasons in the MLB where he racked up four all star selections, four World Series rings, a Gold Glove, two Silver Slugger Awards, and an AL Rookie of the Year Title. Not bad for little second baseman who looks like Rob Dyrdek.

As far as stats an accolades go, that’s all I got. After all, Korked Bats Random Athlete of the Month isn’t about cliche career resume regurgitation. Its about all the other stuff I can find on Wikipedia about the given subject.

Stuff like the time he kissed his days with the Twins goodbye by demanding a trade. How can you blame the guy? Who wants to live in Minnesota and play for a team that uses Hefty Bags for it’s outfield wall?

Twins fans didn’t appreciate his demand. So they did what every appreciative, classy fan would do and pelted him with hot dogs, beer bottles, and golf balls in a return trip to the Metrodome in 2001.

With the Yankees, his once impeccable defensive abilities began to squander. Errant throws to first base became so commonplace, Knoblauch was reassigned to left field. There is no confirmation whether or not hitting Keith Olbermann’s mother in the face with a ball had anything to do with this decision.

Wait a second, Chuck Knoblauch hit Keith Olbermann’s mom in the face with a baseball? That’s the most random thing I’ve ever heard. Yes, it happened.

To finish off his career with as little bang as humanly possible, Knoblauch signed with the Kansas City Royals. In K.C., Chuck hit an abysmal .210 and was ultimately let go by the organization. I think he sucked on purpose. Who wants to play for the Royals?

No, that was a dumb comment. I would like to play for the Royals and I bet you would, too.

Enough about this baseball nonsense. Let’s get to the juicy stuff. Like this:

Yep, that’s a Chuck Knoblauch mug shot. He hit and choked his wife in 2009. Not cool.

He was also mentioned in the 2007 Mitchell Report as a user of performance enhancing drugs. Again, not cool. I’m not sure what this picture has to do with him being mentioned in the Mitchell Report, but I just wanted to show you how blue his ex wife’s eyes are.

And so I leave you with this: an awkward Nolan Ryan baseball card I found while searching for images of Chuck Knoblauch.

The post Random Athlete of the Month – June 2011 appeared first on Korked Bats.

Bernabé Williams-Figueroa

(In America: Bernie Williams)

Happy May everybody! Who doesn’t love the month school ends, Cinco De Mayo happens, and flowers are brought via April showers? Well, you can now add another notable feature to May (this year at least) as Korked Bats is announcing Bernie Williams to the Random Athlete of the Month Fraternity.

I know what you’re thinking. “Bernie Williams was still playing like 3 years ago. He’s not that random.” Well, I’m running out of random athlete ideas, his last MLB appearance was October 1st, 2006, and his excitement level was so low considering his career numbers that I just had to go with him.

As made apparent by the painfully nerdy spectacles, Bernie, like most teenage boys, was torn between classical guitar and baseball growing up in Puerto Rico. However, on his 17th birthday, Bernie was given a professional baseball contract with the New York Yankees. He signed the contract, putting his career as a classical guitarist on the back burner. (But oh no, his love for classical guitar-ing didn’t fall by the wayside. We’ll get to that later.)

Injuries to Roberto Kelly and Danny Tartabull led the Yankees to call up young Bernie to the majors, and ultimately began his career as a major league ball player.

Early in his career, Yankees’ owner George Steinbrenner and manager Buck Showalter disagreed on Bernie. George wanted to get rid of him citing his lack of stolen bases (considering his speed), weak throwing arm, and lack of hitting power. Luckily for Williams, the Yankees kept him around long enough to hit his breakout season in 1995 when he led the team in runs, hits, total bases, and stolen bases.

He had a good playing career, yadda, yadda, yadda, and his contract expired in 2006. He would never play in the majors again.

…But that leads us back to him playing the classical guitar, the aspect of Bernie’s life that everyone is most interested in.

He’s nearly as good at the classical guitar as he is at looking like Hines Ward. Which means he’s pretty darn good. In fact, he was nominated for a Latin Grammy for this album:

He also made a guest appearance in Twisted Sister’s recent concert. Wait, what? That’s honestly on my list of things that I would never say in my life, “Bernie Williams made a guest appearance at a Twisted Sister concert.” Well, I guess I can scratch that off now since I just said it.

The post Random Athlete of the Month – May 2011 appeared first on Korked Bats.

I’m going to be honest, when I first decided to go with Vin Baker as this month’s random athlete, I was fairly certain he was a mediocre player from the past that would make people say, “I remember that guy! I want to learn more about his life!” That’s what you say every time we name a new random athlete, right?

Well, it didn’t take me long to realize this man was a borderline superstar. Where was I during the 90s and early 2000s? Did you know Vin was the 1993 A-10 Player of the Year? Did you know he appeared in four consecutive All-Star games? Did you know he was a two-time All-NBA team member, and a three-time gold medal winner (including the 2000 Dream Team)?

Did I just ask way too many questions in a blog post in which I can’t reasonably expect to get a response? تنزيل لعبة الروليت Was that a question too?

I need to stop.

Well, Vin Baker was all of that.

Drafted 8th overall in 1993 by the Milwaukee Bucks from the NCAA powerhouse University of Hartford, Baker had a great run in the NBA as made obvious by the accolades I previously mentioned. His “good years” were spent with the Bucks and SuperSonics. Then the NBA lockout happened in 1998.

Following the lockout, Vin pulled a Phil Fulmer JaMarcus Russell Bruce Pearl Mark Mangino Rosie O’Donnell (fat jokes are suddenly irrelevant) and ballooned to around 300 lbs. Baker later revealed he was a recovering alcoholic and admitted to binge drinking in hotel rooms after poor performances. In fact, while playing for the Boston Celtics, Baker was confronted by head coach Jim O’Brien after smelling of alcohol during practice. He was suspended and later released.

The Knicks picked him up, took a picture of him that would later be used on a sports blog as the featured picture for their Random Athlete Of The Month honor, and set him free to let his career spiral down with the Rockets, Clippers, and Timberwolves.

Life after basketball for Vin has been a bit rough. قمار على النت After a stint as a morning show DJ on Party 104.9 in Houston, Texas, Baker opened a seafood restaurant in Connecticut. The restaurant has since been foreclosed. ربح مال حقيقي من النت

In 2007 Baker was arrested for drunk driving after leaving a casino in Norwich, Connecticut. The following year his 10,000 sq. ft. home was foreclosed and put up for sale for $2.3 million.

Pretty rough, huh? There’s even more. Vin Baker’s current gig is in the 9th grade ranks as the head coach of the Old Saybrook High School freshman basketball team.

The freshman team. Not the varsity team. The freshman team. The man played in the NBA was only able to land a freshman basketball head coaching job. That should be encouraging news to potential basketball coaches out there.

I leave you with an uncomfortable to watch halftime speech to his team of 15-year old boys (Note: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE watch the very end after they huddle up. Number 15. That’s all I need to say):

The post Random Athlete of the Month – April 2011 appeared first on Korked Bats.

Detlef Schrempf

Known for looking like Jigsaw from the SAW movies in the picture above and also having the best name in the history of names, Detlef Schrempf was a staple to the early-mid 90’s quasi-powerhouse that was the Seattle SuperSonics (which is also known for having the best nickname in the history of nicknames). Detlef, a German man much like Adolf Hitler and any other man who is German, moved to the United States his senior year of high school. He attended the University of Washington where I presume he embraced the the Hitler stereotype by the fact he sported a blond version of the “Hitler Stache”. Check out that rookie card (left).

Interestingly, despite his vomit-inducing looks, the Dallas Mavericks selected Detlef eighth overall in the 1985 NBA Draft. He played with the Dallas Mavericks and the Indiana Pacers in his early years culminating with an All-Star appearance in 1993, his final season with the Pacers.

Schrempf was traded to the Seattle SuperSonics in 1993 where he made two more All-Star teams as well as an NBA Finals appearance in 1996.

Detlef is married and has two sons, including one named Alex who plays basketball for UCLA. Now, I’m not one to spread rumors, but after looking at his “son”, if I were Detlef, I might be a little weary of the African-American mailman that my wife was a little too friendly with back in my playing days. Or maybe Shawn Kemp or Gary Payton have some explaining to do, because that kid ain’t Detlef’s.

After that thorough journalistic biographical masterpiece I just graced you with, I leave you with this,

A live performance of the song “Detlef Schrempf” by the Band of Horses:

The post Random Athlete of the Month – March 2011 appeared first on Korked Bats.

February is a special month, not only here at Korked Bats, but across America. February contains Valentines Day AND Presidents Day, and not to mention, it’s Black History Month and it’s racist-ly shorter than all other months, and most importantly the month lucky enough to possess my day of birth.

(It’s the 26th. I’ll accept payment via PayPal if you’ve procrastinated purchasing my gift.)

So when selecting a Random Athlete of the Month this month, we had to find someone special. That special man is Bobby Bonilla. And he turns 48 today. That’s right. Today is Bobby Bonilla’s birthday!

Roberto Martin Antonio “Bobby” Bonilla was signed in 1985 by the Pittsburgh Pirates straight out of high school. Unfortunately, he never played a game for the Black & Yellow due to a collision with Bip Roberts (yes, that guy) in spring training which ended in a broken leg for Bonilla.

He was then picked up by the Chicago White Sox where he was apparently “bullied” by veteran players who would play pranks on young Bobby such as “putting shaving cream in his shoes”. I’m not making that up. Wikipedia told me. They’re the closest thing to historical fact mankind has to its disposal. I can only imagine the mental and emotional damage such heartless acts could do to a soon to be multi-millionaire baseball superstar.

After what I presume to be countless nights of crying himself to sleep, Bonilla made the Pirates guilty of Indian giving and was resigned by Pittsburgh where he played third base, for two seasons. Why only two seasons? Because he was terrible and somehow managed to commit 67 errors over those two years. His manager, Jim Leyland, did what all baseball coaches do with their worst defensive players from T-Ball on, he sent him to right field.

The rest of Bonilla’s career was marred with bad decisions. Some say, and by some I mean myself, Bonilla’s bad behavior started after he decided to to pose for the baseball card pictured to the right wearing a shirt that Bill Cosby wouldn’t wear. In 1989 he was reprimanded for assaulting the Pirates’ clubhouse attendant. In 1993 he threatened sports writer Bob Klapisch saying he would “show him the Bronx” (whatever that means) in response to Klapisch’s book “The Worst Team Money Could Buy: The Collapse of the New York Mets.” Later in his Mets career, Bobby called the press box during a game to argue an error attributed to him. Now we’re really dating Bobby. He had to actually call the press box rather than use Twitter to convey his disapproval.

After stints with the Orioles, Marlins, and Dodgers, Bonilla returned to the Mets where in game six of the 1999 NLCS, Bobby spent the entirety of the 11 inning game playing cards with 342 year old Rickey Henderson in the clubhouse.

In some strange delayed payment plan, beginning in July of this year, the New York Mets will pay Bonillia $1,193,248.20 every July 1 from 2011 until 2035. I have never heard of such a thing and am highly jealous  he is somehow pulling this off.

Oh yea, he was also in the movie Rookie of the Year.

Unfortunately I was unable to find a Bobby Bonilla desktop wallpaper for you to use, so you’ll have to settle for the next best thing I could find, a high resolution shot of Bobby with an overweight Boston Red Sox fan in a bar where guys wear cowboy hats.

The post Random Athlete of the Month – February 2011 appeared first on Korked Bats.

Rik Smits

Happy New Year everybody! You know what the new year brings right? Yep, you guessed it, 12 more KB Random Athletes of the Month! Of course since this is the first RAOTM of 2011, we had to find somebody special. We did just that. His name is Rick Smith Rik Smits, and he is a legend.

Born with LucLongleyitis (a disease that attacks your parents’ brain functionality when deciding on the proper spelling of your first name) and Gheorge Muresan Syndrome (a horrible disorder that causes its victims to grow into tall, ugly, foreigners, Rik Smits faced quite a bit of adversity growing up in the streets of the Netherlands.

The Dunkin’ Dutchman (yes, that’s seriously his nickname) attended Marist College where he will go down as the best athlete to ever attend that university. Other notable alumni include the president of 1-800FLOWERS.com, the co-founder of Priceline.com, and Bill O’Reilly. Talk about notable alumni! Wowzers!

Smits was drafted by the Indiana Pacers where he spent his entire career playing second fiddle to Cheryl Miller’s brother. In his first season, Smits was named to the All Rookie squad as a first teamer. That award coupled with his All Star selection in 1998 were Rik’s only two accolades during his playing career. Poor Rik. He deserved better than that.

Considering an assumed shoe size of roughly 31 and a half, it is no surprise Rik battled foot problems throughout his career. Following the 1999-2000 season which saw the Pacers lose to the Lakers in the NBA Finals, Smits called it a career.

Since retirement, Rik was named to the Indiana Pacers 40th Anniversary Team. Gotta love those 40th year anniversary teams. He received the fourth most votes by fans.

Nowadays Rik spends his time collecting and restoring vintage motocross motorcycles. I wish I could find a video of this.

I leave you with this, a Rik Smits wallpaper (click here to download):

The post Random Athlete of the Month – January 2011 appeared first on Korked Bats.

Jeff Hornacek

To this day, I still find it hard to fathom the man pictured above played in the NBA for 15 years. He did however, and that is why he is December’s Random Athlete of the Month. After lighting up the Elementary School Circuits at Komarek Elementary School in North Riverside, Illinois, Jeff went on to make a name for himself at Gurrie Middle School. His skills continued to flourish at Township High School where he received and accepted a scholarship offer to play basketball for the Cyclones of Iowa State.

Actually he didn’t. He was a walk-on. I don’t understand, but whatever. I guess I would have a hard time giving an athletic scholarship to a guy that looked like Jeff.

At Iowa State, Hornacek went to a Sweet 16, set the Big 8 record for assists with 665, and got his jersey retired and into the rafters. Not bad for a guy that looks like a canoeing instructor.

After being drafted 46th overall in the 1986 NBA Draft by the Phoenix Suns, Jeff went on to play for the Philadelphia 76ers and Utah Jazz before retiring in 2000. His accomplishments were a plenty, so I’ve decided to rank them from 5 to 1 in order of awesomeness (1 being the most awesome, of course).

5. Elected to NBA All-Star Team in 1992

4. 2x All-Star Three-Point Champion (1998 & 2000)

3. Set NBA record for consecutive 3 pointers made in single game with 8

2. All-Star 2Ball Champion along with WNBA legend Natalie Williams in 2000

1. Set the record for most wipes to the right cheek before taking a foul shot in NBA history. Amazing.

This cheek touchage was a way for him to say hello to his 3 kids at home before he drained free throws at an astounding rate of 87.7%

Since retirement, Jeff has been dabbling in the coaching profession, but hasn’t quite gotten very far. As far as I understand, after doing some extensive research, Hornacek is currently a “special assistant” for the Utah Jazz whatever that means.

So I leave you with this:

The post Random Athlete of The Month – December 2010 appeared first on Korked Bats.

Az-Zahir Hakim

Best known as a risky fantasy option during the Rams’ glory years of the late 90s and early 2000s, Az-Zahir Hakim was a Muslim wide receiver from Los Angeles, CA (The ‘was’ is in reference to him being a wide receiver, not a Muslim. I’m pretty sure he’s still a Muslim. However, I guess you could argue he’s still a wide receiver too, just not on a team. And he’s still from Los Angeles, CA because where you are from never changes. So, I suppose I should go back and erase ‘was’ and replace it with ‘is’. Nah, that’s too many backspaces. I’ll just leave this entirely too long parenthetical side thought alone, mainly because I’ve never used the word ‘parenthetical’ before.).

Anyway, Az-Zahir (which coincidentally was my parents’ second choice for a name behind Frank) attended high school at Fairfox High in Los Angeles. While there, Hakim was an all-city selection at quarterback, wide receiver, and defensive back. He also played basketball and ran track. In contrast, I atteneded Brentwood High School in Brentwood, TN where I was a four-year TV Production student and was cut from the baseball team when I tried out junior year.

Despite Az-Zahir’s high school success, he was only able to secure a scholarship offer from Whale’s V****a State San Diego State. Starting with his sophomore season, Hakim was able to pull something off that is rarely done in collegiate athletics. He got worse every year. After a 57 reception sophomore season, Az-Zahir went on to have seasons of 37 and 36 receptions.

That strong work ethic and will to get better with each passing day did not go unnoticed by NFL scouts as Hakim was drafted in the fourth round of the 1998 draft by the St. Louis Rams.

After a lackluster rookie season, Az-Zahir went on to have the best season of his career in his sophomore campaign (Are you noticing a trend yet? If not, you don’t have a very complex brain). In 1999, Hakim caught 39 passes for 677 yards and 8 scores. He also won a Super Bowl ring, but we wont speak of that because it was against the Titans and they were a yard short and I still haven’t gotten over it yet so leave me alone.

He had a good year the next year and after that slowly began to fade into the abyss all 3rd WRs fade into after a few seasons. You know, the same abyss Chris Sanders faded into. But who cares, stats about Az-Zahir Hakim are boring.

In 2009 Az-Zahir signed a contract with the Las Vegas Locomotives of the UFL. After a quick visit to ufl-football.com, I see he no longer is in the league. I don’t know why and I don’t care. Neither should you.

So I leave you with one last fact: Az-Zahir Hakim opened a burger joint he called “Quickies” in Tempe, AZ.

If you have any suggestions for a future “Random Athlete of the Month” please send an email to frank@korkedbats.com.

The post Random Athlete of the Month – November 2010 appeared first on Korked Bats.

Lenny Dykstra

A career .285 hitter, Lenny Dykstra is remembered as a solid lefty leadoff batter who played outfield for the New York Mets and the Philadelphia Phillies. He also appears to be a major proponent of hair gel during athletics and taking dips, really huge golf ball-esque dips with a white stripe I cant figure out what it is.

After leading the Carolina League in at-bats, runs, hits, triples, batting average, stolen bases, and pog collection, Dykstra was selected in the 13th round of the 1981 MLB Draft by the New York Mets. Lenny became a full time starter in 1986 when the team decided to cut baseball legend irrelevant left fielder George Foster. Soon fans fell in love with Dykstra, nicknaming him “Nails” for his tough-as-nails personality and fearless play. He apparently liked the name and posed for this beefcake poster. Hot.

The definitive moment in Dykstra’s career also came in 1986 when he hit a leadoff home run to start Game 3 of the World Series proving to be the spark the Mets needed after falling behind in the series 0-2. The Mets eventually took the series from the Boston Red Sox. I think this play had something to do with it, too.

The Mets traded Lenny to the Philadelphia Phillies in 1989. According to teammate Keith Hernandez, Dykstra was on the “wild and crazy side”, which he cites as one of the reasons the Mets decided to trade him.

His best season came in 1990 where he started in the All Star Game, led the league in hits, and finished fourth in batting average.

Then his career started to decline. In 1991 he crashed his car into a tree Tiger Woods style. Only difference is the fact that Dykstra was actually driving drunk, whereas Tiger was trying to escape being battered by his wife. He suffered fractured ribs, a broken cheekbone, and a fractured collarbone.

Continuing his obsession with running into things that have been standing immobile for years leading to a broken collarbone, Dykstra ran into the outfield wall in 1991 and, well, broke his collarbone.

Dykstra, we’ll call him “The Dyke”, err never mind. Scratch that. Dykstra proved to still have something in his tank in 1993 when he led the league in runs, hits, walks, at-bats, and was runner up to Barry Bonds (remember him?) in voting for the MVP of the National League.

After hurting himself far too many times, Dykstra decided to retire in 1998 at the age of 35 and did what most ex-ballplayers do upon retirement. He opened a car wash in Corona, California.

Dykstra was sued in 2005 by his former business partner who claimed Lenny used steroids and advised individuals to bet on Phillies games in 1993, when he was on the team.

Then, Lenny Dykstra became a hugely successful businessman who managed his own stock portfolio, served as the president of several of his privately held companies, including car washes, quick lube centers, gas stations, a real estate development company, and a new venture to develop several “I Sold it on eBay” stores throughout Southern California. With the money made from all of these businesses, Lenny was able to purchase Wayne Gretzky’s $17 million estate (pictured below).

That was a random and highly surprising paragraph.

This is where Lenny’s life started getting pretty bad. After doing a bunch of boring illegal business things I wont waste your time with, Dykstra, much like the University of Tennessee Athletic Department, became the subject of over two dozen legal actions since 2007.

He filed for bankruptcy. He lost his Gretzky house which was said to have substantial water damage, torn up flooring, missing toilets, littered throughout with empty beer bottles, trash, dog feces and urine, and other “unmentionables”. He started living out of his car and in hotel lobbies in 2009.

He was also mentioned in the Mitchell Report as a steroid user.

Wow. If I knew how depressing the story of Lenny Dykstra was going to end before I started writing this I probably would have picked someone different, like Tino Martinez.

So, uh, yea, Lenny Dykstra’s life is worse than yours right now.

If you have any suggestions for a future “Random Athlete of the Month” that could possibly have an uplifting ending, please send an email to frank@korkedbats.com.

The post Random Athlete of the Month – October 2010 appeared first on Korked Bats.

Lucien James “Luc” Longley

Awarded the Most Boring Player On The Bulls During Their 90’s Dynasty Not Named Bill Winnington Trophy in 2010 (by me), Lucien Longley gave hope to all uncoordinated gingers across the globe. I will refer to him as ‘Lucien’ as opposed to ‘Luc’ for the duration of this post because I just found out that is his real name after building up years of anger at the way he spelled ‘Luke’. By the way, I suspect most of you are mesmerized by the above graphic showing Lucien with what I so wish was an inner thigh tattoo floating a 1975-esque hook shot over equally as unexciting player, Greg Ostertag (a name my father called me when I got a similar haircut as a child forcing me to grow my hair back out as fast as I could.). Well, you’ll be happy to find out that is in fact a desktop wallpaper and the high resolution version can be found at this link.

You see that continent there? Somehow it was unable to yield any NBA talent until freak athlete, Lucien, came along and restored hope to a country better known as a hotbed for wildlife experts and safarists. That’s not a word. I know. I don’t care.

You may not know this, and I really hope you don’t, but Lucien Longley played college ball for New Mexico where he averaged 19.1 points and 9.2 rebounds per game his senior season as a byproduct of his abnormal 7′ 2″ height, not his talent. For some reason, the Minnesota Timberwolves must have just made a careless error and drafted Lucien number 7 overall in the 1991 NBA Draft. After 2 seasons of playing as well as he looks, Minnesota decided they had been putting up with that annoying Australian accent for far too long and traded him to the Chicago Bulls for the uber-talented Stacey King.

Luckily for Lucien, the Chicago Bulls had these guys:

Did Lucien play a pivotal role in the 3 straight NBA championships he won in Chicago? Absolutely not.

After the Bulls dynasty broke up, Longley was traded to the Phoenix Suns where his career finally started to get interesting. No, not because he became a relevant basketball player, but because of two injuries he suffered that were about as off the wall as they come. Lucien was bitten TWICE by a SCORPION while sitting on the floor of his home sorting through his CD collection. “I’ll be the first player ever to have `DNP-(posterior) bite’ on the box score,” said Longley. Ya think? He also missed 18 games with a separated shoulder after thinking it was a good idea to take his 7′ 2″ frame body surfing.

In 2007, Longley’s $2 million house burned down and he cried. It looked something like this:

Finally, in perhaps the most random part of this entire piece on Lucien Longley, in 2009 after years of marine conservation efforts, Longley named a newly discovered shrimp species ‘Lebbeus Clarehanna” after his 15 year old daughter, Clare Hanna. He won the naming rights on eBay. I’m not joking.

I leave you with this, a video that makes Lucien Longley appear to be better at basketball than he really is.

If you have any suggestions for a future “Random Athlete of the Month” or just want to tell me how much you dislike me, please send an email to frank@korkedbats.com.

The post Random Athlete Of The Month – September 2010 appeared first on Korked Bats.