DALLAS — Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott has tested positive for COVID-19, in what might be the least shocking news of 2020, and since a positive test requires a mandatory 14-day quarantine, the team decided to place him in their Salvation Army kettle until the quarantine is lifted.

“Honestly, that giant bucket was our only option since it’s the only place no one goes,” one team official said. “Well, it was either there or Jerry Jones’ party bus, but Zeke probably would’ve caught a lot more diseases just by walking on to that bus.”

Another idea was to just have Elliott live with Dez Bryant since he “never catches anything,” but that idea was quickly batted down like a Dak Prescott pass.

A Cowboys spokesman confirmed Zeke won’t be able to move into the bucket until after tomorrow because Mike McCarthy has been using it as an ice cream bowl during the summer and it will need to be cleaned out. Although, Zeke did offer to help spoon food out of a giant bowl.

It still isn’t 100% sure if the leaked news of Elliott’s positive COVID test is true, or if it’s just an excuse he’s using to hold out of practicing, because if there’s one thing Zeke doesn’t like, it’s shirts that are long enough to be tucked in. But if there are two things he doesn’t like, it’s shirts that are long enough to be tucked in and practicing.

One doctor added, “Cowboys fans should look at the bright side. This news actually gives them an excuse to point to when the team inevitably fails to win the Super Bowl for the 26th year in a row.”

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“I don’t know how they’ve managed to secure some of the talent they’ve had, but I plan on making a call to [athletic director] Philip Fulmer for advice,” Major General Frank M. Muth said. “They must be doing more than just setting up card tables in school cafeterias and giving away stress balls at career fairs.”

“We’re not talking about our football program, either. We’re talking about our nation’s actual army,” the Major General said. “Tennessee has built a stable defense that we sure could use for America.”

Tennessee made a giant leap up in the recruiting rankings to #2 in the country, #1 in the SEC, and #1 amongst United States armed forces.

According to 247, the Volunteers have secured 21 players in their 2021 recruiting class, including a few 5-stars, many 4-stars, and even a 6-star, which isn’t even a thing, and yet Tennessee somehow still got one.

Meanwhile, both the Coast Guard and Rutgers have yet to sign anyone for the 2021 season.

The influx of recruits has even gotten those in Washington D.C to take notice. “Pretty soon the Vol Navy is going to be stronger than our actual Navy,” Chad Wolf, the secretary of Homeland Security said. “Tennessee’s recruiting has been so strong, if we went to war against them right now, we’d probably lose. Unless we made allies with Georgia State.”

It should be noted that the influx of recruiting has happened for the 2021 class, which means Tennessee will probably disappoint everyone for at least one more season, but after that Neyland Stadium will be the new Fort Knox(ville). This, of course, is according to literally any Tennessee fan you ask. According to reports, Tennessee’s recruiting success has led them to unveil a new slogan for the 2021 season: “Be Vol You Can Be.”

College football recruiting experts have referred to the Vols’ 2021 class as Earth-shifting, monumental, and titanic, which is good because nothing bad ever happened to the Titanic.

However, this shift in the recruiting landscape has drawn criticism and suspicion from some. “There’s no way Tennessee isn’t paying their recruits,” one rival fan said. “They’re at least paying them more than my school is offering, which isn’t fair! That’s cheating!”

When asked if he has slipped any money to Tennessee’s 2021 recruits one anonymous Tennessee booster said, “No, of course not… We’re in an era of quarantine and social distancing.” He then continued, “So I wired the money to him.” The booster added, “Look, my sportsman lodge and yacht club are closed, we’re saving money on gas by not driving, so I had to spend that money somewhere!

The booster continued, even though nobody asked him to, “Plus, it’s not like I’m gonna get my wife anything nice. I’m a booster for a college football program. Obviously I have a terrible marriage!”

There is no word yet on whether or not the U.S. Government will try and hire Jeremy Pruitt away from Tennessee, but according to one source, “We could use his persuasiveness, because trotting men in camouflage uniforms in high school cafeterias with free lanyard keychains just isn’t working the way it used to.”

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LOS ANGELES — As a popular random act of kindness, many times you’ll see people pay for the order of the person behind them in line at Starbucks. However, for notable cheapskate Stan Kroenke, owner of the Los Angeles Rams, he recently had the person behind him in line pay for his coffee.

David Kline, 28, a frequent Starbucks customer was shocked when he realized the tab for Kroenke’s drink was left as his responsibility.

“I was just standing in line, minding my own business, when all of a sudden the cashier told me I had to buy the order of the person in front of me,” Kline said. “I mean, it was bad enough I had to stair at his hairpiece while in line, but then I had to pay for his order too?! Are you kidding me?”

Kroenke’s order wasn’t cheap either. According to Kline, the Rams owner ordered a venti Salted Caramel Mocha Frappucino with three added shots and a melted cake pop drizzled over the top which came out to a whopping $9.47.

“I didn’t even know you could get a melted cake pop drizzled over a drink,” Kline added. “Talk about privilege.” However, it is widely believed that Kroenke will be forced by the NFL to share his drink with the owner of the Chargers.

Kroenke could not be reached for comment as he bolted out of the store almost as quickly as he did St. Louis.

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“After the NCAA canceled the tournament, I just couldn’t make arguments for any team to make it into this year’s field of 68,” Lunardi said.

Lunardi just doesn’t see a way for Duke, Kansas, Gonzaga, Dayton, Baylor, or literally anyone else to sneak into this year’s tournament. The Selection Committee could not be reached for comment as they are all quarantined because they’re all older than 60 years old.

When asked how this year’s tournament would be seeded, Lunardi didn’t hesitate. “Oh, coronavirus is this year’s number one overall seed, no question.”

Coronavirus isn’t even a mid-major. It’s actually a microscopic-major, marking the first time anyone from its division has been seeded in the tournament, let alone the top overall.

So what’s next for Lunardi? “Oh don’t worry about me. I’ll be amongst the First 4 In… bed, because I need a nap,” Lunardi said with a way-too-big of a chuckle.

Indiana head coach Archie Miller could not be reached for comment.

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The men’s Final Four this year was originally scheduled to be held in Atlanta at Mercedes-Benz Stadium, but will now be moved to try and cut costs.

“If there aren’t going to be any fans there, what’s the point of having it at a giant stadium?” Emmert said. “Plus, we need that extra money to not pay our student athletes.”

This will mark the first time the NCAA Men’s Final Four was held in a church gym with a carpeted court. Officials from the NCAA said they are not worried about the event, especially after the commissioner of the CBI Tournament reached out and gave tips as to how they make it work every year.

The Final Four will take place as soon as tables are cleared out from the new members luncheon and will need to be finished in time for the youth group lock-in.

“I’m really hoping the Final Four doesn’t run late,” youth pastor Dylan Keith said while rubbing his goatee. “I have a lot of fun things planned for the kids this year, including a new game called Mushroom Bible Verse Wars.”

When asked if basketball is ever played on that court, Keith said, “Oh fiddlesticks, I didn’t even realize this carpet design made out a basketball court! Would ya look at that!”

Without anybody in attendance, the NCAA isn’t as worried about the spread of coronavirus as much as they are the spread of rugburn.

“It’s not everyday you have to worry about rugburn in basketball, but we’ll be certain to keep our players safe,” an NCAA spokesman said. “And to vacuum the court when we’re done.”

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SOMEWHERE NEAR BOSTON — It appears Tom Brady’s run to become America’s biggest free agent has come to an end according to multiple sources.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, who is set to hit the free agency market this month, announced he is dropping out of the 2020 Free Agency race.

“It has just become too stressful on my family, and I’d rather not spend all the time it will take to tour the country looking at potential suitors.

“Going from team to team for meetings is expensive, and I’d rather spend that valuable time with my family. Especially my son,” Brady said while winking and blowing a kiss to his son. “There’s nothing better than having your family in the room as they watch you receive a massage from our family masseuse, Roman.”

Brady said he knows he made a lot of promises to his supporters, including at least four more years, but he just feels the time is right to bow out of this year’s race.

He also mentioned that he is fully confident in the rest of the free agent quarterbacks’ abilities to lead a team to a Super Bowl. On top of that, in an even more surprising twist, Brady gave his endorsement to free agent-to-be Andy Dalton. Many pundits believe this endorsement was paid for by Dalton’s agent.

“I think he’s the leader that a team looking for a quarterback needs,” Brady said while gritting his teeth. “Plus, they say gingers don’t have souls, which has to be a plus for him. Hell, it worked for me. I sold mine to the devil back in 2000 just before Drew Bledsoe’s injury.”

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Astros Owner Jim Crane opening statement, he said, “We’d like to take this time to apologize for not doing anything wrong. We acknowledge the fact that we did nothing, and we’re sorry. Maybe we should’ve done something wrong so then we could apologize for that too, but we didn’t. And we’re sorry.

“Like opposing team’s signs, we know how this looks,” Crane said. “And we are hoping to move forward, so if you guys could just forget what didn’t happen never happened, that would be splendid.”

Before Crane answered questions, he turned the mic over to Astros third baseman Alex Bregman and second baseman Jose Altuve.

“We… are… very…. sorry… beep beep boop,” Bregman said very robotically. “We… shouldn’t… have done… what… we… didn’t do. Boop.” Bregman did not answer questions, but mainly because smoke started coming out of his ears right before an Astros IT engineer quickly wheeled him away.

Five minutes later, Jose Altuve took the podium. The only reason it took so long for him to speak is because Astros officials needed to find something for him to stand on.

“I is so sorry for not doing anything wrong,” Altuve said. “We understand the repercussions of the actions and this whole thing is Yankees fault.” When asked by a reporter if he meant to say Astros instead of Yankees, Altuve responded, “No way, my name.”

Newly hired Astros manager Dusty Baker went through about 16 toothpicks over the course of the press conference. “Frankly, I’m not even entirely sure why I’m here,” Baker said. “I had nothing to do with this. Hell, I think my record speaks for itself. My managed teams CLEARLY never cheat.”

“Did you ever stop to think that maybe those signs deserved to be stolen?” a voice shouted from the back of the press conference. “Maybe those signs shouldn’t had been wearing what they were wearing!” The person shouting these remarks looked exactly like George Springer with a wig on.

“Look, we just want to move on from this whole thing,” Crane said. “We’ve been humbled, we’re remorseful, and now we’re ready to act smug all season.”

Crane, clearly not realizing what his team was accused of, finished his press conference saying, “Even though we didn’t do anything wrong, if people are upset with the signs we stole, we promise to put them all back where we found them.”

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“We knew the deal we were making was absolutely horrible,” Henry told reporters. “But to us, it wasn’t bad enough.”

The Red Sox front office claimed the medical records of one of the players they received in the three-team-deal, Minnesota Twins pitcher Brusdar Graterol, wasn’t healthy enough for their liking, so they rejected the trade.

“I still can’t believe people bought the fact that we were unsatisfied with a trade offer over health concerns when we literally pay [Dustin] Pedroia millions to sit on the IL every year,” Henry said laughing to himself. “But hey, it worked!”

The Red Sox then got to work brainstorming ideas of how they could make the trade worse for themselves. Giving Betts and Price to the Dodgers for free? Giving them to the Dodgers for free and offering to pay their salarie? Giving Betts and Price, throwing in Jackie Bradley Jr., as well as half of all ticket sales at Fenway Park this year? All of these ideas were tossed around initially, but according to Henry, they still weren’t bad enough.

“We just felt like we weren’t screwing up this franchise enough,” Henry said. “I remember my grandfather always telling me about how bad the Babe Ruth trade the Sox made in 1919 was. I don’t want Red Sox Nation to be remembered for that. It’s been over 100 years. So if we make other bad trades, it will be hard to remember which one was worse.

“I wanted this trade to be so bad that it ended up on one of the EPIC FAIL videos I watch on YouTube each night before bed,” Henry said giggling. “Man, I saw one last night were a guy was skateboarding on a rail down a flight of stairs and he fell and totally racked his nuts! EPIC FAIL! It’s like why would he do that? It was a big flight of stairs too.”

While the Red Sox looked for ways to make this trade a bigger joke than it already was, the Dodgers went ahead and re-worked the deal to where they also received Brusdar Graterol from the Twins, on top of whatever the Red Sox were going to give them.

In the end, the Red Sox ended up giving the Dodgers Mookie Betts and David Price, agreeing to pay half of David Price’s salary, as well as partial custody of Wally, the Red Sox mascot, three copies of Fever Pitch starring Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore, and a $25 gift card to Dunkin Donuts. In return, the Red Sox receive Alex Verdugo, who looks like the human embodiment of Southie, shortstop prospect Jeter Downs, which will probably go over well with fans now having to cheer for a Jeter, and catching prospect Connor Ward who may or may not be made up by the Dodgers knowing the Red Sox would totally fall for it.

“I feel like this team we’ve constructed is built for the postseason,” Henry said. “Not the regular season. JUST the postseason, as in we’ll probably only win 11 games all year.”

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“We really wanted to honor the fans that have stuck with us through the good and the bad over the past 4 weeks, since the Patriots lost in the playoffs,” Chiefs Owner Clark Hunt said. “Many of them can remember all the way back to when we trailed by 24 points to Houston.”

The parade bandwagon will include many different types of Patriots fans. Everyone from former Warriors fans who just bought their Chiefs hats last week to Crimson Tide fans who claim to have been following Patrick Mahomes since he went to Alabama.

This parade has been a long time coming for Chiefs fans.

“I haven’t been this excited since Duke won in 2015, the Cubs won in 2016, and the Patriots won in 2017 and last year,” self-proclaimed die hard Chiefs fan Craig Pullman said, wiping a lone tear from his eye.

The parade route plans to start at Arrowhead so ex-Pats and now Chiefs fans can see the stadium for the first time.

“I have been so excited to be a part of this amazing run,” former Patriots fan Vince Tooley said. “I finally get to put my Warriors hat and Nationals jersey aside for a day to rock my new Chiefs gear! Go Chiefs!”

“I’m proud to say I’m a proud member of Chiefs Empire,” Tooley said before awkwardly Tomahawk chopping and humming the theme to Lord of the Rings. When asked what was his favorite thing about being a Chiefs fan, Tooley said, “At the end of the national anthem, when all of us die-hard Chiefs fans collectively say CHEESE!”

Parade organizer Sharon Martin has been very excited about the parade. “We are thrilled to showcase the hoards of former Patriots fans who have bought Patrick Mahomes jerseys in the last week or so,” Martin said.

“Plus, our parade will be the first championship parade to include balloons like you see during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade,” Martin said while pointing at Andy Reid.

No official word yet if fans will be allowed to bring dead relatives who also “loved” the Chiefs onto the bandwagon, as that would make the parade kind of a bummer.

“I wish my grandpa could’ve been here to see this,” Chiefs fan David Boclair said while holding back tears. “He’s not dead. He’s just been stuck in traffic on I-435 since Monday.”

Local officials hope this year’s parade fares better than the Chiefs last Super Bowl parade which ended in hundreds of naked hippies blocking the parade route protesting the Vietnam War or something. Officials still don’t understand why they had to be naked to protest.

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Multiple sources confirm the Dodgers have somehow worked out a deal that involves every MLB team. The Dodgers will receive literally every player from every team’s 25-man roster and will only give up starter Ross Stripling and shortstop prospect Guillermo Dominic, who sources say no one has heard of but they all assume he’s good because he’s in the Dodgers farm system.

The other 29 MLB teams will take turns sharing Dominic, and per sources they have all agreed to just give Stripling to the Orioles.

With a move of this magnitude, all eyes turn to the Dodgers for what seems like the 10th offseason in a row. Dodgers President of Baseball Operations Andrew Freidman feels confident in the package they received from the other teams.

“I think we can really do some damage with the guys we’ve acquired today,” Friedman said. “You’ve got guys like Mike Trout, Bryce Harper, and Mookie Betts?? Plus, the amount of depth we obtained is going to be big for us too.”

Another question this blockbuster deal poses is how it affects the Dodgers’ odds to win the World Series. According to Bovada, with no one on any of the other 29 teams’ rosters, the Dodgers odds have increased from 8/1 to 7/1 just behind the Yankees (3/1), Astros (4/1) and Astros without their trash cans (6/1).

If the Dodgers are able to pull off winning the World Series, it will be their first title since 1988. Lol, I know, right? Crazy. The Dodgers front office feels confident in their plan to obtain literally every player in baseball to accomplish that goal.

“If you can’t beat ’em, have them join you,” Friedman said. “That’s the saying isn’t it?”

Of course, it should be noted that this trade is only contingent on all 750 players passing physicals, which should be completed some time in the next seven months or so.

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