THE PUPPY BOWL

This is like the cutest and best thing in the whole world. Unless you don’t think puppies are cute. You might be like, “What? Who doesn’t like puppies?” I dated a guy once that hated all baby animals. So it is possible for people to not like or love puppies.

I would like to introduce you to some of the serious puppy players in the upcoming bowl. You are not going to want to stop looking at this post. I know I won’t.

BIG EDDIE AND LORD VOLDEMORT

Meet the coaches. Turns out they are brothers. Crazy right? They are only eight weeks old, but are already making a name for themselves around the league. They enjoy smelling new things and drawing X’s and O’s to help their team run super cute plays. No matter who wins, they are both going to Disney World.

ROCKY MCGAVIN

This is Rocky. Rocky McGavin. Rocky is a serious puppy with great potential. Rocky is a no nonsense puppy. He already does that thing that where he poops in the same area of the backyard. He is probably going to be up for MVP and yes, the P in this situation stands for puppy. Deal with it.

PRINCE

Meet Prince. His major influences are Chris Johnson and Carrot Top, although not in that order. Prince always looks like he is up to mischief, but he knows that and uses it to his advantage. He is leading the league in running yards and touchdowns, but more importantly, cuddle time.

BINGO

Are you kidding me with this puppy? I just want to eat him up. Bingo is the Tim Tebow of puppies. He is young and cute and second string. Don’t look for this cute little guy to have much playing time, but do look for quite a bit of screen time. In the future he is looking to move to New York to pursue his acting career, but after a quick nap.

ROCCO

And here is Rocco. He was just born to be a kicker. Not many puppies can say that. In fact, Rocco can’t really really say it (puppies can’t talk), but that’s what these headshots were supposed to infer. Rocco believes in loyalty and catching that sneaky tail that is always almost getting him.

LADIES, I can’t begin to tell you how cute the Puppy Bowl is. Please watch it and make enough super girly noises that all the guys around you get so mad they didn’t invite more guys.

XO.

• • •

This post is a part of our bi-weekly The Ladies Room posts for Korked Bats.

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It’s Super Bowl time. This is like prom. Or the Oscars. Or just American Olympics. If you love football, this is a celebration of a season of football. If you hate football, it’s a celebration of getting your boyfriend back on Sundays.

Here are a few important things to help you get through the next two weeks.

SUPER BOWL IS TWO WORDS. Even though it looks like it’s one word in a LOT of fonts.

The Super Bowl is SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 3rd. Important. If you mess this up, you will not be respected.

THE TEAMS:

THE SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS vs. THE BALTIMORE RAVENS (tonight my roommate asked who was in the Super Bowl, so don’t roll your eyes at me like everyone already knows this stuff).

It can be confusing because The Super Bowl is taking place in New Orleans and New Orleans also has a football team that is usually good enough to be in the Super Bowl. Not this year. It is safe to assume that the people of New Orleans will still try to get people to spell “GO” with an x.

THE HALFTIME SHOW:

BEYONCE IS RUNNING THE HALF TIME SHOW. I love her, so calm down. If there is a Destiny’s Child reunion, I am going to just flip out.  I am just going to FLIP OUT.

If you want to really show off. Bring this up…

THE INSIDE SCOOP:

The coaches of each respective team are brothers. They are BROTHERS. What are the odds?!?

John and Jim. One of those families that everyone’s name starts with the same letter. Somewhere their mom is so happy. Somewhere my mom wishes she would have had these kids instead.

XO.

(calm down, I just like saying XO, this doesn’t mean anything)

• • •

This post is a part of our bi-weekly The Ladies Room posts for Korked Bats.

Follow The Ladies Room on Twitter: @KBLadiesRoom – Or follow Erin, TLR writer: @erinmcgown

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The post SUPER BOWL SURVIVAL appeared first on Korked Bats.

If you are ANYTHING LIKE ME, and you are because I am just your super normal girl, you don’t have time to be cute and have a job AND know everything about sports. I have learned the best way to stay in the sports talk game is to keep an eye on “Buzz Words.” For example

Buzz Word: Ray Lewis

Ray Lewis is not one of the original member of the Rat Pack, my bad, but he is a guy that people are really upset about not being able to play football. Don’t worry about all of the reasons. All you have to say is a sentence like, “Wow! Can you believe that stuff about Ray Lewis?” If the person you are with seems confused, play it off like you meant to say something else and move on. If they have a strong opinion, you won’t have to worry about talking for another fifteen minutes. And then just agree with whatever they said that sounded the most reasonable.

• • •

Buzz Word: RGIII

This is not a Star Wars Reference.

You know who this guy is. He is a really good football player. He got injured recently, so everyone wants to know what’s going to happen to him. As long as you don’t ask about Star Wars and act concerned about his future career, you are golden.

• • •

Buzz Word: Lance Armstrong

If you say his name people get really weird. So say his name or don’t say his name, but don’t blame me for what happens next.

• • •

Final Buzz Word: SUPER BOWL

If you want any sports street cred, you must know when the Super Bowl is. It’s February 3rd. We don’t know who is playing yet, so don’t worry about that, but we do know Beyonce is doing the halftime show. Isn’t she just the best?

Enjoy the buzz words. I’m always happy to help.

xo.

• • •

This post is a part of our bi-weekly The Ladies Room posts for Korked Bats.

Follow The Ladies Room on Twitter: @KBLadiesRoom – Or follow Erin, TLR writer: @erinmcgown

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The post The Buzz appeared first on Korked Bats.

I’ve heard you are having a pretty rough week. First, you don’t even get to be the backup quarterback for your own team. Then, you lose to the Titans. Which, let’s be honest, no one remembers what team you guys even played which is making Tennessee fans super mad. Remember the Titans is what they say. Nobody remembers them because you had to sit out and your replacement got to play football. Yikes. You and your girlfriend also broke up. مواقع مراهنات كرة قدم That is the worst. Especially because she was pretty and rich. You could have retired. Now, who knows who you will end up with! My guess is Taylor Swift. Here are a few ways to get out of the dumps.

Start following @piratepugjack on Instagram. This is one cute little pug with one eye and a tongue that sticks out ALL THE TIME. His owners take a picture of him a day, so you will always have something to look forward to.

Believe me, that little pug face can and will do miracles for your and your bad days. Next, start following someone funny on Twitter such as @korkedbats or just read this tweet over and over. That’s what I do on most days.

Let’s be honest. You might not fully get the comedic value of this because you are probably too famous to have a Facebook account. Ask one of your less famous friends to explain it to you. Lastly, have a text message conversation with your best friend in ALL CAPS. لعبة فلوس حقيقية I promise it will make you feel better. موقع المراهنات على المباريات  The more ridiculous the conversation, the better you will feel. I promise.

Well, Tim Tebow, when you are feeling super sad, I hope a few of these things help. If none of them do, just remember that you have a sandwich named after you in a famous New York Deli. And that you have killer blue eyes. No one can take that away from you. I guess technically both of those can be taken from you, but lets not worry about the details.

Until next time, xo.

• • •

This post is a part of our bi-weekly The Ladies Room posts for Korked Bats.

Follow The Ladies Room on Twitter: @KBLadiesRoom – Or follow Erin, TLR writer: @erinmcgown

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The post #FreeTimTebow appeared first on Korked Bats.

10. I can’t stop listening to Ne-Yo’s Let me Love You. Also, when I tried to search for that song of iTunes, I started by looking for NEO. Not the same.

9. I was tall for my age so everyone thought I would be good at basketball. Instead I was bad. This actually isn’t a secret.

8. I stopped paying attention to the WWF when the Undertaker was still in it (and when it was still called the WWF). In my head he is still the best.

7. I believe Lil’ Wayne is what happens when you get Shaquille O’Neal wet.

6. I will always laugh at Gremlins jokes (see: secret number 7) and I will always be up for a conversation about which house you would have been in if Hogwarts was a real school.

5. One time a football player wanted to date me until he asked what I was doing one afternoon and I said, “watching Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.”

4. I think Karl Malone is the worst.

3. Even after all I know about Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter, I would still say yes if they asked me on a date.

2. I often do extra pushups in case Erin Andrews ever takes me up on my street fight idea.

1. I can eat a jar of peanut butter in like three days. I really like peanut butter.

Those are my only secrets. Man. I feel so much better now. Enjoy your last few days on earth.

XO. That’s right. I signed this XO, because you are in The Ladies Room.

• • •

This post is a part of our bi-weekly The Ladies Room posts for Korked Bats.

Follow The Ladies Room on Twitter: @KBLadiesRoom – Or follow Erin, TLR writer: @erinmcgown

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The post My Secrets (Please Read) appeared first on Korked Bats.

1. I love mustaches. Let me start there. My dad always had a sweet mustache when I was growing up, and he even gave it away as a prize once. That’s right. His mustache.

2. I have always been afraid that I have a mustache. Mainly because small children tell the truth and small children like to ask me why I have a mustache.

and finally…

3. I have very vivid dreams, often including my fears. Never including going on dates with any of the top three guys I want to date at any given time.

The other night I was visited by three ghost mustaches. I know that sounds improbable. It was my dreams, leave me alone.

Ghost of mustache past was, you guessed it, Larry Bird.

Okay, you probably didn’t guess Larry Bird would show up as the Ghost of Mustache Past, but he did. Larry Bird took me to into my past to show me my life without mustaches. It was actually really similar to the way my life happened.

Next up was the Ghost of Mustache Present.

You know who showed up?

If you guessed Aaron Rogers, you win. It was Aaron Rogers.

Aaron Rodgers wasn’t able to get a word in because I thought he was one of the members of The Brady Bunch. I just kept asking him about what it was like to be a part of a show that shaped America. Can you blame me for being confused about who exactly he was?

The worst part of my dream was the Ghost of Christmas Future. Guys, it was terrifying. You would hope to be visited by a robot with a mustache he was growing out for charity. You would hope to be visited by Captain Kirk with an awesome mustache. Instead, this happened.

Spoiler alert. In the future, women have mustaches. Just like my nightmares. I will give credit where credit is due. She has flawless skin, but that doesn’t take the mustache away. Poor Sarah Jessica Parker tried to show me the future, but as you can see, I just took this awesome picture of her and then pinched myself awake. No one should have to look at a horse’s woman’s mustache in their dreams.

Well, enjoy the future, where you have more than Aaron Rodgers looking super weird in a mustache to be concerned about.

XO. That’s right. I signed this XO, because you are in The Ladies Room.

• • •

This post is a part of our bi-weekly The Ladies Room posts for Korked Bats.

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The post Movember Dreamin’ appeared first on Korked Bats.

I have made the mistake in the past of liking teams based on the guy I was dating. Or fine… wishing I was dating.

For example:

I liked the Chicago Bulls in the third grade because my super cute fifth grade boyfriend looked just like white Michael Jordan when he played basketball. Mainly because he stuck his tongue out when he went in for lay-ups. مواقع الرهان على المباريات

When he decided to start dating someone his own age, or as I remember it, a girl with boobs, I decided that I HATED the Bulls.

Next example:

My college boyfriend really liked the Seattle Seahawks. It was like the one year that the Seahawks made it into the Super Bowl. We broke up before the Super Bowl because he “just didn’t think we were compatible.” When the Seahawks lost, I just smiled to myself while he was somewhere crying the blue and green paint off of his pathetic face.

Last example (not because I am out of boyfriend stories, don’t even worry):

My latest boyfriend really liked the New York Yankees. He wasn’t even from New York. betfinal بالعربي Anyway, here we are dating our brains out. I was like, “maybe this is the one.” Ladies, I had even started wearing a New York Yankees hat. Whenever you start getting sports team clothing, you know it means commitment. We even WENT TO A GAME. A YANKEES GAME. I started to know the lineup and who was having a good season and who was having a less than good season. I was emotionally invested. Then he called me and was like, “I am emotionally attracted to someone else.” And I was like, “Yeah right. Get out of here.”

Now here I am mad as a hornet that the New York Yankees are doing well again, and I just want them to lose already.

I am telling you these heart wrenching stories to keep you from making the same mistakes I have made. If you like the Tennessee Titans, don’t do it because a cute boy does. Do it because it’s where you live or because you look really good in blue. (Or just don’t do it in general. They’re pretty bad.) If you like the New York Jets or Giants, do it because they have good looking players. قانون لعبة البوكر If you like Auburn or Alabama, do it because you like yelling random things that don’t make sense to anyone else, but make you feel like you’re apart of a war or battle.

I hope this has been helpful. xo.

• • •

This post is a part of our bi-weekly The Ladies Room posts for Korked Bats.

Follow The Ladies Room on Twitter: @KBLadiesRoom – Or follow Erin, TLR writer: @erinmcgown

As always, be sure to follow Korked Bats and our up-to-the-minute sports jokes: @korkedbats

The post Confessions From The Ladies Room appeared first on Korked Bats.

I am super hopeful that Korked Bats has a better 4th birthday than I did.

Let me explain.

My birthday is the 4th of July. My Golden Birthday. Or so I thought. Here I was. Super cute. Super happy because up until this point in my life, I believed that the neighbors and entire city were celebrating me and my birth with fireworks. How important was I?

Not.

My mom decided that everyone would get a cookie bag for JUST SHOWING UP and guess what. I didn’t get a cookie bag because they were for my guests. Whatever. If I would have known that the cookies were going to my guests, I would have invited less guests. Fine. Probably no guests. I was 4 years old. I didn’t have any friends.

At four years old, I found out that I am terrible at playing most birthday games. I would even practice in secret over the next few years.

My mom had to have the talk with me. She could have let me go a few more years. It didn’t have to be this soon. She could have given me a book to read to spare both of our embarrassment. She explained to me that the fireworks were not in fact, for me. That I shared a birthday with America. Come on citizens of America. Isn’t everyday Independence Day? Isn’t it just another day that Hallmark created for us to spend money? Shouldn’t we make sure that America knows that we appreciate and support her all year round?

Anyway. I think I got some sweet white keds and some of those plastic Little Mermaid shoes and maybe my first big girl bike, but that’s not the point of this.

Happy Birthday Korked Bats. The fireworks aren’t for you. Neither are the cookies.

• • •

This post is a part of our Ladies Room series for Korked Bats.

Follow The Ladies Room on Twitter: @KBLadiesRoom – Or follow Erin, TLR writer: @erinmcgown

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The post Happy Birthday to Us appeared first on Korked Bats.

LeBron James started wearing glasses about thirteen minutes after I got my Warby Parkers in the mail.

Exibit A:

Me and my supa’ fly friends.

(Please don’t write me off for using the word supa’.)

Notice my brand new hipster glasses. Yes, they are necessary because I have terrible vision. I got contacts when I was 16-years-old so that someone would ask me to prom. Nobody asked me to prom, but that was probably due to my bangs and acne.

Now, notice Mr. James’ brand new glasses:

Coincidence? I think not.

You know what else isn’t a coincidence LeBron? The fact that you just bought a house that looks remarkably like the house that I bought.

Here is Mr. James’ new home:

Here is my new house. You decide who is copying who:

Please don’t come over to my new house unless you get an invitation. I am trying to keep a low profile after all.

Here was the final straw with LeBron trying to be cool like me.

I can understand the glasses and the house because I really made some good decisions on those things, but this last copy cat move by LeBron, which wasn’t even that good of a decision, just took it too far.

My back tattoo.

I had a weak moment in college and was like, “Yes, I do want a back tattoo.” Tattoos are forever, ya’ll.

I know what you’re thinking, “She sure does a lot of rowing to get back muscles like that.” You’re right. I don’t mess around.

Now, LeBron didn’t copy me word for word, but I get it LeBron. You want to be like me.

I am keeping an eye on LeBron James for now. I will do my best to make better decisions so that he doesn’t end up with any more weird back tattoos.

Although, the worst part about realizing LeBron James is copying your every move, is coming to terms with the fact that you’re now a loser.

Zing.

• • •

This post is a part of our bi-weekly The Ladies Room posts for Korked Bats.

Follow The Ladies Room on Twitter: @KBLadiesRoom – Or follow Erin, TLR writer: @erinmcgown

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The post LeBron James Wants My Life appeared first on Korked Bats.

So if you’re having a heart attack on an airplane and you ask for a Doctor and this guy shows up. The only thing he can do to help, is give you pointers on your jump shot.

Something else to know, Karl Malone, was not a legitimate mailman.

If you handed him your mail, he would just hand it back to you. If you said something along the lines of, “Hey, how does it feel to be the only group in America that has their steering wheel on the passenger side of the car?” He would probably just whisper something so quietly that you wouldn’t be able to understand. If you try to get him to just hold the package you are trying to mail and make him guess how much it weighs so you can more accurately assess how much postage to put, he won’t help at all.

Have you ever heard LeBron James referred to as King James? Well, do NOT be fooled. He did NOT write the Bible. He does NOT out rank Prince William or Prince Harry.

You might think that Magic Johnson would be next on my list of nickname Myth Busters, but this is one that I need to explain. Magic Johnson got his nickname for actually being magical. He was a warlock before it was cool to be a warlock.*

Now that I am beginning to realize that I am not the only person that is confused by some of these sports nicknames, I will continue to debunk them as I find new ones. This can be a confusing thing and I am here to help, as usual. Don’t worry.

* – If you are struggling to understand that it’s cool to be magic, then please refer to Harry Potter.**

** – If you are a nervous Christian parent that’s like, “Erin, don’t talk about magic because that leads kids to creepy magic stuff,”  (Mom, this is not a direct jab, but you did use to love Bewitched.)

• • •

This post is a part of our bi-weekly The Ladies Room posts for Korked Bats.

Follow The Ladies Room on Twitter: @KBLadiesRoom – Or follow Erin, TLR writer: @erinmcgown

As always, be sure to follow Korked Bats and our up-to-the-minute sports jokes: @korkedbats

The post Misled by Sports appeared first on Korked Bats.