Hey Jason, mind if I pull you aside real quick? Bragging about steamrolling through $8 of toilet paper a day isn’t exactly the flex that I believe you think it is. Even in the height of the pandemic’s ‘toilet paper is our new cryptocurrency’ era, bragging about your TP usage just isn’t all you apparently imagine. However, I’m willing to bet it’s his sentence before the TP brag that gives us all the intel we need as to why this man is rummaging through toilet paper like a cat who snuck into the bathroom. A Big Mac and fries. The only question is how many?

Jason Whitlock was trying to defend paying the cost of Twitter Blue (shocker), because after the Great Blue Checkmark Purge of 2023, J-Dub’s account was still proudly verified and, like LeBron, he was called out for it. However, that social media merit badge very quickly turned into a skidmark. Side note: if you want to pay for Twitter Blue, by all means, go for it. Hell, Korked Bats’ main account has had Twitter Blue since Jack Dorsey was still captaining the ship, solely because it allows us to post longer videos to the platform – which, for what we do, is important. But we’re not going to hype or rip the cost of Twitter Blue (I mean, it was better when it was $2.99 a month, but whatevs), and we’re certainly not going to reveal the number of times we wipe our ass in a day.

Not to get too deep into the NextGen Stats powered by AW-ass, but this means Whitlock is going through SIX (6!) mega-rolls, which equates to 24 regular rolls EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Jason, in your defense of the blue checkmark receipt, you don’t exactly need to go touting that you spend that same cost in toilet paper PER DAY. I’m no Jason Whitlock fan, by any means, but I have to admit, I’m starting to get worried about him. There has to be something going on gastrically for the big guy. You need to see someone about that, boss? You feeling ok? Is it a hemmoroid problem? That last question is rhetorical, of course. I don’t really want to know about any inflammation in Jason Whitlock’s anus.

BONUS CONTENT! Here’s a quick power ranking of toilet paper brands:

5. Scott – I call this the high school toilet paper, because it’s cheap, it has all the sensitivity of sandpaper, and it’s stocked in what seems like every high school in America. The only reason this brand was ranked 5th is because I can’t think of a sixth toilet paper brand.

4. Quilted Northern – *Shaq voice* I’ll admit, I’m not really familiar with your game.

3. Angel Soft – affordable and comfortable enough.

2. Cottonelle – Puppies in your commercials certainly help. Plus, you can’t be more coarse than the others.

1. Charmin – maybe because it’s the softest TP out there or maybe it’s the bear saranating me about his heiny being clean

The post In The Biggest ‘Weird Flex, But Ok?’ of All-Time, Jason Whitlock Brags About Going Through $8 of Toilet Paper Per Day appeared first on Korked Bats.

Are we really doing this again? Apparently, everyone is learning for the first time that MLB Hall of Famer Randy Johnson is a photographer. Seriously? Not to be a Randy Johnson Photography hipster, but how did everyone not know this? I thought we all knew. How is this the first time most people are learning about this? This feels like every few months when the Internet learns that this GIF of Robert Redford is NOT Zach Galifianakis.

And even if many didn’t know about Randy’s post-retirement gig as an Ansel Adams wannabe, I feel like the note of his photography company’s logo went viral just last year. Am I crazy?

Oh cool, Randy chooses to cash in on that bird on his terms apparently, blah blah blah, but when someone else references he gets all “that’s not me” on us. Look, if I sound bitter and annoyed, it’s because I am. If there are two enemies we have at Korked Bats, it’s Dana White for having our Instagram account deactivated and making us start over from scratch and Randy Johnson for blocking us on Instagram. That’s right. Given the fact that many of you are learning about Randy’s passion for polaroids, I’m sure you’re also learning of his passion for the block button.

Just so everyone knows, again, that guy on the subway checking out his mullet WAS. NOT. RANDY.

So naturally, whenever he trends, we hear about it.

Being blocked by the Big Unit is something we have to deal with every single day, and frankly, we wouldn’t wish this feeling upon our worst enemy. Lol, JK, we always wish the worst for Dana White. I mean, imagine being blocked online by a 5-time Cy Young Award winner who you grew up idolizing. That’s a tough pill to swallow. But maybe one day, he’ll unblock us, and we can enjoy the photos of the Grand Canyon or whatever he shares on his protected Instagram page.

P.S. Follow @korkedbats on Instagram! Help us build back what Dana White destroyed.

The post Everyone On The Internet Is Learning Randy Johnson Is Now A Photographer And It’s Triggered Our PTSD Of Him Blocking Us appeared first on Korked Bats.

Half of the people in the world will think this guy is crazy.

Not the better half.

The 30-year-old Largo resident, who’s known only by his username, has gathered a cult following of nearly 50,000 social media users, mostly through TikTok, as he builds the self-proclaimed world’s largest collection of “Titanic” on VHS.

via AXIOS

This is called the basement of dreams, and it truly was. Walls (plural) plastered full of over 500 copies of the dual-VHS case of Titanic? Are you kidding me? He’s even got the wall properly lined with the widescreen version of the movie (the gold cases). And apparently he wants to build the world’s largest collection of Titanic on VHS, which I’m gonna go on a limb and say he accomplished that feat when he got his third copy. But kudos to this dude anyway. Simple-minded dolts are probably reading this blog like, “Why would anyone want one VHS copy of that movie let alone an entire basement full?”

Ummm, why wouldn’t you? This movie tied Ben Hur for the most Academy Award wins of all time. It is undoubtedly James Cameron’s best movie, and that’s high praise, because he also made True Lies. Plus, it was, for many grown men my age, their first time seeing a boobie on the big screen. That’s not why I loved it though. I had a connection to this film unlike many people I knew. Or so I thought. I shared that connection on Kyle Ayers’s Never Seen It patreon.

But much like the movie Titanic, this isn’t a fairytale. There is someone out there trying to foil this dude’s plan.

He’s got competition. Another TikToker who collects “Shrek” on VHS is out to foil his plan and collect all the copies of “Titanic” on VHS he can find and destroy them.

This person is more of a monster than Shrek is. The only thing dumber than collecting Titanic on VHS is trying to stop someone else from doing it. Let the dude collect these things in peace, dammit. Personally, I’m all in on this dude. Sure, he’s a little out there.

But anyone who loves Titanic this much is ok by me. I’ve seen this movie dozens of times. Including six times in theaters alone. Seven if you count the 2012 re-release. So I respect the hustle, the grind, the content, and the pursuit of Titanic (on VHS). Because remember, you can be blasé about some things. But NOT about Titanic.

Oh, and also, of course this would be a Florida Man.

The post A TikToker Went Viral For Owning 500+ Copies Of ‘Titanic’ On VHS, And I’ve Never Respected Anyone More appeared first on Korked Bats.

Every day when you wake up, there’s one thing on the Internet that you never expect to see. And I can confidently say that I did not wake up this morning expecting to see a train plow through a windmill turbine blade. But here we are.

Why is that truck stopped in the middle of a train track? I have no idea. Maybe that’s what trucks that carry large windmill turbine blades do? Regardless, it gave us one of the most insane videos of the week. According to KVUE, multiple crew members aboard the train, which was substantial damaged, were treated for minor injuries, and the crash is being investigated.

But this a tough loss for the renewable energy crowd. Look, I’m all for renewable energy. But when a (probably) coal-powered train powers right through like that, well… It’s just a bad look from a PR standpoint.

Here’s another angle

Let this be a lesson to all the windmill turbine blade truck drivers out there. Maybe don’t stop on the train tracks?

P.S. This reminds me of that stop the train mission on GTA 5.

The post What Happens When A Speeding Train Meets A Windmill Turbine Blade? This Video Shows You appeared first on Korked Bats.

You could be under a highway overpass during a solar eclipse, and still not see as much shade as we got in this AL.com tweet going scored earth on the Gulf Coast beaches of Mississippi.

Oh, so Lane Kiffin takes shots at Nick Saban on the reg? So what? The Magnolia State’s beaches have way more fecal coliform bacteria. So there! Hashtag sick burn.

Honestly, I don’t even know what this means? Fecal coliform bacteria? What is that? Poop? Mississippi’s beaches have more poop than Alabama’s? Ok. I think we all could’ve assumed this. Where’s the news? If you go to the Gulf, you have to expect a little bit of poop in your sand. This isn’t a knock on the beaches down there. They’re great. It’s just they’re great in a “probably have poop in their sand” kinda way.

Also, we should consider the source of this news. In a day and age where Fox News will report things like “Republicans Are Scientifically More Attractive Than Democrats” and MSNBC will deliver headlines like “Studies Show Democrats Are More Successful Humans Than People Who Vote Republican,” naturally we’re going to get a pro-Alabama headline from a website with the domain AL.com. I’d be willing to be if these fecal coliform bacteria tests came back flipped the other way, I doubt this would make even make the AL.com website, which only plays into the depth of rivalries in the south. It just means more, right? Yeah. And in Mississippi, it just means more fecal coliform bacteria.

Mississippi, I don’t know what you’ll be able to pull out, but you need to come back strong against Alabama. Don’t take this lying down. Your state school’s baseball team just won a College World Series title. You guys got a new flag this year. You’ve got chubby Lane Kiffin!

Use it to your advantage and clap back at Alabama who has the nerve to call your beaches poopy. Hell, cross the state line and poop on their beaches! That should even the playing field. And frankly, as an innocent bystander, I can’t wait to see how this plays out.

The post Move Over Iron Bowl, The Biggest Rivalry In The South Is Now The Alabama-Mississippi Fecal Coliform Bacteria Beach Rivalry appeared first on Korked Bats.

I think we’re done here.

Remember the Chicken Sandwich Wars of 2019? If you do, then you may remember it as the original global pandemic. This nation was torn apart. Not just by politics. Not just by racial divide. But something more important than the two… chicken.

Well, apparently the war has been revived this week. Only to be simultaneously murdered again. All thanks to Airheads.

Not the Brendan Fraser movie (shoutout Brendan Fraser!), but the candy. Stick of taffy (?) stuff that tasted like just clumped up flavored sugar. We all know Airheads. Well, now they’re making chicken sandos.

This feels like when Paris Hilton said, “I’m gonna do music now.” Maybe we should all just stay in our lane. And don’t get me wrong, I will still bob my head to Stars Are Blind.

And I may end up liking the Airhead chicken sando. But that doesn’t mean either of them needed to be made. Pretty sure no one in the history of civilization ever ate a fried chicken sandwich and said, “You know what this needs? More candy.” This feels like one of those lame April Fool’s Day jokes that corporate brands like to play. But it’s July. So it’s clearly not. They dropped it in honor National Fried Chicken Day on July 6.

And yeah, their video announcing it is super self-aware, so maybe this is schtick or gimmick. And/or maybe I’m getting got right now? Maybe their goal was just to get dumb bloggers to take the bait and talk about their product. If so, then I shall tip my cap to the candy that I haven’t thought of in no less than six years. But it’s still so insanely random. Chicken sandwiches? Like a Hard Seltzer? Sure. I’d even be more willing to accept an Airheads streaming service. Everyone’s doing them now. But chicken?? This would be like G&E Home Appliances swerving out of the home appliances business to making bourbon. Can we all just agree to stay in our lanes? I’m tired of watching the Jake Pauls of the world dipping their toes into boxing just because they can. That’s essentially what this is, which makes sense, considering the Paul brothers are airheads. Just know your role.

The post A New Competitor Has Joined The Chicken Sandwich War, And Naturally, It’s Airheads Candy appeared first on Korked Bats.

The former baseball pro, 45, teamed up with Hims & Hers — the beauty and wellness company in which he and Lopez, 51,  last year — to develop the brand’s first makeup for men.

“I wanted to create a product that solved an issue I faced every day. I realized as I was jumping from meeting to meeting, I needed something quick and easy in my routine to conceal blemishes or razor bumps,” Rodriguez shared on Instagram Thursday.

Enter The Blur Stick, “a convenient concealer specifically designed for men that can be used for skin imperfections,” per the star, who added, “Check it out, I think you’ll be surprised how often it comes in handy.”

Priced at $17 and available in eight shades, the “sleek, discreet” product is made with ingredients including aloe extract and jojoba seed oil to help soothe and moisturize the skin.

Siri, show me the definition of “spiraling.”

My goodness, A-Rod. Get a hold of yourself. There are people watching. I know you’re down bad from your post-breakup Coldplay jam sesh and your setting an extra place setting at the dinner table, but this is getting out of control. I know you need something to mask your sadness and probably backne (from the steroids), but this is NOT the answer. It’s not a good look. We’re all well aware you want to kiss and makeup with J-Lo, but we didn’t think you meant literally.

*sigh* Dammit.

You trying to score a pink Cadillac, Mary Kay-Rod?

Never thought I’d say this, but I prefer self-makeout A-Rod more than self-apply makeup A-Rod.

Look, I’m not against dudes rocking makeup. It’s 2021 and everything, blah, blah, sure. Do your thing. ESPECIALLY if you’re on TV regularly. Totally get it. Those 4K cameras aren’t getting any less defined. But trying to make dudes in makeup an everyday thing? That’s a tougher pill to swallow than adding a runner on second for extra innings. One of the best things about being a dude is how easy it is to get ready. Underwear, pants, shirt, shoes, maybe a tiny splash of cologne, and bam, you’re good to go. I’m not about to add watching YouTube tutorials for applying the perfect contour for your skin tone or crap like that. A-Rod, snap out of it, man. I mean, what’s next? You get yourself a massive back tattoo of a Phenix rising from the ashes? That’s not going to bring her back. In fact, since my last blog about you, I’ve come to terms that Jenny from the block probably isn’t coming back. Ever. You need to come to terms too. BroBible had a great take the other day. You need to just go full heel and start dating Jeet’s ex, Minka Kelly.

The post A-Rod Just Dropped A Makeup Line For Men In Case You Were Wondering Why J-Lo Isn’t Gonna Take Him Back appeared first on Korked Bats.

Celebrity college-admissions ex-cons Lori Loughlin and husband Mossimo Giannulli have asked a judge to allow them to jet off to a Mexican resort while still on probation, according to court documents.

The pair each filed requests in their federal criminal cases seeking court approval to go to San Jose Del Cabo for five days in mid-June to spend time with family.

Look, say what you will about Aunt Becky and her fashion designer husband whose clothes were a staple of Target shoppers of the early 2000s, but I respect the hell out of this move. All you other criminals who bribed to get your kid into prestigious universities and USC are playing checkers. Aunt Becks is playing chess. She literally asked her judge to have mercy. Has anyone else in the history of our nation’s judicial system ever asked to hit up a resort in Cabo while on probation? I’m gonna guess no. But shooters shoot. And that’s exactly the kind of forward-thinking that not only got her the hosting gig on Wake Up San Francisco but also got her in this situation in the first place. Her kid couldn’t make it into college? Drop a few bribes. Can’t leave the state while on probation? Ask for a court-ordered trip to Cabo? I raise my marg to you and Mossimo, Aunt Becks. This is incredible. Part of me hopes she gets it, because she’s a trailblazer for the rest of us who may someday be put on probation. You might be laughing and ridiculing her for even asking. But people also laughed and ridiculed the Wright Brothers when they said they wanted man to fly. And look at us now. All I’m saying is when two trails divulged in the woods, Lori took the one less traveled. To Cabo.

The post Gotta Respect Aunt Becky Asking A Judge If She And Her Husband Can Go To Cabo While On Probation appeared first on Korked Bats.

Evidence is mounting that a tiny subatomic particle called a muon is disobeying the laws of physics as we thought we knew them, scientists announced on Wednesday.

The best explanation, physicists say, is that the muon is being influenced by forms of matter and energy that are not yet known to science, but which may nevertheless affect the nature and evolution of the universe. The new work, they said, could eventually lead to a breakthrough in our understanding of the universe more dramatic than the heralded discovery in 2012 of the Higgs boson, a particle that imbues other particles with mass.

via New York Times

Ugh. Influencers remain the absolute worst.

Look, I’m not going to even pretend I know what any of this means other than the words matter, energy and dramatic. I barely know what nevertheless means. But I can’t imagine muons being influenced by forms of matter and energy that are not yet known to science, but which may nevertheless affect the nature and evolution of the universe can be a good thing.

Sure, scientists may be adjusting their pants out of excitement after news like this, but to me, it sounds like the start of the end of the world. I’ve pretended to understand enough Michael Crichton books and movies in my day to know that this isn’t the way romantic comedies start. Headlines like these are the opening scene of a summer blockbuster that ends with the world being destroyed. We may not have concerts this summer, but at least we have that to look forward to, I guess.

Just be careful out there. Because last time something like this happened, I’m pretty sure it ended with IronMan and Captain America getting into a very destructive fist-fight.

The post Might Just Be Me, But It Feels Like We’re Doomed When Scientists Say Subatomic Particles Are Breaking Laws Of Physics appeared first on Korked Bats.

Comedian and author Jensen Karp went massively viral this week for tweeting his unsavory discovery of sugar-coated shrimp tails in his Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal. Just days after using his disturbing find to slam the brand and its maker, General Mills, on Twitter, social media has abruptly turned against him. Karp, 41, is now being accused of lying, stealing a podcast concept and shaming a former sex partner, among other allegations.

This is the internet circle of life.

A person goes viral for the absolute dumbest reason, they trend for a couple of days, pick up thousands of followers, maybe do a few national interviews, and then… it’s all over. Not just the internet fame, but their entire damn life.

Remember Bean Dad? He’s probably sleeping under an overpass somewhere tonight.

Well, unfortunately, that fate is now coming to Shrimp Tails Guy, Jensen Karp. Honestly, I’m surprised it took this long. But I kinda feel bad for the guy. For the first part of his career, he was known as Mr. Topanga, but now after he finally makes a name for himself… he’s getting dragged through the mud by the Internet.

We Americans haven’t been this focused on a shrimp tail since the last time we all went to a hibachi restaurant, but we’re entrenched. A.D. blogged about the entire saga the other day, but unfortunately, like all good Internet fairy tales, they come to a screeching halt once we learn the main subject of Internet fame isn’t perfect.

And now the cancellation process of Shrimp Tails Guy has commenced:

Brandon’s addition to the Jensen Karp Yelp reviews doesn’t seem like a very strong complaint. Sure, lying is always bad, but is calling someone a marketing professional a bad thing?

Also, apparently, the term for going famous online only to have your life ripped apart by the Internet has a term, and it’s “milkshake duck’ed.”

But don’t worry. If you’re Team Shrimp Tails Guy in this whole thing, you’re in good company. One of the biggest defenders of Karp’s character is… wait a minute… Mike Shinoda?? Lead singer of Linkin Park?!

Oh, but dammit, here’s Brandon again to pile on Karp.

Look, like many of you, I don’t know Jensen Karp personally. I can’t tell you if he’s a dick or a great guy. But either way, who cares? Why do we have to dig up his past just because he found some damn seafood in his cereal? Can’t the story end at “Wow, shrimp tails in Cinnamon Toast Crunch! That’s wild!”?? Part of me hopes I never have anything blow up on the Internet. Like if I find a piece of broccoli that kinda looks like Mark Ruffalo, tweet it, and it goes viral, I can only imagine the kind of crap people will dig up or say about me. You know why? Because I’m not perfect. And you might want to sit down for this, but neither are you. So who are we to judge?

I’m not trying to defend Jensen here. The guy might be a total douche bag. But why should any of us care? He’s not going viral for being a perfect person. He’s going viral for NEARLY EATING CINNAMON TOTAST SHRIMP!

If we put the amount of time we put towards searching into Shrimp Tails Guy’s, Bean Dad’s, Chewbacca Mom’s, and every other random Internet celebrity’s past as we did missing children, our phones would never again surprise us with one of those Amber Alert alarms.

All I’m saying is enjoy life, be nice to others, and if someone nearly eats fish in his cereal, let’s laugh about it, have fun, and move on – instead of trying to figure out whether or not the person paid his taxes in 2011, said any nasty things in high school, or believes conspiracy theories that the government infiltrates people’s brains through Kevin Hart’s comedy.

The post Naturally, The Internet Has Now Turned On Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp Tail Guy appeared first on Korked Bats.