Ok look, unless you’re a big-time Comic Book fan, you probably don’t really care about ‘The Flash’ that much. Maybe I’m wrong, but I didn’t have any idea who Barry Allen was until a few years ago. All I know is that he could run really fast. Credit to Warner Bros, DC and Zack Snyder for making me more familiar going into this film, but even so The Flash isn’t that high on the super-hero hierarchy for me. If I’m being real honest, the biggest draw of this movie for me was seeing Michael Keaton as Bruce Wayne/Batman one last time.

That promise was certainly delivered on.

‘The Flash’ is a movie that really doesn’t do too much to separate itself from the dozens of super-hero movies we get every year, but it is one that relies heavily on fan-service to keep you happy.

So, If you’re on the fence about whether or not you should see ‘The Flash’ here are 3 Big Things to consider:

1. The CGI is absolute dog-s#!t.

I’ll go ahead and get the biggest complaint out of the way first. And Director Andy Muschietti can say “it was meant to look like that” all he wants, but there just isn’t any escaping it. This probably has to be one of the worst looking movies of the past decade. It’s always difficult critiquing artists in a harsh way (especially since I wouldn’t even know where to begin when rendering any sort of image), but the visual effects here are so distracting they completely take you out of the movie–sometimes in huge moments.

Not to sound too much like your dad on this Father’s Day weekend, but this is unacceptable. Especially in 2023 where CGI can be used so well you don’t even realize that’s what you’re seeing. This felt more like the CGI from ‘The Matrix Reloaded’ repurposed by Warner Bros. in an attempt to meet a deadline. The truth is that this movie was sitting on the shelf for a bit…plenty of time to polish and get this movie ready for a wide audience. Possibly more evidence of Warner Bros. attempting to save a buck.

2. This isn’t the “game-changing” super-hero movie that we were promised.

After many early and secret screenings coming out of Hollywood, the word on the street was ‘The Flash’ was possibly the best super-hero movie since 2008’s ‘The Dark Knight’. There were even reports of Tom Cruise and Stephen King reaching out to Andy Muschietti to praise him for the work that was done on the film months before release. Momentum seemed to be building and every indication was that this movie would blow us away.

In reality, it seems to fall short of those expectations. It certainly isn’t a bad movie, but I think the expectations were set a bit too high. Perhaps Tom Cruise was really excited about seeing Michael Keaton play Batman again? Maybe Stephen King enjoys a good flying-baby sequence? Who knows, but ‘The Flash’ falls a few rungs short of being considered an top-tier superhero film.

3. All-Star Cameos will ultimately be this film’s lasting legacy.

Fan-service is really what ‘The Flash’ does well and there is no better measuring stick for that than cameos. We wont spoil anything for you here, but there are a handful of fantastic and fun cameos that span the gamut of DC and Warner Bros. It’s truly what makes the movie have those big-pop moments and keeps you invested. While that is a lot of fun, it’s certainly not what you want to build a whole movie around. Unfortunately there isn’t a whole lot more to the substance of ‘The Flash’ than really great surprise moments.

VERDICT

‘The Flash’ for all of it’s faults is still a fun and entertaining movie that serves as a fitting end to the “Snyderverse” years of DC movies. It would feel like a step in the right direction if not for Warner Bros and DC turning over a new leaf and starting from scratch with Peter Saffran and James Gunn at the helm. I would certainly recommend checking this one out in a theater with an audience if you feel invested with the story. If not, it’s certainly one worth checking out when it premieres on MAX in the coming months.

3/5 Swedish Fish

So what do you think? Be sure to holler at us on Twitter (@korkedbats; @thecineboiz) and Instagram (@korkedbats; @thecineboiz)

Also, be sure to follow Korked Bats on YouTube and subscribe to The CineBoiz Podcast wherever podcasts are found!

You can also listen/watch the latest episode of the 3 BIG THINGS PODCAST where Austin and I have a deeper conversation on ‘ The Flash” and dive into SPOILER territory. Check it out here:

The post 3 Big Things on ‘The Flash’ — A SPOILER-FREE Review (and PODCAST!) appeared first on Korked Bats.

What is there to say about Hollywood’s newest box office smash, The Batman?

No, seriously, I’m asking. I haven’t seen it yet, and I want to know what there is to say about it.

Before you click away from this review to read a review of The Batman from “a guy who has already seen it” who may or may not be a “professional movie critic,” please note that I have seen Batman movies before. In fact, all of them. So I’m not totally left in the dark here. Like Bane. Remember Bane? While you were merely raised in the dark, he was born in it and molded by it. Personally, that’s not something I’d be bragging about to friends at cocktail parties like he does, but he also blows up stadiums while Hines Ward returns kickoffs, so he’s a little odd to begin with. Probably not a whole lot of reasoning with him either.

The Batman stars Robert Pattinson (Tenet, Twilight, Remember Me, Twilight 2, Twilight 3, was there a Twilight 4? If so, he was in it), who I’m going to assume plays Bruce Wayne. For those that don’t know, Bruce Wayne is a billionaire playboy who – since he’s played by Pattinson – clearly can’t afford a comb. I’m also going to assume that very early on, we learn Bruce Wayne’s alter ego is a hero vigilante who protects Gotham city by bringing justice to the streets and nearly beating his worst villains to death before giving them an out at the last second. Now if you’re curious if this Bruce fella has parents or not, I’m sure this movie will tell you as every Batman movie has. And don’t worry, if they’re not still around and just so happened to die a horribly painful death, I’m sure the movie will explain that with some sort of shaky-camera and echoey flashback.

The movie also stars Lenny Kravitz’s daughter who may or may not be the American woman he sings about in his hit song, “Fly Away.” I’m not sure who she plays, maybe Catwoman? Or maybe she’s just an extra who works in a record shop like she did in the short-lived show High Fidelity. According to IMDB, John Turturro is in The Batman as well. However, if I have to be critical of this film that I have yet to see, it’s here. Because apparently, he doesn’t play Alfred, which is essentially the same role he played in Mr. Deeds. I’m not sure what role he plays in this new version, but I’m willing to bet he’s not near as “very very sneaky, sir” as he was in that classic. Colin Ferrall is in it as well, who you may remember from his Academy Award-winning performance in the movie Phonebooth, where for an hour and a half he was inside of a phonebooth. I know phonebooths are a lot like Colin Ferrall by struggling to stay relevant, but I’m hoping he pops in one during this movie for old time’s sake. And lastly, Paul Dano is in this movie. If you don’t know Paul Dano by name, it’s ok. Neither did I before looking it up on IMDB. But he’s the guy who looks like if Cousin Greg from Succession made an offspring with the bad guy from Red Eye/Scarecrow from Batman Begins. He’s also in Looper, if that helps. But anyway, he’s in this movie too, I guess.

I do know the movie takes place in Gotham City. Don’t ask me how, but I just know.

Personally, I feel like this movie will be really good. Why? Because the trailers make the movie appear very poorly lit and always overcast – which, as we’ve learned through the years, makes for very entertaining and very gritty superhero reboots. You want to be a box office smash? Don’t you dare show color and/or the sun shining. Personally, I think it’s hard for a Batman movie to fail as long as you abide by two rules: 1. don’t put Ben Affleck in it, and 2. don’t put nipples on the suit.

Can’t wait to see it!

I give it 4.5 out of 5 Billy Zanes.

The post A Review of ‘The Batman’ From A Guy Who Hasn’t Seen It Yet appeared first on Korked Bats.

And I’m sure some of you may be upset I haven’t even mentioned his Dancing With The Stars title. Not to brag.

But now, Von can add another award to his already impressive hardware: World’s Most Terrifying Tattoo.

Have you ever heard of the old saying: “[insert name] can turn chicken poop into chicken salad.” That’s not how it goes? I think you understand what I’m trying to say here. Von Miller made chicken salad out of chicken poop. You may be wondering just where I’m going with this so let me provide a brief background:

A week before the 2020 NFL season was set to kick off, Von Miller went down with what could best be described as a freak ankle injury on a non-contact drill at practice. Brutal. Von needed season-ending surgery. Luckily for Von, his ankle picked a good year to get injured. His team is currently one game away from last place in the AFC West and suffered one of the most embarrassing losses in the NFL season. The Broncos had to start Starbucks barista Kendall Hinton after their entire quarterback room was in COVID protocol. Well, except this guy of course…

Fast-forward to NFL Week 14, Von provided his fans (and opposing quarterbacks) with an update:

Let this blog post be a PSA for my fiancée. I will be sleeping with the lights on for the foreseeable future. I am absolutely terrified, and I couldn’t imagine being a quarterback in the NFL seeing this. I never thought I’d type this forthcoming sentence, but… my dreams have officially been haunted by Von Miller’s ankle. Thank goodness for socks, I guess? Clearly you can see this isn’t Von’s first tat, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it’s his scariest. It’s like how they say: you either injure your ankle or have surgery long enough to see it become the villain. Or something like that.

Basically, Von went from a chicken poop ankle injury to one of the most badass looking chicken salad tattoos.

The post Well, Von Miller’s New Tattoo Is Absolutely Terrifying… Good Luck Trying To Sleep At Night appeared first on Korked Bats.

Most of these celebrities’ profiles aren’t anything special. They’re largely just pictures of them on set or behind the scenes. Some highlight that their lives are just as mundane as ours when they’re not working or at home. Others use their platform to highlight the grandness of their status in society. Typically stuff I scroll past just so I can see how many likes/comments @thecineboiz is getting in an effort to boost my fragile ego. Through all of the social-media sites however, I must say that no celebrity’s profile or handle has captured my attention more than Michael Keaton’s Instagram. In honor of his 69th birthday (nice), I’d like to share some of my favorites and make my case as to why we as a society should officially crown him America’s Instagram Dad.

(Head’s up: some of these posts highlight Mr. Keaton’s personal politics and this post is in no way endorsing or condemning anyone’s political views or leanings. It’s simply to highlight how he executes posting content.)

Exhibit A: Photo of American Flag on Porch; Montana Landscape Backdrop; unrelated caption.

This photo could be made the standard desktop background for every American dad and absolutely none of them would bother changing it. I’m not a dad, and I’m getting emotional just looking at it. Where this post truly shines though is in it’s caption, “Read my friend Mike Barnicle’s piece in the Daily Beast please.” No links, no tags, no context for what the article is about. Just a directive for you to go read an article. Solid Dad-Flex, Beetlejuice.

Exhibit B: Dog in Snow; Four Wheeler Tracks; dad-joke about social distancing in caption.

There’s perhaps no greater relationship than a dad and his dog. Here Daddy-Keats sneaks in some more landscape (this time it’s Montana in the snow) and includes his dog in the photo. Again, the caption is where he hits the home-run. It’s timely and straight-up dad. “Doing his best to socially distance.” Fantastico, Batman. *chef’s kiss*

Exhibit C: Multiple Posts; iPhone Camera Photos of TV and Newspapers used as Screen Shots.

First, a video of his TV while he watched Bridesmaids. Keeping his dad-game strong.

Next, a picture of his desktop screen to share an article he was reading at the time. Pro-Tip, it is ABSOLUTELY un-Dad to hit that share button…take an iPhone pic, scrubs.

Next is what we call a straight-up DAD POWER MOVE. A photo of the newspaper article he was reading. As long as we have Dads, print is not dead.

Finally, bringing out the big-guns… an iPhone video, taken by Keats of Kimberly Guilfoyle at the RNC. Caption: “She might be Cray Cray”.

24k Dad-Gold.

If the evidence pleases the court, I rest my case. Happy Birthday to Michael Keaton: Bat-Dad of Instagram.

Listen to The Cineboiz Podcast and follow on Twitter and Instagram

The post Happy Birthday, Michael Keaton! America’s Instagram Dad appeared first on Korked Bats.

Yesterday, Matt Reeves, the director of The Batman staring Robert Pattinson, tweeted out our first images of the brand new Batmobile, and yowza is it sick.

This car will make your nipples harder Clooney’s bat suit.

It looks like the car that your dad spent years restoring in the shed out behind your house, hoping one day that he would hand it down to you, but he never did because you got in that one fender bender when you were 17.

This might be the first Batmobile with windshield wipers.

And the first Batmobile with turn signals. You don’t want the Caped Crusader making illegal lane changes.

I’m not a huge car guy, but I’ve watched enough Home Improvement to tell that’s a good engine. They don’t build crappy engine’s on the outside of cars. That’s why you never saw exposed engines on the cars from Pimp My Ride. Xzibit and his team would put freaking microwaves and disco balls into beat up 1993 Ford Tauruses, but they wouldn’t spend a second on that car’s busted up engine.

So with this unveil, it got me thinking, where do all of the Batmobiles rank? So I made a list. Let’s get to it…

8. Christian Bale’s Batmobile (2005-2008)

Look, I’m not trying to start any Wars of Gotham here. I know some people just want to watch the world burn. But not me. I think the Chris Nolan Batman movies are the best, but the Chris Nolan Batmobile is the absolute worst. A big part of these power rankings, to me, are based on how easy it would be to park. Could you imagine trying to parallel park this thing?

And if you valet, you’re going to have to pay more for the valet to leave it up front, because you know that pimple-faced teen isn’t going to be able to park it either. I mean, can this thing even fit into one lane on the highway?! Plus, good luck trying to get those tires replaced at a reasonable price. I just had to get four tires on my car replaced and I had to take out a second mortgage on my house to do so. I know Bruce Wayne is a billionaire, but he won’t be after one trip to Firestone.

Click the right arrow for the next one…

The post The Definitive Power Ranking of Batmobiles appeared first on Korked Bats.

PITTSBURGH- Long-time Batman villain and Matt Holliday look alike Bane has cancelled his plans to blow up Heinz Field because it would require him to attend a Pittsburgh Steelers game.

“Yeah, I had this extensive plan to lure the city’s entire police force underground while I blew up Heinz Field,” Bane admitted on the airwaves of a hijacked TV channel, sounding like an airplane captain talking over a muffled loudspeaker. “But honestly, the Steelers are playing like crap, and I’d rather not be seen at a Steelers game this year.”

“Could you imagine how embarrassing that would be?” Bane added. “Like, it’s bad enough that I’m balding and have to wear this electronic spider mouth mask. Plus, I feel like my work has been taken care of for me. The Steelers have been enough of a disaster already.”

The Steelers are currently on pace to have their worst season since 1988.

“I should blow up the stadium of a good team, like the Seahawks or something,” Bane continued. Upon hearing this, Seahawks fans became ecstatic, thinking that could help them reclaim their loudest stadium world record from Kansas City.

Pittsburgh’s most notable vigilante not named Ben Roethlisberger, Batman, actually agreed with his arch-villain Bane in a news conference held outside the police station.

“Honestly, watching the Steelers this year reminds me of watching my parents getting killed right in front of me,” Batman said in an uncomfortably deer voice. “Except, watching my parents’ murder was easier.”

Coincidentally, Pittsburgh playboy/billionaire and guy who looks a lot like Batman but definitely isn’t, Bruce Wayne also said the same thing when he arrived to the police station just minutes after Batman left.

Upon hearing the news of Bane’s cancelled plans, Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin said, “We really dodged a bullet with this.” Tomlin then let out a long sigh before continuing, “But honestly, I wish Bane would blow up our stadium. Preferably while we’re playing in it.”

Unfortunately, Commissioner Gordon could not be reached for comment as he was busy faking his own death again.

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Bane Cancels Plans To Blow Up Heinz Field, Doesn’t Want To Be Seen At A Steelers Game appeared first on Korked Bats.