And look, I don’t need to sit here and tell you all the people (RIP) and businesses we have lost due to the dreaded COCO. Life has been full of changes these last 9-ish months of quarantine. البلاك جاك

In fact, life during COCO has been full of change. Whether your dog has been wondering why you haven’t gone to work or walking up to grab a pizza and forgetting a mask in your car, changes have been everywhere.

As I was sitting here thinking about how it hasn’t snowed in Pittsburgh for years, it made me realize an unfortunate adverse effect of the aforementioned changes.

KIDS THESE DAYS WILL NEVER KNOW THE JOYS OF A SNOW DAY.

Please give a moment of silence to everyone who’s currently in school. COCO has taken yet another soul. And this time it’s the joy of little kids. Thanks to COCO forcing kids to attend their classes virtually, kids will NEVER have the opportunity to stay at home and go sledding and make snow angels and throw snowballs and build forts. Even if a school goes back to in-person classes, schools know that students can attend class virtually… how lucky!!! Man, how bad would that suck looking at the snow falling to the ground outside, and then getting yelled at for not paying attention to the damn teacher.

20 years from now, I’m going to put on the movie “Snow Day” and my kids are going to have so many questions. “Daddy, why aren’t these kids going to school?” they’ll probably ask out of curiosity. An entire movie about something that no longer exists. Guess we can put this in the same category as Jurassic Park.

Wow. Talk about sad. Pour one out for snow days. You could say they had a good run. But honestly, this is great material for when I’m an old grandpa. We’ll finally be able to retire that old saying “I used to walk uphill 15 miles both ways to school in the middle of a blizzard” and replace it with “Before they gave everyone laptops in school, they would shut down the entire school sometimes even with just a threat of snow.”

The post Please Join Me In Pouring One Out For Snow Days appeared first on Korked Bats.

You can go just about anywhere on the World Wide Web to receive fantasy football advice for who you should start every week. ESPN, Yahoo, Better Homes and Gardens, literally anywhere! However, there is only one place on the World Wide Web where you can go to receive fantasy football advice of who you SHOULD NOT start every week. And that place is KorkedBats.com. You’re welcome.

Week 12

Well, we’re just about 3/4ths of the way through the season. Hopefully many of you are still alive. Not just in your fantasy leagues, but in general. The Sunday after Thanksgiving is always a vital day. Not only are you probably still food coma’d, but depending on your family situation, you may or may not have jumped out a second-story window during a political debate. The good news is, the holidays are half-over. You’ve got a few weeks to recover before Christmas (or Hanukkah – shout out Judaism!), so rest up. And let’s win some fantasy football games in the meantime, ok?

This one might be obvious, but this week, you should NOT start any Denver Broncos quarterback. And while this may seem obvious this week, considering every single one of them is in quarantine, this advice is actually relevant for any week of the NFL season. And really any week since Peyton Manning retired.

The Broncos, who are GM’d by one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time, have been somewhat cursed at the quarterback position. Paxton Lynch, Brock Osweiler, Trevor Siemian, Case Keenum, Joe Flacco, (maybe) Drew Lock (too early to call), Jeff Driskel, Brandon Allen, and don’t forget Brett Rypien. And hell, let’s go ahead and throw Kendall Hinton to that list too.

You know Kendall Hinton, right? He’s the Broncos practice squad wide receiver who was called up yesterday to start under center this week. I’m sure that will go well. I mean, it can’t be any worse then when Joe Flacco was a Bronco, amirite?!

And sure, the Broncos are playing a team who is essentially in the same boat as their only choices at quarterback are Jameis Winston and a Mormon Tim Tebow. So here’s some bonus advice: don’t start a Saints quarterback either.

So look, if you like winning fantasy football, steer clear of Broncos quarterbacks… not just this week, but every week.

Check out last week’s Who NOT To Start…

The post Who NOT To Start In Fantasy Football – Week 12 appeared first on Korked Bats.

The Ravens are the latest team to force an NFL schedule shake-up, now slated to play Tuesday night in Pittsburgh, after more than a dozen players tested positive for COVID-19 in the past week. One of those players is 2019 MVP Lamar Jackson, who won’t play despite the organization’s efforts to complain their way to the aforementioned schedule push. Barring some unlikely RGKnee magic, it’s looking as though the Ravens’ desperation won’t be rewarded.

Baltimore Bat Wings

As we are all aware, the rumor that a bat started the COVID outbreak is probably not true, but we can’t officially confirm that. So bat it is for this recipe that will at least make you as sick as many Ravens are this week. This is mostly for Ravens fans, who are the worst people, but anyone looking to induce a hospitalized level of ill will love this simple, nearly inedible gameday snack!

Specific equipment/materials:

• Baking sheet with sides
• Cooling racks
• Heavy-duty file
• Health insurance

Ingredients:

• 6 bats (12 wings)
• 4 tbsp. olive oil
• 12 cups Old Bay
• Salt and pepper to taste
• Celery and blue cheese dressing for serving

Directions:

1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
2. Cut the wings off of all of your bats, and place the rest of the bat bodies in various corners around your house (this helps ensure a toxic, diseased environment if the wings don’t somehow make you sick).
3. Pat your wings dry to remove any blood that seeped out, then crudely apply 1 cup of Old Bay to each wing. That may seem like a lot, but anyone from Baltimore will probably tell you it’s not enough (Old Bay is good, but it’s not so good that all your food has to taste only like it, you Chesapeake freaks). Add salt and peppers to taste, then drizzle each wing with a bit of olive oil.
4. Line your baking sheet with aluminum foil and place the cooling racks on top. Arrange your bat wings on top of the cooling racks.
5. Bake your bat wings for 20 minutes, then turn and bake for 20 more. Turn one final time and bake for a final 20 minutes. That’s a total of 60 minutes, or 1 hour, for those of you who are too stupid to actually be attempting this recipe.
6. During baking time, file your teeth down to sharp points. This is important, as there is virtually no meat on bat wings, making them really tough (honestly not sure if this is true, but there’s no way these would be tender).
7. Serve with a side of celery and blue cheese dressing, and enjoy warm with a glass of Ocean City seawater to get preemptively salty for the Steelers game that you’ll most definitely lose.
8. Call an ambulance. You may die if you don’t seek immediate medical help. You probably wouldn’t even be worried about COVID at this point as much as you would be contracting some sort of terrible life-threatening “food” poisoning.

This recipe is clearly not safe. Don’t eat bat—ever. What you should do, however (if you’re a Ravens fan), is prepare for a long, grueling, stressful end to your Super Bowl hopes. While we wish everybody in the Ravens organization a speedy recovery, this ill-timed outbreak serves to diminish any chances of this team getting back to 2019 form. Might as well just give up now and start Poe at quarterback.

The post Gameday Grub Of The Week: Baltimore Bat Wings appeared first on Korked Bats.

So let me get this straight. The NFL is shutting the door on facilities for 2 days… Monday and Tuesday? Alright, yeah that makes sense. What’s the only problem? Oh, just the 14 games scheduled for Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday (maybe? who the hell knows.) The closing of facilities doesn’t include the games scheduled. But no, I’m sure closing facilities after grown men play tackle football against each other on Sunday is the best solution for stopping COVID.

They are shutting facilities down because of players and staff getting together with family and friends over Thanksgiving. But I guess the NFL is allowed to invite some friends over to play some football immediately after the holiday. Makes sense. The two days should give the virus enough time to pass through facilities. Come Monday morning, COVID will be wondering where everyone went and probably just leave when nobody shows up.

Maybe I’m just bitter because I was supposed to go to the Steelers/Ravens game on Thanksgiving night. Shortly after they announced the game was being moved the day before Thanksgiving, the Steelers also announced that fans will no longer be allowed to attend games. Great. Not only was the game moved from the most important football holiday of the year, but now we can’t go at all. Double whammy. So yeah my Thanksgiving was ruined by a rat pigeon Raven. Too bad the NFL couldn’t have closed facilities for 2 days when the pandemic first started, it would’ve solved all of our problems.

Rumor has it the planes are just filled with two days worth of closed NFL facilities.

P.S. – For those keeping score, this whole thing gets a giant Ben Roethumberger down.

The post The NFL Has Finally Found The Cure To COVID appeared first on Korked Bats.

Santa Claus is coming to town. And he’s not bringing COVID-19.

At least, that’s the word from Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation’s leading infectious disease expert.

“Santa is exempt from this because Santa, of all the good qualities, has a lot of good innate immunity,” Fauci told USA TODAY this week.

It should come as no surprise. As children already know, Santa is superhuman. He flies around the world in one night, delivers millions of toys and eats his weight in cookies.

But with millions of Americans already sick with COVID-19, children have been worried about Santa, especially this Christmas Eve when he visits millions of homes. And there’s no denying that Santa, because he is older and overweight, would at first glance appear to be at higher risk of developing severe disease from COVID-19.

Fauci is telling kids not to worry, though. “Santa is not going to be spreading any infections to anybody,” he said.

Oh hell yeah, Santa! I knew that fat man would overcome this virus. Dude delivers every Christmas Eve without fail, so why wouldn’t you expect him to deliver here.

I’m not a big Christmas before Thanksgiving guy, but this news was too big not to blog about. This is good news for more reasons than one, because with Kris Kringle’s overbearing weight issues, you’d have to think he’d be at risk. I don’t want to assume, but you have to think Ol’ Saint Nick is a diabetic with the amount of milk and cookies he’s consumes in a 24-hour period every single year. And you can’t think that’s the only night he cheats on his diet. Just look at him. You know he’s sneaking some Chips Ahoy when Mrs. Claus isn’t looking.

So the fact that he can’t carry or contract COVID might be the latest in a long line of Christmas miracles. (If you need examples of any others, just turn on Hallmark Channel or Lifetime anytime now through the holidays.)

I mean, yeah, this does suck for Santa himself, because this means he still has to go into work this year – and nobody has a suckier job than Kris Kringle – and I can say that having worked the second suckiest job: refolding the clothes in the clearance section of an Old Navy. So I’m sure it’s kinda bittersweet for him, so maybe don’t celebrate this news too much.

Also, I can’t finish this blog without asking the question that’s on all of our minds… no not that fact that Dr. Fauci’s parents clearly never told him, but more so along the lines of why aren’t scientists using Santa’s blood to test towards a vaccine. If Dolly Parton donated A MILLION DOLLARS, the least Santy can donate is a bit of his time inside a Red Cross trailer. I mean, if he’s immune, we need to know why! Are milk and cookies the antidote? If so, I need my wife to get off my back already about my intake.

You can’t just hit us with this massive news without expecting these follow-ups. Anyway, here’s an artist’s rendering of what Santa would look like with COVID. Merry Christmas.

P.S. – How lucky is Santa that he doesn’t have to wear a mask through the holidays?

The post Good News: Dr. Fauci Says Santa Claus Is Immune From Spreading COVID-19 appeared first on Korked Bats.

Why hello there, Week 5. You’re coming together quite nicely. Check this:

• Thursday Night game
• Seven (7) early games on Sunday
• Four (4) late Sunday games (hello, October witching hour)
• Sunday Night game
• Two (2) Monday Night games
• Tuesday night game

That’s 4 of the next 6 days giving us at least one NFL game. And why is the schedule formatted this way again? *checks notes* Oh, would ya looky there? That’s right! It’s all thanks to the Tennessee Titans.

Kinda awkward now, isn’t it? We just went through a week of solid hate and vitriol toward the Titans being wall papered all over the internet. Like they were Darren Rovell or something. And let me tell you, folks, the takes were piping hot. The Take Siren was sounding all week. Mainly looking at you, Doug Farrar.

People were pissed not just for their inability to get healthy, but also because of the reports of them practicing while their facilities were closed. And look, I get it. I understand the frustration. My hand has been cramping from doing the Arthur fist meme all week. I’ve been very frustrated. So I can only imagine how non-Titans fans feel.

But now?

Now thanks to the Tennessee Titans, we’re getting NFL football on Thursday, Sunday, Monday (two games!), TUESDAY (!), and then again on Saturday, Sunday and Monday of NEXT week. Are you kidding me? By the time these next too weeks are over, you’re gonna be Ben Stiller at the end of Dodgeball with how much football you stuff down your gullet.

I’m legitimately trying to think of a better week of football in the history of the sport, and nothing is coming to mind. We’re getting NFL MACtion next week.*

* – if it was possible to make this asterisk any bigger, I would’ve. Because obviously, this isn’t just any footnote. The Titans have to go the next FIVE days without a positive COVID test. Now you might be thinking, is there anyone left on their roster who HASN’T tested positive yet? Well, yes. But I get your point. This is a tall ask who hasn’t had anything go right since Week 3 ended. So keep the fingers in your balled up fists crossed. Plus, we all know what happened last time I bragged about the Titans gifting someone a primetime game.

The next two weeks will be a football festival. So when you get your wristbands for Football Coach-ella, Austin City Limitless Football, or Footballapalooza, just remember who the title sponsor of this event is. First name Tennessee, last name Titans.

Wrench arrow.

The post Wanna Hate The Titans? That’s Fine. But They’re Responsible For Giving Us The Best NFL Week Ever appeared first on Korked Bats.

The Titans already faced a potentially significant punishment for alleged protocol breaches that fueled an outbreak of COVID-19. Given the news that the team apparently gathered to practice last week after expressly being told not to do so, the Titans could be facing a consequence the likes of which the NFL has never seen.

There’s buzz in league circles of possible “historic” punishment for the Titans given the various violations.

Maybe this is just my opinion, but you never want to hear your favorite NFL team’s name in a sentence along with the words “historic” and “punishment.” But yet here we are. Welcome to the nightmare.

Instead of waiting for the extremely fast and ever-evolving news cycle, I figured I’d go ahead and throw out some potential “historic” punishments the Titans could face:

• Make the Titans forfeit against the Bills
  • but not this week’s game, they have to forfeit the Music City Miracle
• Fine the Titans…
  • …but they have to pay in Bitcoin.
• Titans have to play the rest of the season in the Jaguars’ old uniforms
  • the ones with the two-toned gradient helmets
• Bussin’ With The Boys must now record in a 2000 Nissan Altima
  • a lot less leg room
• Randy Moss has to be named the Titans #1 receiver again
  • at his current age
• Zack Mettenberger has to be named the Titans #1 quarterback again
  • good news for him, selfies are still in style
• Only time players can leave their homes is to go out with Pacman Jones
  • good luck with that one, guys
• Make Derrick Henry run backwards the whole game
  • probably still wouldn’t make a difference, to be honest
• Stephen Gostkowski has to go back to kicking with both socks on
  • just like he did in Denver in Week 1
• Will Compton has to have his veneers removed
  • brace yourself for this one, figuratively and literally

• Mike Vrabel has to cut off his penis
  • even without winning a Super Bowl
• Jeff Fisher has to coach the remainder of the season
  • ever see a 3-0 record transform into a 7-9 record?
• Titans have to always wear masks both on and off the field
  • fine print: …but they’re T-Rac masks
• All team meetings must take place in Mike Vrabel’s basement.
  • while his son poops with the door open

• The Titans players who worked out at that high school have to now enroll into that school for the remainder of the semester
  • all those players would have to miss Thursday Night Football since it’s on a school night
• FedEx every player to random country in a shipping container with no money, I.D., or clothes
  • whoever can make it back in time for Sunday can play
• They are now the Tennessee Tits
  • sorry, dems the rules
• They have to live in Nissan Stadium
  • just like those Baker Mayfield Progressive commercials
• They have to watch all of those Baker Mayfield Progressive commercials
  • in replace of watching film each week
• The Titans are now in the XFL
  • big loss for the franchise, but big win for The Rock

The post Potential Punishments The NFL Should Impose On The Titans For Breaking COVID Protocols appeared first on Korked Bats.

NASHVILLE, Tenn. – A group of Titans worked out at Montgomery Bell Academy on Sept. 30 despite an NFL directive not to hold such get-togethers while team headquarters was closed because of a COVID-19 outbreak, according to sources who saw players there.

A league source said that once the Titans building was closed down on Sept. 29, the franchise was told there were to be “no in-person meetings, workouts or activities at the facility or elsewhere.”

Damn, this is incriminating. But hey, at least it was just offensive guys, right? Good thing there weren’t any defensive players there.

Welp. Sunovabitch.

Put this Titans season in a Six Flags, because it’s been one hell of a ride so far. Hell, put these last two weeks alone at Cedar Point. Coming off their first 3-0 start since 2008 (literally the Bush administration), the Titans proceed to test positive for COVID-19. And then they test positive again. And again. And again. And again like 17 more times. And while their facility was shut down, 15 players decided to get together and workout together.

I’m gonna deliver a piping hot take here, but this probably wasn’t the best idea.

When your entire team’s facility gets shut down for COVID it doesn’t mean move your practice to another facility. This is frustrating. I’m as big of a Titans homer as anyone, but this is dumb. The Titans were idiots here, and they somehow found a way to ruin a perfect season (thus far).

Now, what’s going to happen? Is the NFL going to drop the hammer? Probably. And to be real, they should. I don’t want them to. But I’m self aware enough to know if this happened to the Colts, I’d want the NFL to fine them, take draft picks, make them forfeit, shave Andrew Luck’s neck beard, and tear down their Peyton Manning statue.

However, it doesn’t appear forfeits are in place.

And then there’s this take from Titans offensive guard Rodger Saffold:

Rodger, I appreciate you sticking up for your guys, but this ain’t it. The rebuttal here is, if guys are really looking out for “their lively hood, their family, their opportunity” then they shouldn’t be getting together with teammates from a franchise that has been plagued by this virus. In the midst of guys testing positive left and right, every single day, maybe DON’T get together in groups? Just a thought.

So how did this scoop come about?

Students at the private school saw a large group of adult football players they identified as Titans working out on the school’s field during classes in the middle of the day. Another source said he saw Ryan Tannehill there.

What the hell is up with these high school students snitching on the Titans? In my day, snitches got stitches. But this went down at MBA, an all-boys private school in Nashville. I went to public school in middle Tennessee, so, not sure how these private school preppies handle things. It’s likely their dad’s are all lawyers so they probably snitch every chance they get. Do people still call it Mama’s Boy Academy? Because they should.

P.S. – Shout out to Paul Kuharsky for being all over this story.

P.P.S. – If/when NFL punishment comes down, they should punish everyone but the DB’s. If anyone has seen the Titans defense this year, then you know how bad they need all the work they can get. The Titans defense couldn’t even stop COVID OR Kirk Cousins.

The post The Titans Broke NFL Protocols And Worked Out Together Last Week Like A Bunch Of Idiots appeared first on Korked Bats.

A wise man once said, “To win a championship, you must not have coronavirus.”

Don’t let the Titans get hot. You hear me? Do NOT let the Titans get hot. I mean that both in terms of their play on the football field and their temperature off of it.

But for the first time in the last week, the Titans had no more guys test positive for coco. Sure, they need one for day of no new positives before they can re-open their facilities, but this is good news for the Tennessee Titans and bad news for the rest of football, especially the Buffalo Bills. شرح لعبة روليت Because as I’ve always said, you never want to meet a well-rested Titans team in Week 5.

And yeah, sure, maybe half the squad will be out. استراتيجية روليت

• defensive lineman DaQuan Jones
• long snapper Beau Brinkley
• tight end Tommy Hudson (practice squad)
• outside linebacker Kamalei Correa
• cornerback Kristian Fulton
• cornerback Greg Mabin (practice squad)
• wide receiver Adam Humphries
• wide receiver Cam Batson
• defensive lineman Jeffery Simmons (this one sucks… my thoughts and prayers go out to covid)

But even half of this year’s Titans roster equals the full roster of any other team. Is this an extremely biased take? You betcha. But that doesn’t make it not true. bwin sport

Plus, no surprise, but I don’t see Derrick Henry’s name listed on there. Hmmm. Probably because even the rona can’t overcome that stiff arm. If grown men in the NFL have trouble taking Derrick down, you know a virus from a bat has no luck whatsoever.

It’s weird that this NFL season has been dwindled down to health tests and inspections determining which teams are real threats this year. Never in the 101-year history of the league have we ever been like, “I think the Patriots are good this year, but they contracted that disease that has crippled the entire globe this year, so I’m going with the Bills to win the East.”

One more day of negatives, and this team is back. Back on the hunt to win the division, the AFC, and the Super Bowl. I know everything was up in the air for a while, but Titans fans, you can go ahead and book your flights and hotels for Tampa.

The post Winning A Super Bowl Takes Heart, Talent, & Negative COVID Tests, And Guess What? The Titans Now Have All Three appeared first on Korked Bats.

Yesterday, I wrote a blog demanding a thank you from the Steelers. On the surface, the Titans testing positive may have seemed like a bad thing. But as it turned out, it appeared the Titans and Steelers was going to be moved to Monday or Tuesday which meant one thing: PRIMETIME, BABY! I felt like the Steelers should thank the Titans for gifting them their FIFTH primetime game of the season. Because the only thing better than FOUR primetime games is FIVE, right? I’m actually asking. I wouldn’t know. I’m a Titans fan.

Well, as we learned in March. COVID news travels faster than Chris Johnson in his prime. Because as we learned today, the Titans-Steelers game will now be played later in the season.

Which means, both the Titans and Steelers are forced to take their BYE week this week, rather than later in the season when they probably actually need it. Ummm… how do I put this best?

Oops.

Yeah, hand raised here. This is our bad. The Titans effed this one up to where they’re not only screwing up their own season, now they’re screwing up the season of their former AFC Central foe. But I can assure you, it’s not intentional.

So let me turn my “your welcome” into a straight up “I’m sorry.” I’m sure yinz in Pittsburgh were looking forward to this game as much as Nashville was. Hell, this was supposed to be the first game with fans. And on top of that, now they’re forced to take their bye week a lot sooner when they did literally nothing wrong. The Steelers are essentially the team the Gotham Rogues played in Dark Knight Rises. They did nothing wrong. They just wanted to play football. But because the stadium security for the Rogues was so bad, they ended up getting blown up too. It’s a shame really. So sorry for blowing you up.

But look, it’s not goodbye. Well, it is a BYE. But not a good one. So it’s not goodbye. It’s see ya later.

Like Week 7.

Even though I’m kinda with Grit and would be down for a little Wednesday night action.

The post Alright, I’m Actually Sorry, Steelers. You Don’t Deserve This appeared first on Korked Bats.