Forget Sweeney Todd, this barber is the most dangerous person in the world with a pair of shears in his hand. Luckily, they were able to pull the barber “mid-cut” but unluckily for Daniel Kilgore, he now looks like this.

Now, not to be that guy, but does any of this make you raise your eyebrows at all?

It’s a bit of a long shot, but hear me out.

Tom Brady, as a Patriot, has an extensive and very well-documented history of being a cheater.

• 2001 – “Tuck Rule”
• 2007 – “Spy-Gate”
• 2014 – falsified injury reports
• 2014 – “Deflategate”
• 2015 – Headset “malfunctions” against the Steelers
• 2019 – Bengals video scandal
• 2021 – “FADEGATE”????

And honestly, I’m probably missing some. Fast-forward to the 2020 season, Tom’s first year as a Buccaneer. There was absolutely zero indication of the Patriots cheating this year. And Lord knows they needed to cheat with Cam Newton trying to fill Tom’s shoes at QB. After posting a 7-9 record, that’s clearly not a team guilty of cheating their way to victory. So what was different about this year, you ask? The answer is simple and he is 43-years-old.

Am I suggesting that Tom Brady orchestrated the hiring of a barber for the Chiefs who knowingly had COVID? Yes. That’s exactly what I’m suggesting. Tom is out here playing chess while the rest of the NFL is playing Call of Duty or dancing on Tik Tok. Open your eyes, sheeple. And stay woke.

P.S. — Next time Kilgore should just go to Sport Clips where IT’S GOOD TO BE A GUY!

The post Who Doesn’t Love A Good Pre-Super Bowl Conspiracy? Especially One Involving Barbers appeared first on Korked Bats.

FOXBOROUGH, MASS — Tom Brady announced on his Facebook page like some sort of out-of-touch aunt that he will not appeal the NFL’s appeal of his appeal of the NFL’s appeal of his appeal of the NFL’s appeal of his appeal.

This means he will be forced to serve a 4-game suspension to start the 2016 NFL season. Unless he decides to appeal his non-appeal of the NFL’s appeal of his appeal of the NFL’s appeal of his appeal.

Brady’s Facebook post sent shock waves through the NFL, leaving many in the sports world surprised. Not because Brady was declining to continue the appeal merry-go-round, but because Brady’s post was the only non-political post on Facebook.

In the post, Brady wrote:

“I’m very grateful for the overwhelming support I’ve received from Mr. Kraft, the Kraft family, drunk Ben Affleck on Bill Simmons’ HBO show, Bill Simmons, coach Belichick, my coaches, my guys the “Deflators,” UGGs, the NFLPA, my agents, my agents’ agents, Commissioner Roger Goodell, my loving family and most of all, our fans. Oh, and my teammates, even the ones who’s names I can’t remember. It has been a challenging 7 years of Deflategate and I have made the difficult decision to no longer proceed with the legal process. This whole process has left me deflated and I just want it to end. Plus, 3 of the 4 games I will miss will be at home against crappy teams. Seriously, if Jimmy Garoppolo can’t beat the Dolphins, Texans, and Bills at home, then the NFL should suspend HIM for four games. Anyway, I’m going to work hard to be the best cheater player I can be for the New England Patriots. I look forward to having the extra time off opportunity to return to New York Fashion Week the field this fall.”

Without another appeal from Brady, this seemingly puts an end to the Deflategate saga, which has lasted since the Reagan administration. Just kidding. Like Jason Voorhees, the Fast & the Furious franchise, and cargo shorts, Deflategate will never die.

The post Tom Brady Announces He Will Not Appeal the NFL’s Appeal of His Appeal… Appeal appeared first on Korked Bats.

Roger Goodell and Patriots owner Robert Kraft already have met, spoke and even hugged, per an industry source who witnessed it.

— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) May 19, 2015

Wait… The two of them hugged?! C’mon Schefty, don’t hold back the deets. We totes need more. Like what were they wearing? Was Bobby Kraft into it? Did they kiss? Was it sensual?! OH. MY. GAHHH! I gotta text Becky. Where’s my phone?!

So, at least the one thing we do know is that Roger Goodell and Robert Kraft are back together, making for one of the greatest romantic comedy storylines ever! You know, a couple comes together with an adorable meet cue (Spygate). After a few years, the girl (Robert Kraft) makes it big (wins the Super Bowl) but the guy (Roger Goodell) is pressured by his friends (Ted Wells) into breaking up with her (deliver punishments and suspensions), but after a while, the two come back together and live happily ever after… until the Patriots cheat again, of course.

So now that we have our rom-com story, all we need now is a name for it. Luckily, we’ve already created 17 potential titles…

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The post 17 Potential Romantic Comedies Starring Roger Goodell and Robert Kraft appeared first on Korked Bats.

The post Sports Balls – May 14, 2015 appeared first on Korked Bats.

Google knows almost as much as Bill Belichick.

The post Tom Brady Gets The Google “Questions” Commercial Parody He Deserves [VIDEO] appeared first on Korked Bats.

The NFL punished the New England Patriots this week for their role in DeflateGate, by suspending their quarterback Tom Brady 4 games without pay, taking away their 2016 1st round draft pick and their 2017 4th round draft pick, and fining the team $1 million.

However, since they’re the [expletive] Patriots, they’ll probably turn this setback into one of the most positive outcomes ever. In fact, we’ve come up with 7 outcomes that could possibly (and probably will) happen from these league-issued punishments.

1. Tom Brady Gets Tom Brady’d

We all know Tom Brady was a 7th round draft pick who was discovered after Drew Bledsoe was injured. Well, four Super Bowl rings, three Super Bowl MVP’s, and two NFL MVP’s later, Tom Brady is considered one of the greatest quarterbacks (and UGGs spokesman) in the history of the NFL.

Now that he has to sit out the first four games of the 2015 season, Tom Brady is in prime position to get Tom Brady’d. Which for Tom Brady and Patriots haters would be both hilarious and awesome, right? …Right?

Wrong.

Jimmy Garoppolo will step in for Brady and play out of his mind for those four games. He’ll post video game-like numbers while leading the Patriots to a 4-0 record to start the season. Garoppolo’s play will be so great, the Patriots will be forced to keep him as their starter over the aging Tom Brady. (Ha! Suck it, Brady!)

BUT… Garoppolo will then go on to win four Super Bowls, three Super Bowl MVP’s, and two NFL MVP’s for the New England Patriots. (Crap.)

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2. Jimmy Garoppolo Gets Injured In Minicamp, Backup Takes Over

What could be the worst case scenario for the New England Patriots? Tom Brady gets suspended to start the season and backup Jimmy Garoppolo breaks his collarbone and tears an ACL at the same time during minicamp. 3rd string quarterback Garrett Gilbert would then become the starter, right? No. Remember, this is the Bill Belichick-ran New England Patriots.

Bill would get creative and turn a washed-up veteran defensive tackle into a quarterback, and the team would find a way to win four games in Brady’s absence. Other teams will then try the new “defensive tackle as quarterback” philosophy that worked so well for Belichick and the Patriots, but will fail horrendously (and comically) at it.

Bill Belichick will then be touted as a greater mastermind and genius than he already is. Friggin’ Belichick.

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3. Patriots Bench Jimmy Garoppolo, Start Janeane Garofalo

In a hilarious turn of events and an effort to troll the rest of the NFL, the Patriots don’t start Jimmy Garappolo at quarterback, but instead, sign comedian Janeane Garofalo to start at quarterback. The Patriots then proceed to go 4-0 in the most entertaining and hilarious way possible in Brady’s absence.

They end up cutting Garofalo when Brady returns, because like every Saturday Night Live sketch, they just don’t know hot to end it.

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4. Jimmy Garoppolo Plays Great, Gets Traded

While Tom Brady serves his 4-game suspension, Jimmy Garoppolo emerges as a star with the potential to be a franchise quarterback. However, the Patriots already have their once-in-a-lifetime superstar quarterback in Brady, so clearly they don’t need Garoppolo too. So they throw him on the trading block, like he’s an aging Randy Moss.

The Patriots end up getting rid of him before the trade deadline. In return, they receive a 2016 1st round pick, a 2017 4th round pick, and $1 million cash, thus eliminating the penalties they were given from the NFL.

“Yeah, but who would give up that much for a quarterback with such a small sample size?” you ask?

The Browns. The Browns would.

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5. Tom Brady Becomes Academy Award Winning Actor

After the [mediocre] success of Ted 2 and his ability to endlessly lie in front of the media, Tom Brady decides to pursue his acting career even further. With his downtime this fall, Brady stars in two more movies which eventually land him multiple Golden Globe and Oscar nominations.

He later wins every award he’s nominated for, making his life more perfect and Leonardo DiCaprio’s life more sad.

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6. NFL Reduces Tom Brady’s Suspension After Appeal

The Patriots appeal their penalties and Tom Brady’s 4-game suspension and the NFL decides to reduce their penalties to nothing, because Patriots.

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7. Tom Brady Punches Gisele In An Elevator

Tom Brady knocks out his knockout wife, Gisele, and the NFL promptly reduced his suspension from 4 games to 2.

The post 7 Probable Outcomes From The New England Patriots’ DeflateGate Penalties appeared first on Korked Bats.

 It’s gonna be wicked hawd to find out which guy actually did it.

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This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Jimmy Kimmel Has Found The Man Responsible For DeflateGate [VIDEO] appeared first on Korked Bats.

PHOENIX, AZ — After a week full of accusations of cheating and talk of deflated footballs, the New England Patriots assure the nation that they will not cheat in the Super Bowl, and will make sure all of their Vortex footballs are fully inflated.

‘Wait… did they say Vortex footballs?” Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll asked, upon hearing the news. “Aren’t those the footballs that John Elway set a world record with, throwing the ball over 90 yards? How is that legal?”

The Patriots, an organization hated by everyone, plan to play the entire game with NERF’s Vortex footballs, in hopes no one will check the rule book.

“If a “dog can’t play basketball” isn’t in the basketball rule book, then a team “can’t play with Vortex footballs” definitely isn’t the football rule book,” Bill Belichick mumbled to the media, referencing Air Bud. “If it is against the rules, then we’ll just deny using them.”

The Seahawks organization plans to protest the Patriots’ future use of Vortex footballs. “We fully expect to receive a protest from the Seahawks,” the NFL said in a statement. “And when we do, we’ll do absolutely nothing for three months before sweeping the entire story under the rug, as is customary for any negative PR stories that come out about our league.”

When asked about the team’s footballs, Tom Brady said, “Don’t worry, these footballs will be inspected and inspected again to make sure they have the proper PSI.” Brady later added, “When it comes to footballs, some guys like them thin. Some guys like them tacky. Some guys like them brand new. Some guys like old balls. But me? I like balls with a tail. And a whistle.”

Roger Goodell could not be reached for comment as he is extremely busy doing nothing to prevent the NFL’s domestic violence crimes.

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This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Patriots Plan To Play With Fully Inflated Vortex Football In Super Bowl appeared first on Korked Bats.

It’s weird to find a Patriots fan with a “Who cares?” stance on DeflateGate.

On a somewhat related note, Louis C.K. was forced to cancel his show at Madison Square Garden last night ahead of the “historic” snowstorm that was predicted to hit New York City. Here is the hilarious email he sent to ticket holders:

Click on the image to make it larger.

(image via @JimmyTraina)

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This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Louis C.K. Gives His Opinion of DeflateGate on Letterman [VIDEO] appeared first on Korked Bats.

By now, we all know about DeflateGate. However, a week later, we still have questions. If anything, those three press conferences held by the New England Patriots last week brought more questions to light. These are the questions we still have about DeflateGate:

• Why hasn’t the NFL talked to Tom Brady or the New England Patriots yet?

• With what he said in his second press conference, is Bill Belichick lying? Is he actually a scientist?

• How can Tom Brady say he prefers a ball at 12.5 PSI, but then claim he can’t tell a difference between balls with different PSI’s?

• Can climate really affect 11 out of 12 footballs for only one team?

• Why didn’t I pay more attention during science in high school?

• If the Patriots were truly innocent, why wouldn’t they be more upset, or angry even, that people are accusing them of cheating?

• Is Roger Goodell not punishing the Patriots for DeflateGate because he’s friends with their owner, Robert Kraft?

• Why did Tom Brady randomly tell us that this isn’t ISIS?

• Does he know something we don’t know?

• Could this be ISIS?

• Are we going with “DeflateGate” or “Ballghazi”?

• Can anyone tell tell the difference between a Patriots press conference and an SNL skit anymore?

• With all this talk about cheating and deflated balls, where has Lance Armstrong been?

• Tom Brady said, “Some guys like old balls.” How exactly does he know that?

• Who did Bill Belichick borrow that nice button down shirt from?

• Why was Bill Belichick so dressed up and Tom Brady so dressed down?

• …Seriously. Did they have a Freaky Friday moment?

• Do we still think Michael Sam’s handling of balls is more of a distraction than the Patriots’ handling of balls?

• Was that the first time Bill Belichick ever said “rubdowns”?

• We all agree the Patriots suck, right?

• How much is that Gillette Flexball?

• In his press conference, Tom Brady was talking about testicles, right?

The post 22 Questions We Still Have About DeflateGate appeared first on Korked Bats.