I’m not one to place blame, but hear me out. How many diseases have the Vikings introduced into the world historically?

The first major pandemic occurring in the time of the Vikings (barely) was the Justinian plague. Some historians believe the plague of Justinian resulted in the deaths of an estimated 25–50 million people during the two centuries of its multiple recurrences, a death toll equivalent to 13–26% of the world’s population at the time of the first outbreak. The Justinian plague petered out in ca. AD 750, just before the Vikings raided England and Western Europe began, but not before the Vikings began roaming the Baltic Sea.

via this website

“Gee, grit, I havent heard of the Justinian plague. Is there another one I might register that the Vikings were responsible for?”

Glad you asked, hypothetical voice in my head, have you heard of smallpox?

Professor Eske Willerslev, of St John’s College, University of Cambridge, and director of The Lundbeck Foundation GeoGenetics Centre, University of Copenhagen, led the study.

He said: “We discovered new strains of smallpox in the teeth of Viking skeletons and found their genetic structure is different to the modern smallpox virus eradicated in the 20th century. We already knew Vikings were moving around Europe and beyond, and we now know they had smallpox. People travelling around the world quickly spread Covid-19 and it is likely Vikings spread smallpox. Just back then, they travelled by ship rather than by plane.

via this website

I’m not saying we should sharpen the pitchforks and light the torches yet, but this historical record of recklessly spreading disease must be in the forefront of the investigation.

#Vikinggate

The post The NFL’s COVID Outbreak And Other Diseases The Vikings Definitely Spread appeared first on Korked Bats.

We need to talk about Hornussen, but first I want to talk about this Hornussen hype video. It has everything you would expect from the production crew that brought you the 80’s Nickelodeon’s “Wild & Crazy Kids.” It has synthesized music, rhythmic cows, several slow motion clips of random things thrown in the air, headbands and oh that wonderful Star Wars opening crawl.

Now that that has been addressed we can talk about the game of games, Hornussen.

The earliest reference to Hornuss is found in the records of 1625 of the consistory of Lauperswil, canton Bern, in a complaint about the breaking of the Sabbath. Two men were fined the sum of 20 francs for playing Hornussen on Sunday.

via Hornussen Wikipedia page

The first reference to my new favorite game in recorded history is a complaint because the boys were getting rowdy on a Sunday? Count me in.

The Swiss-invented farmers golf requires a super long stick often made out of carbon fiber with a block of wood called a Träf at the end. You line up your drive and hit the “Hornuss” (basically a puck named after a hornet because it buzzes while its traveling at 180 miles-per-hour) toward your opponent who tries to swat your Horness with giant goddamn pizza paddles for some fucking reason. If your puck hits the ground you score a point (or something, I really don’t know yet).

This lies somewhere between golf and baseball with, on average, triple the follow through. Ken Griffey Jr. would dominate with that beautiful windmill swing. I’m all in on Hornussen, and I can finally stop attempting to understand the complicated piece of shit game called cricket.

As with anything interesting and fun, Red Bull gave it some wings. Red Bull’s version gets rid of the pizza flipping losers in the Back-40 and lets you long bomb radioactive Hornussi with no fears of killing livestock or kinfolk like you were a safety official at Chernobyl.

The post Grit is Horny, Horny for Hornussen appeared first on Korked Bats.

Well well well, what do we have here (insert random USA Today Sports writer)? Where in the absolute hell do they keep making little sniveling water-carrying pieces of shit like you? *Googles* Northwestern. Oh dammit.

September 16, 2020: “The Darkest Day in Big Ten History.”

Since I pulled my calendar out to note the date (per your request), I should probably find some more dates of interest so this masturbatory pantomime of a performance doesn’t go to waste.

Everyday from 1994-2009: “Jerry Sandusky”

On November 4, 2011, a grand jury that had been convened in September 2009, or earlier, indicted Sandusky on 40 counts of sex crimes against young boys. The indictment came after a three-year investigation that explored allegations of Sandusky having inappropriate contact with an underage boy over the course of four years, beginning when the boy was ten years old. The boy’s parents reported the incident to police in 2009. The grand jury identified eight boys who had been singled out for sexual advances or sexual assaults by Sandusky, taking place from 1994 through 2009. At least 20 of the incidents allegedly took place while Sandusky was still employed at Penn State.

via Jerry Sandusky’s Wikipedia page

Let’s keep going…

According to the first indictment, in 2002 assistant coach Mike McQueary, then a Penn State graduate assistant, said he walked in on Sandusky anally raping a ten-year-old boy. The next day, McQueary reported the incident to head coach Joe Paterno. (Later while testifying during the Sandusky trial, McQueary spoke about what he had relayed to Paterno: “I told him and I want to make sure I’m clear. I made sure he knew it was sexual and wrong. There was no doubt.”) Paterno told McQueary at the time, “You did what you had to do. It is my job now to figure out what we want to do.” At the Preliminary Hearing for Tim Curley and Gary Schultz, McQueary testified that Paterno was “shocked and saddened, kind of slumped back on his chair.” He said that Paterno told him: “‘I’m sorry you had to see that. It’s terrible.’ And he said, ‘I need to think and tell some people about what you saw and I’ll let you know what … what we’ll do next.'” Paterno then informed Penn State athletic director Tim Curley. At the Preliminary Hearing, McQueary also testified that he “believed” Sandusky was having “some type of intercourse” with the boy. He said that this was based on “the positioning” of Sandusky and the boy, but that he never saw “insertion” or “penetration” and is not “100 percent sure” that intercourse was occurring.

Let’s not forget those “Dark Days” at Penn State.

Everyday from 1990 to 2015 ( I don’t know the exact dates, but you get the point by now): Larry Nassar

265 girls. 265!

Larry Nassar is the reason I am cautious with my daughter (who loves gymnastics).

Michigan State University said that it first received a complaint against Nassar in 2014. A Title IX investigation into the complaint found no violation of policy and Nassar was allowed to continue treating patients under certain agreed upon restrictions, as stipulated by MSU College of Osteopathic Medicine Dean William Strampel. However, no monitoring was instituted. After allegations against Nassar were reported by The Indianapolis Star in September 2016, Nassar was fired by Michigan State for violating the 2014 agreement.

via USA Gymnastic’s Wikipedia page

And more…

The university faces lawsuits from 144 local and MSU athletes who say they were sexually assaulted by Larry Nassar. Michigan State University gymnastics coach Kathie Klages was suspended on February 13, 2017, and retired the next day, amidst the sexual abuse investigation of Nassar. Klages has been accused of dismissing sexual abuse complaints by former gymnasts against Nassar and pressuring them to stay silent. According to court documents, Klages was reportedly aware of sexual abuse allegations against Nassar as early as 1997.

More “Dark Days” happened at Michigan State.

Hell, many “Dark Days” happened at Michigan under Dr. Robert Anderson.

Many “Dark Days” happened at Ohio State under Dr. Richard Strauss.

On a day where we watched Kanye pee on a Grammy Award with laser-guided precision, I just cannot get this dumb lady’s headline off my mind. I should be work-shopping jokes on how I can’t run a spoon under the faucet without looking like I came off Daredevil Falls, but this asshole pisses into a literal cone and walks away untouched like Caitlyn Jenner on a vehicular manslaughter charge. Can’t even enjoy it.

You pretend the Big Ten has a soul? Not to mansplain here, Christine, but a conference is a piece of paper, in a folder, in a filing cabinet, in a rich man’s office. It gives a shit about none of us. No conference has a soul.

The only time a “soul” is mentioned is when some narcissistic piece of shit wants to cry out upwards from the cold sewage filled gutter they dwell. The only warmth provided is from a bullshit piece of paper someone told you was special.

Note this day, Christine.

[divider] [/divider]

Sound the siren ???? #TakeSiren ????

The post The Conference That Brought Us Jerry Sandusky, Larry Nassar, & Several Other POS’s Apparently Has (Or Had) A Soul? appeared first on Korked Bats.

[divider][/divider]

I’ll answer this with a similar situation. My wife would wear these big annoying hoop earrings. We were on vacation once and were about to go scuba diving and she left them in. I ask “why would you wear those?” She follows with a “don’t worry about it.” I stopped worrying about it. On an old hard drive I have video of her being stared down by a barracuda that was obsessed with the dangly fishing lures that presented her carotid arteries as bullseyes.

We get back on the boat and she asks “why was he staring me down.” I passively respond with a “I wouldn’t worry about it.”

I explained it later that night, but for the time being it felt good.

Basically give it time. Marriage is a long ride and if the easy explanation isn’t accepted at first it’ll come around later. Use your time wisely and your arguments sparsely. You’ll get another shot (unlike the tomatoes that died in this standoff.)

[divider][/divider]

Egg rolls really are kind of trash. Not all fears are meant to be conquered. I’m afraid of clowns. I gain absolutely nothing by befriending a clown. Crab ran-goons are better. Or try a spring roll, they are the see through healthier version. Egg rolls will not improve your life. Go full Lonely Island and make them fear you. Don’t be a part of the system.

[divider][/divider]

No. We have the joy of dying one day.

[divider][/divider]

I hope to everything it is Trevor Bauer. You will not find a group of guys who loves some @BauerOutage more than us. Hell we’d work him into our logo if we were sure we wouldn’t get sued. Bauer forever and #FreeJoeKelly.

[divider][/divider]

It’s a bulldog. They were built to absorb everyone’s sadness with no chance of being happy themselves. They have short little legs with big bellies and faces that defy reason. This is a downhill battle. Keep trying to find the amount of activity they can handle or get a dog stroller. Just imagine being built like that. You’d be angry too.

[divider][/divider]

It gets a lot easier when you remove expectations. If you figure out how to do that please write a book and make millions. Sports are pain. No way around it.

The post Grit’s Mailbag appeared first on Korked Bats.

Each week, grit makes a call to do beers. This is a recap of some of the beers sent into us. If you don’t see your beer here, follow @GRITknox  and  @KorkedBeers on Twitter and next time there’s a call to do beers, send us pics of your beers, and then DO BEERS.

We’re building the Internet’s (and social distancing’s) biggest and best bar each weekend. Join us and let’s do beers!

[divider][/divider]

Vanilla is a keyword here and life is imitating art.

3.8/10

[divider][/divider]

It’s a lemon on a bike. Sum’bitch is happy too. What is he delivering? A damn good time, that’s what.

7.1/10

[divider][/divider]

Look at me- wait err don’t look at me. I obviously didn’t get dressed. It ain’t hard beer people.

2.3/10

[divider][/divider]

I guess a “sorry for your loss” is in order since these sad beers are obviously mourning the death of their more attractive friend who is slightly off camera being lowered into his grave.

2.2/10

[divider][/divider]

“Mo Money, Mo Opinions.” That’s just plain damn dumb. Is it onion beer? I’m out.

3.4/10

[divider][/divider]

I think I like this more than I should (but it’s still not a lot.)

4.3/10

[divider][/divider]

Do you drink through the mask? Does it double filter the beer? Follow up w drinking one through a mask and I’ll rate it.

Rating pending.

[divider][/divider]

Just a 4-piece of handsome beer. Also, show some respect for yourself and clean your damn fridge. Everything looks half eaten.

I CANT RATE THIS BECAUSE THE BEERS LOOK UNCOMFORTABLE.

[divider][/divider]

What a happy beer.

5.2/10

[divider][/divider]

Now you’re just pissing me off. SHOW SOME ANKLE.

[divider][/divider]

Ooooooh- er my bad whoooooo. I like this. I assume this beer tastes as good as the feeling when you get a little too close to the fire pit on a cold night in the fall and singe some leg hair. (That means good.) Also how do you still have pumpkin in the spring?

7.2/10

[divider][/divider]

Me likey. Just give me a shitty drawing of an animal and a non-aggressive pun, and I’m in there fellas.

6.6/10

[divider][/divider]

This is the definition of quantity vs quality.

NEXT.

[divider][/divider]

I can’t judge this one.

MULLIGAN.

[divider][/divider]

Live it up. The bottle is trash,but live it up still.

3.5/10

[divider][/divider]

Random shapes? Is this a Rorschach test? I’ll fail, but the can passes.

6.2/10

[divider][/divider]

DOES NOT COUNT (but pour me a couple fingers.)

[divider][/divider]

Man, my eyes crossed NGL. Get a load of Scorsese.

4.8/10

[divider][/divider]

Home.

[divider][/divider]

REMINDER: DO NOT DO BEERS naked. ‘DO BEERS’ shirts and hats are available at korkedbats.com/store.

-grit

[divider][/divider]

FOLLOW:

Grit’s Twitter | Korked Beers Twitter | Korked Beers Instagram

The post WE DOIN’ BEERS?! appeared first on Korked Bats.

Each week, grit makes a call to do beers. This is a recap of some of the beers sent into us. If you don’t see your beer here, follow @GRITknox  and  @KorkedBeers on Twitter and next time there’s a call to do beers, send us pics of your beers, and then DO BEERS.

We’re building the Internet’s (and social distancing’s) biggest and best bar each weekend. Join us and let’s do beers!

After two back-to-back BYE weeks, we’re ready to give out some DO BEERS grades.

[divider][/divider]

A 21-year-old had the audacity to tell me he was hungover. I made a joke that if his liver was a tire, it’d still have the knobbly rubber hairs on it. It was a good joke. Shame I never got to share it with the internet. Where are we? Been awhile, my bad.

4.6/10

[divider][/divider]

He’s on a float with boots on. His jeans are tucked in his boots. How did this SOB get on that dollar store float without getting soaked. I hate everything this guy stands for.

3.6/10

[divider][/divider]

This can showed up to The Maxx in a Camaro IROC. If you were born in 1986 and never met your father *spoiler alert* it’s him. Basically I’m trying to say THIS CAN FUCKS.

8.5/10

[divider][/divider]

Doing pic.twitter.com/eaYjpenAn8

— Mitchell Page (@MtchllPg) May 8, 2020

Amnesty hour. I don’t know how to use a French press. Is it for pouring coffee in your curds & whey like this lovable geeked out elephant wants me to think? Please tell me.

7.2/10

[divider][/divider]

pic.twitter.com/uFirVXED3z

— Jimmy Mac (@Whiskey__Jim) May 8, 2020

This is a can that accidentally gets packed in your lunch. I mean you can’t not drink it. It was right next to the Mello Yellow and you were tired. It’s fine. You’re thirsty.

4.6/10

[divider][/divider]

Remember Mad magazine had the pages that you fold left to right and match creases to reveal an often sinister hidden meaning? Those sucked. This can also sucks.

3.2/10

[divider][/divider]

did / doing / gonna do pic.twitter.com/bz3hLWyvRj

— sam ellis (@sam_dot_pdf) May 9, 2020

Hey Siri, show image of a can of beer that leaves you thinking “meh.”

4.3/10

[divider][/divider]

@korkedbeers Haze for daze. pic.twitter.com/T4Exf4zYNG

— Alex Solot (@Aisolot) May 9, 2020

Puns are always a risk and seldom pay out. This one did.

6.2/10

[divider][/divider]

I CAN NOT SEE THE CAN. I WILL NOT RATE YOUR FACE BECAUSE I ASSUME YOU ARE A NICE PERSON. DO BETTER.

NO RATING.

[divider][/divider]

Man this just looks like a bad decision.

2.2/10

[divider][/divider]

This can looks like it’s hiding spring-loaded snakes. This can sucks.

3.7/10

[divider][/divider]

I long for the day turtles rebel. Them cute suckers are built for battle.

5/10

[divider][/divider]

Give the pup a sip. Now.

5.2/10

[divider][/divider]

Willy Wonka called and told me to tell you that “you were doing an okay job. Just okay.”

5.8/10

[divider][/divider]

If I removed the Hallmark X Travel Chanel background, I can now see that this can kinda sucks.

4.2/10

(Background and caption withheld, of course)

[divider][/divider]

Looking like a pop can of orange biscuits. Nope.

3.6/10

[divider][/divider]

Meh. It’s a dead apple.

3.6/10

[divider][/divider]

This one makes me weep for the world. Pickles are good. Beer is great. Pickle beer is something I’m willing to blindly go to war against anyone who thinks this is a good idea.

-10/10

[divider][/divider]

SHAMELESS PLUG!

Be like this adorable babe… GET YOURS HERE!

[divider][/divider]

SHAMELESS PLUG 2!

Be like THIS beast of a man… GET YOURS HERE!

[divider][/divider]

NOTE: If your beer didn’t make it in this week, keep drinkin’ and keep tweetin’!

-grit

[divider][/divider]

FOLLOW:

Grit’s Twitter | Korked Beers Twitter | Korked Beers Instagram

The post WE DOIN’ BEERS?! appeared first on Korked Bats.

In this no sport hellscape, folks are finding new ways to torture themselves. This is a level I am not man enough to endure.

Imagine nurturing the demise of your colon like it’s a Tamagotchi. You water it. You give it proper sunlight. You give it a little Miracle Grow every other Sunday. You sing a little Bing Crosby to it because no one is judging you anymore and you heard it helps grow a healthier plant.

All the while it sits in silence. Waiting. Biding it’s time until it matures enough to serve its purpose. Its purpose is to kill. It was designed in a lab to torture.

This is some level six masochistic behavior. This is the long game. I will be along for the ride, from a safe distance, preferably upwind.

Godspeed.

-grit

The post To Reap or to Sow? The @actioncookbook Chronicles appeared first on Korked Bats.

Each week, grit makes a call to do beers. This is a recap of some of the beers sent into us. If you don’t see your beer here, follow @GRITknox  and  @KorkedBeers on Twitter and next time there’s a call to do beers, send us pics of your beers, and then DO BEERS.

We’re building the Internet’s (and social distancing’s) biggest and best bar each weekend. Join us and let’s do beers!

[divider][/divider]

If you get drunk enough, the colors line up. I don’t appreciate your trickeration, Pep Talk….

4.2/10

[divider][/divider]

Cheers pic.twitter.com/UTXI4tUYlr

— Mitchell Page (@MtchllPg) April 17, 2020

Somewhere in the history of New Orleans there is a second line musical milk man. This is his story.

5.4/10

[divider][/divider]

pic.twitter.com/NXuUq1Q49v

— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 17, 2020

I fell asleep looking at this can. That’s the only reason they put coffee in it.

2.6/10

[divider][/divider]

I like Deftones. I like beer. I like this can. Don’t know how I feel about a burping beaver being the delivery device as I ingest all three.

Still 6.4/10

[divider][/divider]

pic.twitter.com/dAQ0nrN0DG

— JRS (@ShadowVFL) April 17, 2020

Rikki-Tikki-Tavi was the first book I argued about. Lil’ second grade grit with a rat-tail fighting with some dumb dummy about good vs evil. Simpler times. Also, do better. This looks like when Alvin got in Dave’s medicine cabinet and housed all of his adderall.

5.2/10

[divider][/divider]

Fresh cut and a cripsy boi pic.twitter.com/t5BZYIwczg

— Fast Nasty (@fastnasty) April 17, 2020

See it’s cute, because the apples dead.

4.3/10

[divider][/divider]

pic.twitter.com/sbaUDZrVY1

— Ryan Jones (@_JonesRyan) April 17, 2020

Gonna ignore the can here and speak on the beauty of the beer fridge. That fridge has no concern for your leftover casseroles. That fridge has never had milk spilled in it. That fridge is an isolated island from the chaos of life. If you are reading this, give your beer fridge a boop for me.

One boop for beer fridge

[divider][/divider]

On it pic.twitter.com/qo1y4sq2gV

— Chris (@concretevol) April 17, 2020

My eyes hurt. No. Stop.

2.6/10

[divider][/divider]

You’ve been here before, good lookin’.

Whatever my last ranking was add 1/2 a point.

[divider][/divider]

@korkedbeers @pikespeakbeer Pike the golden says we’re doin beers! ? pic.twitter.com/9LEkaWmp0n

— Shanna Marie (@ShannaMoquin) April 18, 2020

I can’t stop looking at the goodest of bois. Give him beer boops.

5.2/10

[divider][/divider]

A fine can. A classic can.

7.2/10

Also, to answer the question…

[divider][/divider]

Meh. The more I see it, the less I like it.

4.2/10

[divider][/divider]

Looking like one hell of a good time. So far, it’s my favorite.

8.1/10

[divider][/divider]

Legalize creative cans.

5.8/10

[divider][/divider]

Gimme three of these and I’ll philosophize my ass off. That’s a word. Don’t look it up.

6.4/10

[divider][/divider]

Beers and westerns pic.twitter.com/NbK3HsXf2Y

— Ben Clayton (@BfClayt) April 18, 2020

Rarely does one side of the can tell the full story. Thank you for doing these beers.

6.6/10

[divider][/divider]

You thought about it. You did it. That’s the important thing. That can on the other hand is, how do the kids say, butt.

2.4/10

[divider][/divider]

We are almost out of the shelter in place. Keep doing beers with us here and stay safe.

-grit

[divider][/divider]

FOLLOW:

Grit’s Twitter | Korked Beers Twitter | Korked Beers Instagram

The post WE DOIN’ BEERS?! appeared first on Korked Bats.

The post Play ‘The Last Dance’ BINGO With Us appeared first on Korked Bats.

We’re building the Internet’s (and social distancing’s) biggest and best bar each weekend. Joins us and let’s do beers!

[divider][/divider]

One for my homegirl pic.twitter.com/ZmLTHB3HOp

— Nate (@theonetheonlyn8) April 3, 2020

First off, R.I.P. Mrs. Sarah. Second, that can looks like it smells of patchouli. Patchouli f***ing stinks.

4.7/10

[divider][/divider]

If I remember correctly, he gave the pup a sip. That adds a point.

6.2/10

[divider][/divider]

Can’t see the can due to the ppe coozie. You are, in fact, drinking safely. I appreciate that.

No rating.

[divider][/divider]

Let’s do this thang pic.twitter.com/z7HrSaAeW7

— Ben (@WestTNBen) April 3, 2020

Bold and beautiful like the damned Golden Girls. Blanche would shotgun this and follow up with a head crush that would make the biggest burliest man you know blush.

8/10

[divider][/divider]

Looking like a damn snacccc.

6.5/10

[divider][/divider]

Why does she have a ninja stick in space? She looking for the stock boy that dropped the can? I would be too.

6.4/10

[divider][/divider]

Next time get a sharpie and quit wasting my time.

1.1/10

[divider][/divider]

It’s okay. Just okay.

3.6/10⁷

CAPTION

[divider][/divider]

American Wheat homebrew pic.twitter.com/Zrl5TNU78j

— Donovan Nebreklievski (@D_in_Camarillo) April 4, 2020

This beer came to us from Camarillo, CA – just outside of Malibu. I can not properly rank this due to jealousy. Enjoy.

[divider][/divider]

This is what ever can looks like when you are colorblind. Not cool.

2.5/10

[divider][/divider]

You put a belt on Grimace. Why?

3.1/10

[divider][/divider]

Big fan. Reminds me of the wavy line cartoons of the ’90s.

8.5/10

[divider][/divider]

CLEAN YOUR DAMN ROOM. SEND PROOF AND THEN I WILL RANK YOUR UNDERWHELMING BOTTLE.

[divider][/divider]

Simple and fun as hell.

7.8/10

[divider][/divider]

Too many damn words.

4.6/10

[divider][/divider]

ITS A SPACE STATION THAT IS ALSO A MIDDLE FINGER. SO DAMN METAL.

8.3/10

[divider][/divider]

This can makes me think the recipe is equal parts lemonade and Bud Light.

4.3/10

[divider][/divider]

I like purple. I’m okay w zombies (just get a damn dog suit and nobody dies in the zombie apocalypse idiots.) Much improved from last week Michael.

5.2/10

[divider][/divider]

Keep em coming!

-grit

[divider][/divider]

FOLLOW:

Grit’s Twitter | Korked Beers Twitter | Korked Beers Instagram

The post WE DOIN’ BEERS?! appeared first on Korked Bats.