Is it smart for a growing blog to spend the money to send a guest contributor all the way down to South Beach just so he can hop on a yacht and deliver his take on the NBA Finals? Probably not. But did we anyway? Maybe.

You may think that seems pretty fake of us, right? Why send a guy to Miami and throw him on a yacht just to make the video look better? Feels very instagram influencer-ish. Like we merely did it for the ‘Gram. We merely did it for the likes and the clout. And you may be right. But fake it till ya make it, right?! Instagram vs. reality. Plus, with fire takes like these, we had to get them off in the warm weather.

Nuggets in 5. Maybe 6.

The post Did We Fly Our Guy Adam To Miami Just To Get His Takes on the NBA Finals? Maybe. appeared first on Korked Bats.

“I can’t remember if I cried when I read about Silver’s goodbye, but something touched me deep inside the day that sports died.”

-Gator Flint to the tune of Don McLean’s American Pie

Over 6 months ago, Rudy Gobert pulled one of the greatest practical jokes of all time by mocking COVID-19 only to have it. Classic! He then shut down basketball and the rest of sports for months. لعبة الروليت مجانا Not classic. Back in the dark days, it was uncertain if we would be able to finish the NBA season. Luckily, Mickey Mouse stepped in and graciously allowed the NBA to use Disney World to create “The Bubble.” Fast forward to today and we’re hours away from starting the NBA Finals between the Lakers and Heat. It’s been a difficult year, but at least we get a conclusion to the NBA season! (Fingers still kinda crossed.) With all that being said, here are five facts you need to know before the start of the Finals!

1. Lebron and Erik Spoelstra don’t like each other.

Back when Lebron took his talents to South Beach to win a few easy titles with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, the Miami Heat promoted unknown Erik Spoelstra to be head coach. Although Spoelstra won a couple of titles, he was ridiculed by the public (and us at Korked Bats) as it was perceived that Lebron was truly the coach while he was just a water boy with a clipboard. When Lebron left, shade was thrown in both directions. Now, the two meet in the NBA Finals across from each other. Look for Spoelstra to stick out a leg and take out Lebron on a fast break a la Mike Tomlin.

2. Jimmy Butler is an angry dude.

Oh man did the Sixers screw up when they couldn’t keep Jimmy Butler last summer. The media portrays him as a team-wrecker, but in actuality, he wants to win more than anyone else on the court, and if he feels you’re not giving it your all, he will demolish you (just ask Karl Anthony-Towns). Butler has become the soul of this upstart Heat team, and if they’re gonna take down Lebron and the Lakers, it’s going to be because of his fire… and maybe a cheap shot that hurts Lebron or Anthony Davis.

3. Anthony Davis has an unibrow.

Anthony Davis is one of the best players in the league, but I’m sorry, no one will ever make having a unibrow cool. They’re gross and frankly, disturbing. However, in his honor, here’s a power ranking of the 5 most important unibrows in the history of all time:

1. Frida Carlo (famous artist)
2. Helga G. Pataki (MOVE IT FOOTBALL HEAD!)
3. Bert (first gay puppet to appear on public television)
4. Squilliam (Squidward’s arch-nemesis)
5. Otto Von Bismarck (General who united the Prussian States into Germany)

4. Tyler Herro is Billy Hoyle’s son.

Heat rookie Tyler Herro broke out in the last series, dropping 37 on the Celtics in Game 4. Funny enough, he has a famous father. 888 كازينو Billy Hoyle, made famous in the documentary White Man Can’t Jump is the proud papa of young Herro. No wonder that white boy is out there ballin. لعبة القمار ورق A truly great story though, from hustling on the public courts of Venice (and now probably Miami) to watching your son in the NBA Finals. I’m tearing up just thinking about it.

5. ESPN LOVEEEESSS Lebron.

Get ready for the non-stop Lebron love fest. Yes we all get that Lebron is a once in a generation player (definitely in my top 25 players of all time), but ESPN is over the top with their coverage of him. Literally, they have Brian Windhorst just follow him around and report on everything he does in a day down to when he farts. It’s all a bit much. Odds are there won’t be a basketball segment without his name being mentioned at least 17 times.

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There you have it. Now you’re ready for the final basketball series of the year. Of course, no post about the finals would be complete without a a prediction so I leave you with this.

HEAT in 4.

The post 5 Facts You NEED to Know About The 2020 NBA Finals appeared first on Korked Bats.

[divider][/divider]

Tim Duncan

#21 – Center

He currently resides at the Pineview Grand Nursing Home, where he spends his time watching daytime television, forgetting his grandchildren’s names, and collecting unknown white stuff in the corners of his mouth.

[divider][/divider]

Matt Bonner

#15 – Forward/Center

While many are confused how Matt Bonner got into the NBA in the first place, Matt has become everyone’s favorite substitute teacher at Grove Oak High School. As kids come into class, Matt pops on a movie (most of the time Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer) and checks his Facebook for the entire hour. He never takes roll and let’s the students chew gum during class because he “thinks that’s a dumb rule to begin with.” He spends most of the day discussing the dynamics of the Wilco’s fourth album, Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, with the really “artsy” students. Matt also always competes in the annual Teachers vs. Students basketball game where he averages 33 points, 14 rebounds, 8 blocks, and 3 concussed students per game.

[divider][/divider]

Manu Ginobili

#20 – Guard

Manu has retired from professional basketball to work as a clerk at a convenience store in Manhattan. Which convenient store you ask? Literally any of them. Even though Manu is from Argentina, he also does some contract work with the Russian mob, living out the life of basically any bad guy in a Jason Statham movie.

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Tony Parker

#9 – Guard

Il est sans doute la natation , le vélo avec un panier à l’avant , ou faire quelque chose d’autre peuple français le font . Classique Frenchie .

[divider][/divider]

Gregg Popovich

Head Coach

You’ll never believe this, but Gregg is actually still the head coach of the San Antonio Spurs. He’s also continues to develop frustrations towards everything and everyone around him.

[divider][/divider]

Norris Cole

#30 – Guard

Norris actually quit basketball altogether to begin a career in acting. After many failed auditions and reads, he was finally fortunate enough to land the role of Vince LaSalle in the hit TV series Recess.

[divider][/divider]

Chris “Birdman” Andersen

#11 –  Forward/Center

Chris is hanging out by the front counter of a tattoo parlor, probably.

[divider][/divider]

Dwyane Wade

#3 – Guard

Unsurprisingly, Dwyane Wade failed to lead the Miami Heat to the playoffs this year without the help of LeBron James and a healthy Chris Bosh, leading Miami Heat fans (both of them) to wonder if Wade is as good as they thought, especially considering the only other ring he has without James/Bosh by his side was with Shaquille O’Neal by his side. And to stir controversy even more, citizens of Miami have started a petition to get Dwyane to change his name to the correct spelling of Dwayne.

[divider][/divider]

Greg Oden

#20 – Center

No matter when you’re reading this, he’s currently having knee and/or hip replacement surgery.

[divider][/divider]

Toney Douglas

#0 – Guard

I honestly had no idea this was a person. I have no idea where he is now. Skip this one.

[divider][/divider]

Chris Bosh

#1 – Forward/Center

Sadly Chris Bosh and everyone in his family are now extinct. Fortunately, however, you can still see his fossilized bones at the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History.

[divider][/divider]

Mario Chalmers

#15 – Guard

Mario passed away six months ago. R.I.P. Mario.

[divider][/divider]

Erik Spoelstra

Head Coach

With the free time he has during the NBA postseason, Erik finally finished up the 9th grade and is currently studying to take his driver’s test in the fall, when he turns 16. Odds are he is currently hanging around kids his own age at the community skate park. Erik doesn’t really ever skate, but he goes to hang out, hold a skateboard under his arm, and show off his latest BIG DOGS t-shirt that he got on vacation with his family.

[divider][/divider]

The Larry O’Brien Trophy

Trophy

It is being displayed in a trophy case somewhere and fortunately is no longer accompanying Mark Cuban at urinals anymore.

[divider][/divider]

James Jones

#22 – Guard/Forward

James Jones now plays for the Cleveland Cavaliers and has been highly touted for not only leading the Cavs to their first NBA Finals appearance since 2007, but for also appearing in 5 straight NBA Finals, a feat that hasn’t been achieved since 1966.* Many NBA fans and analysts are demanding for the league to allow current players to be inducted into the Hall of Fame, just so they don’t have to wait for Jones to retire to vote him in.

*-Also, LeBron James accomplished that feat this year too. But who cares, amirite?!

[divider][/divider]

LeBron James

#6 – Forward

He’s actually playing for the Cleveland Cavaliers and will more than likely see some playing time in the 2015 NBA Finals.

The post Where Are They Now? – 2014 NBA Finals appeared first on Korked Bats.

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Sports Halloween Costumes appeared first on Korked Bats.

In LeBron James’ essay published by Sports Illustrated, he referenced how the four years in Miami were like a college experience for him.

Miami, for me, has been almost like college for other kids. These past four years helped raise me into who I am. I became a better player and a better man. العب واربح فلوس

Upon further review, it turns out he’s right. His time spent in Miami was A LOT like a college experience. روليت اون لاين In fact, going back through LeBron’s old photos proves this fact. لعبة مباشر

• • •

Check out how LeBron broke the news of his decision to Bosh & Wade.

Or be sure to check out Chris Bosh’s “I’m Staying Home” essay.

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post How LeBron’s Time In Miami Was Like A College Experience appeared first on Korked Bats.

• • •

Check out Dinosaurs At The NFL Combine too.

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Dinosaurs At The World Cup appeared first on Korked Bats.

So obviously Chris Bosh chose to share his decision in an essay written on Korked Bats.

I’m not promising a championship. I know how hard that is to deliver. Especially if we play the Spurs again. Those guys are really good. But like old men at the YMCA good. It’s like, you wouldn’t think they’d be good, but they are. And they bank in more shots than anyone you’d ever seen. It will be a long process. Especially since one of the “good” players we just signed is Danny Granger. He gets injured just about every other week. When it comes to how often he gets injured on a scale of 1 to Derrick Rose, he’s a 7.5. It will be hard. My patience will get tested, like when Forever21 doesn’t have that striped spaghetti-strap top in my size and they have to order it from another store. I realize that. But I’ll keep my cool. I see myself as the old head. Like the really old head. I mean, I was the only one of my family who wasn’t extinct after armageddon.

The post Chris Bosh’s “I’m Staying Home” Essay appeared first on Korked Bats.

LeBron James recently announced that he will be leaving Miami and rejoining the Cleveland Cavaliers. Here are a few headlines you probably won’t see in the Miami Herald today:

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post 15 LeBron James Headlines You Probably Won’t See From The Miami Herald appeared first on Korked Bats.

BRISTOL, CT — Multiple sources are reporting that ESPN’s flagship show SportsCenter aired a baseball clip that in no way featured NBA superstar LeBron James.

Reports say that during the 11pm EST SportsCenter last night, anchor Steve Levy went through a full highlight package from the Yankees-Orioles game.

“I initially thought I had accidentally changed the channel,” one source said. “I was about to punt my cat across the room for stepping on the remote again. Turns out, the problem wasn’t my cat, Douglas. It was SportsCenter.”

“I don’t know what to do? They clearly did it on accident,” another source said. “But do they expect me to sit and wait through an entire baseball highlight without hearing about LeBron James?”

In a day and age of the Internet, On-Demand media, and Rosie O’Donnell returning to The View, people have the ability to get what they want, when they want it. For many, when SportsCenter turned away from their LeBron coverage for a short highlight package, many turned off ESPN. Neilsen ratings show that SportsCenter’s overnight rating from yesterday plummeted to just above 0 during those highlights. Many speculate that the only reason a few people didn’t change the channel was because most Heat fans are Yankees fans too, but that doesn’t negate the mistake SportsCenter made by reporting on something other than LeBron James.

The FCC is contemplating taking action after fielding complaints all night from upset viewers. “First they show two men kissing during the NFL Draft, and now they’re airing something other than LeBron? How am I supposed to explain this to my kids?” read one email from an angry viewer. Even Best Buy’s Geek Squad claimed they received many requests for house calls to repair broken TV’s. “One guy had a lamp sticking through the screen of his TV,” Brad Renfro, a Geek Squad employee said. “Apparently, people just threw the closest thing around them when SportsCenter stopped LeBron coverage.”

The hashtag #PrayersForESPN quickly began trending nationwide on Twitter last night. Multiple tweets from across the nation showed a wide array of emotions.

“@SportsCenter WHERE IS MY LEBRON COVERAGE?!” –@Mike_Nafziger

“Something is wrong with @SportsCenter #PrayersForESPN“ –@gehler_kyle

“Just timed it. @SportsCenter went :40 seconds without mentioning LeBron James’ name. This is absurd.” –@RichardDeitsch

“I remember the good ole days of @SportsCenter when it used to be a full hour of LeBron news. Times have taken a turn for the worse. :( #PrayersForESPN“ –@Oprah

“@SportsCenter RT plz?” –@GRAHAMMM_GRAHAM

“Can’t believe @SportsCenter @espn would do this to us. LeBron duz not play bassball for Yankees or Indins.” –@pizzadadlives

“I think I’m going to be sick.” –@RealSkipBayless

“What a joke. @SportsCenter just tried to show something non-LeBron. That’s it, I’m switching to @FoxSportsLive!” –@ILoveLarryJones

“@SportsCenter I found some revealing photos of you online. Click this link: http://spam.co/fJk219g” –@Cblaske23

“@SportsCenter Sry about that tweet, my account was hacked.” –@Cblaske23

A representative for SportsCenter released a public statement apologizing for the gaffe and promises the show will never make this mistake again. “Even though it may not seem possible, we are now vamp up our LeBron James coverage even more. Our apologies to those who saw the mistake last night.”

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post SOURCES: SportsCenter Airs Non-LeBron James Highlight, Devastates America appeared first on Korked Bats.

The following is a phone call between NBA free agents LeBron James, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade, entitled:

The Big Three-Way Call

[LeBron walks into his kitchen, answers his ringing Samsung cell phone]

LeBron: Hello?

Bosh: [laying on his stomach on top of his made bed, feet kicking in the air, votive candles lit all over the room] Hey cupcake.

LeBron: [sigh] Chris, I’ve asked you to stop calling me that.

Bosh: I’m sorry, bae, but what else do you expect me to call someone as sweet as you?

LeBron: [already annoyed] What do you want?

Bosh: Oh nothing… Just calling to talk. [twirls the phone cord around his finger]

LeBron: Well, listen, I have a lot of meetings scheduled this week, so I’ve got to get going.

Bosh: Aren’t you going to ask me about my day?

LeBron: Listen, Chris… I really don’t have ti..

Bosh: [interrupts] It was totes fun! I was in Houston and had so many activities planned. I had never been to Houston, have you?

LeBron: I mean, we play there at least once a season.

Bosh: [giggles] You’re so funny.

[awkward silence]

Bosh: So, aren’t you going to ask me what activities I had planned in Houston?

LeBron: [begrudgingly] What activities did you have planned in Houston?

Bosh: Oh my heavens! That’s so sweet of you to ask. Well, I was going to go to Houston’s Museum of Fine Arts and maybe the Bayou Bend Collection and Gardens, and possibly if I had time, I was going to do a little shopping at The Galleria. Such a full day right?

LeBron: Sure.

Bosh: Well, guess what?

LeBron: [under his breath] I really don’t care.

Bosh: I got a call.

[awkward silence]

Bosh: Aren’t you going to ask from who?

LeBron: From wh..

Bosh: [interrupts] THE ROCKETS! EEEEEEKKK! I WAS LIKE, O-M-G!

LeBron: [sits up in his chair] Oh yeah? Did they offer you a deal?

Bosh: Duhh! They were like, “You’re so good,” and “You’re so awesome,” and “You don’t really look that much like a dinosaur!” And I was all like, “Uhh yeah! Tell me something I DON’T know!” Then they asked me to meet with them, so I did. Just out of respect, ya know? Plus, I could maybe see myself with them. I don’t know. I mean, what if it’s fate?

LeBron: So did they make you an offer?

Bosh: Yeah. They totes offered me a max deal. Like, they offered me all of the moneys. Like, all of them! I kept my cool on the phone and all, but I was totes freaking on the inside. I was thinking, “Do you know how many shoes you can buy with that kind of money?!” and “Finally, I can get that new pencil skirt I was eyeing at The Limited last week.”

LeBron: What?

Bosh: Huh? I said I could get that new mechanical pencil I was eyeing at… ummm.. Staples.

LeBron: I don’t think that’s what you sai..

Bosh: [interrupts] Aren’t you going to ask me what I told them?

LeBron: I hope it was nothing but “Where do I sign?”

Bosh: [giggles] You are so cute! I can’t get over it. I love how blunt you are. But no, I didn’t say that.

LeBron: What?!

Bosh: I turned it down.

LeBron: Are you crazy?!

Bosh: L-O-L. Sometimes I ask myself that same question. Like, I was like, “What are you doing you dodo-head?! Sometimes I call myself that when I make a bozo decision like that. I call myself dodo-head. But yeah, I was like, well there goes that pencil skir… that mechanical pencil I wanted so badly.

LeBron: Why would you turn that down? No one else is going to offer you a max deal. No one other than maybe the Lakers. After that deal they gave injured Kobe, they’re apparently giving anyone money.

Bosh: Yeah, well. I didn’t want to do it, ok? I have other plans.

[silence]

Bosh: Uhhh… aren’t you going to ask me what my other plans are?

LeBron: [sigh] What are your other plans Chris?

Bosh: I told the Rockets that I didn’t want to play without you.

LeBron: [face palm]

Bosh: I said, you could offer me all of the money in the world, and that couldn’t match the experience of playing alongside LeBron James.

LeBron: Listen, Chris…

Bosh: I said I still feel like there is something between us. I could really feel it. I told them, “Do you think LeBron would pass off the final shot of a close playoff game to just anyone? No. He passes it off to me. And not just because, as a big man, I was inexplicably standing in the corner behind the three-point line.”

LeBron: Actually, Chris, I would pass it off to just about anyone. Just as long as it’s not me taking that shot.

Bosh: I told them, “LeBron and I were meant to be together. Forever.” I said, “There’s a reason I have his initials tattooed on my inner thigh.”

LeBron: I’m sorry.. WHAT?!

Bosh: I told the Rockets, “Listen, you may have the Houston Arboretum & Nature Center, which I’ve heard is a must-see when you’re here. I heard it’s just absolutely beautiful this time of year. I’m totally going to go after we’re done here. It’s probably the perfect spot for an Instagram pic. I totally need a new profile pic.” and… what was I saying?

LeBron: You turned down the Rockets.

Bosh: Oh yeah, I basically told them that no matter what they offered me, they’d never be able to offer me you.

LeBron: Listen, I think you should’ve accepted that deal.

Bosh: Why? Are you signing with the Rockets too? I knew that was going to happen. I could probably call them right back, and tell…

LeBron: [interrupts] No. I’m not signing with the Rockets. What I’m trying to say is…

[LeBron’s phone beeps. He looks down. Phone reads: D-WADE Calling.]

LeBron: Hold on, one sec, Chris. [switches calls]

Chris: [sighs while hugging the phone] I love it when he calls me Chris.

LeBron: Hello?

Wade: [sitting on the back patio of his mansion, overlooking the Miami beach] What’s up ‘Bron? It’s Dwyane.

LeBron: What’s good?

Wade: I was just calling to see if you made a decision yet.

LeBron: Honestly, not yet man. How about you?

Wade: Ha! Yeah man, you know. It’s like all these offers, guys like us gotta sleep on them. Give it some time to mull it over, ya know?

LeBron: Yeah, I feel ya. So you’re getting a ton of offers?

Wade: Oh yeah. [looks down at his phone, inbox reads: “No New Messages”] I mean… uhh… I must’ve already gotten like offers from at least 40-50 teams. It’s crazy.

LeBron: Wait… what?! There’s only 30 teams in the league.

Wade: ….Yeah… yeah… I know… But…. I’m getting like offers from like… Europe and stuff too. Like TONS of offers from Europe and Turkey. Those countries only make offers to the NBA’s most elite players.

LeBron: Turkey?! Isn’t that where Allen Iverson played after his career was washed up?

Wade: Did I say Turkey? I meant Bologna.

LeBron: Ok, now you’re just naming deli meats.

Wade: [abruptly changes the subject] The reason I’m calling is, have you heard from Bosh?

LeBron: Ugh. Yeah. I’m actually on the other line with him.

Wade: [nervously] You are?! You guys… ummm… You two aren’t planning something behind my back are you?

LeBron: No. Are you kidding? Could you imagine me doing anything alone with Bosh?

Wade: [nervous laughter] Ha! No. That guy… amirite?!

LeBron: [laughs] That dude be all like, “I missed you while you were away” and stuff. It’s nuts.

Wade: [more nervous laughter] Ha… Yeah… You don’t like it when he says stuff like that do you? Because I missed you too. Just as much as him. But I’m not all lovey-dovey about it like he is. Am I right?

LeBron: [confused] I mean, it’s a nice sentiment. But I don’t really care one way or another.

Wade: Well, let me know the second you’ve made a decision. THE SECOND!

LeBron: Alright, chill. I will. You know I’ll let you know.

Wade: No, I mean, I want to know before anyone else.

LeBron: Ok. I got it. I gotta run. I have Bosh on the other line.

Wade: TELL ME BEFORE YOU TELL HIM! DON’T KEEP SECRETS FROM ME! I BECAME THE ROBIN TO YOUR BATMAN! I WAS YOUR M…

LeBron: [switches calls] Sorry about that, man.

Bosh: [turns down his stereo that’s blaring Come & Get It by Selena Gomez] Oh it’s no worries, boo. Who was that?

LeBron: It was Wade.

Bosh: [sits up] What?! What did he want?!

LeBron: He was just calling to check in.

Bosh: You two aren’t planning something behind my back are you?

LeBron: No.. Jeeze. Why are you guys so paranoid?!

Bosh: I’m not paranoid. I bet he is though.

LeBron: What was I even saying before I clicked over?

Bosh: That you will never leave me?

LeBron: No… That wasn’t it. But I remember now… Listen, Chris… I feel like…

[LeBron’s phone beeps. He looks down. Phone reads: Text Message from D-WADE.]

LeBron: Hold on one sec.

[LeBron opens the text message. It reads, “Have you made a decision yet?”]

[LeBron types back, “No.”]

LeBron: Sorry about that. What I wanted to say, Chris, was I just feel like…

[LeBron’s phone beeps. Phone reads: Text Message from D-WADE.]

[Text message reads, “What about now? Have you made a decision yet?”]

[LeBron types back, “NO!”]

LeBron: Ok. Chris. I’m just going to say it. I feel like…

[LeBron’s phone beeps: Text Message from D-WADE.]

[Text message reads, “Ok. Just let me know the second you know! THE SECOND! Remember, Bros before Dino’s!”]

LeBron: [growing frustrated] Ugghhhh!

Bosh: [picking up on LeBron’s negative energy] I’m picking up on your negative energy, cupcake.

LeBron: Shut up, Chris!

Bosh: Well… That was rude! What are you going to give me the whole, “It’s not you, it’s me” schtick now?

LeBron: No, actually, it’s not me, it’s YOU! You were awful in the playoffs this past year. Like, even Mario Chalmers thought you looked bad. Plus, I feel like you have some sort of crush on me. I feel entirely uncomfortable around you.

Bosh: Whaaaa?! Crush? That’s crazy. [Bosh slowly sets aside the LeBron James teddy bear he was cuddling with]

LeBron: I just wish you would’ve accepted that deal with the Rockets. Because it’s not going to happen between us. You creep me out and you’re no help in the playoffs.

Bosh: Are you breaking up with me? Is this because I’ve gotten fat?

LeBron: Yes. Wait, no. What?! No! I just told you what this was about!

Bosh: You know what? I think I want to break up. I don’t want to play with you anymore.

LeBron: You’re breaking up with me? I’m breaking up with YOU!

Bosh: Well, too bad. It’s over between us. There. I said it first.

[LeBron’s phone beeps. Phone reads: D-WADE Calling.]

LeBron: Hold on, Chris!

Bosh: Don’t you tell me to hold on, you big jer… [switches calls]

LeBron: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

Wade: Have you made a decision ye…

LeBron: [interrupts] SHUT UP!

[LeBron merges the calls into a 3-way call]

LeBron: LISTEN! BOTH OF YOU!

Bosh: Is Dwyane on here?

Wade: Chris?

Bosh: Hey boo! How are ya?

Wade: I’m goo…

LeBron: [interrupts] I SAID LISTEN!

[Both Wade and Bosh get quiet]

LeBron: THE TWO OF YOU HAVE BEEN INSUFFERABLE. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. SINCE THE SECOND I OPTED OUT OF MY CONTRACT YOU TWO HAVE BEEN LIKE LEECHES.

Wade: Dude, I was only calling to see if you had Allen Iverson’s phone number?

Bosh: Can we be something else? Leeches are slimy and yucky…

LeBron: [interrupts] LEECHES! YOU’VE BEEN LEECHES! BOTH OF YOU OPTED OUT OF YOUR CONTRACTS AS WELL, AND I FEEL LIKE WHAT EVER DECISION I MAKE, YOU GUYS WILL MAKE THE SAME DECISION!

Wade: Well, except when it comes to fashion. I like to try my own thing.

Bosh: Yeah, we know, Dwyane. It’s like you let your kids dress you.

Wade: So what if they do?

LeBron: [interrupts] I’VE MADE MY DECISION. I’M GOING BACK TO CLEVELAND.

Wade & Bosh: What?!

LeBron: THAT’S RIGHT. THE TWO OF YOU MAKE CLEVELAND A DESIRABLE DESTINATION!

Bosh: But isn’t that where the owner writes notes in Comic Sans?

Wade: Yeah. It’s like, “Hello? This isn’t a sign posted in the office break room. This is an NBA franchise.”

Bosh: O-M-G! I know, right!

LeBron: I’M HANGING UP NOW. SIGN WITH WHOEVER YOU WANT, JUST AS LONG AS IT’S NOT CLEVELAND.

[LeBron hangs up the phone]

LeBron: Oh my gosh. I can’t stand those guys any more. They are insufferable. I’m exhausted, but so glad that’s over with… Ugh. I better get to bed. It’s getting late.

[LeBron settles in to bed, begins to doze off]

[LeBron’s phone beeps. Phone reads: Text Message from DRAKE.]

[The text message reads, “U up?”]

• • •

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The post The Big Three-Way Call with LeBron James, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade appeared first on Korked Bats.