Clearly, the biggest NFL head coaching news of the week was the decision to cast Kevin James as Sean Payton. Nothing else even comes close.

This has to be the most head-scratching, phone-it-in decision of all time. This isn’t a knock at Kevin James. I know there are a ton (read: probably too many) Kevin James stans out there who will be willing to slit throats in the name of Paul Blart. This is more so a knock at the casting director for thinking The King of Queens could pull this off.

But this got us thinking if the person who was responsible for casting Kevin James as Sean Payton was in charge of casting other NFL people, this is what we’d get.

Roger Goodell

Played by Ron Howard’s brother

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Patrick Mahomes

Played by David Duchovney

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Jim Nantz

Played by Claire Danes

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JJ Watt

Played by the guy who played McLovin

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Tom Brady

Played by Susan Sarandon

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Bill Belichick

Played by Kevin Smith

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Mike Tomlin

Played by Ed Helms

The post Other NFL Casting Decisions Made By The Person Who Casted Kevin James As Sean Payton appeared first on Korked Bats.

This is what he said in response to the biggest fine he ever got:

“The G-est thing Mike Tomlin ever did, he handed me an envelope after that. I ain’t going to say what, but he handed me an envelope after that.”

The “that” Harrison is referring to is the hit that occurred during the 2010 Steelers-Browns game, which resulted in a 28-10 Steelers win. Late in the 2nd quarter, the revolving door that is the Browns quarterback, Colt McCoy threw a pass across the middle to Mohammed Massaquoi, only to be met forcefully by James Harrison. While the play was not flagged on the field, Harrison received a hefty fine of $75,000 (which was later reduced to $50,000) from the league. It was this fine that allegedly led to Coach Tomlin “handing” Harrison an envelope.

Regardless of the validity of James Harrison’s story, we started to wonder what MAY have been in this alleged envelope.

• two tickets to paradise
  • That hit was so vicious that Coach Tomlin wanted to make sure Harrison could get out of the country, if necessary.

• Box Tops for Education
  • Coach Tomlin, like every great coach, is always looking out for his players’ families. Harrison’s kids were able to raise a whopping $22 for education from 220 Box Tops!

• The whereabouts of Tupac Shakur
  • We all know he’s not dead.

• The answer to who killed Kennedy
  • One of life’s greatest mysteries but Coach Tomlin had the answer and felt like he just had to share it.

• The 2011 Oscar Winners
  • Coach Tomlin, a known movie buff, got the inside info on Best Picture winner The King’s Speech and couldn’t keep the secret to himself. Fortunately, it was the correct envelope.

• Stamps
  • Coach Tomlin, an avid stamp collector, gifted Harrison a portion of his stamp collection. What good is an envelope without some stamps?

• The two tickets Harrison left for his dad at Will Call
  • Tomlin: “He just never showed up, James… I’m sorry.”

• An invoice from Goodell
  • The league acted fast after the hit and had the fine handed down from the HQ immediately after the game. Coach Tomlin was simply the liaison.

Don’t worry, though. James Harrison has since defended Coach Tomlin against… ummm… his own claims?

Wow y’all really comparing what I said to BOUNTYGATE?!? Mike T. Has NEVER paid me for hurting someone or TRYING to hurt someone or put a bounty on ANYBODY! If you knew the full story of what happened back then you’d know that BS fine for a Legal Play wasn’t even penalized during the game. The league was getting pressure because the first concussion lawsuits were starting and they had to look like they cared about player safety all of a sudden. Before that they had been SELLING a photo of THAT SAME PLAY FOR $55 on the NFL website with other videos of the NFL’S GREATEST HITS that the league Profited On back then. When the league had to start pretending like they cared about player safety they took all those things down off their website and they started fining guys ridiculous amounts for the same plays they used to profit off of. EVERYBODY knew it – even these same media people and all the fans that were sending money to me and the team to cover the fine. AGAIN AT NO TIME did Mike T. EVER suggest anybody hurt anybody or that they’d be rewarded for anything like that. GTFOH with that BS!!!

#receipts

So, um, sorry, Mr. Harrison, but one quick follow up… what WAS in the envelope?

The post What Exactly Was In The “Envelope” Mike Tomlin Gave To James Harrison? appeared first on Korked Bats.

PITTSBURGH- Long-time Batman villain and Matt Holliday look alike Bane has cancelled his plans to blow up Heinz Field because it would require him to attend a Pittsburgh Steelers game.

“Yeah, I had this extensive plan to lure the city’s entire police force underground while I blew up Heinz Field,” Bane admitted on the airwaves of a hijacked TV channel, sounding like an airplane captain talking over a muffled loudspeaker. “But honestly, the Steelers are playing like crap, and I’d rather not be seen at a Steelers game this year.”

“Could you imagine how embarrassing that would be?” Bane added. “Like, it’s bad enough that I’m balding and have to wear this electronic spider mouth mask. Plus, I feel like my work has been taken care of for me. The Steelers have been enough of a disaster already.”

The Steelers are currently on pace to have their worst season since 1988.

“I should blow up the stadium of a good team, like the Seahawks or something,” Bane continued. Upon hearing this, Seahawks fans became ecstatic, thinking that could help them reclaim their loudest stadium world record from Kansas City.

Pittsburgh’s most notable vigilante not named Ben Roethlisberger, Batman, actually agreed with his arch-villain Bane in a news conference held outside the police station.

“Honestly, watching the Steelers this year reminds me of watching my parents getting killed right in front of me,” Batman said in an uncomfortably deer voice. “Except, watching my parents’ murder was easier.”

Coincidentally, Pittsburgh playboy/billionaire and guy who looks a lot like Batman but definitely isn’t, Bruce Wayne also said the same thing when he arrived to the police station just minutes after Batman left.

Upon hearing the news of Bane’s cancelled plans, Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin said, “We really dodged a bullet with this.” Tomlin then let out a long sigh before continuing, “But honestly, I wish Bane would blow up our stadium. Preferably while we’re playing in it.”

Unfortunately, Commissioner Gordon could not be reached for comment as he was busy faking his own death again.

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Bane Cancels Plans To Blow Up Heinz Field, Doesn’t Want To Be Seen At A Steelers Game appeared first on Korked Bats.