Dear DeMar DeRozan,

Where do we even begin? It’s been a few days since the sign and trade went down and I still find myself grasping at straws to try and find the words to encapsulate arguably the greatest era of Chicago Bulls basketball ever. And it’s all because of the man who wore #11.

Who can possibly forget your cool 27.9 points per game in the 2021-2022 season? Iconic. There’s no chance anyone has ever even come close to that. I don’t even have to look it up. This dude tore through records the way Lonzo Ball tears through miniscusses. And what about the way you heroically led us to the play-in tournament! Pretty sure no other Bull in history has ever done that. Guess that’s what happens when you average FIVE (5!) assists per game. How do you spell DeMar? Oh yeah, it’s G-O-A-T. And speaking of assists, in a day and age of super teams and big 3’s, it’s not like you had any help. You practically dragged Zach LaVine, Nikola Vucevic, and quite literally dragged Lonzo Ball (because of the miniscusses). It was truly a one-man show, with 5 co-stars. And honestly, it was the greatest one-man show we’ve ever seen. I just wish any other generation could’ve experienced what we just witnessed in terms of Bulls basketball. Some may clamor that other players in Bulls history were better, like Bob Love, Luc Longley, or Crisitran Felicio, but those folks just don’t know ball.

And don’t get me started on the clutch performances. Wayne Gretzky, who was the DeMar DeRozan of hockey, once said you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Well, it felt like DeMar DeRozan hit 100% of the game-winning shots he did take. You can’t call yourself a sports fan without vividly remembering that one game-tying shot he hit in a regular season game against the Pacers.

And if anyone thinks that’s impressive, well, they clearly don’t know about the 82 games you played in the 2021-2022 season—every single one was a masterpiece of perseverance and reliability. We also deeply underappreciate your humility. Despite being the undisputed GOAT, with a capital O, you never let it get to your head. Your willingness to share the spotlight, and not get too ridiculously good to hog the spotlight from your teammates and others in the league might be your greatest quality.

So DeMar, thank you for your incredible service both on and off the court here in Chicago. It’s only a matter before your jersey is hanging in the rafters alongside other Bulls greats like Mike Dunleavy Jr., Ron Artest, and Lonzo Ball’s doctor.

Sincerely,

All of us in Chicago

P.S. Pretty sure you are the Bulls franchise leader for appearances in Kendrick Lamar diss track music videos

The post A Farewell To DeMar DeRozan, The Greatest Chicago Bull of All Time appeared first on Korked Bats.

You probably only clicked on this link if you are an Phoenix sports fan. in which case, it was an angry click. So allow me to preface this by saying: I love the city of Phoenix. I have friends who live there. It’s a gem of a city. And I have no ill will toward Phoenix or any of their pro sports teams. I like the Cardinals (currently the best new uniforms in the NFL, IMO), I think the Suns are dope, I hold no disdain toward the Diamondbacks (except for the fact they once employed Randy Johnson), and I, like everyone in Phoenix, never think negatively of the Coyotes mainly because we never think about the Coyotes.

So just know this blog does not come from a dick-ish place. I just legitimately have to ask…

Do Phoenix sports fans exist?

Look, people are asking. Phoenix sports fans, to me, are a lot like Los Angeles sports fans with the only difference being that I understand why LA sports fans don’t always show up to sporting events. Have you ever been to Southern California?! There is so much to do. The beach, the mountains, the Madame Tussauds Celebrity Wax Museum on Hollywood Blvd. But when Phoenix fans don’t show to games, what are they doing? Playing golf? Hiking the hills in the desert? Not that Phoenix is a boring city, because it’s far from it. But there is no beach. There is no skiing mountains. And the temperature is usually hotter than Sam Hartman (or the people who live in Phoenix… hubba, hubba). If I was a Phoenix resident, sports would be my life. It allows you something other than real estate to invest in while getting you in an air-conditioned building. But for whatever reason, Phoenix fans continue to disappoint (aside from maybe Suns fans – shoutout Suns in four!)

And by that, I mean… what is this, D-Backs fans?

The Diamondbacks haven’t been to the NLCS since Britney Spears shaved her head, and yet you can get into this year’s NLCS for cheaper than a month of Netflix. THAT SHOULD NOT BE THE CASE, SILICON DESERT. You have an exciting young MLB team that completely dismantled the 100-win Dodgers. Tickets to watch NLCS baseball in The Valley of the Sun should not be cheaper than tickets to Killers of the Flower Moon. But it’s not just the Diamondbacks. When you pair that with the fact that every two weeks we get a headline about how the Coyotes are looking for a new arena it feels like their days in the desert feel numbered. In their entire season last year, they drew 188k fans in 41 home games. That’s fewer than one Indianapolis 500 for an entire season. They average 4,600 fans per game. That’s lower than most high school graduations. Look, I get that ice sports and climates where komodo dragons call home don’t really mix, but still. And the Cardinals… well, they haven’t allowed a whole lot to cheer for since 2015. So I’ll give a pass there. But look, Phoenix, you have a team in the NLCS, maybe create more of a demand where the ticket to get in costs more than the beer at the game.

UPDATE (after the start of NLCS Game 3): If I’m going to knock them for the get-in price, I have to give props when they show up. The crowd for Game 3 looks solid, especially for a day game in a weekday. Well done, Phoenix. I’ll eat my words for this game. With that said, if the D-Backs lose this game, please don’t fail to show up for Game 4.

The post Do Phoenix Sports Fans Exist? appeared first on Korked Bats.

The morning after the NBA Draft, I tweeted the above. Sound familiar?

It’s because I’ve already done this shtick before. Which is why I did it again. Because I thought most of you would be in on the joke. Someone wears a ridiculous jacket that goes viral, and I tweet “the thing” to reminisce about how funny it was last time. Ha ha! Right? Well, never underestimate the internet, because apparently some of you monsters actually want to see this be run back.

Guys, I was just making a joke, an homage to last time. I was not actually looking to go through all the logistics as I did last time to find the jacket and wear it to a game. I mean, if I was actually looking to run it back, I’d jack up the number of likes by a bunch, because last time, I got over 3x as many likes. I wouldn’t AGAIN set it at 5,000. But roughly 1.3 thousand of you monsters don’t care. You don’t care that the sequel is NEVER as good as the original. You just want more. You people are exactly why there are so many Fast & Furious movies. You don’t care that it’s no longer abour street racing. You just want fast cars and explosions. And here, you only want dumb sports blogger in a funny jacket in a very public place. Would I go through with it if 5k likes were met on this tweet? *sigh* Yes. But it’s definitely not happening this time. The original phase of likes has died down. But not without out some of you monsters really trying.

Look, respect to those who tried. But let’s leave the Kim Mulkey jacket RIP in peace.

(Mainly because I have no idea how I’d get Gradey Dick’s ruby red slipper jacket. And because it will be so much hotter at a Cubs game this much deeper into the summer.)

The post You People Are Monsters. appeared first on Korked Bats.

Is Adam our resident Skip Bayless? People are asking.

The post Adam’s Back With Some NBA Finals Hot Takes appeared first on Korked Bats.

Is it smart for a growing blog to spend the money to send a guest contributor all the way down to South Beach just so he can hop on a yacht and deliver his take on the NBA Finals? Probably not. But did we anyway? Maybe.

You may think that seems pretty fake of us, right? Why send a guy to Miami and throw him on a yacht just to make the video look better? Feels very instagram influencer-ish. Like we merely did it for the ‘Gram. We merely did it for the likes and the clout. And you may be right. But fake it till ya make it, right?! Instagram vs. reality. Plus, with fire takes like these, we had to get them off in the warm weather.

Nuggets in 5. Maybe 6.

The post Did We Fly Our Guy Adam To Miami Just To Get His Takes on the NBA Finals? Maybe. appeared first on Korked Bats.

Knicks guard Josh Hart has a question. Now look, before you cast judgment, let he among us who has never tried their girl’s boobie juice cast the first stone, amirite?! Even still, it’s not like Josh is copping to takin’ a sip of the titty milk. He’s merely asking if anyone else has. And it’s a simple question. Why is everyone being so weird about it? And it’s not even he who wants to know. It’s his friend. Otherwise, he clearly wouldn’t have added the caveat “asking for a friend.” He’s just looking for a simple yes or no answer. And if you answer yes, I assume he reserves the right to hit you with a follow-up. Or at least his friend does. Also, what I like is the fact that he didn’t make this question gender specific. It’s 2023. Ladies, have y’all ever tasted your man’s swim-up bar? You ever hit up his Dairy Queen drive-thru? Ever drink straight from the tap? Be honest. This is a safe space. Josh Hart is merely asking for his friend. Also, let’s assume Josh Hart isn’t lying and is legitimately asking for a friend. Who in the hell is that friend? And how did that conversation go? “Hey man, you’ve got like half-a-mill followers. You mind tweeting a question for me? This might sound weird, but hear me out…” And then Josh, being the good friend he is, just does it. I’ll admit. I gotta respect that. May we all one day be lucky enough to find a friend who will ask a nipple-suckling question on our behalf.

The post Knicks Guard Josh Hart Just Wants To Know If Any Of Y’All Have Tried Your Girl’s Breast Milk appeared first on Korked Bats.

It’s been a minute since we’ve dusted off the Take Siren. But this seems like the perfect take for it. Because this is an all-time Take Siren. Hell, this is a Take Tornado Siren. A siren with so much juice it needs to be tested on the first Monday of every month. SHOULD THE LAKERS REST THEIR STARTERS FOR GAME 5?! This feels like something we would tweet tagged with a PEOPLE ARE ASKING! According to take artist Mike Greenberg, the Lakers, who lead their series against the Warriors 3-1, need to rest their starters for Game 5 because there’s no chance they win. Why stop there, Greeny? Why not sit them for the rest of the season? Keep them fresh for next year. Maybe sit them forever? Keep ’em fresh for retirement leagues. I mean, that certainly is a take. But it feels like something a producer put on a show rundown as a joke and Greeny just Ron Burgundy’d it because it was written on the teleprompter. Or hell, did this come about because of the writers’ strike? Personally, I’ve always felt like we don’t need 24-hour news networks, because sometimes, there just isn’t any news. And I’m starting to lean that way with 24-hour sports networks. Especially if we have shows with showrunners who just let topics like this slide. I mean, sure, do you need to give LeBron and A.D. their rest? Yes. And are the Warriors a million times better at home this season than they are on the road? Yes. And will Steph Curry and Draymond be locked in to keep their legacies and title defense alive? Yes. And ohmygahhh, have I come around on this take? SHOULD THE LAKERS REST THEIR STARTERS? I guess people ARE asking.

The post ‘Get Up’ Asks Should The Lakers Rest Their Starters For Game 5? Time To Dust Off The Ol’ Take Siren! appeared first on Korked Bats.

Personally, I don’t get the move. The previous regime of Twitter did all the legwork to verify these accounts and now you’re just erasing all that work because those people don’t shell out $8? Why the hell do regular Twitter users need to know what users pay for the site? It’s so counterintuitive and pointless. But then again, so is owning a company that makes flame throwers, I guess?

Now it should be noted, that we at Korked Bats are subscribed for Twitter Blue and actually were even before Elon took over. Solely because it gives us the ability to post videos longer than 2:20 in length, which most of our original videos are. But you can still hit us with the “this MF’er pays for Twitter” memes because it’s ridiculous that we do. And trust us, you can’t subscribe to Twitter Blue and also opt out of having that annoying check mark. We checked. Pun not intended.

When everyone’s blue check went away, it was awkward to see which celebrities still had one. Many people – including us – pointed out that, despite saying he’d never cough up the $5 per month or whatever, LeBron James was somehow subscribed to Twitter Blue.

That blue check used to mean a sign of prestige and/or notoriety. Now it’s nothing but a Scarlett letter, branding you as a complete sucker with your money. Why in the world would anyone want a blue checkmark that tells the world “I pay for this website.” Who in the hell cares and/or wants to broadcast that?

And I get it, Elon’s trying to make some money. Get some cash flow back into a company that has had its fair share of struggles filling the piggy bank. But this master plan of his to take away everyone’s blue checks didn’t really accomplish what he had hoped.

I mean hell, LeBron James, the NBA’s all-time leading scorer and one of the highest-paid athletes in the history of spherical balls refuses to drop the $8/month on the service.

But that’s when the owner, Elon Musk decided to foot the bill for LeBron on this one.

Wow, good one, E. This is like a restaurant owner comping someone’s meal they didn’t even order. And then giggling to himself in the kitchen. I know this is Elon’s boring attempt to troll, but it also gives off vibes like he’s trying buddy up with LeBron. And why LeBron of all athletes? Why not at least foot the bill for athletes who still want that blue social merit badge.

This feels like Elon trying to buy some friends. This reminds me of a “friend” of mine in college who drove a BMW and always wore Vineyard Vines in the pre-SEC days of Mizzou. This is a guy whose parents footed the bill for everything, and he flaunted the hell out of it. He was kinda douchey and a bit of a dick at times, but we put up with him because he would always buy us Taco Bell every weekend. Why? We have no idea, but when you’re in college and someone offers to pay for your fast food tacos, you let them pay for your fast food tacos.

Elon Musk is the guy paying for everyone’s fast-food tacos. Only he’s not in college. He’s a grown-ass man, which only makes it sadder. Now look, this isn’t a political blog. I know Elon has become somewhat of a political lightning rod. If you hate him, you’re clearly on one side of the aisle, and if you love him, you’re on the other. This isn’t that at all. He just annoys the hell out of me because he has single-handedly destroyed my favorite social media platform. Was Twitter hemorrhaging money before he took over? Of course. Is it still hemorrhaging money since he’s taken over? Well, probably if we’re being honest. But his changes on the platform have made it inherently worse. That’s simply where the disdain for that dinkus comes from. Trust me, we care about Elon’s politics as much as we care about Randy Johnson – which is to say we don’t. However, Elon and Randy do have one thing in common: they both destroy birds.

The post LeBron Is Still Verified Because Elon Musk Is Paying For His Twitter Blue Subscription, Is Desperate For Friends appeared first on Korked Bats.

The Do You Like Apples boys have probably died and gone to heaven. Ben & Matt? In the same movie? On-screen together again? Somebody needs to do a welfare-check on those guys.

It would probably be best to preface this review with a quick disclaimer: I liked ‘Air’ and do recommend it. I don’t know if I fell victim to my own expectations, but it doesn’t feel forever-rewatchable the way other sports movies such as ‘Moneyball’ are. Here’s the thing though, for a mediocre movie, it’s exceptional.

So, if you’re on the fence as to whether or not to see ‘Air’, here are 3 Big Things to consider:

1. Ben Affleck directs it.

“State the obvious why don’t you, Ken?” Okay look, its a very generic point, but I think it’s important to consider. Ben Affleck is an excellent filmmaker. He has a solid track record that includes being the director of a film that won Best Picture. He knows what he’s doing, and he certainly does not phone this one in. It is by far his most fun film. He handles this new direction with care and attention, and it’s truly entertaining.

The direction does unfortunately lean into cheese-ball territory at points, and the movie in and of itself just doesn’t do anything unique enough to catapult it into “all-time classic” territory. Although it doesn’t soar, it’s clear that Ben Affleck has surrounded himself with people he loves to work with and the energy really comes off the screen.

2. Come for the movie, stay for the needle-drops.

You want to get my ass in a theater? Put 80’s music in your movie. It’s that simple. One of the things that gives ‘Air’ its infectious energy is it’s soundtrack. Ben takes a page out of the Scorsese playbook and isn’t afraid to let the music be another character in the story. Is there any more perfect way to start a film than with the low, slow intro to “Money for Nothing”? It’s fantastic! It rips into a expositional montage that just gets you ready to party.

3. You’re gonna want to go back and watch “The Last Dance”

The most important thing to realize about ‘Air’ is that it really isn’t a movie about Michael Jordan. It certainly centers around him, and there is a great monologue that highlights his impact not just on sports but also on modern-American society. Truly, the spotlight is more on the story of the people working at Nike and how they were able to land this monster deal.

All I could think about though? How badly I wanted to go back and watch ‘The Last Dance’. My wife echoed the same sentiment on the way back from the theater. The thing that ‘Air’ does very well is quantify how big of an impact Michael Jordan made on sports. We know very much about the accolades, and the championships, but to see the astronomical numbers surrounding this deal for Nike shows us much much more.

All in all, ‘Air’ is an easy, feel-good, fun movie. It doesn’t take any meaningful swings, but it keeps you invested the whole time. Ben Affleck gets to make a movie, full of infectious energy, with people that bring out the best of him…and it shows.

Verdict:

3.5/5 Swedish Fish…..yah, we’re doing that now. (I still think Swedish Fish are just ok, BTW)

So what do you think? Be sure to holler at us on Twitter (@korkedbats; @thecineboiz) and Instagram (@korkedbats; @thecineboiz)

Also, be sure to follow Korked Bats on YouTube and subscribe to The CineBoiz Podcast wherever podcasts are found!

The post 3 Big Things on ‘Air’ — A SPOILER-FREE Review appeared first on Korked Bats.

This original take came in a throwaway line on The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz by Chris Wittyngham before he became Quittyngham. And I felt like I needed to expound upon this take (that I doubt he even considered to be a take, more than just an outward thought). If we at Korked Bats ever start a company softball team, you better believe we’re naming ourselves the Vampires. For two reasons: 1. more teams need to be named the Vampires (*Stugotz voice* “THE VAMPS!”). And 2. Bats is in our name, so I feel like it’s only fitting. But anyway, here’s my argument for the mythical parasitical creature becoming a lovable team mascot…

Hello, Lads. More teams need to be nicknamed the Vampires

Let me start my argument with a simple question: Where would you rather go to college? At a university referred to as a Cardinal, where their mascot is a dumb – and creepy AF – tree, or where the mascot is a bloodsucking Don Juan with a widow’s peak? At a school of higher learning, would you rather rah rah for a human with a buckeye for a head, or root root for a fair-skinned, fanged, Animorphable bat? Would you rather cheer for an ominous red blob from the hills of western Kentucky or pull for a monster so terrifying it was the main star of four Y.A. novels written by author Stephanie Meyer, and later adapted into five full-length feature films starring Robert Pattinson?! OH HELL YEAH, amirite?! Actually, don’t answer that because Big Red is a dope ass mascot. Whatever the hell it is. But still. Vampires are doper than 99. Plus, like Aubrey Plaza, Vampires are having a moment. You check the trailer for that new Nic Cage movie?

And if we want to talk about their place in current popular culture, well, sorry Bruce Wayne, but vampires were the original Batman. And technically Batman was originally a vampire.

Like how are we gifting professional franchises the team nickname of KRAKEN before VAMPIRES? And it’s not just hockey. What about the JAZZ or the BROWNS? THE FREAKIN BROWNS?! Hell, that franchise already sucks the life out of 70,000 fans every Sunday. The rebrand there would be perfect. Hell, if we should expect any league to make this jump, we should be pleading with the NBA. They change mascots all the time and have dumb ones like Wizards. So surely one of their franchise will drive a stake through their own heart and roll with the Vamps instead. Here, I went ahead and mocked up a logo for you.

Did I just recycle the 76ers dribbling Benny Frank logo? Ok, maybe. But this is just a concept. If you want a truly original logo, here’s another completely unique logo I just whipped up on a whim.

Look, all I’m saying is: Vampires. Professional, collegiate, or our own company softball mascot. Collision course. The funniest thing to do would be to make a Vampire the mascot of a team with a different team nickname. If the Titans mascot can be a damn raccoon or the Chiefs mascot can be a wolf who robs banks, I’m pretty sure the Steelers could trade in Steely McBeam for Vampy McScream. Braves? Your mascot is a… well, we don’t even know what the hell Bloopy is. So why not exchange him out for a Hell, Dolphins, you should make your costumed mascot a blood-thirsty beautillion. Why? Why the hell not? And speaking of hell. Art Briles.

Cheers, Witty.

The post More Teams Should Be Nicknamed The ‘Vampires’ appeared first on Korked Bats.