This is what we call career and financial protection, folks. It also marks the first time Phil has used protection in his life.

This is next level hiring right here. Naming the starting quarterback of an NFL team as your head coach one day? I mean, can you even do that? Can you hire people to take jobs one day, whenever they feel like they’re ready? In that case… Derrick Henry, whenever you want to become editor-in-chief of KorkedBats.com, the job is ready for you.

Apparently the athletic director of the school is going to be filling in as the interim until Phil is ready to start the gig. He laid out his timetable, per AL.com:

“I think it is a one year at a time deal,” he said. “You get to 38 and play as long as I have … I’ve expressed publicly and the Colts have said too they hope it’s more than one year. But we take it one year at a time. I love playing. When that time does end, you will get the same passion and work ethic at this school and community that I’ve poured into my career.”

How you feeling Colts fans? One year your franchise QB is retiring. The next year your franchise QB is accepting head coaching jobs at Alabama high schools. Better go ahead and have Curtis Painter on standby.

If Phil is going to coach high school ball in the south, he has the accent down already, but he’s going to have to up his swearing. Not many high school football coaches use expressions like, “dagnabbit!” or “fiddlesticks!” He’s gonna have to start cussing if he’s gonna want those teens to take him seriously. The next high school football coach who doesn’t include at least three swear words per sentence will be the first.

This will be Phil showing up on the first day of the job trying to relate to kids that he has literally nothing in common with.

I will say this, at least Phil didn’t make this announcement while pooping.

The post Philip Rivers Got A New Job Before Even Starting His Other New Job appeared first on Korked Bats.

The other day, the Indianapolis Colts signed Philip Rivers to be their Andrew Luck replacement new starting quarterback, and today Rivers recorded his first public address to Colts fans.

The only thing is… it looks like Rivers recorded this video while sitting on the crapper at home.

Were you taking a dump while recording this?

— E-rick P (@say_whatweird) March 21, 2020

Were you taking a dump while recording this?

— E-rick P (@say_whatweird) March 21, 2020

Why is he sending a video while taking a dump

— COSkins (@COSkins) March 21, 2020

That’s a man sitting on a toilet

— Jacob (@jaketlarsen) March 21, 2020

pic.twitter.com/iewfjvxuM5

— NoOneImportant (@JustASportsFan2) March 21, 2020

Is he on the toilet?

— TuraySZN (@FtwColts) March 21, 2020

He is definitely shooting this while sitting on the toilet.

— Tim King (@TheTirvin18) March 21, 2020

100 percent taking a dump.

— Joe Gratta (@JoeGratta) March 21, 2020

My man is doing this while taking a shit

— Nathan Cohen (@NathanCohen24) March 21, 2020

I do believe my man is sitting on the porcelain throne. Philip Rivers literally recorded a message for Colts fans while taking the Browns to the Super Bowl. Why else would he have such a tight shot on his face? Oh, yeah, and why else would there be a damn shower curtain behind him? Dude, light a candle!

Now look, I can’t be one to judge. I read a book one time that revealed the fact that everybody poops. He was probably just killing two birds with one stone or more so, two turds with one stone. In fact, I actually understand this move. I don’t have kids, but I have a lot of friends who do – which makes me a very credible source on the following: when you have multiple children, a lot of times the bathroom is the only place for you to find some peace and quiet. And Rivers doesn’t just have kids. He has an entire starting lineup for a damn baseball team. Nine kids! So that paired with the fact that everyone is quarantined at home makes the bathroom the only safe space in the entire house. I actually kinda feel for him. Many people think he made the video :17 seconds long because he wears #17, but I assure you, it’s because that’s the only free time he had before one of his kids started yelling his name.

Regardless, his video made me think back to this gem.

Also, shout out to Mrs. Rivers for having to raise those kids while Philip is at work practicing throwing interceptions. Kevin Durant was right. Moms are da real MVP.

The post Did Philip Rivers Record A Message To Colts Fans While Pooping? appeared first on Korked Bats.

Click on any of the images to make them larger.

Phillip Rivers – San Diego Chargers

• • •

Tim Tebow – Denver Broncos

• • •

Tom Brady – New England Patriots

• • •

JaMarcus Russell – Your Neighbor’s Couch

• • •

Peyton Manning – Indianapolis Colts

• • •

This post was created by Kyle. You can follow his jokes on Twitter: @kyleayers

Also, be sure to follow Korked Bats and our sports related jokes on Twitter: @korkedbats

The post Quarterback Google Searches appeared first on Korked Bats.

1. The Eagles are not the new Miami Heat.

Many have crowned the star-studded Eagles roster as the football equivalent of the Heat.  The only thing the two teams have in common is a lack of a championship.  Beyond that, most comparisons fail.  The Eagles haven’t thrown a party for themselves, they haven’t guaranteed multiple titles either.  Players are flocking to play there and getting paid to do so.  I wouldn’t say Mike Miller, Udonis Haslem, and Juwan Howard are nearly as heralded as the Eagles free agent signings (Nnamdi Asomugha, Sean Ellis, Steve Smith, Justin Babin, Ronnie Brown to name a few).  The real question is, will the Eagles face the same animosity the Heat faced last year?  My guess is no, and here’s why:

a) Michael Vick is generally acknowledged as the most exciting player to watch and the greatest Madden player of all-time (if you don’t believe me play Madden 2004 on PS2 and then write me an apology email).

b) The Patriots have more hated players on their team (Albert Haynesworth and Chad Johnson).

c) The Eagles play football and the Heat play basketball.

d) Every time I think of the Eagles, I can’t help but picture Tony Danza as the Garbage-Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon.

2. Phillip Rivers will be the most valuable fantasy football player, but might not win a playoff game.

I’m not just predicting this because he looked impressive in the first quarter of a pre-season game last night.  Let’s factor in a few things: Rivers has his number-one receiver back (Vincent Jackson) and that receiver has something to prove after sitting out most of last season.  He also still has the best tight-end alive on his team.  Factor in a weak AFC West and you’ve got the formula for some serious fantasy numbers.  However, Norv Turner is still their coach.  With 4 playoff wins in 20 years of coaching, I don’t have much faith in the guy.  Some teams are just built for the regular season- like the 2010 Cincinnati Reds, the 2001 Seattle Mariners, or the 2010-2011 San Antonio Spurs.  I believe the Chargers will be one of those teams.

3.  The Lions defensive line will murder an opposing quarterback.

Ndamukong Suh and Nick Fairley are two of the most hyped D-linemen and are actually on the same team.  Assuming both players are healthy, I predict most teams will unsuccessfully run 75% of the time against the Lions.  Would you trust your line to protect your franchise QB with those guys lining up just a yard away?  I fear an out-lash of anti-violence sentiment will sweep the country after Fairley goes low while Suh decapitates a poor quarterback.  The real questions?  Will they end the football game because of the recently deceased quarterback?  Probably not.  Will I feel awful if this comes true?  Maybe…

4.  Someone will come out of retirement and none of us will be shocked.

Of course there are the front-runners out there like Randy Moss and Brett Favre.  Their returns would surprise very few.  But I’m really holding out for another group of retired players to consider a comeback.  Here’s my short wish-list of players:

Kurt Warner- he recently tweeted about elements of playing football that he misses.  You can’t tell me that 20 out of 32 teams wouldn’t rather have a rested Warner than their current option.

Barry Sanders- he’s had years and years to recover from a brutal career at running back.  If Sanders announced his return today, I’d put $10 on the Lions to win the Super Bowl.

Lawrence Taylor- I don’t really want to see him playing football, but I figure if he’s on a team, he’s less likely to be involved in the awful acts he’s now infamous for.

Boomer Esiason- I’d like him to come back for a few reasons.  First of all, he has one of the greatest first names in sports history.  Second, I live near Cincinnati, and can’t stand the thought of Bruce Gradkowski and Andy Dalton quarterbacking the team for the next five months.  The Bengals should either convince Boomer to come back, or pick up Jamarcus Russell so they’re guaranteed to go 0-16 and win the Andrew Luck lottery. Suck to get Luck.

The post Four Things to Look Forward to This Football Season appeared first on Korked Bats.

Believe it or not, NFL athletes drive nicer cars then me. Thus explaining their desire to show them off. However, nothing quite explains their desire to pose in the pictures with them. The only thing this accomplishes is that it further proves the fact that a lot of NFL players wear wife-beaters and sleeveless shirts. Cool, show off your huge arm muscles to go with your sweet cars. Awesome. My self esteem gets torn down faster than a false statement on Wikipedia.com.

Also, please note, not pictured in this post is:

Phillip Rivers with his Dodge Charger that usually breaks down in late winter

Kevin Kolb’s with his car that he actually has only gotten to start once

Tim Tebow with his Pope Mobile

Braylon Edwards car (which if you see this car on the road, especially in the early morning hours, GET OFF THE ROAD!)

Donte Stallworth with his… Well…

Go ahead and see for yourselves that NFL players really like posing with their cars:

Ray Rice drives a Range Rover? Needless to say, he likes alliteration.

Gah, Tom Brady has it all. Beautiful car… Beautiful wife… Beautiful face… Wait, what?

Vernon Davis knows how to play football really well. He knows how to purchase really cool cars. He knows how to dress nice. He knows how to awkwardly pose in pictures.

Thomas Jones shows us his car and how to properly take a dump when camping in the woods.

P.S. England called, it wants Big Ben back. Good gosh, that watch is huge.

Antrelle Rolle didn’t just want to show off his car. He wanted to show off his Mexican friend too.

Devin Hester with the classic “Hey take a picture of me pumping gas so it looks candid” pose.

Mercedes, rims, skin color, wife-beater. I’d say it’s safe to say that Early Doucet loves the color black.

Since he put most of his money into his car, Frank Gore was forced to by his shorts and tank top combo filled wardrobe at Old Navy.

No, Larry Fitzgerald doesn’t own his own car dealership, he just owns that many cars.

In case you were wondering which car was his, Fred Taylor did us the favor of pointing to his car.

This actually isn’t JaMarcus Russel’s car. This is where he works now. A tire shop. He got in trouble shortly after this photo was taken for sitting on the customer’s car.

The post NFL Players Like To Pose In Pictures With Their Cars appeared first on Korked Bats.