I feel like I should address up front that I am, by no means, a Cardinals fan. I’m sorry. I just don’t own any jorts. But if I was a Cardinals fan, I’d be pissed. Cardinals fans should forget the red birds. You should have red asses right now. Whenever you look at that finely dressed John Mozeliak, you should feel like Jesse Pinkman.

Aside from Kyle Gibson (the greatest pitcher in baseball history) and Sonny Gray, this team has not improved this offseason. Not only has Mo has missed on nearly every trade he’s made over the last decade (shout out, Randy Arozorena!), he’s also missed on every signing this offseason, but I can all but assure you he’s yet to miss an online sale at BrooksBrothers.com.

And this latest signing might as well be a slap to every Cardinals fan’s face.

Matt Carpenter –who last season’s best team in baseball Atlanta Braves said wasn’t good enough to be on their roster for more than a few days– is back with the birds on the bat. The hell?! Why?! Guess that .322 OBP was just too hard to pass up for Mo. I know from experience that the summers under the arch can get hot. I assume Carp fanning at pitches we’ll help cool things down. Then the Cardinals can save on in-stadium A/C, and if there’s one thing we know the Cardinals like to be, it’s save their stacks and stacks of cash. Just because birds say cheap, doesn’t mean you have to claim it too.

Personally, I thought the Cardinals were only supposed to parade old Cardinal greats on Opening Day, but now they’re doing it for 81 home games every year. Two years ago with Yadi and Pujols. Last year with Waino. And now this year with Carp and *checks notes* Lance Lynn?! Excuse me while I dry heave real quick. What’s on deck for next year, Mo? Gonna wait for Kolten Wong’s batting average to dip another .100 points before bringing him home? Maybe try kicking the tires on Lance Berkman again. Can’t wait to see The Rally Squirrel playing left and batting sixth next year.

The Cardinals front office is full of rednecks. That’s not a derogatory knock on social class, either. They have red necks because they’re perpetually creased from constantly looking back at the past. Remember 2011? David Freese! Remember? Do you remember? That old lady from Titanic remembers passionate in-car lovemaking from 84 years ago more vividly than we can remember when this franchise was a force in Major League Baseball. And if you’re a Cardinals fan getting offended by these words, you’re part of the problem. You’re getting mad at the wrong person. Don’t hate the blogger, hate the bowtie. He’s the one who rolls out the same product every year and expects 2011 results. And Mr. DeWitt lets him. Why? Because you keep buying tickets. And merch. And jorts.

The Cardinals may not have made the playoffs, but at least they made bank. How do I know? Cardinals president Bill Dewitt III isn’t really coy about where their priorities lie.

The fact that he is bragging about ticket sales in the offseason following their worst season since Todd Zeile was on the roster should tell you all you need to know. If this organization truly was all about winning, the way they used to be, they’d show it in every facet that they do business and they would not be pleased, with anything, until another Commissioners Trophy (or ‘piece of metal’ as the actual commissioner calls it) is hoisted in the 314. It’s just wild to me that on a week when the Cowboys brought back Mike McCarthy after a third straight disappointing year, the Cardinals one-upped them by bringing back Mo for another disappointing offseason. But hey, at least Mike McCarthy’s teams still make the playoffs.

The post If I Was A Cardinals Fan, I’d Be Pissed appeared first on Korked Bats.

Wrigley Field is known as ‘The Friendly Confines,’ so we decided to put that to the test to see if Cubs fans can say even one nice thing about the Cardinals. And as you’ll see, we’re pretty sure Paul hates us.

The post VIDEO: Can Cubs Fans Say Anything Nice About The Cardinals? appeared first on Korked Bats.

The Cardinals unveiled a new left-field wall this season, continuing to honor the retired numbers from their legendary franchise history. Because if the Albert Pujols signing taught us anything, it’s that the Cardinals organization loves to live in the past. They’ve had their retired numbers on their outfield wall prior to this, but this year, they gave it a refresh and something really bothers me about it. Can you see what?

Look a little closer.

I wouldn’t consider myself to be OCD, because I’m not obsessive about my compulsive disorder. But more like I have a highly-interested compulsive disorder. It’s strong enough to be somewhat annoyed by this wall. Mainly: Why is Jack Buck landed smack dab in the middle of the numbered legends when he doesn’t have a number to be retired? Why put Jack Buck’s retired microphone (can a team retire an entire piece of technological equipment? that’s another blog for another day) in between Red Schoendienst and Stan The Man? Why break up the synchronization of increasingly higher numbers? Why not put Jack Buck at the end or, at least, in between Rogers Hornsby and Ozzie Smith? Why do you have to break up the synchronization with a non-numbered retiree?

Is this how they line the streets outside of Busch?

Here’s how Busch Stadium’s electrical room is set up.

And this is probably in the parking lot.

Then again, what should we expect from a city that cuts its circular pizza into squares? Look, maybe it’s a simple explanation and I’m just a giant dodo bird. Maybe there’s a reason Jack Buck is 4th on that wall. If you know, please inform me. You can tweet at my currently suspended Twitter account. That way I don’t have to read it. But to me, as of right now, it bugs the absolute hell out of me.

The post If You Have Even The Slightest Bit Of OCD, The Cardinals Outfield Wall Will Drive You Up One appeared first on Korked Bats.

There may never have been – nor will there be again – a TV baseball broadcaster that’s more universally liked, appreciated and celebrated like Waino has been the past few days. He worked the booth with ex-big leaguer AJ Pierzynski (who was his Cardinals teammate in 2014) and Fox’s Adam Amin.

via KMOX

St. Louis, what are you doing?

Let me start this by saying that I love St. Louis. My wife is from there (Westminster Christian Academy). I lived there for three years. It’s a great sports town. This blog creates a lot of St. Louis eccentric content from Nolan Arenado, to Win Streak Reactions, to the freaking T-Rav Tasters. Plus, this blog might be the biggest LARS NOOTBAAR blog on the entire web. Our guy Sales Guy Jeff is a St. Louis diehard, born and bred (Clayton High School). There is a lot of good about St. Louis. However, one thing you will learn about St. Louis is that they love themselves some St. Louis. Almost to a fault. Case in point with this article.

St. Louis is a baseball-rich city that knows the game so well, but they will sometimes set aside that knowledge for the most absurd, self-obsessed, circle-jerky takes. Just like this one. Adam Wainwright is great. He was fun in the booth too. No one is arguing that. But to say “There may never have been – nor will there be again – a TV baseball broadcaster that’s more universally liked, appreciated and celebrated like Waino has been the past few days.” Really? My man works a couple of fill-in shifts on FS1 and now he’s God’s gift to the baseball microphone? How nearsighted do you have to be to write that sentence, let alone think it.

This article is the epitome of a #TAKESIREN.

It’s been a while since we’ve had to set off the #TAKESIREN pic.twitter.com/r0TREKSqY8

— Korked Bats (@korkedbats) October 14, 2021

Think about that. The man worked 2 games and St. Louis is deeming him the most universally liked, appreciated AND CELEBRATED announcer of all-time. The naivety is thicker than the amount of sugar in a gooey butter cake. St. Louis’s own Jack Buck is turning over in his grave right now. So is Joe Buck. (Joe isn’t dead, I just like to imagine he sleeps in a coffin.) Hell, you’re going to claim this in a year where Mike Shannon just stepped down? (I’ll admit Mike Shannon isn’t “universally” liked, but you get my point.) That’d be like saying Lars Nootbaar is already the most universally liked, appreciated and celebrated announcer of all-time.

Here’s a list of MLB broadcasters who are universally liked:

• Vin Scully
• Bob Uecker
• Bob Costas
• Hawk Harrelson
• Ernie Johnson
• Harry Kalas
• Dave Niehaus
• Gary Thorne
• Dan Shulman
• Brian Anderson
• Jon Miller
• Harray Carrey
• Ernie Harwell

And those are only the ones I can think of off the top of my head. Not quite ready to throw Adam Wainwright (a self-admitted cheater – his words, not mine) on that list after less than a full work week under his belt. Look, St. Louis, please don’t do this. I like you too much to let you do crap like this that makes the rest of the country collectively roll their eyes. Adam Wainwright was great. He was funny. He was informative. He was entertaining. But let’s pump the brakes before we start tabbing this guy as baseball’s Cronkite.

CRONKITE! I said Cronkite! Not Kroenke.

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The post St. Louis Has Already Deemed Adam Wainwright The Most “Universally Liked” Broadcaster Of All Time After 2 Games appeared first on Korked Bats.

It was the worst of times, it was the best of times. That pretty much sums up the Cardinals 2021 season. For most of the year, they meddled around .500, but then in September thought, wait why lose when you can just win? So they did. And didn’t stop really. I’m pretty sure the Cardinals won 34 of their final 26 games. It’s absurd.

So as you might imagine, Cardinals gans have been put through a rollercoaster of emotions this year. From John Mozeliak picking out pieces from the Dollar Bin right before the trade deadline, to the team being 4 games back and behind 4 other teams for the second wild-card spot, to then just lighting their Harrison Bader hair on fire and going on a run unlike the franchise has ever seen before, quite literally. So here’s a video depicting how Cardinals fans felt BEFORE the win streak, and also AFTER the win streak.

The post VIDEO: Cardinals Fans BEFORE & AFTER The 17-Game Win Streak appeared first on Korked Bats.

And naturally, Cardinals fans are really excited. To the point where they’re actually going to games again.

Now I know Cardinals fans are really proud of ‘The Cardinal Way,’ which is the philosophy of playing baseball in the most boring way possible, but there’s no reason to tweet and ‘gram with ‘The Cardinal Way.’

Remember a couple years ago when Kris Bryant said “St. Louis is boring?” I’m pretty sure he was referring to the Cardinals social media team. This account feels like it’s run by a 65-year-old who still rocks pleated khakis. No offense to 65-year-olds who still wear pleated khakis. I mean, it’s 2021. How has every professional sports team not mastered the art of social media by now? Don’t get me wrong, most have. But the Cardinals clearly have not. And now that the baseball world is shifting its focus to this team, they’re showcasing themselves with tweets @CSPAN would yawn at. Fruit Stripe gum after 5 seconds has more flavor than the tweets of atCardinals.

This team had won 13 in a row at this point. They’re playing their bitter rivals. The team hangs 3 runs right out of the gate and we get… “We’re off to a hot start!” Riveting stuff from the pleated-khaki social media manager.

Harrison Bader scored from second on a freaking sac-fly and the best you’ve got is “Speed kills?!” Cardinals fans deserve better. Harrison Bader deserves better. The Internet deserves better.

Tyler O’Neil has hit roughly 73 home runs since August 1st. The man is on an absolute tear. And *sigh* we get the most generic “HOW HOT IS THIS GUY?” This account feels like it’s run by a dude at a sports bar who only casually follows sports and comments on games with the most generic expressions.

“Right down the middle!” – I mean, do they even take the time to think of interesting captions before posting? I’m thinking no. Anything could be better than “Right down the middle!” I would’ve even accepted a mildly bad pun in this instance. Something like “GAR-SEE-YA!”

I guarantee this one earned some high fives around the office. Captain Khaki is probably so stoked with this one. “Do you get it? He’s providing insurance runs, but I’m pretending like he’s an insurance agent!” Damn. Pure flame emojis, atCardinals. Pure flames.

You know how every so often you’ll see a fun trend like “Describe a movie in the most boring way possible.” This feels like atCardinals are attempting the trend “Describe an impressive baseball play in the most boring way possible.”

Oh hell, I give up.

The post Cardinals Have The Most Exciting Team In Baseball Right Now, But The Most Boring Twitter Account appeared first on Korked Bats.

Lars Nootbaar.

Let me say it again just for good measure. Lars Nootbaar. Sounds like something you’d order at an artisan bakery. “Hi, can I get a Vanilla Latte and one Nootbaar please?” Like who is this dude? I know literally nothing about him other than the fact that his name sounds like the combination of a Bond villain and Girl Scout Cookie. And the fact that he homered tonight. He apparently made his MLB debut on June 22nd of this year. He has an older brother named Nigel (also awesome) and he’s the great-grandson of Herbert Nootbaar (even more awesome). Does this family know how to party or what?! His dad is of Dutch descent and his mom is Japanese.

Wanna know even more cool stuff about him?

TAT-SOO-EE NOOTBAAR??? Give him a red jacket, his own Corvette to ride on Opening Day, and his own statue next to the Musial. This dude is already a Cardinals legend. From my very brief and not very thorough research, he is the first player in Cardinals history with the name of Lars. And he might just have the greatest Cardinals name since Nick Punto or So Taguchi. Cardinals fans better treat Lars Nootbaar right. And enjoy him while you can, before he’s inevitably shipped off to another team where he’ll have instant and lasting success. *cough Rany Arozarena, Luke Voit, Tommy Pham, Patrick Wisdom, Marcell Ozuna, etc. cough* Sorry, had to clear my throat. Not COVID, I swear.

Lars Nootbaar forever.

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The post The Cardinals Have A Player Named Lars Nootbaar And I Can No Longer Think About Anything Else appeared first on Korked Bats.

This thing is pretty self-explanatory. A ranking of how much each team’s fan bases drinks per game, with an additional note on how much they spend per game. Let’s break this down by select teams…

Atlanta Braves

C’mon, Braves. I love you, but I’m a little disappointed. I know finishing second is kinda your thing, but with consuming alcohol?? You literally have Waffle Houses in your stadium. And we all know you’re not allowed to eat at a Waffle House outside of breakfast hours without being hammered. You better correct that this year and win it all… which you very well might do on the field too.

St. Louis Cardinals

If there’s one thing St. Louis knows more than baseball, it’s beer. How on earth did they finish fifth from the bottom? Also, only $28 on average spent on alcohol?? Did they buy one beer? I’ve been to Busch. And I’ve been in debt ever since. I never thought I’d say this, but you need to step your beer game up, St. Louis. You’re down there hovering around with the California teams. And you know they don’t drink because of gluten and stuff. I’m not mad, just disappointed. Nolan Arenado won’t be able to fix this problem.

Chicago White Sox

They actually used to be ranked 25th on this list, but then they hired Tony La Russa.

Milwaukee Brewers

How do you finish tenth in this ranking when your team name is literally the Brewers?? Ya know, ever since you took Miller out of your stadium’s name, you guys have really changed. You’ve become really American Family friendly.

Colorado Rockies

At least one beer stadium (or former beer stadium) is holding up their namesake and finishing in the top 6. Although, after the offseason we just witnessed, they may skyrocket up the charts this season.

I’m really sorry, Rockies fans. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Chicago Cubs

Look, I know I’m kinda zoning in on the midwestern darlings of Major League Baseball, but that’s only because I expected more out of you guys. I don’t expect high alcohol intake from either coast. But the heart of the country? You guys should be drinking laps around the rest of the league. Especially, you Cubs! What happened to the Bleacher Bums? Have they been gentrified along with the rest of Wrigleyville?

Los Angeles Dodgers

Look, I get it. Dodger Stadium is a stone’s throw (or a former Yasiel Puig miss-his-cutoff-man throw) away from Hollywood, and image is everything in that city. I mean, heaven forbid you drink a carb. But 2.7 drinks per game? People get more liquored up during communion. You’re the world champs. Start drinking like it.

Miami Marlins

They average 3.3 drinks per game. That means their fan buys 3.3 drinks.

Pittsburgh Pirates

Shoutout to A.D. and his Buccos. Finishing middle of the pack for this current iteration of the Pirates should feel like a huge win. I just find it ironic that their fans spend more on beer per game than their front office does on players.

Philadelphia Phillies

They finished last only because they do all of their drinking in the parking lot before the game.

The post A Study Of Which MLB Fan Bases Drink The Most Has Dropped And We Have Thoughts appeared first on Korked Bats.

If you’re friends with a St. Louis Cardinals fan and you see their jaw is agape for the next week or so, it’s because their team finally traded for Nolan Arenado. After years of rumors, those sons of bitches finally did it. And now this one move changes the outlook for just about every single Cardinals fan on the planet. This video is just a small look into that.

Also, if you’re a Blues fan, you’ll probably enjoy our exclusive night of being the honorary guest of the St. Louis Blues Towel Man.

The post Cardinals Fans BEFORE & AFTER The Arenado Trade appeared first on Korked Bats.

Jeff Passan dropped some spicy details of Tony La Russa’s DUI arrest. His most recent DUI arrest (yes, there’s more than one). And man, oh, man, are they awkwardly hilarious. In the video above, I share my whole take on the situation: from his hiring by the White Sox, to his arrest, to the details of his arrest (yes, even his California Angels mention), to his use of the word “hoity toity” in every day conversation. Then at the end of the video, I break down the arrest video from his first DUI arrest in 2007.

Also, please forgive me for failing to make a shingles reference in the video. I missed some prime opportunities there. So please consider these photos of TLR with shingles to be a consolation gift.

HEYYYY YOU GUYYYYS! -Tony La Russa, probably

The post “I’m A Hall Of Fame Baseball Person!” – Reaction To Tony La Russa’s DUI Arrest & Video Of His 1st DUI appeared first on Korked Bats.