Dammit, put some pants on, old man.

It was bad enough we had to worry about Tom Brady during his 20+ years in the NFL. Now he’s been retired no more than 20 days and I already wish he’d get back into football. If for no other reason than to get him to stop tweeting. When the old man moved south to Tampa, we immediately saw an influx of his (read: his team’s) social media usage. And for Brady haters, it only made that butt-chinned dufus only more insufferable.

Now gramps might be more addicted to the dopamine rushes of social media engagement than he was football and/or kissing his son. And the fact that he retired in the midst of promotion for his new movie 80 For Brady has only heightened the suffocating online persona. Dude, couldn’t you just retire to a cabin somewhere? When Michael Jordan hung it up – also for the second time – he pretty much went into hiding. To the point where if the (true) GOAT died, it would probably take us a few months to even realize. But Brady? If he goes more than a day without posting something stupid to his social media, we might as well call an ambulance to his house ASAP. The dude’s posing in underwear to try and break the internet, when all he’s doing is making me break any devices that have the internet. Just because your career started with you in underwear doesn’t mean we need to end it that way.

No one asked for an update, gramps.

If you wanna throw your junk on the Internet, get an Only Fans. So that way only fans will see it. Somebody please call Eli Manning and stop this man before we start receiving tweets like this in a couple years:

The post If Tom Brady’s Just Gonna Prance Around In His Undies On The Internet All Day, We’d Rather He Get Back Into Football appeared first on Korked Bats.

Well, Tom Brady had a good run. He was the GOAT there for a while. But now? Now it’s like hashtag not my goat, ya know? I mean, how can you call him the greatest of all time when he literally leads the NFL in most playoff losses all-time. That’s a pretty damning stat. It’s a shame too. Because before that, he was the greatest. But now? I don’t see how we can view him in the same light.

Oh, he’s got 7 Super Bowl rings? Blah, blah blah. 5 Super Bowl MVPs? Blah, blah, blah. He’s 45-years-old? Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, he also has the most losses in do-or-die games than anyone. Maybe it’s just me, but that’s not a stat I’d want any part of. That’s 12 more playoff losses than Case Keenum, Marcus Mariota, and Blake Bortles. To be frank, that’s embarrassing. Personally, I used to think so highly of Tom Brady, what with all his NFL MVP awards (3) and his Offensive Player of the Year awards (2). But now? How can anyone look at him the same? Sure, maybe until last night he had as many playoff wins as the entire Dallas Cowboys franchise (a franchise with 5 Super Bowl wins), but he now has more playoff losses than Aaron Rodgers, and all Aaron Rodgers does is lose in the playoffs. Honestly, if I’m Tom Brady, I just retire right now. Walk away from the game and never come back. Because if he somehow adds to this god-awful and pathetic stat, that would only look worse for him. Worse than he looked after that plastic surgery getaway he took during training camp (allegedly).

Now you may still be willing to deem the guy with the most losses in NFL postseason history as the “GOAT,” which is fine. I mean, that’d be like calling Karl Malone the GOAT of basketball for the number of times he lost in the playoffs. But I get it. It usually takes a lot for stubborn sports fans to change their viewpoints and takes. Just ask Skip Bayless. And honestly, I didn’t want to go here. I didn’t want to play this card, but you’ve left me no choice. More damning evidence on Tom Brady’s legacy:

Wow. Just wow.

40 career interceptions in the playoffs alone? That’s – how do we say – pretty bad. The worst, even. Ten more interceptions than Brett Favre, and that man was more careless with footballs than Mississippi welfare funds.

Look, I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to kick a man while he’s down. But want me to keep going?

Woof. That’s 20 more sacks than Roger Staubach, a guy who played quarterback in an era where it was still legal to tackle quarterbacks. Embarrassing. Hell, just the fact that he’s been sacked more times than Joe Burrow was in last year’s playoffs is case in point enough. It’s just a shame that we were able to witness both the rise and fall of Tom Brady. I guess the old saying’s true: either you die the GOAT or you play long enough to suck.

So anyway? Who should be the next GOAT? Too soon to claim Justin FIelds or Brock Purdy? If so, then it’s obviously Andy Dalton.

The post Tom Brady Now Has The Most Playoff Losses In NFL History – Can He Still Be The GOAT? People Are Asking. appeared first on Korked Bats.

Patrick Mahomes just murdered Tom Brady with two simple words.

The post VIDEO: A Breakdown of Patrick Mahomes “Yes Sir”-ing Tom Brady appeared first on Korked Bats.

End of Discussion.

Not only did the Chiefs walk away with the win, but Patrick absolutely BIG-LEAGUED Tom–not in the game, mind you–but in this post-game handshake:

Now, on the surface it seems pretty cordial. Your typical pleasantries can be heard. 

“Good luck this year, man”

“You too bro”

“You looked great”

TB12 then says “Keep it up” and Pat follows up with a line that has to have rocked the core of Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr.

“Yes, Sir”

You can almost see Tom’s soul implode as he walks away.

“Yes, Sir”

It cut him like a hot knife through a stick of butter.

It’s patronizing, petty, savage and we’re absolutely here for it. Patrick just said “Yes, Sir” to him the way you would to a grandparent who just gave some terrible and possibly offensive advice, but you’re too respectful to correct them. Truly, the only time I break out a “Yes, Sir” in any situation is when I’m clearly speaking with someone much older than myself and/or trying to sell something.

You know Tom is going to be playing this moment over and over in his head this week. It’ll either crush his will to play, or motivate him to play another 5 years.

Dammit, it’s probably the latter.

UPDATE: Here’s a breakdown of the moment…

The post Patrick Mahomes Absolutely BIG-LEAGUED Tom Brady (During Their Post-Game Handshake) appeared first on Korked Bats.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Tom Brady has been recognized for his success on a football field. This time as being the #1 player on the NFL’s Top 100 list, which is voted on by players. Now, the fact that Tom Brady was voted as the best player in the NFL by his peers today has so much “I don’t want to deal with this ranking, I’m just going to throw a name down” energy. Honestly, I kinda respect it by the players. It’s like when college coaches just pass off filling out their USA Today Coaches Poll to the school’s S.I.D. I get it too. These players are paid to play football, not make tier lists of their peers. If work made me rank my coworkers, I’d put the bosses and longest tenured employees at the top and blindly fill out the rest. Why not, ya know? I’m not getting paid extra to be the BCS computer for coworkers.

Now look is Tom Brady the greatest ever? Yeah, sure. But just because he’s the most decorated quarterback of all time doesn’t mean he’s the best quarterback in the sport today. Because he’s not. In fact, there are at least 3 better than him right now. You could even argue a fourth (You wanna get nuts? Let’s get nuts! How about Matt Stafford? Sound off in my mentions!!!). But neither Aaron Donald, Aaron Rodgers, nor anyone else named Aaron was viewed as better than the geriatric under center in Tampa. And we should all batten down the hatches and prepare for the wrath of Britney because Patrick Mahomes was all the way down at 8th, somehow SEVEN spots lower than The Masked Singer himself.

If you’ve followed Korked Bats for a while, you know my thoughts on Brady. He’s the greatest of all time, blah blah blah. But in each of his seven Super Bowl winning seasons, he’s been the beneficiary of NEVER having to win WITHOUT a top ten defense. Weird how people never really bring that up when referencing his greatness. But what’s really weird is when they talk about how he “turned around” the Tampa Bay Buccaneers franchise. Oh did he?

Before Brady, the Bucs were a win away from the playoffs under *checks notes* JAMEIS WINSTON! Oh, and they had the THIRD best offense in the sport with THE BEST passing offense in the sport. Again, under JAMEIS WINSTON! And that’s with Jameis throwing 30 footballs to the OTHER team, eight of which going for touchdowns, which was a neat NFL record! Let me repeat: Jameis Winston was able to put together the best passing offense in the entire NFL (better than the Chiefs, better than Packers) a year before Brady took over. While Brady was chowing down avocado ice cream, Jameis was eating W’s. So naturally, if you add any quarterback who doesn’t have to squint to that offense, the team is going to improve. Especially if it’s a quarterback like Brady who adds his friends Rob Gronkowski (future Hall of Famer), Antonio Brown (future Hall of Famer in his own mind), and Leonard Fournette (a guy who likes to eat up a ton of yards on the ground and also food). Not to mention their defense remained stacked after they re-signed Ndamukong Suh, Kevin Minter, Andrew Adams, Shaq Barrett (tagged), Jason Pierre-Paul, and all eight of JPP’s fingers. Oh, and you guessed it, they were the 8th ranked defense in the sport the year “Brady singlehandedly carried that hobbled shell of a franchise to the Super Bowl.”

So again, no one has had the success that Brady has had. But also, no one has benefitted more from narratives than Brady. Both can be true. Because both are true. His P.R. team is almost as good as his plastic surgeons.

But if you truly believe Tom Brady is not only the greatest quarterback, but the greatest player in the NFL, then you probably also believe the fact that he never runs out of toilet paper.

The post Tom Brady Is The #1 Player In The NFL Top 100, Proving Tom Brady’s P.R. Is Better Than His QBR appeared first on Korked Bats.

Step aside, Buck Reising. We’ve got a new tubby showing up to camp. Only this dude seems to be in no rush to get down to 220 by training camp.

Playoff Lenny is now Plate-Scarf Lenny. Ok, still workshopping that one. But you get my point.

Leonard Fornette got Leonard Fourn-fat… More like the Tampa Bay Thiccaneers, amirite?!… He certainly isn’t Lean-y Fournette… Ok, look, it’s training camp for all of us, ok? We’re all getting back in shape.

But these are always my favorite storylines of training camp. It’s low-hanging fruit, and unless they’re covered in chocolate, these chubby ass players aren’t going to eat them, so someone has to. Might as well be us. It’s the easiest first talk point of the NFL season every single year. And let’s just say no one is safe from the rath of showing up to camp fat, whether it’s Eddie Lacy, Kelvin Benjamin, or now Lenny Fivenette.

Lenny is *listed* at 228 (yeah, IN HIS BRA!), but according to the Bucs, he’s sitting somewhere closer to 260. And as you might imagine, coaches are not thrilled.

“Coaches were not happy, and that’s an understatement, when he didn’t participate in the OTAs, but then he shows up at the mandatory minicamp weighing damn near 260,” Stroud said. “And that’s not a good sign for a guy that you just spent a three-year contract on.”

via Pro Football Talk

It’s just funny to me how a guy like Tom Brady who refuses to eat air because of the caloric intake it produces on his temple of a body can share a backfield who can’t pass a Wendy’s without getting a Frosty. And a Baconator.

I mean, holy jeeze, look at the butt on that.

Yeah, he must not work out.

Leonard Fournette’s rocking a Kardashian ass that even Kyle Lowry would be jealous of. The kind of romper that can’t squeeze down movie theater aisles. The kind of glutious that you have to turn sideways just to walk in most door frames. His donk provides himself with a shelf on his backside. And speaking of backs that can clap, that’s exactly what Lenny did on Twitter today. He clapped back.

Ironic for this guy to be tweeting about other people’s energy when he’s shooting off vibes of not being able to make it up a flight of stairs without wheezing. And as for the September 11th, I looked it up. That’s either for the Buccaneers first game of the season ORRRR National Hot Cross Bun Day.

The post Leonard Fournette Is This Year’s First Fat And Out-Of-Shape Player To Show Up To Training Camp appeared first on Korked Bats.

So believe me, it was weird enough seeing AB win a Super Bowl with Tom Brady, but honestly, it’s even weirder seeing AB hang out with Kanye West. But again, it’s been that kind of year life for AB. He’s gone from straight up stripping off his uniform and leaving mid-game to hanging with one of the bigger celebrities who everyone seems to care about what he’s doing and how he’s doing it of our generation. AB has been posting various pictures of him and Kanye together at various events, so clearly the pair have been spending some time together, but AB has revealed that they will apparently be spending even more time together, this time at the Super Bowl.

Just a few weeks ago AB was catching passes from Tom Brady. Now he’s the owner… of 18 Super Bowl suite tickets. AB also appears have found a new job, not bad for a guy who just walked out on his old one.

According to his IG post, AB is now the President of Donda Sports and Kanye’s first task for AB was to grab tickets for The Big Game. Guess you could call it a corporate retreat? Just a casual $2.1 mill. And with a simple Google search, I discovered a shocking revelation.

AB just dropped roughly 67% of his entire salary for the 2021 season on a Super Bowl that he’s not even playing in. (Reminder: AB was just in the Super Bowl a mere 365 days ago.) But as the man told us himself with his debut song, he’s got a whole lotta money. So I guess it doesn’t matter.

Just to recap: AB will be in the Super Bowl, and Tom Brady will not. Did he get the last laugh? People are asking.

Also, memo to Donda Sports: if you need a blogger, HMU. I’m a fun hang, and like AB, I too enjoy partaking big football games in person.

The post Antonio Brown Spends 67% Of Entire 2021 Salary On Super Bowl Tickets That He’s Not Playing In appeared first on Korked Bats.

Is it a surprise? Not at all. This guy has done nothing but win for the last two decades plus. But what makes this one and every win after this is the fact that Tom Brady is 44 years old. Did you know that? He’s 44. I know he looks younger now than when he was drafted, but he’s 44. He’s 44. The man is 44. As if he’s the first person to ever turn 44, no one can stop talking about how he’s 44. Nevermind the fact that it took a comeback in the closing minute to eek out a win against the Cowboys, a team Vegas had them 8.5-point favorites over. But the man is 44.

So naturally, today, as you might expect (and honestly, should expect after every win this season), the media is raving about Tom Brady. And his ability to still get it done at 44. And sure, it should be commended that Brady can put on shoulder pads without breaking a hip at his age, but let’s not act like he’s reversing the aging process. So chill out, Bezos. He hasn’t found what you’re looking for.

But I feel like most people are missing a huge glaring detail in this entire Tom Brady saga. And no it’s not his age. (He’s 44, btw.) Tom Brady is less Ben Button, and more Bron. He hasn’t gotten better. He just joined a super team late in his sports life.

Why is it we all agree that football is a team sport except for when it comes to our takes on Tom Brady? When other teams win it’s because of the entire team because you know, football. But when Brady wins, it’s because of Brady. And solely Brady. People like to say Brady is the clear winner in the Brady vs. Belichick debate because when Brady bounced, the Patriots sucked and Brady nearly threw his 7th Lombardi into the ocean. Nevermind the fact that Bill Belichick was the mastermind behind the entire defensive side of the ball during those Super Bowl-winning teams in New England. And correct me if I’m wrong, but the Patriots were never heralded for having a dynamic offense outside of that 2007 team – when yet again, Brady was surrounded by a Pro Bowl roster on offense. And plus, in that Brady-Belichick debate, people tend to forget that the Patriots had a record number of 8 players opt out last season due to covid. While Brady did nothing but add players to his roster (more on that in a sec). Hmm, maybe that had something to do with the Patriots sucking and the Bucs flourishing last season? But what do I know? I’m just a doofus with a blog.

Why is it we don’t clown Brady for doing literally the exact same thing we clown LeBron and K.D. for? He legitimately joined a super team. And isn’t football more of a team sport than basketball? Hmmm.

The Bucs before Brady were a win away from the playoffs. They had the THIRD best offense in the sport with THE BEST passing offense in the sport. That’s not a lie, either, even though it definitely sounds like one considering they had Jameis Winston throwing 30 footballs to the other team, eight of which went of touchdowns to the other teams (a fun NFL record)! I mean, Jameis Winston was able to produce the best passing offense in the entire league. You put any other quarterback (or even the same quarterback, just post LASIK), then of course that squad is going to be insane. And on top of that, they also went out and added Gronk (future Hall of Famer), Antonio Brown (former best wide receiver in the sport before he got frostbitten feet), and Leonard Fournette (a beast back who had been mistreated, neglected, and abused in Jacksonville). Not to mention their defense remained stacked after they re-signed Ndamukong Suh, Kevin Minter, Andrew Adams, Shaq Barrett (tagged), Jason Pierre-Paul, and all eight of JPP’s fingers.

I’m not saying Brady doesn’t deserve any respect. I’m not saying we shouldn’t be surprised by what he’s doing at his age. He’s 44. I’m just saying, it’s a lot easier to have success in your AARP days when you’re surrounded by insane talent. Just ask fellow Michigan man Juwan Howard. Dude didn’t win a ring until his final two seasons when LeBron and Bosh joined the team. Brady doesn’t have to be great. Just dump it off to his Monstars teammates and let them be great.

All I’m saying is we should be consistent. Kevin Durant can’t be a “ring chaser” without Brady being one too. Brady isn’t reversing the aging process, he’s just on a much better team.

Also, did you know he’s 44?

The post You Want A Hot Take? Tom Brady Isn’t “Reversing The Aging Process” He’s Just On A Super Team appeared first on Korked Bats.

I will not overreact to preseason football. I will not overreact to preseason football. I will not overreact to preseason football.

Ok, nevermind. I’m going to overreact to Elijah Molden and the night he had over the weekend against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Not just because of this play, because he also had his hand in a handful of other big plays on defense, but also because of this play. My man was met by not one but two offensive linemen, and instead of getting flattened like Wile E. Coyote by an ACME anvil, he instead goes underneath and – as his mom put it – squirts through and gets the sack. Dude was a ball full of energy. Like a child you’re trying to put down to sleep. Again, maybe I’m reading too much into preseason football (read: I am), but I’m excited about the potential of Elijah Molden. As a Titans fan, I was hopeful for them to draft Elijah Moore and was a little disappointed when they instead opted for Elijah Molden. But now I might be hopeful again. Go get it, Cortland Finn-again.

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The post VIDEO: A Breakdown of Titans CB Elijah Molden’s Slip n’ Slide Sack appeared first on Korked Bats.

Last weekend during the Hall of Fame ceremonies, Tom Brady and Tony Dungy met up and took a photo that’s scarier than anything Jordan Peele could think of. This thing is terrifying. In fact, I originally saw this photo last Sunday, fainted and am just now coming to. That’s how shook it left me. But now I have to share my thoughts on it. It’s absurd that anyone let this photo be posted, let alone taken. Then again, Im sure whoever took this photo is now dead. Our thoughts and condolences. RIP in peace. Because both Brady and Dungy look like absolute monsters in this thing. It’s seriously the most terrifying photo I’ve ever seen. And I used to go to Rotten.com with my friends back in middle school. Is this a bad look for Brady’s career? I gotta say yes. To me this is a legacy-ruining image. Sorry, it just is.

The post VIDEO: That Tom Brady/Tony Dungy Photo Is Creepy AF appeared first on Korked Bats.